ChartTopper60 said:What type of person hurt you, what setting and what age did you get hurt? How did it affect you in the long-run? Do you hold a grudge or any sort of remorse?
Yep. I'd been in there for it. Abused. Physically, emotionally, sexually. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable, content or safe in life again. I haven't in almost nine years since then. Even though the people who were supposed to be taking care of me got together and abused me for a period of time behind others backs, I couldn't feel mad. I don't have it in me to hate people anymore. I don't have it in me to feel any sort of remorse or human attachment. I react differently than I used to since then—I try to stand up for myself, but at the same time it's easy for me to feel hurt from minor words or jabs. I tend to be a nervous wreck, shaking and dropping things, tripping over myself as I speak, and feeling like everybody hates me, no matter how close that I get to them. I think that's part of why I always spill out so much love to people that I engage with in person.
Pretty much whenever I see a MAL notification, I start to shake, I get more and more anxious, and worry that it might be a disparaging reply, someone might hate me, or hate what I said, or was rude and nasty to the way I said things, or might hate me for sharing my human experience. It's funny, because I'm here out of pure boredom and out of need for human interaction. I crave what I'm afraid of. No matter how much information I culminate about myself, other people, and learn to love or appreciate myself, and not take the harmful words of others. I don't actually feel... "safe", or "content."
I say I have no human attachment, but I hold on to believing that everyone feels a certain way about me. Ironic?
I don't have it in me to decide things for the world, how I feel about the world, how I feel about people collectively, except that I love them. Individually, I think they're just okay, and there will be people that I love above others. Maybe I'm unaware that sometimes that I label people on my own, or label people that I disagree with.
But still, sometimes I wonder if it's possible to actually feel content ever.