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How much of an age difference is too much of an age difference?

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May 9, 2023 9:20 PM
#1

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Oct 2016
2315
I know how commonplace age differences are in anime/manga but how much is too much? IRL as well. 

I honestly hate large age gaps aside from the supernatural both are adults scenarios. I know someone who was 24 and dating a 16-year-old IRL as well. V illegal I know also very gross.
May 9, 2023 9:32 PM
#2

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May 2019
2534
When it comes to morality, I don't really care so long as both people involved are fully matured adults. So a 30 year old + 60 year old pairing sounds gross to me, but I don't think it's immoral if both people want it.

When it comes to what probably makes the most sense for most people, they should be pretty close in age. No more than a decade when you're quite old. That will mean you two are in similar stages of life that you can both relate to and have grown up understanding similar cultural references. Not to mention if it's long term, you wouldn't want one person dying super earlier.
May 9, 2023 9:36 PM
#3
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Jul 2018
561791
16 legal in your state?
I don't know I never thought of it. As long as the person wasn't a kid or teen it should be fine.
May 12, 2023 8:16 PM
#4

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Nov 2022
964
My usual rule of thumb is half one's age +7 but as long as everyone involved are consenting adults I really don't see an issue regardless of the age gap.
♡☆♡☆♡

May 12, 2023 8:43 PM
#5

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Jun 2019
7951
As controversial in many circles it would be, I'm just going to say it - none is too great other than ones where one side of the equation hasn't begun undergoing some physiological developmental change and readiness (on a physical bodily level, and the CNS is a part of all that). That doesn't mean that every relationship, romantic, sexual, or otherwise, is wise or inherently desirable for either or both parties regardless of any age factor, but no, other than certain laws and policies being in place for understandable health and safety reasons in cases of actual pre-development medical cases, where there is an actual biological reason which, if not foolproof or perfect, is still logical and sensible for a broad stroke consensus, every other attempt to select a consent cutoff age is entirely arbitrary in the legal system in any jurisdiction.

I believe the problem in the first place is that in the same way many people generalize others based on nationality, race, ethnicity, religion and/or sect, sex, language, sexual orientation, profession, and any other trait or aspect which people can be grouped into, due to tribalism which may be innate to the human species, that therefore many people do the same with age and general age brackets. They wrongly conflate biological age with life experience, knowledge, intrinsically differing neurodevelopmental profiles, stage of life, personality, interests, etc. And it's wrong and a mistake to do, in my view. It doesn't allow for or take into account any differing experiences outside the normative majority, even if they are by definition a minority.

People have all sorts of different circumstances and radically different fates and circumstances are chosen and forged daily for individuals based on minute decisions by their own will as well as coincidence and happenstance. Passing some almighty judgment on that without context and accounting for individual circumstances is absolutely absurd, ridiculous, and has always struck me as profoundly unjust.

I have never condemned, ostracized, or passed judgment on anyone due to something like age alone and will never do so, even if as I said in my earlier statement, I can understand the legal sense behind having it being something taken into account in a society for safety regulations, but only for actual biological children rather than teens and young adults, etc. There is an issue with the fact that many folks' imagination is so limited and rigid that they cannot imagine, say, a 23 year-old and a 15  year-old, or any other two random ages, could actually be more similar or have more to appeal or offer one another than two people of identical age or closer in age more resembling their peers. It's like generalizing all Arabs or Inupiat people or all men or women or Hindus or Greek Orthodox people or bisexuals or dairy farmers. It is one common factor but not the entire sum of a person's whole identity from which everything else derives and viewing it that way is viewing it through a false prism.
WatchTillTandavaMay 12, 2023 8:52 PM
May 12, 2023 9:38 PM
#6

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Feb 2022
2990
Depends, if it's 16 year old girl with 24 year old guy, i find it okay. If it is 29 year old guy with 30 year old woman i barf.
May 13, 2023 1:22 AM
#7

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Dec 2018
301
In my opinion, any age difference is fair game as long as both parties are consenting adults.
May 13, 2023 1:30 AM
#8

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Jan 2009
16000
WatchTillTandava said:
I have never condemned, ostracized, or passed judgment on anyone due to something like age alone and will never do so, even if as I said in my earlier statement, I can understand the legal sense behind having it being something taken into account in a society for safety regulations, but only for actual biological children rather than teens and young adults, etc.
I fully agree with you. Interestingly enough, the biggest vocal outcry only comes when the older person is an unsuccessful and unattractive male and the younger person is female, but not so much for other constellations like older woman and young boy or one man and one young boy or one woman and one young girl. Apparently, good-looking "youth stars" from YouTube, singers, etc. at the age of 18+ to around 35 are completely different from those who are not as successful and not as good-looking.

We also have prominent examples like the former Queen and her husband whom she felt in love with at age 13 or Priscilla who got in a relationship with 10-years older Elvis Presley at age 14.

You can bet that most people will not be able to always accurately tell the chronological age of someone, as there can be 13-14 years old who already look like they're in their 20s or people in their late 20s or early 30s who look like young teens.

That's why I find 14 to be a good minimum age for consenting, as the vast majority of girls/young women have already reached puberty by then. I do not advocate for larger age-gap relationships, but I do not condemn those either just because of it. There have been also the case of a ruling about a 15-year old girl being in a legal love relationship with her then 47-years old uncle
Though ideally, at least the living situation should be similar. Someone who is in university or vocational school in their 20s or early 30s and still at home will appear more close in life experiences with someone in regular school than someone who has been working and living on their own for several years
May 13, 2023 1:57 AM
#9

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Aug 2009
11167
Again, as someone who lost their v-card at 17 to a girl who was 19, it would be hypocritical of me chastise a couple (or whatever) of a similar age range if the girl is the younger, and more importantly, willing, participant. That said, my state has a four year range, so my girlfriend at the time also legally didn't rape me.

May 13, 2023 2:01 AM

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May 2013
8286
Relationship? I dunno, the largest age gap I had was 4 years younger than me.

The largest age gap I have had with a sexual partner was a 15 year age gap with him being older than me.

Maybe I just didn't have any standards, I dunno.



♡ Harder Daddy ♡
May 13, 2023 2:19 AM
Neet Specter

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Mar 2022
11175
ChouunShiryuu said:
Depends, if it's 16 year old girl with 24 year old guy, i find it okay. If it is 29 year old guy with 30 year old woman i barf.


I'm looking to marry some filthy rich 80 year old oba-san...
 

May 13, 2023 5:03 AM

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Feb 2012
6824
I go for 5 years older and 10 years younger max. Don't like a girl being too much older then me so I'd say +5 is pretty good, and for 10 years younger cause, you know, as a guy you always try to rock with these pretty young things.
May 13, 2023 7:47 AM
Handler One

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Jan 2023
3487
I mean it depends. I suppose 4/5 years younger and 9 years older, I don't really know. 



"You fought to the end. You survived. That's why you're here now. I think that's something you should be more proud of."
- Vladilena Milizé
May 13, 2023 11:15 AM

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Jun 2019
7951
Noboru said:
WatchTillTandava said:
I have never condemned, ostracized, or passed judgment on anyone due to something like age alone and will never do so, even if as I said in my earlier statement, I can understand the legal sense behind having it being something taken into account in a society for safety regulations, but only for actual biological children rather than teens and young adults, etc.
I fully agree with you. Interestingly enough, the biggest vocal outcry only comes when the older person is an unsuccessful and unattractive male and the younger person is female, but not so much for other constellations like older woman and young boy or one man and one young boy or one woman and one young girl. Apparently, good-looking "youth stars" from YouTube, singers, etc. at the age of 18+ to around 35 are completely different from those who are not as successful and not as good-looking.

We also have prominent examples like the former Queen and her husband whom she felt in love with at age 13 or Priscilla who got in a relationship with 10-years older Elvis Presley at age 14.

You can bet that most people will not be able to always accurately tell the chronological age of someone, as there can be 13-14 years old who already look like they're in their 20s or people in their late 20s or early 30s who look like young teens.

That's why I find 14 to be a good minimum age for consenting, as the vast majority of girls/young women have already reached puberty by then. I do not advocate for larger age-gap relationships, but I do not condemn those either just because of it. There have been also the case of a ruling about a 15-year old girl being in a legal love relationship with her then 47-years old uncle
Though ideally, at least the living situation should be similar. Someone who is in university or vocational school in their 20s or early 30s and still at home will appear more close in life experiences with someone in regular school than someone who has been working and living on their own for several years
Yup, I basically agree with all this. On your first point about where and when the biggest vocal outcry usually arises, to me the motive is as transparent as glass: It's a collective power bid on the part of some humans for control and management of other humans as resources, especially younger female bodies, masquerading as a moral doctrine. As if the romantic and sexual affairs, especially potential procreation, of those individuals must be safeguarded, decided upon, and granted access to like a valuable commodity by a social societal consensus. That matters to them far more than individual interests, wants, and needs on the part of either party including the female individual in question or the endless variables in individual circumstances which would shape those interests, wants, and needs.

And why? Because, put crudely, in many different societies, girls/women and children (of either sex) have the most value, but only as resources. Men are also a resource, but a more expendable or replaceable one. Everything and everyone is commodified. Women/girls have more value but only in the sense of some humans viewing others as livestock to be used. More value in terms of that like dairy cows, that they can be used to bear children. Children have more value because they are still impressionable, easily molded, viewed as more interchangeable, and can therefore be used to be molded to serve someone else's purposes which are not necessarily their own, like pushing them into the schools, vocational/career path, military service, etc. which adults want them to be so their lives can still be more easily used for others' ends. Men have less, but what value they do have is measured in terms of how much they can work and/or how much money they can generate. To me that's the crux of it.

And yeah, the fact that a person can see someone on the street or in any random context in passing, feel a natural human physiological attraction to them where/when applicable, is obviously not ID'ing them or possessing any readily available way to determine the numerical age of a stranger, and that person could indeed be, say, 14 or 16 or 19 or 22 or whatever, pretty simply and powerfully proves the pure arbitrariness of it. Hence why I am steadfastly against too unreasonably high an age cutoff point. That's an interesting case you posted the thread topic link for. I'm going to have a readthrough - I've definitely read a number of older threads far predating my joining MAL, but pretty sure I haven't read that one or perused anything else pertaining to that case in the media. I have a feeling I'm somehow going to find it inspirational though (and no, before I get the self-righteous mob after me, I don't mean in terms of pursuing a relationship with my own niece for a whole list of reasons starting with the fact that I don't even have any nieces or nephews and no prospect of having such - people, once again, don't take into account the radically differing individual circumstances in these cases unique to the people involved). 

Nothing rubs me the wrong way - okay, that is hyperbole. Let's say it's toward the top of the list of things which rub me the wrong way and annoy me for their irrationality, ignorance, and tribal prejudice more than hearing someone say about someone they don't even know "He/she is X age so therefore they're ______", "He/she is X age so therefore they're not ______", "He/she is X age so therefore they have experienced/are interested in ________", or "He/she is X age so therefore they haven't experienced/aren't interested in __________" in the context of romantic and/or sexual relationships or even platonic friendships and cameraderie in terms of the compatibility between two individuals. Bitch, you do not know that person and know not what they have or haven't experienced in their lives or why or when or how. All their age tells you about them as a person, who they are, and their life story is their age - how many years they've physically existed on Earth - and nothing more.
WatchTillTandavaMay 13, 2023 2:20 PM
May 13, 2023 12:01 PM

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Mar 2008
53429
What matters in a relationship isn't anything shallow like chronological age or appearances but the quality of the relationship they have in how they connect with eachother and support eachother and understand and respect and care for eachother. It's really no one's right to judge but those involved.  Chronological age as well as the physical characteristics someone has are meaningless and arbitrary compared to other ways of measuring age such as a person's psychological age (which can further be divided by emotional and logical) and social age but even those are not fully objective things because they are measured by influence of culture and other's perceptions and any individual can have a mix of traits of what is more common in different age groups even setting culture aside as a factor. 
traedMay 13, 2023 1:06 PM
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May 13, 2023 12:19 PM

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Jul 2014
7330
Honestly, as long as both parties are over 20 I don't see any reason to judge. I will say that it is pretty gross when dudes in their late 20s and early 30s actively pursue girls fresh out of school. Gives me the impression that they'd go lower if they could.
Take care of yourself

May 13, 2023 12:59 PM

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Jan 2009
16000
@WatchTillTandava : you've nailed it completely with your posting. It's all a question of power and control. Those in power and with a higher status easily get whatever they fancy and they are or had been protected by the powerful ones during their lives. See Epstein, Epstein's clients, the Church, Jimmy Savile and many more.
Another possible reason for a vocal outcry is an attempt to get a better social standing, however, they are not going against those protected by the powerful, but rather against people that appear to be much easier targets to feed their egos.

It's rather sad if people ask the age to feel on the safe side instead of determining by appearance and how the other person behaves whether or not someone is ready for something. Of course, there can be genuine curiosity, but when a question such as "how old are you?" is asked very early on, there are either hidden motives behind it or it contains the potential of ageism, as in the picture the one asking the question has will change depending on the answer.

The point is that stuff like that should be decided on a case by case basis. As there are indeed cases in which the older person manipulates the younger one and cases in which there is actual love between both people. Hence why I like the regulations in Germany where 14 is the absolute minimum, but if the older person is above 21, the parents can (but do not have to) intervene until the younger one is 16. However, that intervention can be overruled if it goes against the interest and well-being of the younger one.

Yes, some people can experience way more in way fewer years of existing on Earth
NoboruMay 13, 2023 2:33 PM
May 13, 2023 1:39 PM

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Feb 2022
2990
ryo-san said:
ChouunShiryuu said:
Depends, if it's 16 year old girl with 24 year old guy, i find it okay. If it is 29 year old guy with 30 year old woman i barf.


I'm looking to marry some filthy rich 80 year old oba-san...

Yes, but that is strategic time investment. You can get an engineering degree by investing 4 years and still getting paid trash, or you can invest 4 years in oba-san and get lump sum payment pero ~ (✿ ͡° ⁄ ͜⁄ ⁄ ⁄ ͡°)~
May 13, 2023 2:46 PM

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Jun 2019
7951
Noboru said:
@WatchTillTandava : you've nailed it completely with your posting. It's all a question of power and control. Those in power and with a higher status easily get whatever they fancy and they are or had been protected by the powerful ones during their lives. See Epstein, Epstein's clients, the Church, Jimmy Savile and many more.
Another possible reason for a vocal outcry is an attempt to get a better social standing, however, they are not going against those protected by the powerful, but rather against people that appear to be much easier targets to feed their egos.

It's rather sad if people ask the age to feel on the safe side instead of determining by appearance and how the other person behaves whether or not someone is ready for something. Of course, there can be genuine curiosity, but when a question such as "how old are you?" is asked very early on, there are either hidden motives behind it or it contains the potential of ageism, as in the picture the one asking the question has will change depending on the answer.

The point is that stuff like that should be decided on a case by case basis. As there are indeed cases in which the older person manipulates the younger one and cases in which there is actual love between both people. Hence why I like the regulations in Germany where 14 is the absolute minimum, but if the older person is above 21, the parents can (but do not have to) intervene until the younger one is 16. However, that intervention can be overruled if it goes against the interest and well-being of the younger one.

Yes, some people can experience way more in way fewer years of existing on Earth
Germany has it figured out. That's the most reasonable and sensible, balanced approach to human sexual health and relations I've yet heard. It's always struck me as funny that, as a non-German, as many disagreements I have and issues I could take with with other domestic policies and foreign policy of the usual ruling parties and Bundesrepublik as a whole, as far as those I know about and have any stance on at all, that this is one area they seem to have consistently been wise and decent on. It's such a refreshing breath of fresh air, in this one aspect at least, to have a country and one of its denizens, not so thoroughly gripped by Puritanism and fundamentalist-esque attitudes masked as something progressive or scientific when the Puritan-type stance is unscientific and contrary to human biology and nature. I'm glad the West, let alone the world as a whole, resists homogenizing on this issue and the resulting policies. It's something too existential in its implications for the human experience to have the extremists on the sort of fake-moral side run roughshod over everyone else's countries, families, and individual lives. 
May 14, 2023 5:31 PM

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Jun 2017
6666
I'm not particularly picky on that sort of thing. I'm 25 and i don't feel comfortable going below 21, they should at least be old enough to buy beer. As for maximum, i really have no idea, i don't really care.
My waifu is the most wonderful waifu. Mai Valentine.

We're freaking out that we're running out of time, but to do what? Should i stop and think of that? Is there something i could do to slow it down? Live in a day for once, instead of watch it sprinting by
May 14, 2023 8:09 PM

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3825
Don't care about others, but me personally, I'd prefer someone close to my age or older, all the grannies out there can still get it btw 😎 🤙
May 14, 2023 8:22 PM

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Jul 2015
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no such thing once both people are 18 imo
May 14, 2023 11:49 PM

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4739
Age different doesn't matter as long as one of them doesn't take advantage of the other. With 16 they should be old enough to realize what is going on so anything above that age works. It's just a question how well it works because a much older person will obviously have different life experience and interests.
May 16, 2023 8:39 AM

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May 2023
102
if it looks like there isn’t a power imbalance i’m fine with it
May 16, 2023 8:45 AM
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713
If both parties are underage, then I'd say 2 years.
If both parties are adults, then probably 5-7 years is a good/acceptable age difference. If you could have reasonably played together as children, then I think it's fine. One of my mother's friends has a 10-year age gap with her husband and I think that's crazy. He was entering middle school while she was learning to walk. That's kinda off-putting to me. 

For fiction: I'd say 10 years max. I've read series where it's more, but 10 years max is what I'm usually chill with. I'll read age gap romances, and there are some that I think are executed well, but I prefer romances where the two parties are around the same age.
I'm either crashing out or fujoing out.
May 16, 2023 8:46 AM
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224
spaceslut said:
I know how commonplace age differences are in anime/manga but how much is too much? IRL as well. 

I honestly hate large age gaps aside from the supernatural both are adults scenarios. I know someone who was 24 and dating a 16-year-old IRL as well. V illegal I know also very gross.
Huh 16 and 20+ is pretty normal elsewhere you know? The girls in my country usually get active around 14 (even though still illegal)
May 16, 2023 9:20 AM
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Dec 2022
4379
XiaXueYi said:
Huh 16 and 20+ is pretty normal elsewhere you know? The girls in my country usually get active around 14 (even though still illegal)
Is it PRC or ROC? That being said, my grandaunt married her husband and their age difference was quite broad.
May 16, 2023 9:26 AM
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224
MalchikRepaid said:
XiaXueYi said:
Huh 16 and 20+ is pretty normal elsewhere you know? The girls in my country usually get active around 14 (even though still illegal)
Is it PRC or ROC? That being said, my grandaunt married her husband and their age difference was quite broad.
neither, it's a southeast asia country

the more people I talked to irl and saw on reddit, the more I'm seeing 5-10yr age gap being more common than most people think.
May 16, 2023 12:19 PM
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Jul 2018
561791
Underaged ca. 3 years. Or I don't care for age differences like 17-20 or so.
I myself wouldn't get with someone, who's below ca. 22 or above 40-45, especially the first one. The thought of having sex with someone below 22 is so weird to me, even tho it's legal.
For adults I'd say in general +/- 10-15 years, depending on the age of both.
May 16, 2023 3:30 PM

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Aug 2017
132
If they're both adults, I don't care how big the age gap is. Can an older adult manipulate a younger adult? Sure, but there's potential power dynamics in literally any relationship, all we can do is prevent those which are too lopsided to be safe or consensual (teacher x student, boss x employee, adult x child, etc.)

Plus honestly in works of fiction, I don't care what weird things people wanna explore. 
Life is more pleasure than pain. You have meaning so long as you choose to. Everything matters to someone.
May 16, 2023 4:39 PM

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Aug 2021
4888
If the people in a relationship are already of legal age then it doesn't matter the age difference (if they want kids then it matters) but if it's someone 23 or 30 or older with someone under age then it doesn't matter if it's just a few years apart, they can't have sex, they'll have to wait.

May 16, 2023 4:44 PM

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Dec 2015
7396
In the UK we have "Romeo & Juliet" laws which states "if there's grass on the field play ball"
...honestly it seems kind of weird, but that's what the Queen (RIP) decreed and therefore it's British law.
May 16, 2023 10:56 PM

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Dec 2017
44
old enough to bleed, old enough to breed

May 17, 2023 2:25 AM

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Oct 2017
5438
I would say once you have some expectation of financial stability (after 22/23) it really doesn't matter. If some 24 year old wants to hook up with a 70 year old that is their prerogative as a functioning adult. It would be still kinda creepy for a 30 year old to go after people just out of HS though.  
Jun 12, 2023 4:08 PM

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Apr 2023
437
Minors dating grown ups is obviously a no no, but in real life if someone has a 1 month,1 minute or even a nanosec other than just a few years in grown up world between consenting adults, somehow its pdf file shit even though its between consenting adults and also yeah, post minor the new thing now what a hell of a word to avoid grown up responsbilties i see.

Daily reminder moving pixels and drawing cels have 0 human rights at all and also these people are always really projecitng the ones who come up with this beyond pointles discourse.

Jun 12, 2023 4:16 PM

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Oct 2012
16077
I'm not gonna lie. I'm in my 30s and hung out with a 19 year old girl recently. I'm sure there are people who judge, but I don't care what they think. And yes we're emotionally and intellectually in very different places, which might strain a long term relationship depending on the maturity of the individuals. But getting a soulmate isn't the only reason people date.

Honestly, "morality" is just for salty people to push their negativity on other people. Spare me. People have this rosy image of the "innocence" of people younger than them, which is frankly very harmful to society. But I've met (not dated) 16 year olds that have probably been through more shit than some privileged presumptuous boomer.
My subjective reviews: katsureview.wordpress.com
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Jun 12, 2023 4:20 PM

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Oct 2012
16077
1stburneracct said:
old enough to bleed, old enough to breed
So 7? I guess I'm giving you attention on your burner account. Congratulations!
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THE CHAT CLUB.
Jun 12, 2023 4:22 PM

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May 2023
317
It doesn't depend only on the age, but the rate of maturity in the person. This can apply not only to sex, but other relationships as well. There is a lot of stigma about sex with minors among many communities, and the same doesn't apply to other relationships that may cause some people emotional harm. I prefer to think for myself, and I don't find the moralism rational. How am I really supposed to know the right or wrong age difference for everyone? Just about anything can bother someone, or not. The world is full of masochists and sadists, so everything is relative.



In the spoilers is a preview of Yuri Lolicon.

So 7?


I highly doubt it. Maybe a world record premature pregnancy, but not under normal conditions.
AstachannaJun 12, 2023 4:30 PM
Jun 13, 2023 1:08 PM

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Oct 2012
16077
Astachanna said:

I highly doubt it. Maybe a world record premature pregnancy, but not under normal conditions.
Then you haven't heard of the hormonal disruption these days from kids eating too much junk food, using beauty products (e.g. with lavender in them) or various kinds of plastics.

Okay, Googled it, I meant 8. “It is not uncommon for girls to start their period as young as 8 or 9,”
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THE CHAT CLUB.
Jun 13, 2023 3:03 PM
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Jul 2018
561791
katsucats said:
I'm not gonna lie. I'm in my 30s and hung out with a 19 year old girl recently. I'm sure there are people who judge, but I don't care what they think. And yes we're emotionally and intellectually in very different places, which might strain a long term relationship depending on the maturity of the individuals. But getting a soulmate isn't the only reason people date.

Honestly, "morality" is just for salty people to push their negativity on other people. Spare me. People have this rosy image of the "innocence" of people younger than them, which is frankly very harmful to society. But I've met (not dated) 16 year olds that have probably been through more shit than some privileged presumptuous boomer.

You are absolutely right with your last sentence. There are lot of 40, 50+ yo that have their life sorted out pretty well for them for most of their life and never faced any real challenges, so I guess it's fair to say that.

Although I just don't feel any attraction to much younger people... I mean, it takes time for me anyway haha It's not wrong that your girlfriend or whatever she is to you, is 19 yo, because she's an adult, who is able to decide for herself and I hate that infantilization of young women, but I just can't imagine that. At least not from my personal experiences so far.

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It’s time to ditch the text file.
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