Heavy Object

Quiz time! What's the most important element of a good war story?
a) The gripping character drama as relatable characters are forced into dangerous situations
b) The moral ambiguity of the conflict (good people having to do bad things)
c) The themes of loss, both of life and of innocence, on the battlefield
d) The tits and ass of the 14 year-old mecha pilot

If you answered D, congratulations! You might be a future light novel writer.

Every season of anime has one show that is so awful it can't even be enjoyed for its failings anymore. This season, one of the candidates for that prestigious wooden spoon ... falls to Heavy Object, a series based off a light novel (alarm bells ringing yet?) by the notoriously anal-retentive Kazuma Kamachi. While it isn't the absolute worst the season has produced so far, it's right near the bottom.

STORY- 1/10

The world of Heavy Object is one where the titular Objects, giant, round mecha, fight in a series of never-ending conflicts with laser guns and all sorts of other advanced technology. Just from reading the blurb on MAL and seeing the picture, I bet you'd expect a hilarious Michael Bay meets G Gundam-style train wreck with mecha beating the piss out of each other, deliciously hammy screaming, the power of nakama, and everything that possibly can blow up blowing up.

It's not.

While some shows might be terrible in both production values and story, they are just so delightfully over-the-top that you can derive all sorts of enjoyment from them. This show is not that at all. If Code Geass is the equivalent of two 747s colliding in midair, and Mirai Nikki is the equivalent of a fully-loaded freight train plowing a poor 16-wheeler who had the misfortune to stall right on the railroad tracks, Heavy Object is the equivalent of backing into a light pole in the neighborhood going 15 miles an hour.

"But surely," you say, "when two incredibly powerful and destructive mechs go at it, there's got to be something to enjoy, right?"

First off, a lot of the time it's not even two mecha fighting at all. The story is mainly about our two bland protagonists goofing off, being perverts, and...blowing up Objects with barely applicable "reasoning".

Yes, the most advanced technological weapon in the history of man, one that "was single-handedly able to change war forever", is defeated by two ordinary foot soldiers. And again, and again, and again, and again. You now have a good idea of the plot. It devalues the threat of the Objects so much because the countries that use them seem downright idiotic for letting two regular joes being able to blow them up on a regular basis. Hasn't anyone actually thought of preparing for sabotage, or trying to stop it?

As well as being utterly boring, it doesn't help that the show shoehorns in what seems like every light novel trope, in dead seriousness. There's constant gazes and glimpses of the schoolgirl mecha pilot's, well, ejection hatch, and most of the fanservice of both her and the attractive female commander (case in point: the infamous pole-dancing scene) comes off as completely out of place due to the fact that there's just so much of it despite it being completely superfluous and unnecessary. The commander wears kimonos that show off her shoulders and breasts. There's an idol singer who shows up for a few episodes. A private military contractor in the final few episodes dresses like maids, and they say "goshujinsama". I am not making this up. This is despite the ethnic makeup of every character that has appeared in the story being 0% Japanese.

At some point, you wonder if the writer has any idea what a war story, or mecha story, actually is. But that doesn't stop Kamachi.

One of the good parts of To Aru Majutsu no Index, as much as I had gripes with it, was how detailed its setting was. Almost every character and artifact that appeared had pages on who they were and why they were important, and it added a lot of depth to what would be a forgettable harem light novel. Heavy Object doesn't even have the worldbuilding aspect going for it. The world is fractured into all sorts of small countries fighting each other because...they are. That's it. This is compounded by the fact that the author seems to have no idea how an actual military works. Let's just say that anyone who's actually served overseas would be less than pleased at this anime's portrayal of war.

There's even times where the story tries to get serious, and bring questions of morality into the equation. The key word here is "tries", because it sure doesn't succeed. Characters will discuss the immoral side of war (while the enemies they're fighting are obviously and hilariously evil, mind you), and then the next scene will be another steamy fanservice scene in a change so quick it will give you whiplash. All the light novel tropes mentioned above makes it impossible to take any serious aspects of the story at face value, and the sheer cliche status of the characters makes it downright idiotic to try to introduce these "mature" elements. Morality is a key issue of war stories, but Heavy Object is too much of a joke to really even be considered one, and as such should never have attempted to get serious in the first place. I hear fans all over say that "you shouldn't take it seriously". However, why shouldn't I when it attempts to pose questions such as this? It clearly wants to take itself seriously. Why should it be judged as a parody?

CHARACTERS-1/10

Main characters Qwenthur and Havia are completely and totally depthless and generic, except for their perversity which seems to increase exponentially every arc. It's like the author decided to drop two harem MCs into a setting without even making it a harem, because both of them could be interchanged with any other light novel protag without missing a beat in the story.

But my major issue with them is that they're one of the biggest Gary Stu duos of the season. Remember the fact that Objects are supposed to be so powerful they make foot soldiers obsolete? Well, these two never lose against them. They do what is the equivalent of defeating a nuclear missile with a baseball bat, and they do it every single arc. You thought Touma and his "nullify everything" was bad? The amount of plot armor these two have could send an elevator into freefall just by getting on it. Because who needs narrative tension when you have plot armor? It's not helped by the fact that they're incredibly unsympathetic; they get away with almost everything questionable they do, and the show just laughs it off.

In contrast, Milinda, the female mecha pilot, exists only to lose. The ability of the protagonists to pull bullshit logic out of their asses allowing them to win is matched only by her ability to job in fights she clearly has the edge in. The only reason why she's there is to provide fanservice, which, as she is a major character, clearly signals something's wrong with that portrayal. "Depth" does not mean "bra size", "depth" means "backstory and motivations".

The female commanding officer is largely the same as Milinda, although she at least has a few lines explaining her situation and is reasonably competent at her job. Nonetheless, the characters are all so one-dimensional that it's nearly impossible to like them.

ART- 7/10

JC Staff, known for their adaptation of mediocre light novels like Shakugan no Shana, DanMachi, and the aforementioned Index, takes the helm on this production. The art is pretty good. I'll admit it's done quite well, and while some of the CGI might be a little shaky, it melds well most of the time. It's quite possibly the only thing saving this show in the first place.

SOUND-3/10

Both the music and the voice acting are completely bland and unforgettable. Despite there being some names in the cast that are recognizable, all the characters' voices are as generic as their personalities. The music is even more so; if anyone managed to get a track from this anime stuck in their head, I'd be impressed. It goes hand in hand with the low production values of the art, and adds the final cherry on top of this atrocity of an animated television series.

OVERALL-2/10

Heavy Object had the potential to be an at least sort-of enjoyable trainwreck, but as noted above, it couldn't even manage that. Instead what we got is a weird mishmash of all the wrong parts about serious war stories, hot-blooded mecha shows, and trashy LNs. When the art is the only thing saving you from a 1/10, you know something's wrong. Hope I could at least convince someone not to watch it, or to go into it with heavy apprehensions, and it leaves me with the final thoughts that Kazuma Kamachi really needs to step his game up.

I know we’ve all made fun of light novel names over the years, but I don’t think anyone could have figured that one of the very few short ones would end up being the most reliable goldmine in terms of naming humor in quite a while. Within an hour of its airing, most people I pay attention to kept making hilari-dumb tweets such as “dropping Heavy Object because I don’t even lift” and “not even bothering to pick Heavy Object up because it looks too big for me”, and it never ceased to be funny. One wonders why we didn’t come up with this joke ... before airing considering how obvious it is in retrospect. Guess we were too busy looking at the girls’ massive bosoms and connecting the unfortunate name to them.

Now I’m a guy who’ll watch anything as long as it looks interesting, regardless of quality. And in Heavy Object’s case, I picked it up solely for the opportunity to exploit its name because I’m not mature enough to let such a childish goldmine slide past me. Unfortunately, it’s been more than six months since the show’s initial airing and by now, every other person who was also stupid enough to stick with this show has dug up every fleck of yellow sparkle in the thing, leaving me with little fresh material. As such, the only way I can proceed forward with my intended goal in regards to this awful anime is to put on a straight face and use these name-jokes ironically by pointing out its overuse and then using them anyways. Already did the first part and I’m going to proceed with the second, so let’s start right now by saying Heavy Object is truth in advertising because it’s a pretty heavy anime alright. Heavy in bullshit that is!

Heavy Object comes to us from the creators of Index/Railgun, which I don't remember a thing about aside from Touma punching nuns, so I couldn't tell you how it compares to them other than the fact that the production values are toilet-tier with or without comparison. It's full of horrible production choices, from the cheap-ass CG explosions to the character designs being plainer than a rocking chair in a nursery home. The main characters are pretty bland as well. Qwenthur Barbotage and Havia Winchell are two male soldiers who received recognition for doing the impossible and destroying an elite war machine called an Object with their own ingenuity aka dumb luck and plot convenience. This causes people to realize that Objects are less effective than Metal Gears in terms of invincibility and as such, the duo are sent on a string of dangerous missions by their commanding officers hoping that lightning can strike twice. Because this is a two-cour show based on an ongoing light novel series with no end in sight, the lightning strikes about five times throughout Heavy Object's run, each time more contrived than the last. But considering the situations are in of themselves contrived, it all balances out I guess.

The problem with our leads is that they have as much charisma as Pauly Shore and Steven Baldwin from Biodome. Everything that happens to them is completely situational, and when they're not doing their soldier duty, they're either reading porno mags or groping their superior officers. Not that it helps that said superior dresses like a stripper trying to pose as an officer, and the camera takes every opportunity to pan all over her own "heavy objects" even when she's on the battlefield. But I feel something has gone horribly wrong when the only thing you can remember about each arc after it's finished is what fetish the writer crowbarred in this time. There's also this little girl named Milinda who is pretty much the opposite in terms of fetish design, but if you think this show is above what looks to be a little girl taking every opportunity to strip down, then you don't know JC Staff. And no, none of the females are any better than our male leads in terms of likability. They're just not stupid enough to the point that you'd want to punch them, then drill holes in their heads before turning it on yourself.

As is usual for what passes for writing in light novel world, Heavy Object is a load of heavy plot without any actual story to support viewers when they pick it up. There are several episodes - usually at the start of a new arc - that consist of nothing but exposition and the male leads trying to import some foreign porn. Not exactly something that I want to carry around, is it? And the missions themselves are completely throwaway, not amounting to anything but visual junk food that never changes that status quo and isn't even exciting to watch due to the horrible direction and the obviously pandering fetish fuel. None of the military stuff even remotely resembles real life, and if this is supposed to be a satire regarding the future of government weapons, whatever it's trying to say about them is completely lost on me. At one point, the characters run into a military unit consisting of nothing but female soldiers dressed in maid uniforms for a reason that I honestly can't remember and refuse to look up because the outfits are never relevant to the plot and neither are those soldiers for that matter. We all know the only reason it exists was just so that we could have maid fanservice in this anime, so really who cares? And it's the fact that no one does that exemplifies just how completely pointless anything that happens in Heavy Object is.

Speaking of female soldiers, there sure are a lot of them holding important positions in a primarily male-dominated profession, aren't there? Every single arc seems to have at least one new girl for the characters to interact with, and I can't remember a single important supporting cast member with a Y chromosome that didn't look like he belonged right at home in an NTR hentai. You could say it's a progressive choice, but given how most of the females have to be supported by men who aren't exactly General Patton in terms of intimidating in order to do anything, along with the fact that I don't exactly see the males wearing uniforms with their chests hanging out, you'd have a hard time convincing me or 99% of the human population that that is true. It's just bland, light novel, reverse feminism bullshit of giving the females powerful positions and removing what made them so powerful in the first place to the point that you might as well have not bothered.

And that's what Heavy Bullshit is at the end of the day. Bland. Invisible. Toothless. Castrated. Completely fucking stupid. So full of nothing but heavy crap that made my thinking muscles sore after holding onto it for so long. There's no story, there's no character development, there's no overall progression, and the production is so lazy it makes a Snorlax look energetic. My advice to you? Don't even bother picking it up. There are much better ways to work out that don't involve the risk of dropping a heavy object right on your foot and causing permanent damage.

War. When it comes to war, the general idea that comes to mind is two opposing sides battling each other for domination in some way shape or form. Many forms of media and real life have bounced off this idea with things like psychological war, cold war, and just straight up war. And so, with JC staff's 2-cour adaptation of Heavy Object, we have war between gigantic balls with guns attached to them. Oh boy...

Side Note: If I misspell the names, don't flame me. Kamachi has weird names, and there're different spellings everywhere. Funimation spells it one way, ... wikis and other sources spell it another, you get the gist of it.

Story: As the world has gone through drastic changes in the world of Heavy Object. Due to the introduction of a new war machine called 'Objects', gigantic nuclear powered spheres with all kinds of weapons attached to them, the world has now been split into four world powers, each representing a different aspect of humanity that is considered important, the Legitimacy Kingdom, the Information Alliance, the Capitalist Corporations, and the Faith Organization. It is here where we follow the story of Qwenther Barbotage, an aspiring Object engineer who learns the true meaning of war as he fights against objects.

Side Note: Can I just say how hilarious the idea of fighting an object actually is? I just imagine someone screaming "RUN! IT'S AN OBJECT!" Cause quite honestly, that is the most non-descriptive thing you can say about a rampaging war machine. It's fabulous. Now back to the actual review.

Heavy Object in its simplest explanation is destroying objects. That's basically it. The entire show revolves around Qwenther and his buddy Havia, a radar analyst, essentially just derping around on the battlefield, figuring out on the top of their heads how to rout an object to the point that they win the battle with the enemy object destroyed. It's a very repetitive story that's only interesting because every new object is different and our bumbling idiots have to work out a different strategy every time, usually involving something to do with the main object of the series, the 'Baby Magnum.' (Don't ask why it's named that, just roll with it.) With such a simplistic story, there are bound to be flaws, and Heavy Object has that in spades.

One of the most glaring issues about Heavy Object is its sheer lack of anything else. While yes the show focuses more on the in-battle aspect of war, there're also moments in the show that tackle the underground politics or negotiation side of war, which we really don't get to see. Because of that, anything motive as to why they are fighting the specific object at the time goes largely unexplained or with so little information that they might as well not be saying anything at all. As a result of this, character, particularly villain motivation, is rather absent, and we're just sort of left with a 'boom, boom, pow' anime without really all that much substance behind it.

Overall, Heavy Object's story isn't really much to talk about. It has a lot of missing details to convey a proper story, and all of the screentime is devoted solely to the battles that are going on without much aftermath or any background information to go with it. It's all just mindless battles between giant ball things that shoot and destroy literally everything that they come in contact with. (I think they leveled a mountain one time...)

Overview:
+ Boom, Pow, ACTION!
- Not really much else

Characters: Similarly, characters in this show are really only heavily focused if they're on the frontlines due to the way that the show is structured. As such, characters who are more or less always in the action like our main characters get more attention, while those who work in the sidelines or behind the scenes don't.

First, there's Qwenther Barbatoge and Havia Winchell, the main characters of Heavy Object. Smart when it comes to engineering and war tactics and idiot when it comes to practically everything else, Qwenther and Havia act as carbon copied clones of one another, with their only differences coming from where each of them come from and what each of them expertise in, these two bumbling idiots really don't have much in terms of defining one from another, further solidified from the fact that neither of them really get much character development.

Then we have Milinda Brantini, the pilot of the main object of the series, the 'Baby Magnum'. As an Object Elite, someone who controls and mans the gigantic ball of death, and a princess of the Legitimate Kingdom, Milinda's role as a character is quite...limited. While yes, she is the pilot of the Object, the amount of time that we dedicate to her and her purpose in this war is staggeringly low when you compare it to how often we see Havia and Qwenther talk about their personal porn collections. The show doesn't put much attention to her (much like pretty much everything else in this series) and as such, makes it really hard to define her as a character. And that is not a good thing.

Froyletia Capistrano is the last character of major importance in this series. As leading commander over the Battalion that Qwenther and Havia are a part of, Froyletia takes on the role as more or less the ringleader of this group of characters, making sure that every plan goes to order and that they accomplish whatever the plot wants them to accomplish. Out of all of the characters, Froyletia is the one that gets the most development. Mostly due to the fact that she's the only character to get any time devoted to her backstory, but it's still development nonetheless.

And everyone else is basically spare blood or just relevant to the plot. For the most part, they're just relevant to the plot and don't get any time invested in them whatsoever, but there are like...1 or 2 rare cases (Baa-chan and the Ohoho in this case) that have more to them than just enemy or friendly characters.

Overview:
+ Character development on Froyletia
- Main characters are static and underdeveloped
- Side characters are basically spare blood

Art: The art for Heavy Object is...mediocre at best. The animation isn't really all that stellar and dips in quality depending on what exactly is being shown in the picture. In terms of character designs, they're decent. In terms of background, they're also, just decent. In terms of the objects, well, they're CGI monstrosities that aren't actually as bad as I thought. And when it comes to water, well, it's terrible. Terrible water is terrible.

And because the show has ecchi, I'm gonna have to talk about that aspect. (Oh boy.) Heavy Object has quite a bit of ecchi for a show that's not really about sexual aspects. Due to our two main bumbling idiots being complete pervs and holding hoards upon hoards of porn, and Froyletia having a model body, well, you can kind of see where I'm going with this. They poke fun at it every now and then, and it kind of flows with the story. Sort of. It's not as heavy as it could've been, but they do take advantage of it as much as they can.

Overview:
+/- Wavering quality art
+/- Ecchi is present, but not TOO present

Sound: Being a 2-cour series, Heavy Object has two OPs and EDs in order to accompany the respective parts. The OPs for both sides have rock songs to elevate the feeling of action, when really, they're just sort of generic and fade away in a slew of other generic songs.

The EDs on the other hand have a completely opposite feeling to them, as they're more or less these cheerful and happy songs that really...don't match with the feeling of WAR AND DESTRUCTION that this show so often shows us. Personally, I don't find any of these tracks special and are completely skippable since they really have no true merit to them or any real way of standing out.

Overview:
+/- Kinda meh OST

Personal Enjoyment: Going into this series, I was skeptical. Mechas aren't usually my cup of tea when it comes to anime, and seeing gigantic balls tread around a field firing bullets at literally everything...yeah, I wasn't exactly the most keen about it. (I was kinda pressured into watching it. Kind of.) And at the end, well, I can safely say that it was terrible, but not as bad as I thought it would be. Would I watch it again? Hell no. Would I say it should burn in the pits of hell? Well...no...but kinda.

Did I enjoy this anime?

This one is a bit half and half, seeing as how the two bumbling idiots were honestly quite entertaining at times. The sheer amount of antics those two get into on a per hourly basis is sometimes so bullshit you can't help but laugh at them.

What didn't I like about this anime?

An entire section of the story was missing. Because you don't get a feel for the politics that go around with the story, the central reason why these gigantic balls of death even fight each other really isn't there and it just breaks continuity in a way that it doesn't feel enjoyable to watch since the show only plans for what is happening right now, rather than what is happening beforehand and after that.

Would I recommend this anime?

Like guns? Like explosions? Like random fanservice moments every now and then without having to think too too hard as to what is happening now? Watch Heavy Object. That's about all it's worth for. If not, well, skip it. That's my personal recommendation, see you in the next one.

(This review has been adapted from my blog/reddit thread. Spoilers ahead!)

The heaviest item I have ever picked up was a giant television in my parents’ basement.

Though, at the time, it felt like I was carrying a medium-sized engine rather than a piece of technology that I once played all of my video games on. I distinctly remember picking it up, but, I had so much trouble, my father had to help out. Even then, when it finally got stashed away, the muscles in my arms convulsed from the strain.

That either says a lot about the TV or a lot about me. Probably both.

Regardless, it weighs ... nothing compared to the monstrosities created within Heavy Object. I’m talking pounds versus tons. Hundreds of thousands of tons. But more than weight, it also has tons of problems, too.


STORY

Heavy Object places Qwenthur and Havia, a student abroad and a radar analyst, in the battlefield of war. However, in this day and age, wars are not fought between foot soldiers but rather huge, hulking, and heavy machines codenamed Objects.

To see these Objects in action, the anime partitions itself into many mini arcs. Each arc, not lasting longer than three episodes and adopting crazy-long titles, follows the same pattern. The Legitimate Kingdom’s (the good guys) Object shows up and cannot succeed on its own. Qwenthur and Havia do the majority of the grunt work. And everybody lives happily ever after.

For twenty-four episodes.

Without fail.

It makes one wonder how this country survived without Qwenthur and Havia since they pretty much win every single battle by themselves. It also causes some frustration with the action. Milinda, the pilot for Baby Magnum (the Object owned by the Legitimate Kingdom), almost never destroys an enemy Object and vice versa. In essence, this leads to a lot of repetition and frustration when the battles involve little more than two giant balls rotating about each other while their artillery, gunfire, and lasers continually miss.

To be fair, each encounter manages to differentiate itself from the others even if they are more or less the same set of events. For example, “The Graveyard of Junk is a Mountain of Rare Metals” sees Qwenthur infiltrating the inside of the Object to stop the Elite that pilots it. And “Tom Thumb Races Through the Oil Field” sees Qwenthur trekking underwater to blow up mines being dragged along by the enemy Object.

Plus, the anime diversifies its setting. Yes, it has a few extra snowy locales, but the anime makes an effort to have the war take place within a dense jungle, rough mountains, and an abandoned city. With the change in locale comes different types of Objects and, hence, new solutions that Qwenthur and Havia must concoct.

To be even more fair, the point of Heavy Object’s pattern, the reason why the bro-buddy duo always arrives to save the day, is to support its biggest theme. That theme? To show that man still has purpose despite the overwhelming reliance on Objects.

Qwenthur and Havia represent a “dying breed” of war: troops. With the advent of war doctrines and these technological behemoths, ground support is rarely needed nowadays. On top of this, they can barely do anything against such monstrosities. But these two demonstrate time and again that what man has created, he can destroy.

Admittedly, this theme undergoes a lot of heavy-handedness in the form of swathing exposition. I.e., hearing Havia cry about man being unable to beat machine (when they have literally been proving otherwise) gets tiresome.

The anime attempts to tackle other themes, such as the darker side of war (notably rape) and the loss of comrades. But these ideas either undergo the same overt explanation or are only briefly thought about without exploration.

Stepping back from the themes and looking solely at the plot developments, the anime sees trouble here as well. Frankly, a lot of the plot points come out of nowhere. The “Mirror of Truth” in the final arc. The spy planted by the Legitimate Kingdom during “The Coal Mine Littered with Stacks of Money.” The so-called “Blind Net” that terrorists were aiming to destroy to attack a resort on the moon. These are just a few examples of the anime coming up with material on the spot.

Simultaneously, the anime can demonstrate a bit of writing know-how. From those same examples, the anime takes advantage of characters or ideas introduced beforehand, making the outcomes feel logical. Like when Qwenthur uses diamonds he stole from that mine or when the villain in the final arc is the same guy they let live earlier in the season. In other words, the plot points start off awkwardly but end up nicely.

Lastly, the anime loves to include sexual moments. More specifically, the anime centers a lot of its comedy and downtime on shenanigans involving a naked Frolaytia or a “mission” to out the boys’ smut stash. Not ecchi but rather provocative. And that makes sense – two boys cooped up in the military gives the sex much-needed context. To put it differently, having this material around does not detract from the experience but instead improves it.

All in all, the anime may not be much more than comedy, action, and sex. But when it does try to be more than that, it cannot carry itself.

ANIMATION

The art and animation for Heavy Object teeters on the edge between passable and not quite so.

The Objects themselves are rather dull. They are hunks of metal with giant cannons attached to them. Cool, but, when each one more or less has the same look, with minor variations in dull colors, they aren’t the most pleasant entities in the anime. Although, to be fair, the CGI used to create the objects looks acceptable, maybe even nice, a majority of the time.

Locations are likewise lackluster. Mountainous regions and dense forests are arguably atmospheric, but they do not lend themselves to minute details, inducing the same sense of repetition as the Objects. Plus, more often than not, the areas are vast and open, leaving even less room for artistic flexibility.

Actual animation tends to stray somewhere around average. Explosions explode in a fiery mass of smoke and debris. The Objects strafe, jump, and cruise appropriately. And Frolaytia gets a few extra frames for her breasts and poses to up her sexuality.

The rest of the anime, however, does not stand out. Qwenthur and Havia run around a lot, they do a lot of speaking. But nothing impressive. Nothing awful either (at least, no notable dips). Just an average amount of body movements and facial expressions.

The character designs are the same way with a few exceptions. To be fair, Qwenthur and Havia are somewhat meant to be the all-around Joes. Meaning their short-cropped hair and regular physiques go along with their every-man personas. But their change in gear, depending on the area, comes only with barest of details. “Ohoho” gets her fake design and her actual design, a switch the anime uses for nice comedic effect.

Frolaytia, though, deserves the biggest mention. Her silver hair, tight officer’s uniform, sharp, purple eyes, personal pipe, and bountiful assets turn her into a commander worth leading others and lusting after.

Every other design, however, does not reach the same level. Milinda’s bob-cut blonde hair and purple-and-blue attire, while cute, does not catch the eye. And the rest of the cast are just too plain to mention. Admittedly, that may be the point – despite the Objects, the setting is a realistic one – but they still do not make for enticing designs.

CHARACTERS

The cast of Heavy Object have a major problem: little is known about them.

The characters who receive the most time are Frolaytia and Havia. Frolaytia decided to join the military to escape the hungry eyes of hormonal men. In essence, her genetics (specifically her ability to create heirs) has made her much sought after. Not as a person or a woman but as an object to continue the family heritage of her “potential” suitors.

Her backstory makes her tough personality and harsh leadership easier to understand; she simply hates being looked down upon. Sadly, that’s the extent of her character. Every other time she’s on screen is used to showcase her sexuality: bending over while playing pool, groaning in the gym, and so on. Even when her backstory turns into a plot point, the anime makes fondling her breasts and calling her a slut the answer to her problem.

Havia is not that much better. As the lesser half to the best-friend pair, he is actually in line to take over as head of his family. Meaning he did not have to join the military. But he chose to anyway as a way to learn and grow and become stronger.

He, more so than Qwenthur, is the funny man, cracking jokes whenever possible. He also acts as the voice of reason. Where Qwenthur is always gung-ho about diving into yet another Object quarrel, Havia argues against the decision, citing the scale, the difficulty, or any other relevant factor that will surely lead to his and his best friend’s demise.

And despite his perverted tendencies and love of women, he betrothed himself to the daughter of a rival family, indicating a sense of maturity that one does not often associate with him.

Similar to Frolaytia, however, Havia does not get much more than this. Indeed, he’s the “lesser half” because Qwenthur usually gets most of the glory. Granted, this imbalanced praise is a joke that the anime uses – Havia getting mistreated does make for some nice comedy – but he rarely gets the commendations he deserves.

Speaking of Qwenthur, even less is known about him. He is a student training and learning in order to become an Object designer. Suffice it to say that his time destroying said Objects has certainly given him a lot of knowledge. Most of the time, though, he spends joking with Havia, staring at Frolaytia, or helping Milinda. Other details are given, such as a father who works for a living or his knack for quick thinking, but his character does not extend beyond these details.

Believe it or not, Milinda has it even worse. Perhaps the worst. She is an Elite, a specialized soldier who controls Objects. Technically a princess, her unemotional personality and unique lifestyle has kept her separated from others. In short, she’s lonely.

Qwenthur turns into her romantic love interest, but that goes nowhere. In fact, her loneliness hardly changes. She is always in the Baby Magnum (and being useless), so she rarely interacts with him. Doubly so for Frolaytia, Havia, and the other characters. She gets next to no backstory, her relationships do not change, and she does not develop as a person. The most the anime gives about her character has to be gleaned from (both of) the ED visuals. Her only role is to pilot the Legitimate Kingdom’s object and occasionally provide a different brand of sexuality.

Still, it’s difficult to call the cast awful when the anime focused on exactly what it wanted to be: a high-action anime featuring two bros, some sexy girls, and a ton of tech. But it still would have been beneficial to see them affected more by their situation, by the outcomes, and by each other.

SOUND

The music for Heavy Object is arguably its weakest category.

At the minimum, the first opening track and the voice acting performances are worthy of some props. What the first OP does well is combining coolness with a twinge of comedy (in the first half) and a triumphant tone (in the second half). The hard rock, catchy beat, and mixture of both Japanese and English lyrics also contribute to the overall strength of the piece.

As for the voice acting performances, while not top-of-the-line or stand-out, they make the cast fun to listen to throughout. Natsuki Hanae as Qwenthur and Kaito Ishikawa as Havia work well in tandem, providing fast-paced dialogue segments, lots of yelling, and occasional swearing. Shizuka Itou as Frolaytia does not speak fast or yell or swear all that much, but she brings the sex appeal with a sultry voice nonetheless. And while Eri Suzuki as Milinda has a nice monotone way of speaking, she is not around enough to make much of an impact.

The rest of the music finds trouble. The second OP tries to replicate what the first OP did, but it fails. It’s still hard rock, triumphant, and filled with both Japanese and English lyrics. But, this time, the beat is not as catchy, the triumph is not as thrilling, and the singing sounds clunky, out-of-place.

Listening to the ending tracks makes it obvious how different in tone they are from their OP counterparts. Focusing on happiness, the first ED still uses guitar and drums, but the piece backs itself with quieter vocals and a pleasant piano. Unfortunately, the first half is too tame and the second half somewhat comes out of nowhere with emotion – i.e., the two halves do not mesh well together. At the minimum, the last few notes – with just the piano and the singer – make for a sweet little ending.

The second ED, similar to the second OP, follows its former self. Happiness is still the main feeling, but this track has better flow, using background singers, violins, and a tighter transition between the first and second halves. It ends with not as sentimental a note, the vocalist is not a powerhouse, and the track as a whole is pretty boring. But it at least stands taller than the first ED and the second OP.

Last but (maybe) not least, the original soundtrack consists of many a track comprised of lots of techno beats and effects and compositions. A decision made mainly to coincide with the cool-tubular-awesome vibe of the anime – two bros hanging out on a battlefield filled with guns and hot girls. Overall, though, the OST does not leave any lasting impressions despite how fitting it may be.

ENJOYMENT

I had one constant positive that I always looked forward to with this one: Frolaytia. She was a goddess. I loved every scene she was in; I couldn’t get enough of her. She was sexy and tough and amazing.

I also quite liked Qwenthur and Havia’s relationship. Their bickering about what to do or where to go was a lot of fun. It managed to feel as though they really were best bros forced to take part in a bunch of high-stakes missions. Havia making a snide comment, Qwenthur responding back with a witty line. One of my favorite moments with them has Havia tackling Qwenthur to the ground once Havia learns that Qwenthur fondled Frolaytia’s bosom (to help her out of a bind). They made for a silly duo whose exploits had me laughing from time to time.

Action-wise, I was not too enthralled. In the beginning, when the prospect of Qwenthur and crew going up against these massive Objects was fresh, it was a bit interesting to watch. But as the season progressed, it started to drag as the action became more of the same.

However, I will give praise to the “The Graveyard of Junk is a Mountain of Rare Metals” arc. The anime used Qwenthur’s safety word and the semi-love-triangle between him, Milinda, and Ohoho (actual name apparently unknown, which is funny in itself) to make for some really solid episodes.

Speaking of romance, it would have been nice for romance to have more of a foothold in the show. Especially since it is hinted at with both Qwenthur (with Milinda) and Havia (with Lady Vanderbilt, the rival family’s daughter). That route was technically one the anime had no interest in pursuing, but since the feelings were there, I wanted more.

Heavy Object does have positives. Frolaytia and the consistent bro-buddy presentation chief among them. But the negatives overshadow whatever strengths it may have. A misshapen plot, boring art, unexplored characters, lame music, and boring action. In other words, the anime suffers under its own weight.

SUMMARY

Story: Bad, lots of action and sex, but the semi-repetitive material, overt handling of its themes, and the shaky plot points cloud those aspects

Animation: Bad, boring art style, about average actual animation, okay character designs

Characters: Bad, Qwenthur, Havia, Frolaytia, and especially Milinda are either lacking in characterization or receive too little of attention, but, considering the focus of the anime, these problems are not a complete deal-breaker

Sound: Bad, good first OP, bad second OP, bad first ED, bad second ED, bad OST, okay VA performances

Enjoyment: Fine, Frolaytia was a goddess, Qwenthur and Havia’s relationship was fun, but the action itself was boring

Final Score: 3/10

As with any anime that "looks" like it has good production value, it therefore has somebody that decided it was "good" enough to throw money into the budget.

This is a classic case of "Looking Pretty" and sounds good, but it's more like a cliche dumb blond compared to other animes.

Story 1/10: The worst and most incomprehensible story EVER... that I've personally seen. It starts off by dropping an utterly ridiculous amount of exposition within the first few episodes. All of said exposition I immediately questioned, and ultimately called bullshit on.

And of course Japan is credited with everything that has to do with the "Objects"... up ... until they failed and let every other country on the planet steal the information they needed to make their own.

I do enjoy a well placed and sensical Dues Ex Machina, but this series pulls more Dues Ex in the first half than Mirai Nikki does altogether. Mirai Nikki made you question everything from characters, their motives, or even the story itself. This anime just does it to pass time and explain how the (real) MC is perfect, can do everything, outsmarts literally everyone, and is morally always correct.

Art 7/10: Self explanatory, it had a good budget and studio. It seems Micheal Bay may have co-directed this on the side, since the explosions and guns from the "Objects" are dramatically exaggerated and the focal points of every single scene they can possibly be in.

Sound 3/10: Everything seems alright, but once it has any kind of explosion it seems like they decided to use the most crackly and distorted explosion sounds possible. Filled with low-pitch static popping for all your ear's delight. And for some reason it adds a Japanese "Idol" moment for literally no reason than to cater to borderline ped... I mean Idol Fans.

Character 3/10: Some of the worst characters I've ever witnessed in anime.

The REAL main character is a Mary Sue blondie who is both a cliche pervert AND sexually oblivious about women. He is perfect in every way and has no flaws whatsoever. His ideals are noble, the people he takes orders from are all righteously correct, and so is he. The nation he serves is the ultimate good guy and totally doesn't want to take over the world, despite sending him out every 5 minutes to go destroy other countries superweapons and only means of self defence.

He has a sidekick in the form of his "friend" who shares his perverted interests. They try to label him as a second main character despite him doing nothing notable beyond take orders from the real main character and be off the screen for plot convenience so the real MC looks better managing things solo. The Commander also physically abuses the sidekick because she's a sadist, but he enjoys it because he's a masochist. The fact they aren't officially together is mind boggling.

Enjoyment 4/10: The only enjoyable factor really was the animation quality and the actual message that virtually every single person on the planet knew already, and Star Wars pulled off far better. That no matter how well designed and powerful a weapon is, it still has flaws to exploit.

Overall 4/10: Rating it as high as 4 is being generous. So no, I wouldn't recommend this to ANYONE. At all. The story is contrived beyond belief, the characters are terrible, the sound is wanting, and the visual budget should have gone to something that deserved it. The only reason I made it to episode 16 was because I kept hoping it would get better, but instead it got worse.

A mecha series from the writer of A Certain Scientific Railgun and the animation studio that brought us Food Wars, I had very high hopes for this series, and... it is beyond awful.
The show is set in a confusingly fractured world of poorly defined nations who constantly fight for no apparent reason using "Objects", spherical ultra-strong mecha-tanks with guns attached to them. The protagonists are an enthusiastic genius student weapons designer named Quinther, his perverted slacker of a friend Havia, and Princess Milinda who has very little in the way of any defining personality traits beyond a few hilarious scenes.
Our two male protagonists are ... both irritating sexual deviants who constantly slack off of duty and make inappropriate comments about their commanding officer's breasts, and who often only succeed in their goals because of sheer luck or extreme plot contrivance rather than actual strategy. They also recieve an excessive amount of plot armour, which peaks in the final episode in which they inexplicably survive their freaking car being hit by a missile, for which there is no explanation. The female characters meanwhile are treated as nothing more than sex objects, and the lack of respect that the protagonists have for them is beyond a joke, especially in one supposedly comical scene in which Quinther gets his CO out of an arranged marriage by sexually assaulting her boobs in full view of her would-be fiancee. I mean, for crying out loud this show is sexist. They even have a team of elite mercenaries in the second half of the show, which is made up of hyper-obedient women in fetishised cat-maid outfits. How is that appropriate gear for battle?
With that said, it's not like the male characters feel like actual people either though, especially in the first few episodes where exposition is shovelled into dialogue so much that almost everything Quinther says brings the conversation back in some way to the subject of Objects, and he talks more like someone reading from a guidebook than an actual human. These problems could have been circumvented by having a narrator for short scenes like in the similar but far superior series Knights and Magic. I get that this breaks the "show don't tell" rule, but it enhances immersion if your characters talk like actual people. In Knights and Magic, the details about the technology are given gradually by Ernesti and his allies and foes, and it works because the dialogue feels natural and people don't feel a need to talk about things they would have known for years.
Then there's the problem of the Objects themselves... they look boring. Mecha series primarily exist to be rule-of-cool action first and foremost, but there is no way to animate spheres with guns attached and make the action seem exciting in any way compared with giant robots, suits, and monsters, because you can't choreograph the fights or pull any cool camera tricks that will make a sphere look good. The name "Object" is also extremely bland and unimaginative, especially given the way mechs in other series are named, like Silhouette Knights (Knights and Magic), Knightmares (Code Geass), Idols (Idolmaster Xenoglossia), Catafracts (Aldnoah.Zero), to name a few. It's like they went with the most boring name and design as can possibly be concieved.
Another problem is that there is very little in the way of moral ambiguity, given the fragile state of the world. Sure, there are admittedly some very well executed scenes which do cause you to think about who is in the right and who is in the wrong, but those scenes are VERY few and far between. For the most part, enemies are one-dimensional purely evil mass murderers who lack clear motivation or idealogical reason besides being "evil for the sake of evil", which given that most of the organisations formed out of conflicts in ideology, makes it feel like a lot of potentially very interesting and ambiguous plot lines were missed out in favour of cliche mindless plot-armoured nonsense.
Part way through the series, we learn that Havia has a fiancee from a rival family. She appears once and is never mentioned again, and despite the fact that he acts like a pervert towards every other woman in the show, flirts with "G-cup Santa" (actual character name), and very frequently flirts with Frolaytia, we are seriously expected to believe that he genuinely loves her. But don't worry, after ne episode her plot line is completely forgotten about and she never appears again. There's also a TV presenter woman who was looking for Quinther part way through the series whose life was saved by Quinther's father. This woman also gets completely forgotten about after her one episode, making her seem completely pointless.
Speaking of pointless, the fact that Milinda is a princess of the Legitimate Knigdom (France in this world) serves NO POINT in the story at all. She is frequently placed in dangerous situations in battle with limited chance of survival, she has her body and eyes modified to make her an optimal Object pilot, she doesn't even pilot a particularly strong Object (actually she pilots one of the weakest ones in the entire series). What kind of stupid country would allow its freaking teenage princess to go on such dangerous excursions in outdated technology? It makes no sense!
Oh, and speaking of makes no sense, there is a scene in which Quinther accidentally almost kills Milinda by tightening her automated harness to the point that it almst chokes her in the first episode, then doesn't even try to save her life, because he doesn't want to touch her boobs by accident. For crying out loud, this is you're freaking princess's life, you asshole. It makes even less sence when you consider that Quinther has no problem grabbing his own commanding officer's boobs later in the series, comments "Wow, what a rack" about Milinda when she falls on him once, and as we later learn he regularly watches pornography. You can't just portray someone as an ultra non-pervert, only to then change that suddenly to make him a pervert. For crying out loud, IS SOME CHARACTER CONSISTENCY TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR, even if it's of an unlikable character?
Honestly I have about seven or eight more things wrong with this show in my head right now, from its dull soundtrack to its bizarre character motivations, but if you're really interested at this point then you are probably insane. This show is a sexist, uninspired, boring mediocrity that fails at action, fails at characterisation, fails at world-building, and just freaking fails. 2/10, not recommended.
p.s. watch Knights and Magic, it does everything that this show tries to do only much better and with much more likable and interesting characters.

If you didn't want every female character in this show to die in the end, you watched it wrong; especially the princess character. The only character development worth a crap were the two they kept sending on missions. Those were the only ones that were at all tolerable, although, they did worship the personality-less princess way too much.

They could have done so much more developing this world with the tech and circumstances laid out in the beginning. Cool idea, bad writing.

Skip this one. You won't miss much.

Okay, I guess I have to write a longer review. I am not sure how ... long, but there is not much more I can say about this anime. So in closing:

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Quite possibly the least intelligent attempt at a story I've every encountered. It basically amounts to "characters are given impossible task for absolutely no good reason, but then succeed over and over because the story is about them". Honestly the plot armor of the main characters is thicker than that of the Objects the story is about.

With that said, I'm dropping this hot garbage with the gall to call itself entertainment. The *ONLY* thing that could possibly redeem this show is if the leads realize "everyone in our country is a goddamn imbecile, lets defect to xyz" and then they fight for them ... against their former comrades. But then, that would actually be interesting, which would be against the producers goal to take a reasonable premise, piss on it, set it on fire, nuke it from orbit, and then salt the earth where it stood.

Heavy Object is a story about these war machines called Objects and each has a pilot. However, the story doesn't focus on them. Instead it focuses on three other characters: a regular male soldier, a noble male soldier and their female commander. The commander, like every other female character besides an old woman, only exist because of fan service. Boobs, legs, asses. Everyone knows that's all an anime girl is for, right? As if this wasn't enough, there's loads of sexist remarks and jokes that I don't appreciate one bit. Even their own pilot is just fanservice.

Moving on, these 2 soldiers get so many ... focus on a story about massive war machines because the plot is like a David vs Goliath sort of thing. The idea is how can 2 meaningless teenagers put up a fight and actually defeat these killing machines? Each arc features a situation like this and it became real repetive real fast.

Personally I think the overall setting and plot took ages to be introduced to the audience and the animation is too inconsistent to be fully immersed while watching this.

The only good think I can compliment about this anime is the voice acting. I think most seiyuus did a solid job with their characters.

This show is a 4/10 for me.