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Alberta Man Avoids Charges After Over 20 Pig Eyeballs Were Found Inside His Rectum

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Jul 3, 2017 2:42 AM
#1
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http://www.albertatimes.com/red-deer-man-avoids-charges-20-pig-eyeballs-found-inside-rectum/

A 54-year old man from Red Deer, Alberta has avoided charges after he was discovered with over 20 pig eyeballs stuffed inside his rectum.

Officials made a routine traffic stop early Friday morning and got more than they bargained for when Michael Guthrie, 54, stepped out of his vehicle for a field sobriety test. The officers were shocked after noticing several eyeballs sliding from his right pant leg onto the road. Fearing they could have a potential murderer on their hands, the officers quickly cuffed Guthrie and took him into custody.

Guthrie warned the officers that he had more eyeballs inside his anal cavity, but said they were not human – instead, he claimed they were pig eyeballs he had pilfered from a local slaughterhouse where he is employed as a butcher. “We saw his ID tag, but we had to conduct a test on the eyeballs to confirm his story"

“The company won’t let us take animal scraps home and instead toss them in the landfill,” Guthrie said in his statement. “They’re a very wasteful company. We should be allowed to take scrap meat and other parts home so that they don’t go to waste. There’s nothing wrong with pig eyes, even though my family protest eating them they’re full of protein.”

Tests of the eye balls found inside his anal cavity confirmed Guthrie’s story that they were of pig origin. Guthrie’s employer declined to press charges, and told media that they will review their policy about not permitting employees to take home animal scraps in light of the incident.

Meanwhile, Guthrie has been released without charge and has been handed back the confiscated pig eyes. “Instead of being thrown in the trash, I’ll use them to put dinner on the table,” he said.
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Jul 3, 2017 2:44 AM
#2
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Jul 2018
561791
cripes Canada, are you trying to outdo Florida?
also of all the parts to take the eyeballs are undisputedly the grossest, "protein" my ass
Jul 3, 2017 3:00 AM
#3

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Oct 2015
283
The weirdest part of the whole thing is actually the last sentence.
Jul 3, 2017 3:30 AM
#4

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Jun 2015
9141
was he allowed to keep his job though?
Jul 3, 2017 7:47 AM
#5

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Nov 2016
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spuukiebuugi said:
cripes Canada, are you trying to outdo Florida?
also of all the parts to take the eyeballs are undisputedly the grossest, "protein" my ass


Hey you. Don't go dissing us Floridians or we'll move to your state next.
Jul 3, 2017 8:00 AM
#6

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Jun 2014
22566
SpamuraiSensei said:
spuukiebuugi said:
cripes Canada, are you trying to outdo Florida?
also of all the parts to take the eyeballs are undisputedly the grossest, "protein" my ass


Hey you. Don't go dissing us Floridians or we'll move to your state next.


You can move to my neck of the woods anytime, baby.

Jul 3, 2017 8:08 AM
#7

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Nov 2016
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Seiya said:
SpamuraiSensei said:


Hey you. Don't go dissing us Floridians or we'll move to your state next.


You can move to my neck of the woods anytime, baby.


I thought the necklace around my neck was suppose to ward off gay boys. It seems it ain't working no more.
Jul 3, 2017 8:10 AM
#8
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Jan 2013
10764
There's nothing in this story that doesnt make me love it
gone bai bai
Jul 3, 2017 8:12 AM
#9

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Jun 2014
22566
SpamuraiSensei said:
Seiya said:


You can move to my neck of the woods anytime, baby.


I thought the necklace around my neck was suppose to ward off gay boys. It seems it ain't working no more.


And what kind of necklace would that be?

Jul 3, 2017 8:12 AM

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Nov 2008
27806
That makes Florida look tame in comparison and yes, the employees should be able to take scraps and any other unused and unpackaged offal home, I want more slaughterhouses to not waste parts of an animal if they can be eaten or used in other ways.


Jul 3, 2017 8:29 AM

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Apr 2017
4253
Gotta keep an eye or 12 on your colon you know?
イカロス --I K A R O S D E S U-- "Hai master" <3cruise

Becoming the bell of my heart
dont click here, baka -->> https://soundcloud.com/franciscan-guitar
Jul 3, 2017 8:52 AM

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Sep 2016
1237
I can't help but being sorry for him, the guy is not only going to (Probably) be fired, but he's going to be known for the rest of his life and after as "the retard that wanted to feed his family a bunch of eyeballs he had stucked in his ass"
One man is no more than another, if he do no more than what another does.

Jul 3, 2017 12:41 PM

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Aug 2016
1600
"I could ask the manager politely if I could take some of the scraps home for food, but it's obviously a smarter move just to shove stuff into my asshole."
People who put MAL stats in their sigs are losers lol
Jul 3, 2017 1:03 PM

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Jan 2015
362
what the actual fuck. i've got nothing else to say to this
Jul 3, 2017 1:10 PM

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Mar 2008
53429
This is so fucking weird and gross but how they thought it was a murder case at first makes it funny.Either this guy was doing it for a strange sexual thrill or he is an idiot. Like all you have to do is volunteer to dump the scraps then take it home instead.
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Jul 3, 2017 1:28 PM

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Apr 2015
6731
This story almost made me a vegan.
"No, son, you may not have your body pillow at the dinner table!"
Jul 3, 2017 3:18 PM

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Mar 2012
2494

But seriously why tho? Why hide it up your ass, just put them in a bag and stuff it in your pants or better yet just fucking ask.
Jul 3, 2017 5:54 PM
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Feb 2016
1494
yummy yummy yummy i got pig eyes in my tummy even though they just came out of my dad's ass

"hey son eat ur pig eyes"
"no dad i dont want to"
"i worked hard to put those pig eyes on my table! I went to work, put them in my ass, carried them in my ass in the car all the way home, removed them and put them on your plate, so you better believe that you're going to eat them!"

do you work in a slaughterhouse, with a family of 8 kids, and absolutely no money?
do you want to be able to transport scraps of food to your family, but the necessary pockets or paper bags with which to do so?
introducing: YOUR ASS
your ass is a quick and easy way to transport nutritious scraps of food back to your eight children
all you have to do is follow this quick and easy three step process:
1. go to a bathroom with two pig eyes to avoid suspicion
2. stuff them up your ass
3. rinse and repeat ten more times
IT'S SIMPLE
your ass can be used to carry a wide variety of scraps, such as pig eyeballs, pig bladders, pig noses (idk)
all of these scraps are nutritious with protein to stop your 8 children from suffering from protein-deficiency disease and grow up to be big and strong
it may not be nice, or hygienic... *achem*
YOUR ASS! order while stocks last
disclaimer: you may be arrested by the police on suspicion of murder

"hey honey i'm home"
"oh welcome back darling did you get us some food for dinner?"
"yes honey just a sec i need to go to the bathroom...
AAHHHH"
"darling are you ok"
"yes honey i'm fine... OOH... AAH"
"are you sure?"
"total- AHH GOD FUCK -ly
ok honey here you go. some lovely pig eyeballs"
"again?"

nah but seriously this guy must be poor as fuck i feel really sorry for him :(

EDIT: WAIT NO FAKE NEWS IT'S GOTTA BE FAKE THERE'S NO WAY IS THIS REAL

EDIT 2: actually the website seems to be reputable. this looks to be the local slaughterhouse: http://www.meatchop.ca/ the story seems too good to be true but maybe we really do live in such a weird and wonderful world. it's fun to believe anyhow :)
defunct0001Jul 3, 2017 6:13 PM
Jul 3, 2017 9:28 PM

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Jan 2014
17169
No wonder Trudeau didn't mention Alberta in his Canada Day speech.
"Let Justice Be Done!"

My Theme
Fight again, fight again for justice!
Jul 4, 2017 2:54 AM

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Feb 2010
34618
I mean yeah, being wasteful sucks and I agree with his desire to use the scraps. But why the anus? Is security really that high in a slaughterhouse that he couldn't find of a less gross way to smuggle them out?
I probably regret this post by now.
Jul 4, 2017 2:57 AM
lagom
Online
Jan 2009
107681
this shit is hilarious and lol pig eye balls as food
Jul 4, 2017 3:52 AM

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Oct 2015
283
Technoforever84 said:
I imagine it must be pretty painful to have 20 eyeballs in his rectum. This could cause some rectal damages too. There are much more pleasant and easier ways to hide things.

You'd be surprised what people enjoy sticking up their butts, pig eyeballs seem pretty harmless in comparison. I mean, they're round and slimy already!

He just may have used the food story as an excuse for not having to explain while it give him kicks having offals in his rectum.
Jul 4, 2017 4:21 AM

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Mar 2017
275
DELETE THIS NEPHEW....PAUSE...I ACTIVATE EVERY TRAP CARD TO NEGATE THIS FUCKERY....
Jul 8, 2017 3:44 AM

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Jan 2017
4253
That's totally weird. Who would do that?
Jul 8, 2017 11:13 PM

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Aug 2007
7550
I bet his family murdered him after learning where the eyeballs were.
Jul 9, 2017 12:20 AM

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Jul 2016
1353
Omg i live close to that town.
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