| I had a scary thought this morning, because it challenges what I was led to believe. I have a close female friend that I don't care if she ever offers sex. On the other hand, I have a girlfriend that as I get closer to, I start pining for it more and more. It's not as if the relationship hinges on it: I enjoy just spending time hanging out with her and talking. But this development, I think, challenges the conventional wisdom that if your feelings for a girl are true, then sex isn't a factor. Whereas, for me, sex isn't a factor for the friend who I don't have feelings for, and I would just care so much more about it with the girl that I do have feelings for. So now I'm confused: Is it just lust? Is it disrespectful? So the question is the one in the poll. What does it mean when you're "in it for the sex"? Does your desire for sex define how much you respect a woman? (i.e. Does it mean you respect a woman more or less if you don't have sexual thoughts about her, or does it not matter?) Is sex absolutely necessary in a romantic relationship? (This one I don't think is true, but it might be more prominent in natural progression than I thought. What I mean is a person could deliberately avoid it through various conceptions, but it would be like walking around quicksand. You could do it if that's what you wanted, but it takes effort. Intellectually, that's what I told myself, but it takes effort to put aside the biological instincts... I can't help it...) |
| Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house. You wouldn't buy a house because you like the bathroom, but you wouldn't buy it if it didn't have one either. Sex is important. Period. |
MidnightLPA said: Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house. You wouldn't buy a house because you like the bathroom, but you wouldn't buy it if it didn't have one either. Sex is important. Period. This + unless you're both asexual. Then you can poop in the streets. |
[i]"Yet each man kills the thing he loves, [/i]By each let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword!'' ~Oscar |
MidnightLPA said: Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house. You wouldn't buy a house because you like the bathroom, but you wouldn't buy it if it didn't have one either. Sex is important. Period. Sex isn't "Important," it's simply the equivalent of ice cream. It tastes good, but you could certainly live without it. |
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Working_Designs said: MidnightLPA said: Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house. You wouldn't buy a house because you like the bathroom, but you wouldn't buy it if it didn't have one either. Sex is important. Period. Sex isn't "Important," it's simply the equivalent of ice cream. It tastes good, but you could certainly live without it. If you're saying you can 'absolutely' live without it - then that my friend, makes the relationship a 'platonic' one. Not romantic. |
[i]"Yet each man kills the thing he loves, [/i]By each let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword!'' ~Oscar |
2-methylgeniol said: Working_Designs said: Sex isn't "Important," it's simply the equivalent of ice cream. It tastes good, but you could certainly live without it. If you're saying you can 'absolutely' live without it - then that my friend, makes the relationship a 'platonic' one. Not romantic. You can be romantic without sex. Sex has NOTHING to do with love or romance. |
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Working_Designs said: True, you can be romantic without sex. And sex in itself is separate conceptually from love and romance. But I have come to believe that romance naturally progresses toward sex. This is like saying a boat has nothing to do with water. Water isn't necessary to owning a boat (aside from washing it). I could (and am) content with having a boat and just lounging around it, or whatever. But does wanting to set sail with it mean that I'm in it for the adventure and not the boat? Does it mean I'm only using the boat to get from point A to point B, or to feel the thrill of the ride without caring about the boat in itself?2-methylgeniol said: If you're saying you can 'absolutely' live without it - then that my friend, makes the relationship a 'platonic' one. Not romantic. You can be romantic without sex. Sex has NOTHING to do with love or romance. Okay, probably not the best analogy. Sex isn't the 'purpose' of a woman like a boat's manufactured purpose is to sail, but that's not my point. |
| Sex and love are different things, but most people find that the two enrich each other. If you love someone then you will, almost always, want to have sex with them... and that makes the sex more fun, which in turn brings you closer to your partner and makes the love more 'fun'. Love without sex can still be fun and sex without love can still be fun, but both is best. 'romance naturally progresses towards sex' may be true a lot of the time, but it's like saying 'romance naturally progresses towards buying gifts for one another'... it's not like buying gifts == romance, or sex == romance, they're just related in some people's minds Besides, you've probably noticed that if people have been together for a while, they're not having sex as much, because it's not so new and exciting... but love can be holding them together much more than it did back when they were at each other like rabbits. 'bunny love' |
 ~ join the MAL suicide pact! ~ ~ ★☭★ ~ ~ embrace nuclear annihilation! ~ |
Involtus said: Maybe I'll just stick it out then ;)Besides, you've probably noticed that if people have been together for a while, they're not having sex as much, because it's not so new and exciting... but love can be holding them together much more than it did back when they were at each other like rabbits. |
IWubYou said: I had a scary thought this morning, because it challenges what I was led to believe. I have a close female friend that I don't care if she ever offers sex. On the other hand, I have a girlfriend that as I get closer to, I start pining for it more and more. It's not as if the relationship hinges on it: I enjoy just spending time hanging out with her and talking. But this development, I think, challenges the conventional wisdom that if your feelings for a girl are true, then sex isn't a factor. Whereas, for me, sex isn't a factor for the friend who I don't have feelings for, and I would just care so much more about it with the girl that I do have feelings for. So now I'm confused: Is it just lust? Is it disrespectful? I think that line of thinking has both faults and truth. If you truly love someone you put them above yourself, so in that sense sex shouldn't be a factor. However it's an instinctual impulse that's hard to manage if you don't have experience doing so. The fact that you're contemplating on this shows your feelings are more true than you might think. If it was just about the sex you wouldn't really doubt yourself or how you're treating your partner. That said, sex shouldn't be the major factor of a relationship, sure it's great and strengthens the bond between you but you should enjoy other things with her as well, which you seem to. IWubYou said: So the question is the one in the poll. What does it mean when you're "in it for the sex"? The statement is pretty self explanatory, you're in it for the sex, nothing else. The sex is the only reason you're giving your time and effort into a relationship or at the very least is the major factor of being in it. IWubYou said: Does your desire for sex define how much you respect a woman? (i.e. Does it mean you respect a woman more or less if you don't have sexual thoughts about her, or does it not matter?) There are many variables to consider with this question. First, what is your goal with sex with your partner, are you mainly selfish and only tend to your own needs or do you think of hers first and see it as a combined effort. Second with these sexual thoughts do you tend to objectify said woman? Do you imagine her as just a spectator to your own sexual pleasure or does she play a more important role, possibly dominating and with a will of her own. Depending on how you answer to these questions it should be evident whether you respect a woman or not based on sexual desire, if she's simply a part needed for your own pleasure then I'd say you lack respect for her but if she's your equal or higher than you respect her. A stereotype of sexual fantasies is it's sinful and disrespectful but it's not that simple. IWubYou said: Is sex absolutely necessary in a romantic relationship? (This one I don't think is true, but it might be more prominent in natural progression than I thought. What I mean is a person could deliberately avoid it through various conceptions, but it would be like walking around quicksand. You could do it if that's what you wanted, but it takes effort. Intellectually, that's what I told myself, but it takes effort to put aside the biological instincts... I can't help it...) I say no, but it is a major part to any relationship. To be able to not feel embarrassed or afraid of your naked body with a partner takes trust and understanding. Which if you don't have can be a detriment to a relationship, but there are other ways to obtain it other than sex. That said there's the undeniable fact that nothing measures up to sex in the sense that nothing else is quite like it. It's a unique and irreplaceable aspect of any relationship but shouldn't be the foundation. |
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| It's normal to want that in a relationship. You need both to have a great relationship (unless you're asexual ayyy). Once you get past that boundary (and do it with her), I think you'll start thinking less of it and have a balance of "impure" and "pure" thoughts like before. |
Astros said: I'm not going to haphazardly push my agenda. I do want her to feel like it's a part of her decision. On the other hand, I don't see how sexual thoughts can not 'objectify' someone. What does objectify even mean, for that matter? Sure, it's not just smash and dash. Some people, like me, get pleasure in knowing that my partner is also enjoying herself. But at the same time it's impossible to divorce these feelings from my own ego. I don't think it's just putting myself ahead versus putting her ahead. It's complicated, and I can't explain myself well.There are many variables to consider with this question. First, what is your goal with sex with your partner, are you mainly selfish and only tend to your own needs or do you think of hers first and see it as a combined effort. Second with these sexual thoughts do you tend to objectify said woman? Do you imagine her as just a spectator to your own sexual pleasure or does she play a more important role, possibly dominating and with a will of her own. Depending on how you answer to these questions it should be evident whether you respect a woman or not based on sexual desire, if she's simply a part needed for your own pleasure then I'd say you lack respect for her but if she's your equal or higher than you respect her. A stereotype of sexual fantasies is it's sinful and disrespectful but it's not that simple. |
| Sex is important in marriage but not dating. |
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_Charl said: Of course it isn't. Graphics aren't games. A calculator isn't math. School isn't knowledge. Speakers aren't music. A sentence isn't a meaningful idea. What's your point?sex isn't love |
Hoppy said: Can you elaborate? What does marriage have to do with sex? (unless procreation is the express purpose of marriage?)Sex is important in marriage but not dating. |
| Sexual relationships often follow from romantic relationships, so it isn't unusual to want sex. That said I don't think it is necessary to introduce it if either of you don't feel it is appropriate. Edit: Also objectification is such a buzzword now that it doesn't have any meaning. General rule is don't be a dick. |
| I don't have a signature. |
MidnightLPA said: Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house. You wouldn't buy a house because you like the bathroom, but you wouldn't buy it if it didn't have one either. Sex is important. Period. Imma use this, thx. |
IWubYou said: I'm not going to haphazardly push my agenda. I do want her to feel like it's a part of her decision. On the other hand, I don't see how sexual thoughts can not 'objectify' someone. What does objectify even mean, for that matter? Sure, it's not just smash and dash. Some people, like me, get pleasure in knowing that my partner is also enjoying herself. But at the same time it's impossible to divorce these feelings from my own ego. I don't think it's just putting myself ahead versus putting her ahead. It's complicated, and I can't explain myself well. verb express (something abstract) in a concrete form. "good poetry objectifies feeling" degrade to the status of a mere object. "a deeply sexist attitude that objectifies women" While I agree fantasies can't really not objectify someone or escape the ego there are varying degrees. I don't know what goes on in your mind so it's hard to think of an example to express what I mean, the best I can give is do you imagine her simply as a body or more of a person. In your fantasies do you imagine her face, her voice, her reactions or simply a body to derive pleasure from? I feel even that is an inadequate example as it depends on your favorite parts of sex and the moments with your partner. Basically, I believe there to be varying degrees of objectification, while your mind could never replicate an image or likeness to your actual partner it shouldn't be on the level of just an object if that makes any sense. I've never experienced sex or had a long term relationship so I can't think of examples to convey my meaning better :/. |
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IWubYou said: Hoppy said: Can you elaborate? What does marriage have to do with sex? (unless procreation is the express purpose of marriage?)Sex is important in marriage but not dating. Having a spouse that is a good or at a compatible sex partner increase happiness, fidelity, and lifespan of both you and your partner. Many instances of cheating in marriage are caused by being unsatisfied in the bed. |
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| I'd just like to point out that being asexual does not equate to having no sex drive. Someone could be asexual but still want/enjoy sex. Instead of "sex is important unless you are asexual," it should probably be "sex is important unless you have no sex drive." |
Hoppy said: and lifespan of both you and your partner. Ummm I don't even have to look to know that "increasing your lifespan with sex" probably isn't proven. |
DrCoppelius said: Yes, but I think the way people have been using the word "asexual" in this thread is misleading people to believe there is only one kind of asexual - the sex-averse kind. Hence my post. :(Caeca said: I'd just like to point out that being asexual does not equate to having no sex drive. Someone could be asexual but still want/enjoy sex. Instead of "sex is important unless you are asexual," it should probably be "sex is important unless you have no sex drive." Well, there are two kinds of asexuals. Sex-averse and non sex-averse. For some, they do have a sex drive, but the idea of fulfilling it with others is repulsive. Masturbation is preferred. |
| You're going to have a hard time keeping hold of your lover if you don't have sex. Within 6 months guaranteed they're going to go and have sex with someone else because sex is a needed component of been an adult, its in our nature to want to mate. sure they may very well be indulged romantically and in love with you but that doesn't mean sexually their lust is going to go elsewhere. Its why people can still be in love with someone and cheat on them just for the sex. Sex =/= love and usually you need both for a sucsefful relationship. |
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MidnightLPA said: Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house. You wouldn't buy a house because you like the bathroom, but you wouldn't buy it if it didn't have one either. Sex is important. Period. That's the smartest thing i've ever read on MAL. :) Love your analogy. |
| I don't think you need to have sex with someone to have a good romantic relationship with them, as long as it is what you both want. I think sometimes people feel forced to introduce sex into their relationship when they don't want to simply because society teaches us that it's something that's bound to happen eventualy. |
"Rivers divided will once again meet in the ocean" ________________________________________________ |
IWubYou said: I had a scary thought this morning, because it challenges what I was led to believe. I have a close female friend that I don't care if she ever offers sex. On the other hand, I have a girlfriend that as I get closer to, I start pining for it more and more. It's not as if the relationship hinges on it: I enjoy just spending time hanging out with her and talking. But this development, I think, challenges the conventional wisdom that if your feelings for a girl are true, then sex isn't a factor. Whereas, for me, sex isn't a factor for the friend who I don't have feelings for, and I would just care so much more about it with the girl that I do have feelings for. So now I'm confused: Is it just lust? Is it disrespectful? So the question is the one in the poll. What does it mean when you're "in it for the sex"? Does your desire for sex define how much you respect a woman? (i.e. Does it mean you respect a woman more or less if you don't have sexual thoughts about her, or does it not matter?) Is sex absolutely necessary in a romantic relationship? (This one I don't think is true, but it might be more prominent in natural progression than I thought. What I mean is a person could deliberately avoid it through various conceptions, but it would be like walking around quicksand. You could do it if that's what you wanted, but it takes effort. Intellectually, that's what I told myself, but it takes effort to put aside the biological instincts... I can't help it...) Stop hearing twisted feminist rhetoric dude. They are poisoning you brain. Of course you want have sex with a girl you like. It's perfectly natural. It will have been strange otherwise. You would have a problem if you didn't want to have sex with her. What you call romantic relationship is also sexual attraction. And sexual attraction has the word sex in it for a very good reason. bluediberry said: I don't think you need to have sex with someone to have a good romantic relationship with them, as long as it is what you both want. I think sometimes people feel forced to introduce sex into their relationship when they don't want to simply because society teaches us that it's something that's bound to happen eventualy. Sorry but you do. Sorry to break it to you but if you are just hanging out then you are friends not in a relationship. A relationship requires a sexual relationship. The only thing you have to understand is that unlike the media show, you shouldn't make so big deal about doing sex like is this sacred holy ceremony that must get right. Just fucking do it. Stop imagining it or having expectations. Just fuck! |
MonadJul 5, 2015 4:26 PM
| Sex is when you get to "know" your wife, in the biblical sense. |
| "Let Justice Be Done!" My Theme Fight again, fight again for justice! |
| Sex brings you closer to the other person. Literally. So yeah. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) |
"Be the change you wish to see in the world." ⛩️  |
| The more you like someone the more you will desire them however if you would break up with someone for not sleeping with you then its more about sex, but if you just want it that does not mean you like a freind more than a girlfriend/boyfreind or whatever. |
| When I was a teenager, I thought sex wasn't important and that you should only do it with the one you're going to be with forever, yadda yadda. Now being in my early 20's and having grown up a bit, it would not be possible for me to love someone without sex. If they did the whole "I only have sex X amount of weeks/months into a relationship", there would be major issues. Physical intimacy is just as important as emotional intimacy. Anyway, I never understood why people put sex on a pedestal. It's simply a way to have fun with someone you like. Big deal. I wouldn't even mind a bit of group sex since sexual jealousy makes no sense to me. Western society is weird. |
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| I only do sex when i find someone with elite genes that i can make elite babys with it has nothing to do with love. |
| Nah. Sex is different to making love so thats my view. |
| The world shall know the truth soon. |
| If you think wanting to have sex with someone you're attracted to is "disrespectful", you must really hate yourself. Get yourself out of the nunnery, and realize that sex isn't a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. It's a legitimate desire that is literally the basis of our species. |
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| Thanks for the thoughtful posts everyone. Keep them coming. I just want to say that I don't think that I've been brainwashed by feminists or anything. This isn't a nunnery, and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I just want to hear what everyone else thinks being in it for the sex really means. Someone said that if you break up with a partner due to sex, you would be objectifying the person. Not that this is an issue for me in the foreseeable future, but let's say you've been exclusive with a girl for 10 years (to give a hyperbole), and she's still not ready to have sex, then are you really objectifying her at that point? I just think that it's a more complicated problem than many idealists make it out to be. I mean sure, you can theoretically have a sexless romantic relationship because love isn't sex--I agree. And I certainly don't intend on forcing the issue if she isn't ready. I'm totally okay without it. But still, it isn't that easy. Maybe it's that objectification isn't a binary proposition, like either you're a complete douchebag or a pure love angel. Maybe, for most people, both occurs. |
IWubYou said: I'd agree with this, it's a complicated matter. Say a man objectifies his partner during sex and only thinks of himself, yet outside of the bedroom does everything he can to make said partner happy even if he suffers. Then is said man only in it for the sex or does he truly love his partner and is just a slave to desire. This if of course only an example and a outer observational one, on the inside it's hard to know what's going on in the man's head unless you use your own experiences to infer the possibilities.Maybe it's that objectification isn't a binary proposition, like either you're a complete douchebag or a pure love angel. Maybe, for most people, both occurs. |
AstrosJul 5, 2015 10:22 PM
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| you are overthinking it to the point you gonna be afraid of sex, just grab your dick and double click for more porn |
j0x said: I'm not afraid of it. Don't you think it's worthwhile to express your feelings? That's how progress happens.you are overthinking it to the point you gonna be afraid of sex, just grab your dick and double click for more porn |
IWubYou said: j0x said: I'm not afraid of it. Don't you think it's worthwhile to express your feelings? That's how progress happens.you are overthinking it to the point you gonna be afraid of sex, just grab your dick and double click for more porn yes but like on the other thread have concluded is that sexual desires are hard to reason with and its more or less irrational/illogical most of the times so just embrace it like fap by yourself or have sex with someone you consent with the way i understand your first post is that you are looking for reasons to lessen sex in your relationship with your question of is sex important to a relationship, i say talk to your sexual partner/s about it, tell your sexual feelings to her/them |
j0x said: I think this thread is about the role of sex in a relationship, whether it lessens or enhances, or whether certain attitudes about it are healthy or unhealthy. I know that human desires are hard to reason but that didn't stop thousands of years of authors from trying to express the condition of humanity. Understanding aspects about ourselves and each other is rewarding especially when it's difficult. It's shining a flashlight into the darkness.IWubYou said: yes but like on the other thread have concluded is that sexual desires are hard to reason with and its more or less irrational/illogical most of the times so just embrace it like fap by yourself or have sex with someone you consent with I'm not afraid of it. Don't you think it's worthwhile to express your feelings? That's how progress happens. the way i understand your first post is that you are looking for reasons to lessen sex in your relationship with your question of is sex important to a relationship, i say talk to your sexual partner/s about it, tell your sexual feelings to her/them |
IWubYou said: j0x said: I think this thread is about the role of sex in a relationship, whether it lessens or enhances, or whether certain attitudes about it are healthy or unhealthy. I know that human desires are hard to reason but that didn't stop thousands of years of authors from trying to express the condition of humanity. Understanding aspects about ourselves and each other is rewarding especially when it's difficult. It's shining a flashlight into the darkness.yes but like on the other thread have concluded is that sexual desires are hard to reason with and its more or less irrational/illogical most of the times so just embrace it like fap by yourself or have sex with someone you consent with the way i understand your first post is that you are looking for reasons to lessen sex in your relationship with your question of is sex important to a relationship, i say talk to your sexual partner/s about it, tell your sexual feelings to her/them true, i agree with all of that, im not really that serious about that first post of mine anyway especially that i said that the internet is for porn stuff |
| It's normal to want to have sex with the one you love. It would be strange if you wouldn't want to. |
| The writer who penned Clashing Feelings. You can buy the light novel on Amazon. |
MidnightLPA said: Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house. You wouldn't buy a house because you like the bathroom, but you wouldn't buy it if it didn't have one either. Sex is important. Period. |
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