Report soaru's Profile


Anime Stats
Days: 212.3
Mean Score: 9.59
  • Total Entries1,737
  • Rewatched31
  • Episodes142,568
Anime History Last Anime Updates
Boku no Hero Academia 4th Season
Boku no Hero Academia 4th Season
Jan 10, 11:47 PM
Watching 12/25 · Scored -
Kimi to, Nami ni Noretara
Kimi to, Nami ni Noretara
Jan 10, 11:43 PM
Completed 1/1 · Scored -
Black Clover
Black Clover
Jan 10, 11:42 PM
Watching 116/? · Scored -
Manga Stats
Days: 1,208.3
Mean Score: 9.97
  • Total Entries2,459
  • Reread522
  • Chapters20,909
  • Volumes2,700
Manga History Last Manga Updates
Ousama no Koiasobi
Ousama no Koiasobi
May 26, 2019 1:31 AM
Completed 11/11 · Scored -
Yakusoku no Neverland
Yakusoku no Neverland
May 24, 2019 1:21 AM
Reading 134/181 · Scored -
Pendulum: Juujin Omegaverse
Pendulum: Juujin Omegaverse
Oct 11, 2018 1:06 PM
Completed 5/5 · Scored -


All Comments (100) Comments

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Taiyaki Oct 11, 2019 10:51 AM
hes busy turning people into demons D:
Shino Oct 11, 2019 12:23 AM
Helloooooo soarurururururu!!
I AM HAPPY TO SEE THAT YOU FINALLY REOPENED YOUR COMMENTS AS WELL WOOOOO (つ✧ω✧)つ And yeah I am finally back as promised this time, phew. Though MAL seems to be rather ded nowadays rip

So does that mean you were just login in because you wanted to talk about your dissatisfaction regarding Nanatsu no Taizai? ....Here I thought you are finally coming back to MAL and being active again ( ; ω ; )
NaineLIEz Oct 21, 2018 1:36 AM

I was about to send you one 👀 no I totally didn't forget
skyskyfer Oct 21, 2018 1:29 AM

reee :3
congrats for finding my profile o/
moeanao Oct 19, 2018 1:10 AM
Thank you for the compliment! Haha well, the more you do it the better you get ~
SweetKiichigo Oct 18, 2018 5:59 PM
YaoiMaster Oct 18, 2018 5:11 AM
Sorry my message is in two parts, apparently there is a character limit for comments, and I exceeded it.
YaoiMaster Oct 18, 2018 5:11 AM
Ah, I’m not sure how long ago I created the addition of “Romanticist” to my profile. But yes, it has been there for months. I am a very romantic person, indeed. I enjoy romantic flights of fantasy, romantic dinners, loving gifts, romantic vacations, love poems, extravagant professions of love, and things of this sort. Like Romeo from Romeo and Juliet, who is always dreamy and very lovestruck. When it comes to love, it is the same for me. I become very dreamy and idealistic. In general, I am a realist, but mention love and I will go into my idealist and romantic state. Balance is something very important to me. I agree, and they seem so oblivious to pain, like they are always feeling bliss. It is such a sight to see. Really? Now that you mention it, that’s true. They are unable to lie because it is not a skill they’ve needed much, and overall they have not picked it up. I think people often start lying when they are a teenager. But children are so innocent and pure, and they are not tainted by such urges. It is really just pleasant. It’s interesting they’d ask about your skin, I would think they are not mature enough to perceive there is something in disarray. But due to evolution, we naturally are compelled to wonder about things which remind us of sickness or death, so I suppose it makes sense that they would ask. Haha, it’s cute they worry. Yes, they are like little sources of light, always shining and spreading happiness. They are actually genuine and caring. Yes, they actually have confidence and they are not self loathing as adults are. It is so easy to cheer them up, and they want things like ice cream to occupy themselves with, instead of drugs and the like. Yes, it does not take much for them to focus on something else, because they have a short attention span. Sometimes that is convenient, and other times not. But it is not as if they get transfixed on one thought for a long time. They’re like fish, in this regard. Yes, I like that, and all you have to do is give them what they want and satisfy their curiosity. They are not very high maintenance, nor do they want luxury or very expensive items. What kind of things do you teach them? It always feels pleasant to give someone information. Yes, they are like unbreakable gems. I see, autistic children are interesting to talk to. Though, I think some are just obnoxious, but that is a given, because they are very different than one another, and it all depends on what kind of information they can process. That’s true, but you also have to teach them separately, I would imagine, and it would be difficult to take care of them. I wonder if parents of an autistic child would pay extra to have someone teach them. Yes, I have no plans of working with children, and I do not quite understand them. Adults make much more sense--for instance, their mental state could be linked to their past. But children hardly have a past, if any recollection of one at all (the first memory often begins when you are three). No, I have absolutely no worries about my disorder interfering with my career. I help people just fine, and I am competent with it. In the future, I will be much more stable, thus the episodes I experience frequently now will be few and far between. My only concern is the fact that the older you become, the more impaired the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia become (speech, memory, indifference/emotional bluntness, lack of interest/motivation, and more). While I would have less delusions (though I rarely have them on my medicine) and hallucinations, these other symptoms could become debilitating. Imagine trying to help someone and you cannot even think properly or form coherent sentences. That seems kind of scary. But I think it also has to do with whether you stimulate yourself in the future or not. If you are more lax, naturally these symptoms will worsen. But assuming I will always desire knowledge and do research on things, I doubt my brain would deteriorate in this manner. If you spend your time watching TV, of course you can expect such symptoms to become overwhelming. You aren’t learning anything. Having an idle brain is unhealthy, just as having an overworked brain is unhealthy. And because the manic part of my disorder is such a contradiction to the Schizophrenia, I doubt those Schizophrenic symptoms could become much worse in the future. How can I be consumed by emotional indifference when I have intense moods? How can I have speech impairments or a lack of interest/motivation when high episodes exist? How can I be apathetic when everything either seems so extremely distressing or enlightening? Schizophrenia causes indifference, and bipolar disorder causes extreme moods. And I have both. So then, what do you say? “I feel things intensely,” or “I feel nothing”? Because both describe me. I feel things too intensely, but I also can feel nothing at all. When the symptoms of your disorder contradict each other, there is bound to be balance. I had cognitive impairments last year. I had trouble speaking. It’d take me a minute to process what someone was saying. I felt nothing at all. And other times, I was overwhelmed by how I felt. When I got on medicine, the speech problems disappeared, I was more attached to reality, and it no longer took so long to comprehend speech itself. Though I now have medicine for moods (I got it from the hospital two weeks ago), it does not help me. I take 300 mg and I hardly notice any difference in how I feel, which is a shame. And hm, it is not as if I am emotionally involved with people I talk to and try to help. Psychologists are often saddened by those who see them, and sensitive to their problems. As for me, I see everything in a logical manner: it is my job to help you, nothing more. But many people with mental disorders become a psychologist. I read a memoir by a bipolar woman who is a psychiatrist. Doesn’t it mean she understands her bipolar patients better, from her own personal experience? And that she knows what to look for, and how to treat it? There is more of a connection, when you’ve experienced something yourself. I doubt that. Unless I have severe and prominent impairments, they have no right to prevent me from being a psychologist, especially if I get a degree in it. As I said, that bipolar woman is a psychiatrist, and do you think people told her she was not allowed to be one? Of course not. That is discriminatory, and she was a very intelligent woman, it was not as if they could just turn her down. Why, I’m sure I would make for a great psychologist. I plan to write novels on disorders, and possibly write a memoir, myself. Well, society already looks down on me for being a pedophile--why should I care if they perceive me in a crude way for also becoming a psychologist? I no longer want to go to jail, but I genuinely did, for months. I saw little in my future, other than becoming a psychologist, growing bored of it, and curling up in a ball to die of starvation in my room. Thus, I wanted to commit a crime and be jailed, instead. At least then I would have the satisfaction of getting what I want. I always saw myself being alone in the future, but now that I have Judas, I have a future to look forward to, so there is no jail in the picture. What crime do I have in mind for the future? Well, I cannot mention it, for certain reasons. There is no reason as to why I am drawn to it in the first place. Unless I have a reason for something, I do not like to bring it up. It’s sort of like, why ask a question unless you know the answer? No worries, I have no plans of hurting children anymore. I’m not considering jail, because I have the chance of being happy someday, and why would I just throw that away? Yes, I plan to publish my story as a novel years from now. Hm, have you ever tried writing? It took me years to get to where I am; good writing does not come immediately. However, I’ve always been told I have a talent for it, and I think it is best to make use of one’s talent(s). Did you ever take a class for graphic design? I’ve debated using a pen name, but I would rather use my real name. It is just more convenient.
YaoiMaster Oct 18, 2018 4:35 AM
Oh, if you've replied to this and you want me to open my comments, just tag me on forums.

I used to be very active in clubs, but I gradually lost interest. Moreover, a certain user I had an argument with in comments (he was very obstinate, and it was as if he was listening to himself speak, rather than the idea I expressed) was very active in the clubs I frequented, which made me somewhat uneasy. He would post after me in forums and make obnoxious remarks. Yes, I suppose it is appealing when you consider the fact that the individuals on forums all have an interest in common; however, I lost interest in anime late 2016, thus I cannot relate to them in that regard. The only interest I am able to start a conversation with is writing, but I must admit such discussions bore me, and I would rather learn about the other person’s problems. I enjoy raving about my writing, but learning about the writing of others is not something I am fond of. They write about things I have no interest in. I’ve made so many posts in my club about my story that there is little to say about it anymore, haha. Users on here tend to be close minded, impolite, disrespectful, and misunderstanding, unfortunately. There are anime fans where I live, but as I have no interest in it anymore, I do not associate with them. And hell, they are only interested in the popular series, which never struck me as intriguing. I am glad you understand that even if you display respect to others, you will not receive the same in return. It is wise to want the same, but not to expect it. I am a respectful and peaceful individual, myself, but I get people harassing me left and right. No matter how you present yourself, there will always be envious and pitiful people ploying against you. Of course, this does not give reason to be rude without reason, but instead to accept the fact that others will do so. We are able to control our own actions, but not those of others, and this is important to consider. You are the one who knows what kind of person you are, and the things you have or have not done. You are a stranger to those who suggest you’ve done something you have not, or that you are the type of person you are not. All that matters is that you know yourself and your intentions. It is as if users are on a quest and competition to project their insecurities and flaws as much as possible, in order to aggravate and upset you. But all they do is project. The person they claim you are is precisely who they, themselves, are. Society is simply like this, and you must play no part in it. People’s impressions of you are formed both by observation and rumors. Unless they speak with you directly and take the time to understand you as a person, their words regarding who you are happen to be dust whisked away by the wind. Insignificant, irrelevant, holding no value. Yes, it is very bothersome when people choose to believe rumors over the individual in statement. Alas, what can be done about such sheep? They will soil the path with their fecal footprints, and others will walk on it and become infected. You must learn who is worthy of your trust and who will backstab you in time. I am careful with who I befriend, because I have had unpleasant experiences with abandonment. And well, I no longer become very close with anyone, because I do not want to be swayed if they happen to leave for some reason. My lover is the only exception, as they will not leave me, assuredly. Yes, you should not believe people’s accusations, or claims they make without any evidence. The funny thing is that people say all sorts of things about me without any evidence whatsoever, and others believe them. Makes you realize how small their brains must be if they believe something without a second thought or questions toward evidence. I like to make my own judgment, as well. Though, if someone has evidence of another’s wrongdoings, by all means, they are welcome to provide it, and I will listen. I prefer to be on good terms with people, myself. Conflict is not something I appreciate or enjoy, by any means. I avoid it like the plague. If I have a problem with a user, I would rather avoid and ignore them than engage with them, unless perhaps there is a chance of a resolution. But I would rather not speak to a brick wall. I would not consider myself kind, but I am helpful, earnest, and respectful, traits which I look for in others. Though, I appreciate it when someone perceives me as kind, even though I do not understand it. Well, their lives are miserable, and they take it out on other people to feel better. All they do is stroke their ego. I think it is cowardice to hide behind a screen and insult someone, and if they were not so mindless, they would confront the person by some other means. They enjoy feeling better at the expense of someone else. I agree it is childish, and overall a waste of time and energy, but these are individuals with too much time on their hands. If they were more productive and preoccupied, they would not do such things. Yes, you are exactly correct. I think their existence is pathetic, and they disgust me. Yes, that is the reason I no longer linger in opinion/impression threads anymore, as they always state something obvious (Likes yaoi, for example) or crude, and I would rather be oblivious to their opinion than have to read such an unpleasant thing. I prefer to shut myself off from repugnant individuals. I recall how I once asked a girl what her MAL username was, and she said she refused to tell me, because she uses MAL for venting. I agree, they should very well be banned. While I used to be somewhat harsh on forums, I no longer give anyone the time of day, for the most part. I think mods can be quite biased, as well. I understand. If I became inactive for some reason, I would appreciate someone messaging me during that time and asking where I went or why, but I would not expect it, as my expectations are rarely met by others. Discord is indeed convenient when it comes to conversations and contacting someone. I see. Well, people can be quite deceiving, especially if they are the type to want something from you. You should not associate with someone who spends their energy on gossiping about you. You definitely deserve better friends than that; ones who are devoted to you and would never consider such a thing. If someone is the type to gossip about others with you, chances are they are the type to gossip about you with others, as well. It is quite a shame, but it works both ways. As they say, unintelligent people discuss others, average people discuss events, and intelligent people discuss concepts/ideas. You can determine quite a bit about someone from their subject of conversation, especially their motive. Of course, at the moment we are discussing the negative traits of others, rather than just talking about a specific individual for the sake of it, which said people enjoy doing. I think people are inherently bad, or neutral, and they must prove themselves to me. If you set the bar at “everyone is kind,” you are preparing to be disappointed, as people will quickly display their true colors to you. While I would not consider myself kind, I am loyal to my friends, or at the very least those I respect. Though, I have a tendency to be cold if I hold a grudge. I understand, the same happens to me. I do nothing wrong, yet people harbor hate for me, because I remind them of some awful person in their life, or whatever the hell excuse they make, despite the fact that I am nothing like such a person. Rather than taking the time to be acquainted with me, they settle for their unjust assumptions. Sometimes I like a user, or I am indifferent toward them, and they lash out at me, though I have done nothing to them personally. And in general, I have not done anything to deserve such a response. I am not a bad person, and my friends can testify this fact. They see me for who I am (excluding the “friends” on my list whom I have not spoken with in many months). All that matters, truly, is that you are respectful and do not harass the person. If they choose to harass you, they are the problem. But you at least have the satisfaction of knowing you have done nothing to provoke them. Ah, I hate people like that, who act polite to you and then talk shit when you are not around. I experienced that with a “friend” around June of 2017. From conversations with him, I knew I made him uneasy, and that he was not too fond of me, but he acted kind regardless. Then one night I found him speaking shit while I was offline, and I confronted him about it. Ever since, I have had no respect for him, even though he still considers me a friend. It is certainly not mutual, especially taking into account the fact that I removed him from my list. If someone respects me, I will respect them in return. If they are not willing to respect me, they should never expect me to. Did they ever give a reason for why they thought you to be awful? People have a tendency to exaggerate, thus I would not be surprised if you did something minor and they treated it as exponentially worse than it was. Though you state you did nothing at all, which makes me wonder why they would say such a thing, lest there were rumors circulating. Well, if someone blocked me without reason, I would of course want to know why. If I had an idea, I would not question it or mind it. I would feel personally wronged if they blocked me out of the blue, and if they decided to unblock me and apologize, I would never forgive them, because it is somewhat degrading, you know? It would be pathetic if they heard a rumor about you and decided to block you after believing what that person said. Everyone has the right to explain themselves and falsify the fallacies of others. Either you truly did nothing wrong and you were blocked over rumors, or you committed something despicable and are not aware of it, yourself. Of course they must provide an explanation. I admit I have blocked people without warning them beforehand, but I always had a good reason (such as someone repeatedly misunderstanding me, to the point of pissing me off, and a friend spamming me). If I block someone on MAL, it is because I feel they will turn on me, or because they are already hostile. My advice for you would be to distance yourself a bit from users you like, otherwise you will become very attached and they will influence and manipulate you easily. Of course, you should not distance yourself so much that it is very noticeable, but rather avoid becoming attached in the first place. It might be difficult for you, but it is necessary to avoid getting hurt. I would suggest to avoid someone who would hurt you in the first place, but if you are not so perceptive of others, this would be implausible to follow through with. Pessimism is an unhealthy spiral that could otherwise be deterred. I cannot say I am very stable, and I fluctuate between unstable and peaceful, delving into the former more often than not. It would be best to be more reluctant toward making friends with someone, or trusting them. Yes, if they find an obvious weak spot, they will attack you without remorse or hesitation. Personally, if I meet someone who lacks self confidence, I would like to help them gain it. Other people will very well use it as a means to break something vulnerable and wavering. That is, if you are the stilts of a house, they will send you a tsunami in order to break your stance and cause you to collapse. Once you expose your weakness, they will target you. I agree, it would have been best to act indifferent toward their negative perception of you. If you show you are bothered, they will continually harass you. It can be difficult to ward off their remarks and not allow them to hurt you, but when you are riled up, they will derive pleasure from your pain and become excited over your anger. Ignoring someone is the wisest thing to do, after confronting them. You should not let others’ perceptions of you impede what could have been a good day. They are nothing but fools who deserve to be ignored. It is also a good idea to be polite toward them, even if they are adamant on hating you, because then their behavior is one sided and immature. Not caring will never be so simple--that is, even if someone tells you “just stop caring about it,” it is not as if those words will have an impact. If you are troubled, you cannot pretend you are not, and ignore your own feelings. Suppression is unhealthy. A detached outlook is advised. “This person will say what they will, and I will be the better person by showing respect.” If you fight back, it is no wonder you would become emotionally invested and flustered. At times it is best to escape the situation and observe it, rather than partake in it. There is no sense in hating yourself over what others declare, especially if they do not understand you or have a personal connection with you. We should value the words of those we respect, rather than those we abhor, or those we are not acquainted with. Unless perhaps the individual you respect has nothing to support their words, in which case it is best to turn to facts. Facts are your most reliable source. I would not say kindness is rare; rather, many feign it, and their kindness is ingenuine. There is a fine distinction between someone who flaunts how “nice” they are, and someone who is truly helpful, considerate, and caring, in a modest manner. From my experience, those who go around boasting about their kindness are the fake ones. Meager acts of kindness are alright, but they do not reflect one’s character. Anyone can do something kind without being an individual who has a good disposition and character. For instance, many celebrities donate to charities, but do you believe they do it out of kindness, or for a a reputation, and in order to be gaudy? Often the latter. They do it precisely because they are famous and have money, not because they care. It is one’s motivation which should be accentuated here. What is their goal? For what reason do they do what they do? Hm, perhaps they saw you as clingy? And I understand. My perceptions of things can change drastically in a certain state, too. I was quite impulsive and reckless in 2016, the driving factor being pleasure. Now, of course, I am very logical and rational, and I am not prone to impulsivity (unless perhaps I am enduring a very intense low episode from my disorder). Experiences alter your perceptions, and how you interact with someone and view them, of course, depends on your perception of them. I believe you were desperate. You wanted to be appreciated, and you mistook others’ small acts of kindness as being reflective of how they truly were. You wanted to find someone who would reciprocate your feelings, and instead you sought connections with people who regarded you lowly and with scorn. You believed such connections to be genuine--I suppose you were merely deluding yourself all along. I am sure they backstabbed you and disappointed you gravely, and perhaps you blamed yourself for ever believing they were kind people. But how was it your fault, if you experienced unpleasant things, and as a result lost the ability to perceive properly? Perception is something so subjective, so personal, and out of your realm of control. Blaming yourself for something you cannot control means forcing yourself into a guilty state, and guilt is extremely destructive for the conscience. In my opinion, and from my experience with it, guilt is the most debilitating feeling, of each you can comprehend. Guilt is the reason I developed voices, for instance. Guilt makes me act hastily. Guilt is the reason I sat in my closet sobbing practically each day in August of 2017. Who deserves to feel such a way? Only those who have truly done something wrong. And you did nothing. Friendship is something I value, as well. I think someone is only genuinely a friend if they are willing to support and defend me. It is sad to say only two friends of mine have recently done so, and that the others do not actively do anything of the sort. It is sad when you consider someone your friend, and they think less of you. I thought one user was my best friend, but he never called me that, and in fact already had a best friend, haha. Do you get along well with females? I see. Hm, but it would not make sense to be possessive of them unless you are obsessed with them in some manner, and it would be odd to be obsessed with someone of your own sex unless you have romantic feelings for them. I was possessive of one male during 2017, but it was in more of a controlling manner than anything else, and I most certainly did not have romantic feelings for him. I wonder if I would even call him an experiment. Alas, it was not reciprocated in the slightest, and eventually I lost interest. Then I became possessive of my lover, before we were together, but this was because I harbored feelings for them and genuinely wanted them to myself. Hm, but why did you think you were deserving of more attention and time than others? It always comes down to the “why.” Did you want to be seen as special? I see, so you did want to be special to them. It is not an issue if you want to be important and favored, but how could you be aware you were less important than others? Did they reply to you very late, without a valid reason? Did they often mention others, or were they occupied with them? It is natural to want attention from those you like talking to and hearing from. In comparison to you, they could have been more detached, and less likely to become very emotionally invested or caring. Imagine you are more prone to emotional investment in the height of a mountain, and they are prone to emotional investment in the height of a tree. You cannot quite expect them to reach your height at the same rate, can you? And such a thing could even be improbable for them. If you are quick to care about someone very much, the individual you care for may never care as much about you as you do them. Or, on the contrary, it could simply take longer for their care to develop. Do you understand? If you jump into a discussion immediately caring deeply for the other, I imagine they would be rather bewildered by your feelings. Of course you would be upset by this, if you were emotionally unstable. What did they lie about, if you do not mind? That they cared for you, or was it something else? Ah, but if you prioritized others over yourself, that would make you selfless, which is not a bad thing. However, you should always reserve time for yourself and emphasize your own health. Of course! You should not neglect yourself for the sake of pleasing others. Balance is the most important thing in life, and many fail to acknowledge this. Without balance, everything will fall apart in time, and your contentedness will dwindle in the process. You should set your priorities straight; only then can you succeed. It is the same for me, I only care for my significant other (though I wonder if I care for myself… hm, to some extent, yes). I believe you should only care for someone who cares in return--someone who loves you. I never state I care for others, as such a thing is not true. I may worry about them and be concerned, but that is because I see myself as responsible for their life and wellbeing. If they died, I would blame myself for not helping them sufficiently. Yes, I understand. Time should influence how much you value someone and respect them, but not how much you care about them. Everything must be mutual. No, I understand. They were able to influence you because you cared about them--naturally this would signify a lack of care for them implies a lack of influence they have over you, which is correct. If you care for someone, what they say influences you. This includes family members, who are able to influence you from an early age. It was the same for me. I thought my friends were conspiring against me, as I lost trust in them. I remain wary of them, but I rarely feel someone is conspiring against me anymore, as I have medicine to alleviate and extinguish thoughts of that nature. And of course you would lose faith and trust in others when they betray your expectations and prove themselves unworthy of your time and care. I hope you will not become so distrusting that your live will revolve around it, and you will even be skeptical of your significant other. No, no, it is a reasonable worry when it seems everyone is going after you and that they have only been deceitful. Worries are triggered by our experiences and the feelings associated. You were already in a fragile state, and others beat you down. It is true that emotions influence your physical state, and vice versa. I also become uneasy and nauseous when upset. It is difficult to focus on work when you are transfixed on unpleasant feelings, and worry will disable any productivity. You cannot occupy yourself when you feel so awful. This is perhaps your brain’s method of telling you that you must resolve how you feel before you can focus again. It is not wired to be productive when you are not at ease, or feel at risk, or that there is a threat to your life/safety. Evolution would hinder this useless. If there is a lion prepared to attack you, why should you continue to focus on cave painting? Instability can lead to hysteria and extreme irrationality. An emotional crisis… yes, if you feel so anxious that you can no longer do work efficiently. I hope the medicine is working for you, though it would not treat the underlying issue. Dealing with situations or emotions is easy for some and very arduous for others. It all depends on what and who you are dealing with, as well as whether you have developed coping skills to begin with. I was recently quite inspired by a social worker with a very positive attitude toward everything, and I wanted to take on his energy and learn from his behavior. Being exposed to an unfamiliar (and positive) type of energy can do wonders for your state. I have recently been very unstable, but it is becoming easier to handle things and pick myself up again, due to what he taught me, and how he behaved as a person. I do not doubt how you felt, and I do understand it, because I have been through a lot of shit, and people have driven me terribly unstable many times. I may seem emotionally composed to others, but at the end of the day, I still have a mood disorder I cannot control. Photoshopped layouts seem quite impressive! I do not think I will ever have time to invest in such a thing, and I prefer to spend my time on other things, such as sending long messages and having you question why I rant so much and whether I gain anything from it. And the answer to that is yes; I mean, I do not do something unless I gain from it in some way. I am very particular about how things should look, and I never understood why people photoshopped their profile until you could not even read what the sentences said because there were colors and images over the words. What is the point in typing a paragraph if I cannot even read it? That’s understandable. I’ve had my computer since 2009, and overall it crashes every couple minutes and is absolute hell to deal with. Writing is my outlet for creativity, rather than drawing or constructing aesthetic things. I think highly of my writing, especially considering it was compared to both the style of Shakespeare and Poe. It feels like an honor. Hm, I wonder if there is some way to fix that color problem. It is good to want to be happy for yourself and your loved one. Peace and happiness are the two supporting factors of any relationship, and it is best to keep yourselves afloat.

Yes, I had a break from MAL, and I spent that time with my lover. It was pleasant to be able to focus on my writing and my lover, without being preoccupied by forums and messages. They distract me from being able to write in the slightest. I like to help people on MAL, but typing so much is detrimental to my wrists and brings me pain, so I unfortunately cannot respond as quickly as I’d like to these days. The time off MAL was certainly not long enough--I suppose I would think differently if I were not with my lover. We had a pleasant time vacationing together and eating out. Of course they are not worth my time, but it is sad I was sent to a mental hospital over people online making me suicidal. I am in a better condition to deal with things now, however, and I never want to go back to such a place again. But if someone chooses to spread fallacies regarding me, that is their own problem, and I am not taking any part in it. But to be fair, you are a rather obscure user; that is, it is not as if you are frequenting the forums all the time and that there are many people who read what you say. Of course, I’ve seen you frequenting clubs, and I’m not sure if you continue to do so, and I know you had a group of friends in the past. I agree it is not worth getting worked up over, especially when they’ve never had a conversation with you or taken the time to understand you as a person. People can say what they please--but the fact remains that if they do not know you, they do not know you. Hm, I give people advice on how to deal with their problems. It is not as if I am able to solve them simply by talking to them. They must accept my advice and comprehend the meaning behind my words. Talking online is not the same as being there in person, and being able to provide them with a hug or facial expressions to show them I mean what I say. I cannot convey my words through a comforting and serious tone of voice. Hell, they do not hear my voice. They do not see me. Thus I can only help to a certain degree, and I can express what I am capable of conveying through words on a screen. I am not going to act as if I can help them the same way someone would if they were sitting in the same room as them. I am competent with helping people, but only if they actually take my advice. There is nothing I can do if they disregard my words. Similarly, if a doctor advises you to ice your hand and you do not do it, do not be surprised if the injury remains. This is the situation. I can tell them what they must do, but it is their own responsibility to do as I say. My advice is effective. I’ve helped many people before, I have years of experience in that respect. It is not as if I am inexperienced and clueless about what I am doing, and I would not dare pursue a field I have no knowledge of. I also find it hypocritical when someone is not able to help themselves, yet they attempt to help others. They have no right, in my opinion. It is my duty to steer someone on the right path, and theirs to make use of it. I agree, there is only so much I can do for someone in an online environment. If they valued my advice, they would use it. There is someone I wish would take my advice (and I have given them all I can give them), but they choose to discard it and revel in their own self pity and distress, which I personally find disgusting. If you truly wanted help, you would take what you can get, particularly if that person knows what they are doing, isn’t that so? Haha, that would be ridiculous. I do not allow someone to become so reliant on me. I always maintain my distance for this reason. I love when someone relies on me, but I am not their eternal crutch and life support, and never will be. Some people indeed cannot do anything without asking someone for permission. My father deals with such people, as he is a psychologist for the mentally retarded. These people are heavily dependent on others, and cannot live by themselves or take care of themselves. I always feel it is my responsibility to help suicidal and depressed people, because I was depressed in the past, myself, and I know how to treat it. Haha, I can relate to that so much. I did much more for my lover than I did for anyone else, because I cared so much for them (and I always will). It is not good to neglect yourself in order to help someone, but what can I say, I happen to do the same. My wrists became swollen because I spent 7 hours in a row typing to a boy in order to help him last year. I dedicated hours and hours to him, because his case interested me, and I deeply wanted him to get better. And well, despite all my time, he has reverted back to his old ways. My desire to help him has never disappeared, but he has not taken my advice, so there is nothing I can do anymore. You should not have to sacrifice your hobbies to help someone--all things in moderation, as they say. I’m sure he was your biggest priority, but hobbies are important to maintain serenity within yourself. This whole situation is strange because I know exactly who you are talking about, heh. I agree, you have to find something worth living for, something to derive happiness and completion from. But sometimes that source of happiness can also bring you pain. Hm, I remember how that guy asked if I’d miss him if he committed suicide. And I said no. After all, he insulted me one time, and I will never forgive him for it--and why should I be bothered if someone who is not my lover dies? My grandfather died and I did not mind. It would be different if I were close friends with the person, I imagine. But that guy and I have never been very close, and I err on thought of calling him a friend. I am sure if you are suicidal, you would like to hear that people would miss you, but I am a genuine and blunt person, of course I will tell him that I would not. I do not like when someone pretends to care about another person. If I don’t care, I don’t care. I do not like the whole “life is difficult, everyone has troubles” mindset. Some have it much worse than others, and saying that to them would be quite insensitive. Some have extreme physical or mental ailments that bring them much suffering, and I think it is only fair to acknowledge their pain, instead of wiping it off like it can be compared to the measly “pain” other people experience. I, myself, suffer quite a lot from my disorder, and in the past I was always suffering over my attraction. I wouldn’t appreciate if someone downplayed my feelings, as I do not exaggerate things. Toward me, he portrayed you as someone obsessive and very controlling, and he despised that. You’ve expressed that you have such tendencies, but not to the point of others hating you for it or being turned off. And then the question comes: Was he making a big deal out of nothing? When people start feeling better, they lose interest in the people around them, because they were only used for support. It is sad, but that male I tried helping last year, for instance… I doubt he would ever contact me unless he is in a depressed state and needs help. I am like a therapist to some, rather than a friend. He became hostile toward you because you were no longer useful for him. It is sad he insulted you behind your back; a part of me has never trusted him. And the fact that others hated you over how he depicted you is also pathetic, considering they did not hear your side of the story. You’re right, he acted like you were a yandere and that he was not even allowed to breathe without you saying so. He said something of the sort to me. The fact that he still cannot move on just shows how adamant he is on ruining your reputation, despite the fact that all you wanted was to help him. But he also mentioned several times that you found him attractive and wanted to be in a relationship with him? I think people tend to project quite a bit, even in relationships, or simply when they are very close. Thus what he claimed to see in you must have been what he saw in himself, am I right? Of course, it is not like this in every situation--sometimes the other person is genuinely at fault, and we are not accentuating a flaw in ourselves by criticizing them. But often, on the contrary, someone gets bashed for a trait the other person has. A trait we refuse to believe we have, ourselves, is a trait we despise in another (even if perhaps the trait is nonexistent in that person, and in reality it is absolute projection--making up the fact that someone has a certain trait in order to compensate for the fact that you have it). I think he did mention that you were trying to help him, but I do not quite recall clearly. It is a shame when someone mistreats you in return for you trying to help them. I hate when I do my best to help someone and they continue to say “Well, I did not get the help I need,” as if disregarding everything I’ve done for them. The fact that they cannot take my advice is nothing like me not helping them. Yes, people will unfortunately believe whatever they hear, especially if it is told from someone they respect. I consider myself a rather unbiased individual, because I support logic and rationality, rather than opinions and perceptions. Many lack the ability to come to their own conclusion and instead leech off someone else’s perception of someone. They are truly sheep. It is like religion, they blindly follow someone else’s beliefs (that is, if your parents are of a certain religion, chances are you will have the same religion, and mindlessly so). I am trying to value my health more these days. I am in a low state, more often than not, but I like to talk to people on here, regardless. I can be in my worst state, but I always want to help someone. I am always in some kind of pain, so I must work through it. I try to take time to myself, but I become anxious if I do not receive new comments, hence why I reply to them so frequently. I’ve been a bit slow these days, as I am trying to focus on myself and feeling better. But I am trying to get back into my ways.

Those who take messages lightly are people I do not want to associate with, because they have no respect for the person they are speaking with. It is one thing to dedicate time to the person and show you respect them by replying in full and with effort, and it is another thing to send them some superficial paragraph shit where you do not even bother to capitalize letters properly. If it takes me as long to reply to a message as it has this time, it only means I am despairing and have little energy to spend. As well, I would have replied much sooner if it were not for my wrists constantly hurting. Haha, you have made many spelling errors in this message, but that is alright. I rarely reread what I write, unless perhaps the message is very long and I want to make my point very clear. I think quickly, so at times I process multiple sentences in my mind and write the wrong word because I am thinking of one that should be used in a different sentence entirely. I see. Yes, English is not your native language--but I’ve forgotten where you are from. It is good to study lists of words and learn more, I think an improved vocabulary helps to convey your thoughts properly without repetition. I’ve forgotten the length of my longest message to someone, but I believe it was around 60,000-80,000 characters? It was sent to Kiri on Discord, though I might have sent a longer message to someone else since then, it is not as if I check the length of each message to see which surpasses them all. I don’t mind that I write essays, because I acknowledge my extreme tendency to rant. I hope those I talk to do not mind it, but I never talk about myself to anyone in real life, so the internet is my outlet. I could talk about myself potentially the whole day, and I like to be asked many questions. I enjoy listening, but I also enjoy responding. I see. But you are doing a good job replying! My vocabulary was shit years ago, and it was not until 2017 that I began taking my writing seriously. But I’ve studied the dictionary and lists of words, I’ve read obscure pieces of writing to take the words from them. One reason it takes so long to write a chapter is because I like to study words and learn them before I start on it. My style of writing is largely influenced by my disorder these days. It is good if speaking to me encourages you to learn new phrases. Unfortunately everyone’s vocabulary has seemingly downgraded as the centuries have passed, and society lacks a general understanding of less used terms. Rather than wishing to expand their vocabulary, they attack those who take the time to learn words and refer to them as pretentious. Well, it is how they choose to spend their time, and I will spend mine learning, on the contrary. I’ve been wondering, do you call him your husband as a joke, or is he your literal husband? I believe many on this site are British, but I do not have any close friends on here who are. That is not to say I do not have “friends” who are, but these people I communicate with perhaps once a year. I never understood the appeal of British accents. What do you mean by using American words? Fries, instead of crisps, and the like? Yes, the meaning is the same. Why is it difficult for you to share with them? I open up very easily, but I do not talk to someone unless I can trust them. I am picky with whom I choose to start a conversation with. I do not mind telling my life story, and in fact I have done it several times already. I am willing to give the intimate details of my life, and information on why I am the way I am. If you ask, I give, as long as you give in return. Everything must be reciprocated, in my eyes. Multitasking caused me to feel anxious when I would compulsively watch anime and reply simultaneously. After over a year of wishing to break out of my compulsion, I finally did, and now I do not want to go back. It is extremely hard, or even impossible, for someone with OCD to break out of their compulsion(s), thus I am glad I did. I have several fears related to OCD, such as an irrational fear of contracting HIV (a fear which ¼ of people with OCD have). Luckily the fear is still in its infant state and cannot quite be compared to the experiences of those who have had it for years. I was not aware this fear of mine was attached to OCD until I read it in this novel I have not finished yet, written by a man whose OCD manifested in thoughts of HIV. I am glad to know I am not alone, I suppose. Ah, that sounds overwhelming! I cannot imagine replying to a long message on your phone. What, or who, is restricting access to your laptop? I reply to comments on the computer, but I reply to Discord messages on my tablet. Fortunately I have a keyboard for it, though I hardly use it these days. Is it possible you could get a physical keyboard for your phone? Typing on the screen must be insufferable. Perhaps you could copy the message to a document and scroll down to reply? That is what I am doing at the moment, in fact. I have had many encounters with accidentally pressing something on the keyboard and having my entire comment get deleted due to my carelessness. I try to reply to comments immediately, but as I stated, these days I have been focusing on myself. And the messages I have to reply to are very long, thus it takes longer. But long messages make me happy. Ah, you have your own house? That is admirable. That must mean you are truly wedded, then? The majority of my time is consumed by my studies. What is it like to be anemic? There was one time I got a bit of blood drawn and felt extremely sickly and lethargic when I got home. It made me question whether I could be anemic. I do not see my skin as pale, but others have stated I have pale skin. Ironically, I had a friend who spent most of her free time outside, and I never go outside, yet I was tanner than her. I have had eye bags all my life, and though my mother always suggested it is from allergies, the eye doctor said I have a lack of fat beneath my eyes, which contributes to eye bags. The only way to develop the eye fat would be through eating salmon, but I despise it. Do you take iron supplements? If so, do they not make you feel any less tired? I agree, it is best to be considerate and patient. I admit I am a very impatient person, and the longer someone takes to reply, the more uninterested I become. I also have this spiteful attitude, thus if they reply late, I take it as reason to reply late, to get back at them. That or I will not reply at all. I try to be understanding, but if someone takes a month to get back to me, hell if they expect me to be friendly about it. I can tolerate a week, and maybe two if I’m feeling well, but I become pissed the longer they take. I am not a patient person, therefore will not say “Oh, take as long as you want.” My father is much more impatient than I am, but it was a personality trait I inherited from him. My parents are rather polar opposites of each other, and they constantly quarrel. I share more personality traits with my father (controlling, enjoys solitude, quiet, sarcastic, intimidating, aggressive) than my mother (extroverted, dramatic, hysterical, always exaggerates, sensitive, emotional). I have very little in common with my mother, other than perhaps the fact that she is always ranting about herself. I act nothing like her, really. Friends of mine offline described me as blunt, brutally honest, quiet, aggressive, and scary. My sister calls me an emotionless and uncaring robot. I believe someone can get a solid account of my character based on these descriptions. I wouldn’t blame you for replying late, if you do, but I would get very mad if you take, say, a month. Haha, I feel so relieved when I finish multiple long messages, but I shortly become overwhelmed, as they respond quickly and then I have to reply all over again. There are only a couple people who must reply to me at the moment, and everyone else I have to reply to. Sometimes I am stuck waiting for everyone to reply, and other times it is I who must reply to everyone (which is the case, for now). 90% of the people on my friends list never talk to me, and they are there because I share a server with them and we’ve had small interactions there. But I genuinely consider removing the lot of them. I used to have around 120 friends, as I used to accept random friend requests, but now I only accept if I’m close with the person. There are few people I regularly talk to these days, one of which I am not allowed to reply to, due to certain circumstances (we are on good terms, it has nothing to do the nature of our interactions). You’re right, I doubt they would redeem themselves, and there is no use in having them on your list. I suppose the same applies to my list. I will certainly talk to you, no worries. I am a bit too sentimental and hopeful at times; that is, I keep them on my list, despite the fact that I doubt they will ever value me as a friend and converse with me. There is still that hope that they will. Yes, they should actively show interest in talking to you. Yes, that is true. I suppose having them on my list is a way of looking after them and their profile/username changes, hm. I am not too sure why I am unable to remove them, other than the hope I mentioned. I try to bring myself to do it, but I hesitate and cannot.

I was very surprised when you messaged me after such a long time, but I did not hold a grudge, because I understood you were dealing with certain things. Though I was certain you would not talk to me again, for whatever reason. Regardless, you still came to mind at random times, and I wondered if I should message you. I often take it as meaning I am a forgettable person, if someone does not reply, so I did not want to bother you. There were indeed people who said they forgot about my message entirely, which is sad. I think whether I am memorable or not depends on who I talk to, and what I talk about with them. I am memorable for those I’ve helped, for instance. If you make an impact on someone’s life, they will appreciate you, and I believe if you respect/appreciate someone, they are harder to forget. I remember the majority of people I talked to last year and this year. I do not remember people I talked to in 2016 for the sole reason that I used to discuss anime and yaoi back then. The discussions were forgettable and lacked substance, thus everyone I talked to was forgettable, as well. I reverted to deep and meaningful discussions in 2017, and I refuse to talk about yaoi or anime anymore. I gain nothing from such conversations. I think the more someone knows about me, the more memorable I am for them. I have had a rich life full of many experiences I could rave on and on about. I will not deny that I am a wise and experienced individual. I only forget someone easily if they leave no reason to remember them by. Even if you just send a single long message about your life and troubles, I will inevitably remember you. Psychologically, I am attached to someone’s problems. On the other hand, if your problems are superficial, I doubt you will be stored in my memory. The more severe the problem, the more intriguing the person, for me. I have a photographic memory, so I can recall faces well, but not dialogue. Only things I can see. And, naturally, I am a visual learner. I can relate to that; I can vividly recall many things from when I was very young, and in general recollection about my past is rather extraordinary. I recall the smallest details and events. I’m glad you would not mind it, and I agree, there is little to stalk anymore, which is a shame. I like to have new comments, because I want to have something for others stalk. Though, they could very well read past comments. Oh, no offense taken, I do not even remember what you said there. It makes me happy that you perceive me in such a way. I agree that I am mature, and a man in real life recently called me mellow. I always wish to write messages like the ones I sent to _Malachite, but users like him constantly make excuses as to why they cannot reply to me. I can go very in depth about someone’s psyche, even if I do not know much about them. I have the ability to analyze someone and their intentions very quickly. I drew the proper conclusions about him, but he was not interested in getting help, otherwise he would have replied and respected the amount of time I put into my messages. I spent hours and hours writing to him, and I got nothing in return. Though, I felt quite confident in my analysis of him, and you may read our exchange here. I have a positive opinion of you, as well, disregarding all the things that suicidal boy spoke about you. You seem ambitious, intelligent, understanding, and very open minded, all of which I appreciate and respect. You are not absent minded as others are, and your kindness and curiosity come off as genuine. Haha, difficult to read. It has been said that the average individual focuses on the meaning of a word, whereas Schizophrenics see through the word and instead focus on the sound of it. As a result, my writing sounds very poetic, and I unintentionally use alliteration and rhymes all over the place. I’ve reread what I’ve written several times, and though I often forget what the words I used even mean, I can comprehend what I was trying to express through the emotion the words convey… merely by how they dire they sound. As an example, the phrase “Austere glare” can be understood through the meaning of the common word, “glare.” Using context clues, you can guess what “austere” must mean. My writing emphasis is on how things sound, rather than the definition of each individual word. It is enjoyable precisely because it is rhythmic. I do not use complex terminology for the sake of it, but because my feelings are so intense and I want to express the intensity through obscure language that is not understood by the average being. These feelings of mine cannot be understood by others, who do not have mania. The mood of my writing is intended to be both perplexing and intense, both of which are felt through the word usage. I accomplished depicting scenes how I saw them in my head. Portraying the intensity of my characters’ feelings through extreme words. People fail to understand how I perceive things, writing being one of them. I write in a very figurative manner, just as any other Schizophrenic does. It is the most intimate and genuine expression of how I feel, and how I perceive things. I am representing how my disorder feels through my writing. I am very exact in all that I do, and the word choice is intentional. I’m not preoccupied with the meaning of words, unlike other people. I care about how they sound together. The best sound. Like a musician. Writing is like music to me, indeed. Others treat writing and wording in such a superficial manner, but I am serious, and all that I do is intentional, writing or otherwise. There is always a deeper meaning behind what I write--after all, it is highly symbolic and requires extra thought to process it. I’m not sure where you left off at, but I’ve written 6 chapters so far, so either way, you are not too behind. But that’s alright, I hope you do end up getting back to it. Perhaps I am fine as I am, but I want to correct the way I behave toward my lover. Sometimes I become so content that I make an impulsive action and they become hurt because of it. I need to work on avoiding such actions, and I need to stop acting so careless during times when I should be the very opposite. There are things about myself I will never be able to change, and I’m not sure why anyone wastes their time on hating me over them. I mean, they will never change me, what is the use. If I could change them, I would have done so a long time ago. I’ve suffered enough because of them. No one deserves to suffer for being themselves, assuming they are not an asshole. And I am very well polite and respectful. I keep to myself and do not go around pestering anyone or bothering them as they do with me. I’m someone who shuts themselves out when others are targeting them: I refuse to read what is written about me, I avoid such people, and overall I would rather be oblivious to their words. I mean, when you are already very suicidal over the things people say, there is no point in reading their words. Judas is very protective of me, and will put such people in their place, but I am someone who avoids everything. I hate conflict, and I avoid it. I’m not someone who initiates it or engages in it. It’s sad there are people so attention starved that they’d say anything to get some recognition. I am reclusive, and I want no part in negative energy. Despite being emotionally neglected all my life, I’m not someone who desires or relishes attention. Quite the opposite. I had to become my own crutch and healer--I had to emotionally support myself. I’ve spent the majority of my life sitting alone in a room, wanting everyone to leave me alone. That is just the kind of person I am. If you are emotionally neglected, you are responsible for giving yourself attention and validation, instead of relying on others for it. That is what it means to be an adult--taking responsibility. I do not care if someone was emotionally neglected; if they are still so immature that they cannot care for themselves or take care of themselves emotionally, I have no shred of concern for them. I learned to do everything on my own and take care of myself, and if they have yet to do that, I feel sorry for them, and all the people who fall for their deception and give them attention and validation. My family never cared for me, so it was up to me to care for myself. I got rid of an eating disorder on my own, I got rid of my anime compulsion, I got rid of my depression years ago. Yet others feel the need to rely on others for something they could very well do, themselves. It makes you realize how selfish, incompetent, and pathetic people truly are. Not to say you can never rely on someone emotionally--it is normal to do so. I just think excessively relying on others and not even attempting to help yourself is something pathetic and worthy of scorn. If I could help myself out of things, others can, as well. No one ever offered to help me for such things in the past, so I made it my job to help myself. And now here I am, helping other people, because they cannot help themselves. I just want to mention that it is not impossible to help yourself with anything. Unless perhaps you have an incurable disorder like me, and there is nothing you can do anymore. I even tried to get rid of the symptoms of this disorder, funny enough. Of course, it only backfired on me, and I finally acknowledged what I have is serious and cannot be cured. Ah, I just keep rambling. I agree that my oddities make me who I am, and getting rid of such things would make me sometime else entirely. They are a part of my identity, at this point. I am glad you see it the way I do. All that matters is being honest with yourself and others, and not hiding behind some mask. And I take pride in my utmost honesty. Lying seems very foreign to me, and in fact I refuse to do it. It goes against my values, and I physically cannot do it. I am very genuine and open about myself, and I am not ashamed of that. I see no reason to feel guilt over being myself, simply because others hate themselves and wish to project the fact that they lie on me. I’ve never once lied on this site. I can admit to being controlling, possessive, jealous, and having all sorts of other negative traits, but I will never admit to what is not true. I never lie, and that is the truth. I see no reason to come up with some convoluted fabrication of something, when I could tell it like it is. I am honest about things others would never admit to, because I am not ashamed of who I am, nor am I questioning who I am. I know who I am, and I am a confident and shameless person. End of story. Someone’s kindness could be ingenuine, so I hesitate to respect someone for being kind, unless it is proven to be genuine, and I perceive them as an honest person. My perception of someone is never wrong. I have heightened intuition, which you can read more about here. I am extremely intuitive and observational. I respect someone who has respect for themselves and others. If you cannot respect yourself, how can you manage to respect someone else? And vice versa. I’d say I’m a very understanding and open minded person, especially considering my interests and the like. I have absolutely no reason not to be. You can be a serial killer, for all I care, but you will still be my friend, so long as you are loyal and honest. Close minded and ignorant can very well be used interchangeably, and though people state they hate ignorance, they are the most close minded individuals, hah. If someone were truly open minded, they would be understanding and appreciative of someone society shuns. Though we state society is becoming more open minded, I do not believe this. Well, I hold a grudge if someone insults me, or if they heavily misunderstand me, despite me explaining the situation to them. For instance, I am heterosexual, and my lover is the same sex as me. Instead of allowing me to explain it and actually listening to me, people go “Oh, you’re bi” or whatever the hell. I’m not attracted to females in the slightest. If I were, I’d be open about it, just as I’m open about being attracted to children. If I were attracted to females, why would I be open about being a pedophile and deny an attraction to females? That makes absolutely no sense. You’d think it would be the other way around. Anyhow, I am attracted to male children, and about 2% attracted to adult males. Or even less. I’ve not felt attracted to a single adult male since 2016, if that tells you anything. I am not open about my lover being female precisely because I know people will misinterpret it and assume I am not straight. As you can see, people are very close minded and will assume all the things they want. They disgust me. If you assume my orientation based on the person I’m with, you have no right to talk to me, period. I’ve blocked a couple people over this before. Anyhow, that’s one of the many things I will hold a grudge for. And if you hate me and insult me, then realize I’m a good person who deserves no insults, I’m still going to hold a grudge over those insults and your repulsive behavior toward me. I do not forgive people for what they say. I am a vengeful and unforgiving person. I distance myself from someone if they’ve hurt me in any manner. If I get a low manic episode over something you say, I will not forgive you. I’m not encouraging any sugar coating, just advising the people who talk to me to watch what they say and how they phrase things. If you’re explicitly insulting me, you can bet I will not forgive you. Or even if your insult is subtle, I will catch on. Just do not insult me, even if you are doing it in a playful manner. I do not take kindly to jokes or sarcasm. Be serious with me at all times. I interpret the things people say to me very literally, so jokes make me paranoid and confused. On the contrary, I interpret scenes and things in my head in a very figurative manner. My writing is figurative, and my discussions are literal and serious (unless perhaps I am using an analogy, which I do frequently). If you do not upset or anger me, I will have no reason to hold a grudge against you. If you are like the user I mentioned earlier who talked shit about me behind my back, you can be assured I have ill will toward you and revel in your sadness. I hope for that user’s demise, and I do get excited whenever they are sad. But you needn’t worry about that, I do not see why you would say something foolish.

Well, I do not understand why someone would find the way I perceive children to be off putting. Certainly, my perception is unusual, but unless I am bothering the children personally, I find no reason to be disgusted by me, or anything of the sort. I am fond of children, they make me smile, I am attracted to them, and is the world ending because of it, or someone’s life? No? Then I see nothing wrong with it. On the contrary, these people harass me to the point of wanting to take my life, and that is something truly detestable, in my eyes. They do not mind being a threat to someone’s life, so long as they get their skewed misinformation out. Children brought me so much suffering last year, yet they were also my source of comfort and happiness then. I feel a sort of grudge against them for making me suffer, but at the same time, they bring this subtle feeling of joy and bliss. In the past, my thoughts were “I am undeserving of them,” but now I think they are undeserving of me. How things have changed. Back then, I did not value myself in the slightest. As I described to Eight-Man last summer, I did not care if someone kidnapped, raped, or killed me. I did not care about myself at all, so why would I care about what someone could do to me? Now that I value myself, I am always the perpetrator, in my thoughts. I refuse to be killed by another, or to have them do anything to me. They cannot taint me with their touch. I did not value myself in 2016 or 2017, but now I value myself highly. People got this impression I was some self righteous person, when in fact I did not value myself. I find it ironic. Yes, people always make assumptions and brush things off. I was never raped, sexually abused or assaulted, or physically abused. My family knows of my attraction, and they do not mind it, either. My father is a psychologist, and he suggests I am attracted to children because of my early puberty. I agree with this. It is the only reasonable explanation. I started puberty when I was 7 or 8, and I became attracted to children as a result. That is all there is to it. I’ve been psychologically abused all my life, but there was never anything physical or sexual that happened to me. Anyone who states otherwise is a huge liar. I’ve been telling people my life story since April of last year, and I’ve stated many, many times that I was never sexually or physically abused. I cannot help that I had an early puberty and developed an attraction to children who were, at the time, around my age. Most begin puberty when they are around 12-16, but I was 7 or 8. These people develop an attraction to their peers, generally. They start dating in middle and high school. I never had such an interest. I am attracted to children who are 6 and younger. As a child, I had asthma, and nearly died from it. I started taking breathing treatments which contained steroid. The steroid caused me to go through puberty early. I visited a special doctor when I was 8, who asked whether I wanted to take shots in order to delay my period, or let nature take its course. And being someone who has a fear of needles, I of course said I wanted to let nature take its course. They took me in to get an x-ray of my bone structure, and it revealed that my brain and body were two years advanced in age. When I was 10, I got my period. I was always a very mature and quiet child, and my early development contributed to this. In any case, no one can blame me for being attracted to children when it is not my fault I developed at an early age. People turn a blind eye to the fact that many pedophiles were individuals who had an early puberty. About ⅓ of them did, in fact. That is to state that the other ⅔ of them were raped, molested, or something of that nature. I am not within that percentage of them--it does not apply to me. The most traumatizing thing in my life, perhaps, was when I witnessed my father abuse my mother last year. He is an aggressive drunk. But I realized I was attracted to children in 2016, thus that does not contribute to it in the slightest. For months, I feared for my life last year, and that my father would harm or kill me. But he never touched me. I was just in such an unstable environment that it was detrimental to my mind, and I became extremely paranoid. I remain in said environment, but my father is less aggressive these months, particularly after sustaining a spinal injury from his car accident. He can hardly walk, much less do anything more, so he is nothing to be fearful of. I do not mind being called a deviant or scary--in fact, I like when people are afraid of me, it gives an odd satisfaction. But I am in fact not scary at all when you get to know me, and my lover can verify this. I am very standoffish and cold in real life, but whenever Judas was around, I was always very lively and carefree. My point is, if you bring about a certain feeling in me, I act completely different. When it comes to a romantic relationship, I am very caring and nurturing, and not at all like the abusive person others think me to be. If I hypothetically hurt anyone important in my life, it is because they ask for it and consent, for the record. As for people I am not close with, I would readily harm them without their consent. As that is what it means to be a true sadist; no regard for the other person. Well, abuse was never on my mind. It just seems irrelevant. If I had a child, I would never let anyone harm them. I would be a very protective parent. I plan to act on certain sadistic things in the future, undeniably, but children will not be involved in any manner. I do not think it is wrong to release your sadism. The majority of sadists are sexual sadistic who partake in BDSM and such. While I am not necessarily referring to that kind of sadism, I am just showing that certain sadistic things are not inherently bad. If your friend or someone else tells you to punch them, would you just refuse or give in? And that’s a mild example, but I am making a point. I know people who want to be eaten, people who want to be tortured, people who want to be locked away. They do exist. And then, if you are sadistic toward them, is it a bad thing, when they want it and ask for it? I suppose that is the point I am trying to make. There is a difference between abusing someone and giving them what they want.
Shino Oct 17, 2018 7:42 PM
I can't thank you enough for your kind words, kinda happy that all the colors combination actually looks fine after a several times of fail attempts (○゚ε^○)v Though I ended up changing the part where I asked for opinion entirely too - Which I feel like it's a waste to the people who I asked /sweats/
Maze Oct 17, 2018 6:08 AM

omg thank you very much soaru!! >.< the color wasnt
really my top pick but i'm glad it turned out okay :')
Yukiato Oct 12, 2018 8:29 AM
MISS YOU SENPAI T-T How is everything ?
Nellynuska Oct 12, 2018 3:59 AM
Ahá a to je ten s ktorým si chodila aj naposledy, či nie? Kde v Anglicku?:) Tam je nádherne! Ja som sa presťahovala za frajerom do Prahy toto leto a našla si tu rovno aj prácu a bývame tu spolu :D
evolvingweeb Oct 11, 2018 10:52 AM
ahhh okay, i'm so sorry then :'D! i saw your profile and thought you seemed cool, so i figured id shoot a request.
tsumu Oct 11, 2018 4:52 AM
It's okay, to be honest I didn't really notice my birthday this year.... it felt like any other ordinary day because of school and home assignments I was too busy to celebrate it orz although I went out with my friend to eat delicious food on Sunday
Yeap, I'm doing great ;^))))))) then again one of my friends said I'm kinda stressed this week /sweats. How about you?