The great detective Holmes does not solve mysteries or use deductive reasoning. He does, however, hunt vampires. Using three-minute episodes, Vampire Holmes retells the story of the great Holmes and his assistant. What begins as an ordinary detective agency takes a turn for the occult when the Metropolitan Police of London secretly hire Holmes and Hudson to investigate vampires.
Or at least that's what Holmes would tell anyone who asks. In reality, he and Hudson spend most of their time sitting around arguing, and failing to solve any cases. Joined by the not-so-black, demon cat Kira, and their terrifying rent-hungry landlady, this is the story of the man who was most definitely not London's greatest detective.
I have a hard time understanding what the screenwriters behind this "thing" were thinking when they all sat down to write it. Did they all huddle together, started snickering as someone blurted out "let's create the tritest, most unfunny thing imaginable!"? Because honestly, I'm having a hard time seeing the inception of this project being anything else. To put it in perspective, shows like Ninja Slayer, Inferno Cop and others are along those lines are Shakespearean masterpieces by comparison.
This isn't the "so bad it's good" kind of title.
This is the "so bad, please end my life"
kind of nonsense.
I can't even bring myself to write a troll review dubbing it a "masterpiece" since that would require more care than the show even put forward towards itself. It's simply not worth that kind of effort — hell, even bothering to write about it is too much as it is.
Story: "What story?"/10
Our lead Holmes sits on his ass, acts incompetent, and occasionally attempt to deliver office-cubicle levels of dry humor... rinse and repeat. That's it, that's the setup for every episode.
Animation, what animation? There's none to speak of. As far as art goes, Southpark's paper mache cutouts had far more detail than anything belched out by this product.
Sound: Well... at least it has an opening theme/10
The only sound here was that of me face-palming myself with each dull line of "comedy" delivered.
Holmes was a little shit, his assistant was a little shit, the end.
Enjoyment: Watching Paint Dry/10
Most shorts are over before they could even leave an impressive, but Vampire Holmes isn't one of them. It delivered on something, that something was pure cringe-inducing frustration with an extra layer of boredom.
Overall: Why Bother?/10
If you have literally nothing better to do with your life, then sure, go for it, but it might be more productive to spend that time picking your nose instead.
The year 2015 has seen a fair number of truly horrible anime released, but no other series have been met with the sheer disdain and critical revulsion of Vampire Holmes. What is this bizarre little series and just why is it SO bad?! Read on if you dare my friends and I will explain!
The story of Vampire Holmes was adapted from a popular Japanese smartphone game, which should already be setting off red flags that this show is going to suck! Would you ever want to see a movie adaptation of "Flappy Bird" or "Candy Crush"? The basic premise is that there is a
highly incompetent, lazy, and idiotic spoof of Sherlock Holmes simply named "Holmes". Detective Holmes is accompanied by his assistant "Hudson", who is of course a goofy parody of Watson. Together our 2 imbeciles must save London from vampires...even though at NO POINT do they ever fight vampires! Instead, every single episode follows the following formula: Holmes acts like a jackass, Hudson grows mildly upset, and the episode ends!
Vampire Holmes actually has the worst looking art I have ever seen in an anime! This looks like something Dingo Studios from Phoenix Games or Video Brinquedo (Brazilian Pixar) would do! To make matters even worse, Holmes looks like a fusion between Sasuke Uchiha and Lelouch vi Britannia, so I want to punch him every second he is on screen!
Vampire Holmes clearly tries to copy the low budget, ultra random humor style of Inferno Cop and Ninja Slayer. However, the writing is utter shit and most of the jokes completely fall flat. One thing I must point out though, is that Vampire Holmes the game and anime did MUCH better with Japanese audiences because its humor also borrows heavily from traditional Japanese Manzai style humor. Manzai is a stand-up comedy routine in which puns, double entendre, and biting remarks are rapidly delivered between a straight man called the "Tsukkomi" (Hudson) and the funny man called the "Boke" (Holmes). Many of these puns and double entendre don't translate well across language barriers, so basically imagine watching Abbott and Costello's routine "Who's on First" if you didn't speak English and you watched a direct German translation. It wouldn't be funny!
Although this IS probably the worst animation I have ever seen in an anime, it is NOT the worst overall anime I have ever seen. Firstly, some moments are actually so stupid they are almost funny. Secondly, it isn't the show's fault that I am not a native Japanese speaker, so hating the show because I don't understand the puns is just as stupid as hating Tatami Galaxy because everyone talks way too fast! I have to realize that I was NOT the intended audience and that alone is not a valid point of criticism against a show. Lastly, there are only 12 episodes at 3 minutes each. This means that a single episode of other equally bad anime like "I Don't Like You at all Big Brother" waste as much of your time as the entirety of Vampire Holmes. Vampire Holmes knows it is shit and doesn't really overstay its welcome. You the audience watch in disbelief at the bad animation, perhaps laugh at a few terrible jokes, and then it is all over. Sadly, this is a MUCH better experience than sitting through many horrible anime I have watched.
TLDR: It isn't actually deserving of "worst ever" but it is still REALLY bad! Don't watch it under any circumstances unless you are a masochist or a native Japanese speaker who can actually understand and appreciate the humor!
I want to tell you readers a story.
Vampire Holmes has been a strange beast since day 1. After the raw untranslated version was released, no major subbing groups heeded the call.
However, Last-Subs did.
Last-Subs, a mysterious and intriguing group, published their subs on nyaa when nobody else did. Not as a video release, with the subs placed over the already-existing raws, but just as a .ass file. If you wanted to watch with their subs, you had to do it yourself, downloading a raw and then adding the .ass file in afterwards.
And boy, was it worth it!
Last-Subs may very well have been made by putting
the script into Google Translate. It's that level of terrible, so bad that it's amazing. The first 2 episodes alone contain such great lines as:
"The only people who use the floor as a bed are the losers."
"Ate recently, in addition has to work because we are bankrupt."
"This very seriously."
"Damn, my face is fused to the bedroom floor."
The actual show itself is terribly uninteresting and low-quality, but Last-Subs made it totally worth watching. I was laughing my ass off for those glorious 2 minutes and then looked forwards to next week's release. I'd rate those episodes as 10s.
But after episode 3, Last-Subs went strangely silent. There were no more fansubbing groups for the show. I practically gave up. Then I learned that viewster hosts the show's official release. With actual coherent subs, the show lost all of its joy and meaning. I held off, then watched episodes 4-12 in one day (The whole series only takes 24 minutes). It was a pretty miserable experience, and the "Vampire" part of "Vampire Holmes" was entirely nonexistent. I'd rate those episodes as 1.
Taking all of this into account, I found the average score of the show through its individual episodes. 10+10+10+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1 / 12 = 3.25, rounded down to 3.
In conclusion, definitely watch the Last-Subs versions of the early episodes, and you can safely ignore the rest.
WARNING: THE SUBS FOR THIS ANIME ARE HORRID!
I just finished watching a ONA which had 5-minute episodes, and I really liked the duration. So I searched for new series which had short episodes and ran into Vampire Holmes.
First of all, most of the reviews in this page are useless. You MUST watch ALL of the episodes to know the story of this... thing. Watching 4 or 5 episodes or even 10 is not enough. I do not consider that a good thing though.
There are a lot of joke reviews for this, but I'm deadly serious.
I'll start by saying that this anime doesn't even
follow the synopsis it has. Holmes NEVER searches for vampires, he is not a vampire either, he doesn't work with the Metropolitan Police of London or nothing like that. I really can't understand why did the studio give that synopsis if it's completely made up.
So the story is about Holmes, a lazy bum who yells at Hudson while sitting all day in a couch. Or the floor. Or whatever. He never does nothing, even though Hudson constantly brings him cases, he just gives up after 30 seconds. He even likes to tell REALLY bad jokes at any time imaginable. Also a weird talking cat called Kira appears all of a sudden in some random episode without a reason.
But in reality, Holmes is an incredibly well disguised dark-mage, super intelligent man who can solve 4 cases at the same time. WTF. I seriously believed it all the way through the series. At least this is well done.
This is when I talk about when I say you must watch all the episodes. The watcher doesn't have even a hint of this until the 11th episode. Why? It's another mystery.
Wow, this is bad. I think it killed my eyes. Even I can do a better job. I understand that this is a supposedly an adaptation of a smartphone game, but that isn't even a poor excuse. It's so poorly drawn... I think it has the same 4 frames for each character. God, it's so bad I can't find words to describe it.
OP and ED are the same and is surprisingly good! I'ts playing in my head all the time, I don't know what happened. Apart from that, there is no music or anything, just the same weird sound effects for every episode.
And talking about the opening, I wonder why starting from the 7th episode the opening has some random sound effects in the back? What do they mean?
If you ask me who Hudson is, well... I don't have the slightest idea. Vampire Holmes just centers in Holmes even though (I consider) Hudson is the MC. I don't know exactly what Kira is either, but I don't think I want to know. Besides this, Holmes is has a decent story.
Something above from 5! This is advancing. I don't know why, but this is SO bad that I just had to watch it. Every time an episode came out I just felt the necessity to watch this. I don't know, I think I wanted to know if this was going to follow a story. But I really enjoyed it for some reason.
I think I've gone crazy. Please don't judge me.
-You have to watch all of the episodes to know the story.
-The synopsis is a lie.
-The animation is SO BAD it hurts.
-I want to punch Hudson in the face.
-The OP is good and catchy.
-It has a pretty decent voice acting.
-It's so bad, it's funny.
Don't take this series too seriously. Millawls' review said in the enjoyment section "I'm just enjoying the glorious train wreck." and it's the same for me. If you have time to kill, watch it, it's 24 minutes long and decent, but just for the ending. I just hope new short-episode ONAs start the next season.
There are plenty of bad anime out there. But only a few shows are downright unwatchable. Ugly animation, nonsensical plots, and boring characters sink many anime, but only some fail in every possible way. Here are ten of the worst anime you'll wish you'd never wasted your time on.