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I want to start my reply that I really appreciate your long comment. It was delightful to read.

I think that one gets into this survival mode if they suffered some kind of wound that reaches just a little too deeply. A trauma, as it is called. It can really derail everyone, suffering hurt like this. I feel like I have been in this state since my early teenhood, and realized it sadly way too late. I never thought I would even live past a certain age, so still being here, I just didn't know what to do. It is perhaps a bit melodramatic, but just like in a Mishima novel, such glory was not granted to me. Instead it refused me. But I also relate to your sentiment regarding the contrast of having a lot of dreams but, for whatever reason, not being able to manifest those into reality. While I do believe dreaming in itself is beautiful and does suffice, it can, unconciously turn maladaptive and one creates perhaps a substitute reality in their head, leaning into escapism. Feeling like one is incapable to reconcile ones own dreams and part of their psyche with reality, can also create a lot of pressure and make one feel lost, like torn between two worlds, being neither really there nor here. I honestly think a lot of my personal unhappiness comes from the fact that I fail to realize I actually am happy. That I still need to do this or that, having that voice in the back of my head can be tormenting. Somehow there always has to be more. A kind of faustian spirit that is never fully content or satisfied, and even if it is, it is bored and almost yearns to suffer more because maybe it has a problem with being happy. I don't know if I make sense, but that is atleast how it is for me.
I understand that losing your father impacted and changed the entire way you went through life, I am really sorry. Is it okay for me to say that whenever I listen to Wake me up when September ends, you have been on my mind?
And you are, I think, absolutely right. Sometimes it is already worth a lot knowing what you don't want from life. That is also why no experience in life is ever a waste of time. If one is open to learning from it, the result will be tremendous and often directly guide you into the right direction. That is what I believe in general. That the things meant to be will naturally manifest itself sooner or later, and once they do, one must see if they are willing to seize them. As important as it might be to develop a more proactive stance and take fate into your own hands, the ability to let yourself float from time to time is just as valuable. I do believe it is about balance.
I also feel like there is a lot of pressure regarding age. When we are younger we dream of who we will one day be and society promises us all these ideas about how one is set in life as an adult. Yet none of what we were promised or dreamed of materialized. We do not even get the benefit of feeling like an adult most of the time. Maybe that is just me though. So anything but happiness feels like failure. And that is a loss and a betrayal of the integrity of our psyche. There is a lot of sadness in life and emotions vary and are much complex, however, it can feel like these emotions are denied and have no place in the world, so we rarely find an outlet or a response to them, which I think every human, even introverts, direly need. That's probably why films, books and music and even anime can resonate so deeply with us. They are a connection to the more deeper levels of human existence and above all remind us we are not alone.

Yes it is true, in this age of poor remakes and uneccessary remakes, who really expected anything from Top Gun Maverick? I also really liked the relationship between Maverick and Rooster. It felt almost like there were themes of redemptions involved there. It reminded me a bit about "the place beyond the pines", although of course with a much different tone and resolution. Have you seen that movie? I think it has cinematography you would like.
Also there is an argument to be made that the concepts of "mavericks" is quite crucial for the zeitgeist. Atleast I felt like the movie tried to make a case how figures that dare to go beyond set rules and conventions are something we need. Of course it has been done before, but there was something genuine in it. I really can't believe Hollywood is still capable to do sincerety right. In the vein of surprisingly good sequel stories, have you ever watched Cobra Kai? It is too one of those things that had no right to be as good as it was. At work there was a kid on the spectrum, who for some reason truly believed Daniel-san to be the villain. Since that is a joke I rather like, I leaned in on that and acted sometimes like Johnny Lawrence at work. You won't believe how fond he was of me. I even got him a headband from japsn when I was there. Every kids needs an unconventional sensei to take them under their wing.

Some of the movies you mentioned I have, to my surprise, actually seen. The others, I will keep an eye out onto and consider checking them out since they sound really interesting. Except for Kubrick. I need to confess something to you. I never got warm with his work. I know it is heretic for a film buff to hear but it is true. Except for the moon landing and his shots of Nicole Kidman he never caused much of a reaction from me. But the Anno one, is a priority now. His live action stuff has been on my ptw for way too long. I really need something in the spirit of Eva again.
Crumb really was an unexpected gem and it shows how intresting the process of really diving into the mind and outlook and the reason for it, of another person can be. I feel like it displayed an honesty most people usually avoid.
I watched on the silver globe last year. Honestly, I do not know what to make of this film. It had me feeling lost, but then again, I suppose it was intentional. I would really appreciate if you would share your thoughts on that film with me. I have been thinking about it since last summer but I fail to really tie my feelings and impressions into articulated and coherent thoughts. I really loved the feeling and aesthetic of how they arrived and settled on this new planet and how a new culture came to be. But everytime I felt like I got a grasp and understanding of it, the film pushed me away and was weird. I don't appreciate films reminding me of my encounters with the opposite gender lol.

I just remembered that I also saw a movie called Hiroshima mon amour which ended up becoming one of my favourites. I am a little clumsy sometimes haha. Have you seen it? It is really poetic and painfully melancholic. I think I could watch it over and over again.
Funny to hear you read Kafka on the Shore, I feel like the conclusion of the character arc is very similar to Shinjis in Eva, in a way. But yes, it is really insane how the movie adapted a rather simple short story of Murakami and turned it into a work on its own that still holds true to the authors very pecilluar atmosphere and themes of ennui, grief and loss. It also has perhaps my favourite movie ending of all time. I sometimes rewatch that scene just to feel a little bit of solace. I would much love to hear your thoughts on the film if you ever get around to watch it, or rather both of them.
I was surprised to hear you never watched a film by Malick.
I remember you once, much to my agreement, saying that nobody captured nature as beautifully as Tarkovsky did. Malick however really did something with nature that I have never seen done in a film. Perhaps because it is so embedded in his exploration of themes and the contention of his characters, but he almost turns nature itself into a cathedral of light. His next film is about the life of Jesus Christ and it is in post production for years now. I really can't wait to see it. What I also love about his films is that you see his own contemplation and progress in character in his films. He is a seeker. Never once it feels like he tries to lecture or even communicate directly with the audience. His films seem more like the contemplation of a question he ponders over. I feel like such an approach is not only honest and authentic but in the end offers dimensions for the audience to immerse into that really remind you why art can be so sublime.

It is funny getting an insight into the Adam beyond the keyboard from that time. The other day, for no particular reason, I remembered the time you wrote an Eva review to counter the flood of negativity that was pretty common for Eva at that time. And back then you almost felt like a rebel to me for doing so haha. But I agree with you, mal really was a place to escape to, where the unconciousness could vent or atleast find some belonging. Long before the troubles of adult life. And we all seemed to have worked out way through the neat 3x3 at that time. It almost felt like a clique or being part of some kind of lose gang, guys all having the same favourites etc and somehow getting along. It was something totally new for me in life. I had already given up on life when I came here and my experiences with other people out there in the world were not that candid. I also felt really inept. I was weird haha. But I really appreciated all of you guys. As you said, people have drifted away in time and left this place behind, perhaps for the better and I like to imagine they are happy somewhere out there, but I too will always have a soft spot for this place. At times it even felt like a home. I met people here who impacted my life in ways I never thought was possible. To me mal and all of you, felt like that group of friends in the childhood days of Oyasumi Punpun. There was an innocence to it at all and a sense of wonder. A time one truly felt alive, something that was on the brink of fading away from our lifes. Everyone went their own way, each experienced trouble and stories forever unbeknown to the other. Coming back here I always feel like Punpun who waves off Harumi with tears streaming down his face. But maybe I am just a fool. Still, I like thinking about it that way. Or maybe I just like Oyasumi Punpun.

Wow the time at the camp indeed does sound like a very special time in your life. I am happy you could make this experience. And it is really interesting that you could combine your passion for art with the joy of taking care of the children. It honestly is really important, it sounds both enriching to you and to them aswell. I am sure you created memories for them they will look back fondly on. Children really are wonderful, don't you think so too? Even those that might be a parents nightmare. Especially those. I feel like if you can get beyond their wall and show them you care, it will be a transformative experience. And giving them an outlet through plays and such, might be exactly what they need. Even if perhaps only in that moment. I worked with a very troubled kid once. Poor upbringing, very intense emotions but a deep rooted insecurity to trust anyone. He hid behind insane aggressive outbursts and so was usually judged and not treated all to fondly by everyone else. I did not act any differently than I usually do, I was just a calm and gentle presence. It took some months, but eventually he noticed that and in a crisis he had, which usually would result in him comitting crime, he instead turned to me. He sat down, wept and we just sat there in a comforting silence for an hour before he could talk. And he told me stuff he never told anyone else in his life before. And from there on out, it was possible to work on his issues and he did. We signed him up at a dojo, to channel his agression and he became so insanely stable. Of course he still had his issues, those things take a lot of time, but later he was even able to live with his family again. I really think there is nothing better one can do than to take care of children who really need a helping hand. I feel like this way you instantly take care of the issues of the world. Maybe it is just a simple thing. Maybe it doesn't change anything in the big world, but for one vulnerable individual it changes the entire world. I really had a hard time deciding to leave my job due to that. I feel responsible. But I tell myself a psychologist treats a wounded child aswell. I jest, I know it's not good to see it like that. But yeah, I think I definetely can see why this time at the camp was so enriching for you and I feel like that memory is like the source a lot of good things will flow from. Have you considered working with children in relation to your creative talent? I feel like you have a gift to give to the world. Film and theater is such a cool art form and something that inspires many, especially children. I mean we all remember the awe of seeing films as a child. The sense of wonder. The music of the shire, who could ever unremember that? Maybe somewhere out there a kid is just waiting to be inspired by you. By the way, how was it seeing New York?

Sounds like a love/hate relationship you foster with your country. I really appreciate the first hand insight into the situation of your country. Hearing a citizen describe how he feels about his country, is in my estimation, always a really authentic gaze into what living there would be like. A lot of western people tend to have a really romanticized outlook on Africa, I suppose they still harbor some kind of old coloniast ideas lol, and I think they see South Africa as this african country that resembles their comfortable home country the most. Though that is only what I shallowly observed. I remember that during the 2010 world cup, I was really intruiged learning more about South African history. Nelson Mandela almost seemed like a Christ-like figure, reading about him. And how the country seemed to be torn by this huge contrast of poverty and wealth. But above all, as I always liked to dream about the times when people sailed the world, the cape of good hope felt like a place I should see once in my life. I really find its name poetic. Cape of good hope. It sounds peaceful. I wonder, have you ever stood there at the cape? If so, how did it feel?

I am glad you find parts of your culture and city to find a home in. I looked at pictures of braai. It is like a specific grill method and usually a communal thing right? I like those. Can't ever go wrong with grilled meat. It sounds like the idea is set for you that you see South Africa as your home. Did you ever consider moving to another country or imagine being far away? In german we have a word called "fernweh", it is a melancholic yearning for the distance, to put it simply. In my youth I was almost consumed by it. Maybe it was an escape. And while I still have this feeling, ever since I live on the countryside, it is less of a melancholic longing. I think I found my home here. There is a poem the father of Tarkovsky wrote and which is used in the Mirror about a house. I suppose once you found a place like this the wind blows a little less coldly. I like to imagine one day descendants living here aswell. Although I don't think I will ever find a wife haha. Still, I love a simple life on the countryside. Tolstoy described it best I think. He described his idea of happiness the following way: "A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor."

Oh so you are living together with your brother and his girlfriend. Funnily enough, I used to live together with my older brother. The times he had a girlfriend were nice because he was often away and I had the apartment for myself. Somehow being alone in an apartment where other people live is a very enchanting mood. I think my ideal roomate would be one who is missing 99% of the time.
I really relate to your sentiment regarding feeling stuck behind a desk. I always felt like there is more to life than this. That yes maybe there is comfort, but also a terrifying emptiness. If you don't feel right and like you can't ultimately be who you are, then you owe it to yourself to change that. One can easily find himself be a slave to something in life. The thought of this having been it and life always being the same commute of flatline office exchange and exhausted evenings with not much to do, it really terrifies me.
It is cool you also felt like Epsilon haha. It is a wonderful feeling, to tell the truth.
By the way I saw Pluto made it into your favourites. I also really liked it, although in the end it didn't leave me as taken as Monster did. But still the journey up to the last episode felt masterfully done. What do you like about it?

Good hearted and insightful? Haha don't make me red, I don't deserve any of such praise. But I am happy you call me your friend, its my honor. And I am really excited to see where your journey will lead to. I do not think the last dot is put on the page yet, far from it. Also there is something I have been meaning to tell you for some years now, even though I am a bit embarassed to write it so publically (but then again nobody cares haha). I am not sure if you remember but it was back in 2018 I think, I shared two poems of mine with you. Back then I was just getting started and I wrote more to get ideas out than to bother about form, which back then was still in its baby shoes. You were one of the few people I showed something I wrote to and I remember that your rightful comment about the form really impacted me back then. I felt really terrible haha. I want to make it perfectly clear that when I say I felt terrible, that I can be overly sensitive, especially with these personal matters. I really took that feedback to heart and deeply appreciate it. It helped me grow and improve. And also opened my eye to what maybe sometimes is not easy to admit, but that you can only go ahead and improve when you accept you are not entirely where you want to be. So, you helped me find my form. I always wanted to thank you for this.

Maybe that question is a bit too private and you don't need to answer it if you don't feel like it, but since you mention still talking to your ex, is it the one you mentioned in that cd thread I made last night? I can relate to your experience and I am incredibly sorry this happened to you. Still, I learned that life is insanely complicated and dealing with other humans does not equal dealing with reason. The opposite is the case. I think they care about you, trying to help maybe. Still, therapy is ultimately a process of course that can only be fruitful if it is done voluntarily. And to me it makes perfect sense that Evangelion guided you there to that kind of epiphany. Evangelion is just wonderful, isn't it so? And what you describe, how it resonated even more so with you on your last rewatch, says a lot. I think our experience and feeling regarding Eva are somewhat similar. To think such a work can years later impact you even more is really telling. I last rewatched it two years ago and I felt the same. Although I am in dire need for another rewatch. I used to rewatch End of Eva every sunday for years. I regret that I stopped doing so, but life can be chsnging. Still I always feel like a vulnureable part of who I am awaits me whenever I return to it. Sometimes I wondered if I have not outgrown Shinji a bit. I mean he has accompanied me since my childhood. Getting older I wondered what he would be like after the story. I like to think the lesson of Kaji sticked with him. That it is better to nuture your watermelons, even when the world is coming to end. To take care of things and ensure life can grow and nourish. I hope I also don't sound like a fool but I really hope Shinji and Asuka stay together in the end. I usually do not care about things like these in fictional stories. But I feel like they need each other. I really like the Eva manga ending hence.

Yes, the inner journey of Thorfinn is insane. I really did not expect it to play out like this. That the end of the first season was merely the end of the prologue, that is one of the most brilliant details I ever saw in an anime. Him being asked by Askeladd what he wants to do now that his target is dead, man that scene hit way too close to home. I will never forget the expression on Thorfinns face. The way he almost felt like he had a mental fever before, how he dragged himself along, how Leif tried to tell him about Vinland and then the dagger drop. It was insane. I also like how they make him come to terms with his demons in farmland saga. It really is like Guts character arc then, that it deals with him overcoming his trauma. This conflict about resentment, it is very relatable for every human, don't you agree? I always felt like those who were done wrong, and who wasn't in one way or another, carry a heavy responsibility. What will they do with their hurt? How will they feel love when, for good reason, they are tormented by resentment? For a person like this to overcome this grief and even embrace gentleness and peace all the more, that's a true warrior. Enjoy your time with season 2 and please be sure to let me know what you think about it when you are done.

I am sorry if my writing is a little off. These last days were a bit weird, but I didn't want to let you wait too long. I hope I didn't write nonsense haha.

Thanks for the encouragement, it is much appreciated. And indeed it sounds like we are in the same boat. For most of my life I thought it just didn't matter what I do professionally, as long as I could derive atleast some kind of meaning from it. I let myself be floated and thought just surviving would suffice. I never bothered with the question, what I would do, if I actually did survive. So now it is time to take matters into my own hand for the first time and hope for the best. How would you like to spend your time on this godbeloved rock?

Even if Top Gun feels like a joke, Top Gun Maverick became an incredible personal movie for me man. Maybe it was the time. I had suffered a loss too big to handle and so seeing Maverick deal with the loss of Goose, it moved me. The people I went to cinema with thought I was joking, but I really wept there. And it is rare I can weep when other people are around. I will be damned, but I even appreciated Lady Gaga suddenly. It is funny what can happen if you really open yourself and not instantly hate on stuff. Also a funny note, but whenever I travelled by airplane, they always had both Top Gun movies available, and I always watched both. I once liked Top Gun only ironically almost, but it really has earned such a special place in my heart.
By the way, what are some movies that have moved or impacted you the most lately? It already has been a while and I don't watch as many movies as I have on my plan to watch list, but if I would have to pick two movies that I watched since last time we talked, it would be Drive my Car and A Hidden Life. Have you seen them? Isn't Terrence Malick wonderful?


It is funny how we have grown and talk about our jobs now. I sometimes get really nostalgic about the past and also about my time here. Those days feel like simpler days. My biggest active worry was that people on here hated on Eva and Shinji. Sometimes I wish I could go back. Just living isolated from the world, before I ever got involved with people and just spend my nights watching Angel's Egg, again and again. Especially if you associate the past with a certain place, then what will happen is that you will be struck by disbelief just how many people have faded away in time. It feels hence awfully good to know you still exist out here, Adam.
Tell me about your time at the summer camp in the states if you don't mind. It sounds precious. Did you move to the states now or do you still live in South Africa? By the way you are the only person I know who is from South Africa. It is really interesting to me. What is it like to live or be there?
Congrats on moving into your own apartment, that must feel nice. Sometimes it might feel lonely living alone, but I like those feelings, personally. I also relate to your sentiment regarding feeling directionless despite the good pay. I had a stable income for the first time in my life and could afford travelling to places I always wanted to see. I have my cats on the farm and was well respected at my job. My coworkers were all normal citizens. Perhaps a little insensitive, but who am I too judge. To the kids I was almost like a hero. I felt like Epsilon from Pluto, or Grimmer from Monster haha. It should have been fulfilling. I could have just continued like this till I am old and grey, but there existed such an emptiness in me that I could simply not transcend and which instead manifested itself into all kind of different aspects of my life. Previous generations seemed much more content with accepting the mundanity of work and life and at times I wish I could too, just to be done with struggling. But this is not who I am. I hope I can find what I am looking for, but even if not, I still have to search for it at the very least.

You know Adam, I hope its okay for me to say but, I think you have a passion for movies and that you are not only really creative but ever since 2015 I found you extraordinarily introspective. You manage to combine both the heart and mind, a warm compassion for other humans with sensible insightfulness. It is a rare gift and one that maybe too often doesn't feel welcomed in the world. But the world needs people like you. The filmmakers and the creative types. People who have a story to tell. I feel like filmmaking, or any art, is not too different from the therapeutic process in some sense. Both guide you through the dark realms of your unconciousness and let you illumine parts of your being that were kept perhaps for too long in the dark. Please don't ever bury your aspiration, though that is a weak word, your dream to become a filmmaker. I heard too that getting a job in the industry is quite hard, but I also believe that a lot of great people in the history of art have struggled. And that it was precisely this struggle that later made then who they are. Some great works of literature were never written if some poor epileptic gambling addict did not suffer brokenly in a labor camp after he almost died at a mock execution, thinking foolishly he could revolutinize the world through socialist ideas. What I want to say, even only as a stranger from the internet, I really believe you would be a great filmmaker. And all the experiences you make now getting lost, it is like taking notes for your future script. And I do not indulge in delusions of grandeur or anything, but I really think you have a talent. I really liked the idea of your films, Heel for example. Consider me your fan. You can't let your fans down! (Sorry I hope I dont sound cliched.)
It is also great to hear you identified your problem and want to go see a therapist. I am convinced that will be a valuable experience and that you will be able to pick up the threads of your old life. I don't know if I sound like a fool, but if you ever feel like you want to talk or so, just let me know.

Also, I see you are watching Vinland Saga. How do you like it so far? I remember LucasRTS (do you remember him?) recommending the manga to me way back in the days. I put it on hold after the first chapter and maybe it was good I did. Because I finished the first season and continued with the manga when I needed it most in my life. Thorfinn became a character almost as personal as Shinji for me. It is really nice what anime still can do to one after all these years.

I am sorry I wrote so much. I hope I don't overwhelm you. Reply as you wish!

Really? Now hearing that has made my day aswell. I have been back for a few days, but I was shy to write. So thank you. Seeing you still around felt pretty good.
At the end of march I quit the job I have been working in the last years and will go study psychology starting this autumn. I planned to have some months before the semester to find some peace of mind again and maybe travel, but I guess I fell into a pit and got a bit lost.
But what about you man? I often wondered how your filmmaking came along. How has life been treating you? I was really glad your first feature film was such a box office success. It is not easy doing a sequel to Top Gun ;)

Edit: Oh and don't worry about the reply from 2020. Life can be really chaotic, I understand. What matters is that you made it through that time.

You're welcome! :D

have a great day! ~

Happy birthday! :)

Happy birthday! :D

Happy Birthday to ya :)

🎉Happy Birthday Buddy🎈

Wanted to drop in and say I really appreciate the vibe of your profile. Even down to Kurosawa being in favorite people. Just nothing but immaculate taste. <3

Thanks for accepting man!

Thanks for accepting!

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLr6n6KbbYtjWhv7Y2booN_FLhK0bvBUr3

No problem at all!

If you ever feel like you want to talk to someone, vent or anything, don't hesitate to send a PM my way:-)

Hey there, LoveLikeBlood

I was going through some old forum threads, and I found a post by you from 2016 in a thread about suicidal thoughts. You said that you had almost attempted suicide in the past a few times. I'm really sorry you had to experience that, but I'm glad you're still kicking all these years later. I sincerely hope you managed to overcome all those difficulties despite everything, and you're now in a happier, more peaceful place in life.