Noir, for starters, is part of a trilogy of animes themed as Girls with Dild.....Oh it's not that kind of deadly device...Girls with frying pans then? No not that either..Oh yes of course, silly me. It's Girls with Guns (and Roses)..And as was the case with band this anime is also overrated. Sure the members look cool and smoke and have flashbacks from drug use and managed to get a hit or two here and there but the deeper workings are quite a different story...And if that story was interesting or even deep i think i could manage but a big fat "fuck you" was in the air.
Deep in the dark pits of the kingdom of Hades 2 girls and a cup...Oh i can go on all day with that shit and it will be more interesting that what's about to follow. So for real now ok? The story starts with Mireille Bouquet who is a killer cook in Paris.
-What does she cook then, Dion?
-Her special dish is cheese with wine and surrendering to the enemy like any Frenchman would do! That and pasta garnished with bored blood of her enemies.
But her peaceful days in Paris watching lame French movies and hanging garlic on the walls were about to end.....As a Japanese girl named Kirika Yumura appeared from the TV set wanting her memories back..Nah just fucking with ya..She sent a Tinder request..Ok ok don't hit me in the head mate i'm gonna be more retarted than usual...She sent a weirdly worded email and for the life of me i can't fathom how and why after reading that email she decided to meet with Kirika but she did and the music cued and they danced to the end of love with some other assasins who tried to kill them?! and that's how this holy alliance was born..With pain, blood, sweat and bullets.
Sounds interesting doesn't it? I mean girls, guns, Paris...What could go wrong?
Let me start with the opening song cause that's what hits you first in every episode after all. It's a bizzare one this..It's like whoever wrote it was described how "Arthur's Farewell" sounded through the phone and the end result was some techno beat mixed with Japanese pop mixed with French fries and espresso. And if you sit there and think that this unholy mix shouldn't be here...You're dead right, i too was waiting to hear some epic sort of orchestral track or at the least something that would insinuate adventure and murders not fluffy dogs and candles in the shower. But in all honesty this song fits the series like a glove, in the sense that expectations from reading the story or from the 1st episode quickly turned into a boring trash can fire instead of a full blown collapse of the civilization as we know it....And that's not all as the song ends IN EVERY FUCKING EPISODE we get a little narration about some occult stuff (Imagine the opening narration from Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast track but way more boring and with way less emotion in delivery).
But we'll get to the songwriting later on, but for now let's move on to the actual series and what you should expect after a very enthralling 1st episode.
And what you should expect is massive amounts of yawn and saliva hanging from your dirty cheeks. Every single episode is the same formula of 2 girls meeting bad guys, boring action scenes happen, everyone dies a miserable death except for our main duo rinse and repeat and there you have the first 10 or so eps of this anime. GOT THAT? 10 eps full of mostly watered down Hollywood action scenes and when i say watered down i mean right down to the last detail. I mean people get shot so logic dictates that some blood should poor from the dead asshole's....Holes...Don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen as this series with assasins and whatnot is as soft as toilet paper with bears on it. Good for your dirty ass cheeks not for your entertainment.
And this was standard practice for Bee Train studio at the time. Nice looking anime with superbly sounding stories full of glamour and style let down by horrible execution. The characters themselves are as dry as the vagina of a whore who's as coke'd up and drunk as Charlie Sheen. Sure some lube will do the work but the fact remains that after 5 mins your dick will look like you dipped it in a woodchipper and it was ugly to begin with. And if that wasn't bad enough they made the monumental decision to take it slow with the story. So slow in fact that it reminded me of the time i drove a Zastava and if you don't know how slow or dangerous that car was google it and experience the horror. And some may make the point that in these first 10 or so eps the main duo formed a bond or some shit...Even Romeo and Julieta's bond didn't take that long to develop and that was back in the dark ages for fuck's sake..Are you honestly gonna sit there and tell me that in the span of 10 filler eps they couldn't cram anything else or even tell the story in a tighter way in half the amount of eps?
Enough of that let's talk animation VA music etc. Animation for the most part was solid with good use of dramatic lighting and shadows. The constant change of enviroments made for some very nicely animated backgrounds, cities, mountains and whathaveyou. The characters themselves were pretty standard -if not low par- apart from moments where things got a bid dark and the faces looked like i drew them but there were definitely some corners cut. 3 words for ya,Panning, stills and flashbacks galore. Flashbacks alone made for 10% of each episode and if that doesn't scream repettitive and saving a penny or 2 i don't know what does. Flashbacks do play a role here, mind you, but not when you use it 40 times more than you should.
Which leads me to the fight scenes...And oh boy do they look and sound rubbish..Every fight has the same epic song throughout the series and after the first 3 times it becomes so tiresome that at some point i found myself muting the scenes and playing Spice Girls in the background which instantly made it 70 times better..Also the series draws inspiration from the worst Hollywood films and drags the hell out of the fight scenes. Imagine every scene where the bad guy aims at the protagonist shouting that he will kill him..KILL THE FUCKER what are you waiting for? And what the hell is this with all the "dramatic" looooooooooooooong pauses? How many dramatic pauses are enough before you actually come out and say that this shit is ridiculous..But the worst Hollywood sin of all..Bullets flying but not one seems to find shelter anywhere near the protagonists and that was made worse by the fact that the blond hot chick who is an assasin of the highest caliber....Pretty much stands around getting shot at, getting surprised she is shot at and pretty much being useless and Kiriko the ugly midget does all the hard killing. If you weren't told she was a pro you'd think she was there by accident!
The second half at least was a tad better but that's like saying bleeding from the abdomen is better than bleeding from the neck. It was also faster than a Zastava but not by much and there are some big reveals about the girls' past and a secret organization called "the Soldats" who are like an ancient mafia like thingy..But even with these revelations the story itself combined with these bland characters did no good at all for the greater picture. And if speedy was what i thought about the 2nd half you should watch the end and be amazed at how this 26 FUCKING EPISODES MARATHON managed the 4 last eps were shit was hitting the fan. Honestly the ending was so rushed it was like watching Nascar on meth and i have to wonder why? Why the fuck have 10 filler eps going on about absolutely nothing and when it mattered the most fuck it up on a galactic scale?
All in all this anime that impressed my young dumb self 19 yrs ago, now bored the fuck out of me. I can't stand here in good faith and tell you that for nostalgia's sake this anime was great cause it wasn't in the least. Animation on a strict budget, music that while was nice-ish was overused to the point of mental breakdown, story that could be but never was, boring and almost non existent dialogues between the characters and characters bland and paper thin..So no sorry, i'm not gonna suggest in the least that it was something better than broderline mediocre.
Wanna watch it? Go ahead and do just don't say i didn't warn ya.
