What is up Trash Alert Nation? It’s your host PizzaOnPineapple and let’s get roigggght into the review!
The first topic today will be kind of shocking to many of you: recently, there has been a large increase of buddhists among young, lonely adults that spend all of their free time in their room watching anime. While there doesn’t yet seem to be a clear answer to the question as to why that is, many experts have formed a consensus: the reason is this movie!
How this could happen, you ask? It’s simple really. These innocent young men were tricked into watching this piece of buddhist propaganda! How it works is pretty simple: they created a movie loosely related to an already established, popular anime franchise and made it so boring that all onlookers would immediately fall into a deep state of endless meditation!
As such, the movie is a piece of pure genius - nothing could accomplish its goal quite like the movie itself - but today I wish to explore exactly how and why this movie is so mindnumbingly boring and life-draining. Please fasten your seatbelts, but know that nothing will happen!
Exhibit 1: The world is really not developed at all.
All the movie really does is show us some locations without ever connecting or contextualizing any of it. Instead of exploring the world and the giant war taking place, they rather jump from place to place without any explanation as to why or where the characters are going. The good thing is you can’t possibly lose track of what is happening, because nothing really is.
Exhibit 2: The characters are really not developed at all.
The two main characters are the only ones with more than one character trait, because they have two, but that’s as far as this movie goes. If you are looking for character motivations, character development, or just characters really, then you have come to the wrong place. The development of the romantic relationship of the main characters is actually non-existent. All they do is “play chess” for like four times, but these matches aren’t actually really shown. In the end, Jibril turns up as a villain for fanservice reasons but it doesn’t matter as she barely contributes anything to the overall piece and just props up randomly. The emotional moments connected to this finale however don't pull any punches - because there are no punches to be pulled. All in all, this movie is as heavy-hitting as an old woman without arms. All it amounts to is a pity-party for this cute robot girl (please cry).
Exhibit 3: Literally one of the least visually engaging experiences ever.
I don’t know why people say this movie looks amazing. It really, really doesn’t. All it is is still shots, some panning shots and one disoriented fight. While the special effects themselves look cool, that’s really all they are: kind of cool. Sadly, there is no actual impact behind these glorified laserpointers, mostly because I have no fucking idea who these people or where these places are. It’s like they skipped several steps in pre-planning. There is a similar problem present in the audio department too: Oftentimes there’s just ambient noise, and the few times the music gets “dramatic”, it sounds really shallow, like a Hans Zimmer track but three quarters of the orchestra fell asleep mid-movie (I don’t blame them, I dozed off several times as well).
Exhibit 4: All they do is talk, talk, talk.
If you think there’s games or a war in this movie, you are sorely mistaken. All that this movie is is dialogue, monologue, dialogue and so forth. This dialogue is not of the sophisticated kind however, we go from recounting the names of dead people to scenes that will definitely put you on the lists of several governmental organizations, directly to the n-th time the two main characters tell you their goal (I wanted to count but lost track).
By the way, did you know the robot girl wants to understand the human heart? Isn’t this MOVING, please buy her merch.
Currently, experts are looking into ways of saving the millions of people caught in never-ending meditation, but a cure has yet to be found. Please watch this movie only with parental supervision (and get disowned).
In other news, Sword Art Online is receiving a th-
Score: 10 (out of 100)
