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Let us shake hands… with the future. The future of anime, and the future of society.

Friends, welcome. On the third season, The Order has risen once again to free us from our eternal struggle. In an industry that rarely takes risks, Hand Shakers stands above all others to become the most daring, most challenging, and most breathtaking anime ever created.

When Gen Urobuchi broke out in the 90’s with the release of Neon Genesis Evangeliation, the anime community was both equally fascinated and outraged at its unique story and characters. Hand Shakers pushes the envelope much further, challenging the community, the industry, and the entire world.

The mere concept of Hand Shakers is the most gruesome, most outrageous, most difficult scenario of all time: A young boy must constantly hold hands with a girl who looks to be half his age. SCANDALOUS!

Sex is often a highly taboo and controversial subject. Today, society holds intense debates over the censorship of breasts and buttocks and shoulder blades day in and day out. Hand Shakers puts the most graphic and intimate of sexual actions, hand holding, on full display for the world to gaze their nervous eyes upon. And with a minor, no less! Indeed, the young Inori Yuzuriha, despite her young appearance, is at the forefront of this gratifying imagery. I’m actually amazed she wasn’t impregnated at any point, given that she and Tarzan held hands for almost every minute of the series.

Oh, but don’t think that’s all. Hand Shakers brings about many more dazzling images of sexuality. In fact, the entire anime is a commentary about different sexual tendencies that are widely controversial, but it irrefutably proves how they are beneficial to our society and should be more widely accepted. Let’s look in detail about each pair of characters.

The first pair of Hand Shakers (the names granted to these brave warriors) are none other than the studio Silver Link, as the acts of bondage portrayed are a callback to the greatest Twilight movie of all time, Fifty Shades of Gray. As silver is a shade of gray and chains are also known as links, it was a cleverly well-placed casting by Mr. GoHands. Furthermore, the actors representing these characters are both high-level veterans respected by many peers and fans alike, showing how serious this anime is on its views. People might look at bondage with fear and disgust, as it does look rather intimidating on the surface. However, as this anime pleasantly shows, pain can also bring about pleasure when delivered properly, and both characters in this couple take great delight in this act. They set a great example for BDSM relationships and should be taken seriously.

The second pair is where Hand Shakers announces its strongest, most passionate stance on the legalization of pedophilia. This couple is nothing more than a grown man with a young girl. Although I disagree with the anime’s opinion, I must respect that it is very brave of them to portray this kind of sexual relationship, especially one as realistic as it is. The young girl often remarks about how mature and grown-up she is because she’s a Hand Shaker; she has a life partner and a good job and even dresses in a professional manner. But this setup often comes off as a joke to people because they don’t take it seriously. It’s unfortunate that the clear message of children being capable of acting as mature and responsible individuals has fallen on deaf ears, but once again I respect Hand Shakers for not only addressing this issue, but tying in the response to its controversial nature into the narrative.

The third pair of Hand Shakers represent another highly controversial and heavily debated topic: incest. This pair is with a brother and a sister, the sister designed with a luscious, curvy body to entice viewers and persuade them to join this movement to decriminalize sex between family members. After all, incest is wincest. This relationship is even sponsored by the popular trading card game, Weiss Schwartz, further proving that even big names are willing to make a much-needed change to our society. It also helps that this is the most realistic, mature, and down-to-earth pair of characters since the brother and sister of the hit 2016 anime, Big Order. But again, the community is too immature to see these characters for who they really are. Instead, they want to complain about completely trivial matters, such as the sister’s breasts moving “unnaturally”, as if they haven’t seem someone’s chest wobble like it’s getting sucked into a fucking tornado whenever they listen to twenty one pilots on their iPhones. You’re all dumbasses.

...whoops, pardon my language. I am only frustrated. I just want to tell the world how incredible this anime is, and all of the themes it represents. Anyway, let’s move on.

The fourth pair of Hand Shakers is actually rather difficult to figure out, as the themes are just too complex for the average person to understand. Fortunately, having seen over 20 animes, I am of superior intelligence, which is why I’m presenting this post to counteract the negativity surrounding this amazing title, and it is my duty to decipher it.

Here we have an older, unattractive man holding hands with a young woman who happens to be an aspiring idol. Instead of focusing on one theme, I believe this pair represents many ideas. First, the appearance of the man contrasting with the beautiful idol girl signify that even the most unassuming of people can find the partner that is right for them, or that appearance has no factor in love. It could merely be a good representation of two people not sexually attracted to one another, but are willing to hold hands because they see something in them that can’t be seen in their physical appearance. Number second, this relationship is particularly business-like, as the older man represents the idol as her manager. It shows how sex can tie into the workplace and be beneficial for at least one of them, and that’s all that matters. Furthermore, the mainstream pop industry has been notorious for displaying many singers and performers in a sexual manner, such as Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, and Death Grips. However, the idol industry in Japan is much more repressed, which makes this relationship in Hand Shakers a very big deal. We must join hands and break these invisible walls that bound society in its currently soulless state.

Finally, the last pair of Hand Shakers is the most fascinating, but be warned, this is a spoiler.

This final pair is none other than a copy of our main characters, Tarzan and Inori. Granted, the two people are different, and only the girl looks similar to Inori, but the theme of this relationship is the same. It’s also portraying ephebophilia, which is very different from pedophilia, and the confusion of these terms has caused many problems in our society. For further information, please see the thoughtful analytical piece of B Kata H Kei by Mumkey Jones.

I haven’t spoken about the main pair of Hand Shakers, because it all speaks for itself. The two meet each other and start holding hands for fun, but they do it so often that they become inseparable lovers, proving that sex is a truly beautiful thing that brings friends and family together and makes the world a better place. It’s a touching and emotional narrative that squeezed many tears from my eyes.

In Hand Shakers, the intimate act of hand holding grants both partners a great power, with which they use to fight with other Hand Shakers to show whose sexual desire is stronger. While I wish the world to be a calm place where everyone can hold hands in peace, this is a piece of entertainment after all, so I must admit that I love a good fight. And what good fights this series holds! Every power is tremendously creative and unique and allows for the users to activate different techniques as their intelligence may command. While Niconico Araki, known for his work in the classic series Stand Alone Complex, has often been regarded as a genius for his creative shounen battles, Hand Shakers might have outdone him once and for all, for the clashes in this anime are breathtaking, such as the clashes between chains and a big fuck-off sword, card games and a big fuck-off sword, and an idol girl and a big fuck-off sword. The possibilities are endless!

And what meshes all thisl together is the immaculate presentation of the anime. GoHands have truly crafted a masterpiece that will stand the test of time. Last year brought in multiple anime that sought out the promises of CG; anime such as Bubuki Buranki, Ajin, and Berserk 2016. Hand Shakers surpasses these titles--no, it surpasses all anime for its visual prowess. Every surface in the world is a mirror, reflecting the clouds in the sky that move at breakneck speed because this anime takes place in a very windy city, which is precisely why Lily’s large bamboozlers wiggle and shake rapidly, even indoors. Characters have hair made out of stained glass, allowing a unique color pallet with a diverse level of shading, and the designs of each character perfectly match the theme they represent.

The animation is nothing short of stellar; the 2D and 3D animation come together so well that they move at two entirely different framerates, creating two unique and interesting flavors that satisfy fans of both traditional and CG animation. The backgrounds, objects, and effects generated from computer animation are so realistic and lifelike that I have a hard time deciding whether they were actually animated, or if the chains and flames, for example, were literally placed above the recorded frames to give a full sense of realism. It looks so natural! I’ve never seen CG used in more brilliant ways before, although I’m greatly anticipating the upcoming Berserk 2016 2017 to break new ground with a clang. Either way, the ambition displayed in Hand Shakers cannot be ignored nor disrespected, especially when considering the messages of the narrative it represents.

The hand-drawn animation holds its own to that of Bones, Trigger, and Funimation. Even with incredible camera movement that twists and turns smoothly and miraculously, the highly-stylized characters manage to stay on model at every single moment. Every frame of movement is perfect and lifelike, as if you’re watching real people act through the motions. And, fret not, the hand holding itself is drawn perfectly. My heart goes out to all the animators working slave wages and not getting enough sleep for all their hard work.

Finally, we must talk about the intricate soundscapes that bring about the atmosphere of each scene, as they were good enough to distract me from the voices in my head that tell me to do questionable things to people with spoons and strawberry jam. Hand Shakers continues to innovate, as each piece of the soundtrack is a different tune taken from the top elevator music composers around the world. Not only that, but each track loops over and over again, creating a tone found in visual novels, blending Hand Shakers with even more genres. The opening theme is sung by Masayoshi Oishi, and bless his heart for singing as well as he did despite having a cold, which is why you can hear him cough at the beginning of the song. Many singers should aspire to work as hard as him. The ending theme is sung by Akino Arai, and its soothing composition can lull anyone into a sleep, so that they may dream of a better world of hand-holding.

The speakings are consistent with every other part of the anime: absolutely perfect. Inori’s two lines of dialogue and her 815 lines of “hm” are delivered with aplomb. No other actress could possibly have fulfilled the role better than Sumire Morohoshi. Likewise, Bind’s 59 instances of “ahhhh!” are handled excellently by Mio Akiyama. There’s nothing else to say other than that every actor and actress was phenomenal and I would like them to read me a bedtime story, because the voices in my head don’t know how to read, unfortunately.

With this review, I hope you have learned the valuable narrative aspects that are explored within the anime Hand Shakers, as many people have misunderstood the intentions of this amazing series and have given it an unfairly low score. While it may appear to be a simple anime featuring beautiful characters, incredible artwork, and great action pieces, it carries many mature and interesting themes of sexuality that must be heard. Hand Shakers is nothing short of a breakthrough for the anime industry, and therefore the entire world, a breakthrough that will likely bring a great change in how laws affect censorship and restrictions on sexual activities.

And so, my friends, I must go. Do tell your friends and family the good word of Hand Shakers. Spread it across your school, your church, your swamp, your office! Follow the example set by this anime: spread the word loud and clear! It’s beautiful, it’s wonderful, and it must be seen by all! You, too, can make America great again. I cannot write any further, for I must do my part and travel the seven seas and sing to humanity the praises of this glorious anime. If you need me… simply reach out your hand, and I shall come to hold it.

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S.P.O.I.L.E.R.S. - Stupid Pissed Off Idiot Likes Emphatically Raging at Shit

This review is honest, but purposefully exaggerated so that it may be entertaining to some people, much like the anime itself except I believe myself to be halfway amusing. It also contains bad words like “fuck” and “dick” and “kittens”, so to all children who can’t handle a few motherfucking swears, avert your goddamn eyes!!

Let’s talk about the concept of Masamune-kun for a moment, and why I was immediately nervous about where the anime would go.

The plot has a clear ending that it is working toward: Makabe Masamune will get revenge on Adagaki Aki in a most grandiose and satisfying way. But you can’t just have a good ending; otherwise the audience would just skip to the last episode to see how it plays out. You need to somehow make the ending satisfying, but also balance the rest of the story so that the build-up is worth it as well.

And here’s where those spoilers really kick in.

Masamune-kun has neither a good build-up, nor the ending it promises. In fact, it has no ending at all. The final episode is a fucking karaoke party. Why the fuck did they even make this? I feel like a complete dumbass for subjugating myself to watching every minute of this mumbo jumbo, which was admittedly okay and non-offensive for several episodes, but after a while it feels like even the writer didn’t know how the revenge was gonna work, so they started making excuses for some weeks or years or however long you’ve been experiencing this series. Oh god, could you imagine a second season of this shit? This is not any sort of narrative that requires more than twelve episodes to develop. It initially appears as a typical romcom, but with a twist ending and nothing more. The presence of a sequel would immediately imply that the ending is prolonged longer than necessary, like a really awkward handshake. Not like Hand Shakers tho. That anime was flawless in every aspect.

Yes, yes “it’s about the journey” whatever, except the actual journey towards the non-existent climax is about as fruitful as an average expedition in The Oregon Trail. Masamune, being a charming young lad, simply oozes with swagger and sex appeal. Yes, this little piggy got /fit/, and now every teenage girl within a five-mile radius wants to bang him. But instead, Masamune would rather reject these fine 2D women and chase after the dumb ugly bitch so he can end up rejecting her too. You know, even though chasing after one girl for your entire high school life is probably the worst thing you can do as a high schooler, I can respect Masamune for being so determined to work towards his goal. You know, IF THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING HAPPENED.

And while you sit back and watch Masamune make irritating decisions, Masamune-kun will do its damndest to make you laugh. If you love WITTY ANIME HUMOR then this is about as much WITTY ANIME HUMOR as you could possibly need. Characters overreact because their actual personalities can’t carry the scene, people often compare scenarios to those seen in anime and manga, and the main character comments on so many things in his head that the Fine Bros would’ve sued Silver Link a year ago. No, I’m not saying you should feel bad for finding these things funny. I’m just saying that I didn’t. Masamune-kun doesn’t have any strong nor original jokes, and the only thing I can say about its general style of comedy is that it’s “very anime”. The ONE joke I actually laughed at is Masamune’s mom looking like a five-year-old girl, because it's so weird and illogical and out there that I just kinda like it. Doctors HATE her!

That’s really what I could say about Masamune-kun in general, it’s “very anime”: A decent but not particularly unhealthy dose of “underage” partial nudity, the leading female as a high-and-mighty bitch quee--I mean tsundere, an oblivious main character, and a high school containing all the silliness. Masamune-kun never sets out to break the mold or add anything new, although a twist ending would’ve been nice. Maybe at the end of the series, Masamune could’ve said “ha, PRANK’D” and dunked Adagaki Aki into a shark tank as his way of getting revenge. You know. Just a suggestion. Any sort of revenge plot would’ve been nice to see. But anyway, Masamune-kun just wants to be a plain high school rom-com. And you know what? I’m okay with that. For most of the season, Masamune-kun failed to evoke a single reaction from me. Nope, not one. I watched episode after episode week after week and didn’t crack a smile, didn’t have any particular thoughts, didn’t twitch an eyebrow, didn’t slit my wrists, nothing. It was a perfectly acceptable five out of ten, and if it sounds negative, it's actually something that I am 100% okay with.

But then something happened later.

Now, the lack of delivery on Masamune-kun’s part is bad enough. Since I keep mentioning it, I really don’t like the fact that it doesn’t bring about the ending it promises. But before that cuckening even ignites, we get this abysmal “final” arc where an actual antagonist is brought in. No, the antagonist is not Adagaki Aki, it’s just a random kid who looks like Masamune when he was fat, and he’s to take Adagaki Aki’s hand in marriage as some sort of business arrangement or something. So, this kid is an obstacle for Masamune to tackle so he can not get his revenge.

The problem is that I’m expected to believe this is a bad thing.

I don’t care about Masamune. He’s not an interesting character. I like the fact that he was a fat kid who ended up getting buff, and uhhhhhhhhhh, yep that’s pretty much it. Beyond this, he’s just a high school protagonist who gets a small harem that’s still big enough to include a trap, because that’s WITTY ANIME HUMOR. I don’t care about his revenge plot either. Yeah, I would kinda like to see it, but I also see it as something worth giving up. Masamune has almost nothing to lose by not getting his revenge; all that happens as a result is that he’ll feel a little bested by that one cunt from his childhood--who the hell cares, anyway? Just leave that shit in the past--if you want, you can aggressively fuck one of the eighteen billion other girls in school and think of Badagaki the whole time. I’d watch that hentai. Or anime. Or cartoon. Or attack helicopter. Whatever the community is arguing about. Hey, isn’t that what that shitstorm Scum’s Wish is doing, anyway?

Yet, despite these things, Masamune-kun thinks I do actually care about Masamune’s endgame, ‘cuz he’s the main character and all. So this lookalike motherfucker is apparently a bad thing. And to that, I say…

Fuck you.

Masamune-kun actually made me angry at this point of the story, because this abominable terrorist is a nice kid who just wants to do the right thing. He’s sucked into the marriage just like Whaki is, but his intentions are angelically good. He even approaches Adagaki’s friends in private to clear up any misconceptions they have, because he truly respects his to-be bride. What’s the fucking problem? Yeah, Adagaki Aki is an obnoxious bitch who deserves to trip and fall into a vat of rotten donkey milk. But you know what they say: bitches ain’t shit. Why do we gotta worry about them so much? Just let them go. She might’ve embarrassed a few people in brutal ways (even though they were all basically fedora tippers so they got what they deserved), but it’s not like she throws rocks at kittens and steps on fennec foxes in her free time. She’s not so horrible that she NEEDS a taste of her own shit.

I’m just baffled at how completely pointless Masamune-kun’s Revenge is. Really, all it needed to do was set up this grand revenge, but instead it insisted on taking this weird detour so that it could evolve the romance. Give me a break. I didn’t want to see that in the first place. Not just because I’m expecting a revenge plot, but also because I don’t like these two characters, and seeing them form a relationship isn’t satisfying. In fact, Adagaki Aki is meant to be unlikable, so why would I want the main character to date her? She’s supposed to be the villain, but then at the last minute they throw in this secret side of her that actually found fat Masamune to be attractive?? What the fuck???? All of the sudden the revenge plot is gone, so now she needs to be presented as likable. Ten episodes is a bit too late to change my mind on someone’s personality. It’s also too late to rewrite the entire show. Shit, I thought I avoided the new Rewrite this season.

The other thing about Adagaki Aki that strikes me as odd is how she’s supposed to be the most beautiful and magnificent creature in the entire world; that world being the high school. They demonstrate this by showing people I don’t care about saying that she’s beautiful. Adagaki Aki in the flesh has a fairly tall and slender figure with a sharp face and uh… oh yeah, NOTHING. Remember, this is the most beautiful girl in the entire school, according to literally everybody in the school. So the anime then dumps all of the jiggle physics and panty shots onto Aki’s sidekick, a maid girl with short hair and big tits voiced by Inori Minase. Now that's some good casting. Good job, Silver Link.

If this were a live-action series with actual human beings and all of their many physical flaws, these comments wouldn’t exist as Adagaki Aki could look like an actually attractive person with as few flaws as possible. But when you have an anime (or manga) where every character is painstakingly drawn to be beautiful and perfect and eye-catching to the audience, I have no idea how I’m supposed to believe that any single one of them are considered attractive in comparison to the others. I guess if you have a domination fetish, yeah, Aki’s your girl, but if you’re one of… *ahem* THOSE people… then you might prefer Mr. Boipussy~ over there with the weird yellow pluses in his or her eyes. Why is that a thing.

Anyway, my point is the character designs all suck and that NotRem is the better girl because her tits are bigger. Masamune doesn’t even look muscular despite that being his entire character, but whatever.

You might think that the lack of strong character designs could imply more movement, but if you believe that then you probably thought that Masamune would get his revenge, didn’t you. No, there’s not any single bit of interesting art direction or animation or anything. It takes place in a boring school with a decent dress code--the boys’ uniforms look a little unusual with the yellow and dark blue color scheme, but calling them garish would be extreme. The girls’ uniforms are equally decent at the top, but the yellow skirts are a weird combination.

“shut up lux who tf cares”
Me.

Now, the soundtrack is an interesting sort of entity. For the most part, it’s obnoxiously loud and irritating as all fuck, but in a way that could’ve possibly been ideal. The OST places heavy emphasis on each scene, making simple decisions more dramatic and making characters more imposing than they actually are. The bigger problem is that the art direction is completely lifeless and boring, making the grandiose soundtrack utterly pointless. If the show looked as intense and excessive as it sounds, this could've made things funnier in a way that Nichijou has mastered, but of course that wouldn't happen. I hope Silver Link gave the composer a nice participation ribbon for his effort, he deserves it.

The OP and ED suck shit. I don’t have anything to say about them because I skipped them every episode except the first, because they’re completely boring. Too bad I couldn’t skip the entire show tho. Next.

Oh wait, that’s all I need to say.

Masamune-kun could’ve been a strong four to a light five, which I’m okay with, and I could’ve let it go about its business without a care in the world… but the complete lack of delivery alone brings it down to a 2, a number I use to notate something that’s SLIGHTLY watchable, because you could argue that Masamune-kun is a decent and funny rom-com even though it should be a revenge story.

The non-existent ending and last few episodes just pissed me off so much that I need to let myself go and burn everything in my path. Damn you, Masamune-kun, let it be known I shall have my own revenge by posting this 2232-word review on a Western database not seen by anyone significant in the industry, for it’s currently the only platform I have to post upon! Muahahahahaha!!!!

Story - 1/10
Art - 2/10
Sound - 4/10
Character - 2/10
Enjoyment - 2/10
Revenge - 0/10
Overall - 2.25/10 (Range: 1.75 - 3.0)
Favorite episode - 8
Favorite character - Legal Loli Mom
Recommendation level - Very low

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Do you need a recap of Loli Senki? Here goes:

An asshole businessman gets out-assholed by another asshole and talks to some sort of God just before his inevitable death, which leads to a reincarnation as a little orphan girl named Tanya. She joins the military as a child and proves to be the very best like no one ever was, rises through the ranks, gets a small army of mages by impressing them with how much of an asshole she is, and together they fuck up some other armies. That's pretty much it.

Recaps are nice for more complicated and plot-heavy series with many characters, such as last year's 91 Days. Youjo Senki basically has one character and the plot can be further condensed into one sentence: "A little girl becomes Hitler."

Recaps are also nice if you're a brand-new studio making a high quality anime and suddenly realizing that making high quality anime is rather difficult, so you need to stall for time until the next episode to get production slightly back on track.

That's basically it. Studio Sex Jokes apparently ran into some "uh-ohs" and needed some room to breathe, so someone stitched together some clips and scenes over the first six episodes. Nothing new was added, with the exception of a few quick narration lines from Yuuki Aoi. It's only worth watching if you want a free entry to your MAL list so you can impress people with your number of completed shows.

Otherwise, feel free to say "fuck recap episodes", not watch it (don't forget this step, it's important), and blame the entire thing on Being X.

All things aside, the recap episode is at least slightly amusing to me, as someone who believes Aryan Senki to be quite enjoyable as a whole. Without much of a plot to lean on, it has highly thrilling action pieces with god-tier sound effects and mostly good animation. And without the need for a supporting cast, Tanya hogs the spotlight and makes every minute count with her devilish ideologies and twisted antics. All of this is showcased in this recap, but the series doesn't have enough excessive length to warrant a condensed version. I would recommend watching the anime in full as opposed to this.

It's certainly not a bad recap. It doesn't come off as a cheap advertisement to the series or anything, it just replays scenes. I mean, I'd rather watch this than another episode of Rewrite. It merely serves its purpose: to stall time for the production team, and to quickly feed information to possible newcomers and confused individuals, however unnecessary those tasks may be.

Bottom line: not important. Don't watch it. Fuck Being X. Bye.

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Ajin was just considered to be an average PS2 game when it launched. But this is different. This is Ajin 2, baby. This sequel completely eclipses the original. The technical improvements are incredible. The new features, the expanded story, the new abilities… I can’t believe how much content has been added despite the short development cycle! Ajin went from a passable experience with a promising concept to a complete thrill-ride.

In the last game, most people complained about Kei being a really boring character to play as. He was as clueless as the player when it comes to actually using the IBM, and he was just kind of a piece of shit anyway. Most players sided with the villain, Satou, because he was a cool guy who actually knew what the fuck he was doing.

In this new game, they didn’t really make improvements to Kei’s playability. In fact, they’ve arguably gone backwards by making his IBM(s) even harder to control, with some sections of the game being literally unplayable on his side for dramatic effect. Although there are some moments when you can use him at his full power, where he can spam OP monsters and have them fight as much as you want, these sections come in very short bursts and are scattered too far and in-between.

But instead of improving Kei’s mechanics, Polygon Games made a bold decision by simply adding a new playable character--none other than Satou. This time, you get to play the villain and see Satou’s point of view. This mode is incredibly satisfying. Satou is a powerful character who has tons of combat options--firearms, close combat (he even has a hunter’s knife!), or just a good ‘ol IBM, Satou is incredibly versatile and rewards the player for trying new things. Even stealth missions are fun to play as Satou always remains the most dominant character--on Kei’s side, his allies end up doing a lot of the work.
And while I’m describing Satou as if he’s a super OP character, Ajin is actually a very balanced game. It’s not a matter of Satou having the strongest abilities, it’s about using the right abilities in the right way at the right time. If anything, Satou makes the game harder for players by setting up crazy challenges in the story, all because he himself is a player and wants the challenge. It’s actually a very clever fourth wall break that sends a message to gamers all around. “The harder the difficulty, the greater the satisfaction of clearing the level.” That was actual, in-game dialogue from Satou. He’s not only fun to play as, but fun to watch as well.

This new side of the gameplay makes the story more exciting. Satou is enigmatic to his allies and even the player. Every time I cleared a mission, I always wondered what else he was gonna do. What crazy path would he take the players on next? One mission after another was filled with challenges and surprises that test the limits of both the player and the characters in the story, heightening the drama. However, while Satou’s storyline is fun as hell to play, there’s not much to the narrative.

Ajin’s core story lies with Kei’s campaign, so if you want the full experience then prepare to be a little frustrated. Kei is only slightly more likable in the expanded story because he stopped trapping people in boxes for all eternity, but his personality is still that of a cold, distant weirdo who’s just not that fun to watch. Fortunately, Ajin 2 even included a co-op mode where a partner can join the fun and play as Kou--this is also available for Satou’s story, but Tanaka isn’t that fun to play as since Satou takes up the bulk of the action. Anyway, as unlikable as Kei might be, he’s surrounded by much more fun and interesting characters, Kou being the most important. As the comic relief, he was always cracking me up with his dumb comments and over-excited reactions, and since Kei is a more passive character to play as, co-op gameplay with these two is balanced and fun for both players. But if you don’t have friends (because who needs friends when you have a PS2, right?), the AI is competent enough to carry its weight.

The story continues from where it left off--if you played the original from winter then you’ve seen it all already, only this game is a little more interesting because of the increased amount of action. It also goes a little deeper into the relationships that Kei and Satou have with their teams, but the most notable thing is that there’s a small mission where you play as Izumi Shimomura. I thought that was really fun, and it was nice to finally take a break from Kei without having to switch over to Satou’s POV. This small episode also gives more info on Yuu Tosaki, who in my opinion is the most interesting character besides the two leads. He gets a lot more screentime in this expanded story, though he still remains unplayble outside of the stealth mission that was in the original version.
Otherwise, the story is basically the same, there’s just more of it now. The government is still incredibly stupid and corrupt, though this new version brought in some good ‘ol ‘MURICANS so that Japan won’t look the most corrupt, and everyone’s motivations are the same. Satou wants to get revenge on the jerkwads who did shitty science projects on Ajin, and Kei just wants to live quietly. Chew.

And while the overall soundtrack is as good as it is in the original, the dev team made a huge mistake by changing the opening cinematic. The original version had an incredible song in the beginning--it was so good that it took me a while just to actually play the game, because I couldn’t help but play the OP over and over again. But now this sequel not only replaced the original OP, but they added a second as well. I don’t get why fripSide is popular or why their songs are mixed so horribly, but listening to them feels like getting hit with a sack full of swan feathers. Their music has some bark, but absolutely no bite. But worst of all is that the animation just blatantly rips from scenes in the anime--scenes that you haven’t yet seen (heh), which therefore spoil small parts of the game. The original OP used in-game footage as well, but it was mostly scenes of solo dialogue and vague imagery of IBM fights. In this, you actually see characters in battle for the OP’s. Regardless of how big or small they are, spoilers in openings are not okay with me. And don’t get me started on how terrible the ED is. They changed this from the original as well, and it’s way worse now. It’s sung so horribly that I can’t believe it was recorded in a professional studio and released commercially. It sounds like a dog that suffered a fate worse than every dog in JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure combined.

But despite all of the Ajin’s improvements, the graphics are the exact same as they were in the original. This was by far the #1 complaint in the original game, and it seems to have fallen on deaf ears at Polygon Games. It still moves at about 3 frames a minute, which sometimes looks so choppy that keeping up with the fast-paced action gets difficult and confusing. Fights are just not as satisfying as they deserve to be with animation this restrictive. Polygon Games were able to develop a nice style overall with their lighting, clothing, character and IBM designs, but clearly the engine is not suitable for the PlayStation 2. Perhaps when the next generation of games roll around, Ajin will get the HD remaster that it truly deserves. But for now, the graphics take a lot of getting used to but are just adequate enough where they don’t weigh the game down too much and can be adjusted to for most players.

Technical limitations aside, Ajin 2 is a great game, the true sequel that fans of the first game wanted. This game improves the franchise greatly and is a must-play, even if you didn’t like the first game very much. It’s rumored that a second sequel will be released in the near-future to wrap up the story. I don’t know how much they can improve with this game besides the graphics, but I trust that Polygon Games will deliver once more.

I give this game a 7.5 out of 10 for its decent story, strong gameplay, and fun characters.

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“I kinda like it when a lotta people die.” --George Carlin

Sometimes, all you need is kill. Ing. That’s what I was looking for with Magipro. I was a little stressed, you see. I was in a weird spot at the beginning of the season: pets dying, mothers hospitalized, promotions at work, dads who live forty miles away and need rides to work another forty miles away. Oh my god. I have RESPONSIBILITIES?!

Tough times call for easy viewing. I wanted something that I didn’t have to think about. Something fun. And the synopsis of Magipro fit the bill. Magical girls killing each other? Don’t care why, I wanna see it. People dying is sensational and thrilling. Violence, murder, blood, death, despair! Sometimes, all we need is a little action. Fantasy is for the things we don’t want to experience. It’s all just for fun. Kill to thrill. It’s no fun ‘till someone dies.

And that’s why… I was actually disappointed with Magipro when it started. They give an obvious implication that things will go very wrong for everyone on screen, but if it weren’t for that small foreshadowing then this would’ve been seen as nothing more than a mediocre mahou shoujo anime. It starts off with talking. Then more talking. Followed by more fucking talking. Then the main character gets a template-level transformation and runs around town helping strangers over some exposition and incredibly light music. Where’s the charm? Where’s the MAGIC? Being a magical girl sounds really fucking boring given this show’s depiction of it. Madoka Magica was such a thrill because it had a really interesting depiction of magical girls until things got really fucked up. In Magipro, dying is the most interesting thing you could do.

I need to pause for a moment to calmly explain to you, kind readers, that if you continue comparing a show that is nothing more than a bloodbath to a complete deconstruction of an entire genre, I will find you, rip your arms off, and recreate Sentarou’s drum solo from the pilot of Kids on the Slope using your severed limbs as drumsticks. Please stop making this retarded comparison. The shows have nothing in common beyond being dark magical girl shows, and Magipro doesn’t even hold a candle to Madoka’s spectacle.

Now, back to the review.

Soon enough, the killings begin! ...In the form of really soft and boring deaths. Magipro is more of a competition in the beginning with the weakest link getting killed off. This is then revealed to the other girls by a couple people gathering info and sharing it around. They then complain by gathering in a chatroom and arguing with something that that is way too obviously a combination of Kyubey from Madoka and Monokuma from Danganronpa. Yawn. Where’s the drama? Someone just fucking DIED for fuck’s sake! Where’s the intensity?!

Alright, so eventually they start killing each other… it’s kinda nice, but also… I dunno, tame? No single fight nor death stuck out to me. There’s not much else to the show beyond magical girls killing each other, so you’d think this would be played up much more. Nah, no one had a crushingly brutal death, it’s more like they just lost in a fight and death was more of a side effect. I’d recommend seeing your doctor if you get a side effect of death, though. But there IS a lot of blood. Blood is fun, so the more there is, the better. One scene had multiple characters die in the same place, with blood splashing over some other characters. I jerked off to it. It was art.

One good thing about all the deaths is that they come at a pretty alarming rate. Perhaps it’s for the anime’s benefit that few people die in the early episodes, because that means multiple deaths in each episode later on. That’s when things get fun.

The way things play out can be interesting. Magical girls form pairs or teams, leading to tag-team fights and surprising betrayals. The drama is surprisingly decent, but it’s not too hard to throw in a bunch of crazy shit happening with a cast of sixteen characters. But still, it was nice to see certain bitches get double-crossed and some deaths can be unexpected. Except for… you know, the ones that happen about five minutes after someone’s backstory is revealed. Death flags are thrown around a lot, and that’s no fun. It’s like hearing what you’re gonna get for Christmas. I can’t be surprised about getting a PS4 and now Christmas sucks. Thanks, Trump.

The characters aren’t that good since they’re all meant to die anyway, but I still found myself rather amused by most of them. Many of them have their own idea of what it means to be a magical girl, and their access to power twists their mind a little. Say what you want about how bitchy Ruler is, she was one of the strongest characters. But none can compare to best girl TOPU SPEEDO. She wears a big witch hat and rides a broom. Everyone else go home. Anyway, the characters are just adequate--when the backstories are timed well, they’re actually pretty satisfying. Seeing a person’s life before their transformation and how much they’ve changed was interesting.

However, NONE of the above can be said about the main character, Snow White. She is an utterly atrocious character. There might as well have not been a lead, because she literally does jack shit besides cry, get upset, cry, lament about people dying, cry, and complain about her definition of being a magical girl not getting across to anyone else. Tough luck, bitch, go fucking murder people. I need to watch things die at a good safe distance, and you’re not helping. Why is she here? Can her parents please pick her up?
I mean, it’s cool that she’s the innocent character who cries about death all the time, but the fact that she isn’t even around for 80% of the time means she probably gets less screentime than several other people. Kinda hard to consider her the lead at this point. If she were at least part of the action and tried interfering with people every now and then, I could get behind her involvement, but I’m not joking when I say that she did nothing in the entire season. She makes Yukiteru Amano look like Yuno Gasai.

Their designs are pretty great for the most part and have a lot of detail and personality to them, but uh… what’s with all the fanservice? No, I’m not about to go “WAHHHH! THERE’S CLEAVAGE IN MY ANIME, MAKE IT STOP!!! WAAAAAAHHHH!!” It’s just weird when half the girls have big tits and wear super revealing and tight-fitting outfits to compliment their big tits, and the other half are practically flat and wear more creative and cutesy outfits. I don’t mind fanservice as a whole, and some sexuality is always expected, but goddamn, Magipro. Why don't you just dispense paper towels at the start of every episode? Top Speed still the hottest though. Get a witch hat, idiots.

But the best thing, of all things… are the names. Goddamn do these characters have beautiful names. Ripple. Calamity Mary. Winterprison. Hardgore Alice. Izetta the Last Witch. Holy fuck these are edgy. That’s so cool. I love them so much. I like edgy things because I like having fun every once in a while and don’t need to look mature by putting down teenage angst. I embrace it when it doesn’t go too far because it’s fun. Magipro is fun. It can afford to be a little edgier, though.

So, Magipro had some good moments. It ultimately delivered on its promise--a bunch of cute girls dying. It did what it was asked to, but didn’t exceed expectations nor disappoint. It was just a perfectly adequate job. Watching it was tiring at first, but I found myself having fun after a few slow episodes. In the end, that’s what matters, even if it could’ve been better. I recommend it for that, but I’m sure there are much better battle royales out there. Hell, I would actually say that Mirai Nikki is unironically better. Might need to put a trigger warning somewhere, though.
I gave it a 5 because that’s average. It’s not a low score, it’s the midpoint between 1 and 10. Don’t blame me for having “low scores” if you think 7.7 is “average”.

Oh, I guess I forgot the art and sound sections. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yep they exist. Alright, got that taken care of.

Story - 5/10
Art - 5/10
Sound - 5/10
Character - 5/10
Enjoyment - 5/10
Top Speed - 55/10
Overall - 5.5/10
Favorite character - PM me Top Speed hentai
Favorite episode - not 9 that’s for fucking sure
Recommendation level - Medium

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What’s worse: a consistently mediocre show, or a mediocre show that looked like it could’ve been a lot better? Whichever you prefer, Shoemaster no Izetta is the second option.

I’m not gonna sit here and pretend that Shuumatsu was, at any point, even a strong contender for anime of the season. I don’t feel particularly burned or let down by this show falling apart, but at the same time I can’t help but feel a little surprised: Two super hot main characters, one of them being a witch or magician, a story with historical context, a metal-based OP, and one of the best soundtracks of the year come together to form… a light 4. So, what the fuck happened?

To be honest, it wasn’t that anything really happened, it’s just that Shuumatsu put on a nice facade for a bit. That sounds like I’m stating the obvious, but hear me out: This anime was only good on a conceptual level. Beyond writing "MAGIC + WW2" down, the writing team had no idea what the fuck to do. There’s no singular element to Shuumatsu that makes it bad, it’s a consistent series of fuck-ups and bad writing that starts to become apparent after the story’s introduction.

Much of the conflict can be blamed on people being complete fucking idiots, and that’s never a good thing. When you have some pretty high stakes such as… I dunno, a WORLD WAR involved, it’s expected that the people have some sort of responsibility. This involves not discussing the weakness of someone who is single-handedly carrying you in the war, or even discussing this someone period, in broad fucking daylight. God forbid someone hears you and runs back to camp to tell all his friends about it for no reason... ... ... ... ... ...HEY WAIT A MINUTE

Another problem that becomes more apparent as time goes on is the absolute perfect perfectnicityness of the three lead characters: Izetta, Fine with an accent at the end, and Izetta’s Tits, which you better fuckin’ believe are fine with an accent at the end. These are the good guys, so they’re good people. They do absolutely nothing wrong and have no flaws whatsoever. Finemon is noble and brave and lives to defend the country she proudly leads. Everyone that’s not literally Hitler happily supports her. Izetta is the most OP being on the planet, and all she wants to do is use her power for good, which means indiscriminately killing shitloads of Nazis. Her entire character is that she totally wants a piece of dat Fine ass and will do virtually anything for it. She might be a little childish due to literally not having a life for the most part, which doesn’t really count as a flaw.

Meanwhile, the bad guys are Nazis. They do bad things because they’re the bad guys and that’s basically it. I suppose the real context of the antagonists can be summed up as “read a fucking book”, but it’s not like we’re getting actual historical figures in this anime. This isn’t Drifters. This is an original story with not-very-cleverly renamed things like “Germania” involving original characters. Original characters such as Smug Villain who is a villain that smiles in a smug fashion. He has a low voice and talks clearly but quietly while smiling in a smug fashion. Because he’s the bad guy.

Unyielding good versus unforgivable evil. It’s too obvious who you should root for. Tropes aren’t bad on their own, but too many of them will dumb things down and come off as boring, unless you can fully embrace them and use the best parts to tell a satisfying story. I’m describing ‘My Hero Academia’ for the record. Not that it’s related. But meanwhile, Shuumatsu is full of one-note, trope-y, flat basic bitches. Well, not Izetta. She’s not flat. She got some pretty big dynamics nahimean?

In short, despite the serious tone Shuumatsu puts off in its early moments, its story is far from mature. Even when nothing is happening, there’s still something wrong. Like, talking about pie for all eternity, or watching Izetta get molested by some creepy designer lady. I think that’s where they uh… Cross the Line, eh???? Goddamn that song is good.

Okay, so I’ve complained a lot about a show that’s based on a hot chick flying around on a gun. So let’s talk about that for a moment. For some reason, people defend bad writing and fanservice with “she’s riding a gun, it was stupid to begin with!” Just because something’s a little silly doesn’t mean all its faults are suddenly cleared. Like, what? It doesn’t even look or seem that silly. Not only is it cool as shit, but it brilliantly combines both the setting of war and the concept of magic. If anything, wearing a big hat and flying around on a broom would’ve been inappropriate.

But anyway, the battles themselves are actually pretty good. Izetta is OP as shit and just fucking destroys everything in her path. It’s a lot of fun seeing shit like that, and it’s not every day where you see tanks getting thrown around. But, of course, the stakes need to be raised at some point, so the enemy introduces… more magic. Aww… It’s kind of a bummer that they couldn’t stick with Magic vs. Military and had to make it Magic vs. Magic instead. Granted, the story’s timeline gives it very limited technology, but it would’ve been really cool to see the Germans--oh, sorry--the GERMANIANS (you know that's just Germany in Romanian, right? That's not a rename at all, those hacks!) develop some sort of weapon or even a clever strategy to level the playing field a bit, instead of just introducing more magic out of nowhere.
That said, when Izetta has finally met her match, things don’t go downhill. They get crushed, flattened, stomped on, pushed off a cliff, and dropped into the fucking ocean. Shit gets real FAST and that made me appreciate the evil side a lot more.

Nothing’s animated too well, though. Izetta flying around looks quite nice, and let me compliment the character designs one more time because they’re outstanding. But, as expected, the larger animations such as large objects getting tossed around or a collection of swords slicing around… they’re CG. The CG itself isn’t particularly good nor bad, but combined with normal 2D animation, it looks kinda weird and took me out of the experience a little. I don’t remember anything being terrible, though. The general style is very common despite the obscure studio--if you told me this was by A-1 Pissants or J.C. Staff, I wouldn't have questioned it.

The soundtrack on the other hand… now there’s a hidden gem. The mystical, magical music in the back with a rock influence, particularly with Izetta’s fight scenes, holy shit it’s brilliant. It felt a little overdone, though. Exposition could be going on, and the composer’s still going apeshit with dark, jittery, and mysterious music as if the most amazing plot twist’s about to happen. Still, I’m gonna be downloading thi--I mean purchasing this soundtrack in a very legal manner when it releases to the public. And the credits themes were equally outstanding. ‘Cross the Line’ has one of the most hype-inducing introductions of the entire year, and its piercing metal sound kept me on my toes the whole way through. The epic piano ballad used as the ED is equally mesmerizing despite being basically the exact opposite sound.

Would I recommend Izetta: The Last Witch? Given the interesting premise, I might. After all, an anime with historical context always draws in an audience. 'member Joker Game? Talk about awkward! Anyway, just be warned. You’re not getting a very intricately-written story. It has some good moments for sure, but more often than not you’ll want to rip your hair out. Come in mostly for the fights and the occasional charm. And don’t forget the boobies. Hooray for boobies.

Story - 3/10
Art - 6/10
Sound - 9/10
Character - 2/10
Enjoyment - 4/10
Izetta - Fine/10
Overall - 4.25/10 (Score range: 3.5-5.0)
Favorite episode - 1
Favorite character - Izetta’s Ettas
Recommendation level - Medium

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Bungou Sleigh Bells returns just in time for the holidays. And just like that, I’m already out of holiday puns.

To be honest, following Bambi Stray Dogs throughout the season was a surprisingly difficult task. Not just because of the weird and scattered narrative, but also because Crunchyroll changed its release schedule at least thirty-five times, just like the number of people Kyouka killed. So, my recollection of this series, which I only finished watching about twelve minutes ago, is rather hazy.

Looking back at the first cour from the spring, Stray Doggos was a decent time that seemed to have some sort of identity crisis. It had fun characters with crazy powers and an interesting concept with the main cast being a group of detectives rivaled against a mafia, but the story took some sharp turns in conflicting directions and was plagued by slapstick comedy about as appropriately-timed as someone’s ringtone of ACDC’s ‘Highway to Hell’ going off in the middle of their father-in-law’s funeral. Hey, I found it funny. Can’t say the same for the guy’s wife, though.

Now, the question everyone wants to know: Does the second season improve on the first in this regard?

Eh…

Like the first season, Stray Puppers makes a strong first impression. It kicks off with a prequel focused on Dazai and has a more dark and consistent tone despite Dazai being the silliest character of the series. Yet, even this gets tiring after a couple episodes.
For some reason, the arc stops focusing on Dazai, the fan-favorite of the series, and instead moves the spotlight to a guy who’s name I don’t know, because he wasn’t even in the first season. Who the hell’s this guy? Why should I care about him? He’s not particularly interesting beyond having one of the coolest powers of the series: a premonition-based power that activates when he’s about to die so that he can avoid it. The way Studio Bones visualizes it is entrancing. But the guy himself isn’t worth cheering for, because you know exactly how the arc is going to end. The point is that Dazai leaves the Port Mafia due to the events in this arc. A little clarification is nice to have for Dazai’s past, but did it need last a third of the cour?
Imagine watching this on a binge. You clear twelve episodes in a day or two. You’re finally invested in the people in the Armed Detective Agency and are excited about seeing the story evolve. Then, without warning, the anime cuts to new characters loosely related to the overall narrative and focuses on them instead, without looking back at the past season or even reassuring you that they’ll be back. I’d imagine it’d be a little strange.

Of course, after a few episodes the anime returns the spotlight to Sushi Guy, who got kicked out of thirty-five orphanages. The comedy doesn’t cut through everything as sharply and it introduces a new group of villains on top of the already-established Port Mafia, creating a three-sided war. It’s pretty interesting… but I could never connect much with the villains. Many of the people in this season just show up and leave after a couple episodes, and the shifting focus on Bucko’s myriad characters can make it hard to follow. It did for me, especially given that Pokemon Moon absorbed about a month of my life. Praise Mimikyu.

The more serious plotline leaves less room for characters to dick around all day, so there aren’t a lot of funny, memorable moments like there were with the first season, and no one really changes. With the first season, I thought Atsushi was a decent lead character who had a lot of room to develop, and I was interested in seeing that happen in the second. Nope. He still acts like a bitch all the time--in fact, his bitchiness seems to have increased somehow, because the slightest of mistakes will trigger the Naruto-level repetitive flashback of thirty-five people kicking him out of an orphanage. Yeah, that didn’t stop happening either. I’m not even sure why he’s the main character. Everyone else hypes up his tiger-transforming power as if it’s the most impressive thing in the world, but it’s actually not when he gets his ass kicked by literally everyone, just like how he got kicked out of an orphanage. And although he has the determined, ambitious attitude of a common anime lead, his reduced screentime makes it even more difficult to justify his placement in the series.
Kyouka, who killed thirty-five people, is a gem from the first season that also deserved some more polish. Eh… She develops a little more, which is nice, but I can’t say that anything about her is remarkable aside from her gorgeous character design, but frankly that can be said for basically everyone else. She’s the cute, quiet girl who’s trying to fit in. There’s nothing else to say about her, besides the fact that she got kicked out of thirty-five people, which makes the end of the season pretty hilarious. They try setting up a big emotional moment even though she was almost as useless as Sushiman.

The highlight of Bouncy is the fights, for sure. I wasn’t too interested in the powers from the first season beyond the incredible diversity, but this season introduces a new cast inspired by Western authors with matching abilities. My favorite was probably the last one, ‘The Great Fitzgerald’, which powers up the user depending on how much money they have and are willing to spend. Obviously there’s no real logic behind this or most other powers, but it’s still creative and a lot of fun, and that’s what counts.

Production’s about the same, not much that’s new to comment on. The art is as good as it was from the first season because based Bones, though I don’t know how often they used blank faces back then. For some reason, most scenes will just remove people’s faces entirely when they’re at a distance. I somewhat appreciate the artistic approach here, but it just looks strange.

Taku Iwasaki still remains a mixed bag to me, some of the backing music sounds hype as hell, and some of it sounds like he put a randomizer on some music studio on his computer. The opening song isn’t as good as GRANRODEO’s ‘Trash Candy’, which for me is one of my favorite’s this year, but SCREEN mode did a pretty nice job regardless. The accompanying animation wasn’t very memorable, but still appreciable because there are three different sequences, with the first two only showing up for a single episode. The ED sounds familiar because it’s by the same band who did the first season’s; it’s as good for me because its slow start makes for a great transition, and the moderate energy of the song makes it a good way to end an action-based show. Strong marks for this. Insert joke about Kyouka murdering people for consistency.

Overall, this second season of Gumball improved the show somewhat, but still opened up some new holes. It’s like sitting on a nice boat in the middle of a lake, but then you notice a hole, and now the boat’s sinking. You cover up the hole with your hands, but then another hole opens somewhere else, and it just keeps repeating. You can’t cover them all because you only have two hands and there are thirty-five holes. And the boat’s actually an orphanage.

Story - 5/10
Art - 7/10
Sound - 7/10
Characters - 5/10
Enjoyment - 5/10
People killed by Kyouka - 35/10
Overall - 5.0 (Score range: 4.0-6.0)
Recommendation level - Medium

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Tell me, dear reader, why do you think this series is called Orange? Is it because of the symbolic orange juice from episode three? Is it because the main character’s hair looks rather orange in the sunlight? Both are interesting and passable theories, but I would like to present my own:

It’s because the main character has the intelligence of an orange.

Orange is one of those common scenarios where the show starts off pretty well but then fizzles out towards the end, but not really because it has strong drama in the beginning that falls apart later--in fact, the first episodes are not particularly overwhelming. But rather, Orange was natural, organic, and fresh with its cast and even its setting, until the latter half of the series, where things don’t exactly fall off the tree altogether… they just grow rotten.

FRUIT PUNS.

Time travel is a difficult concept to tackle; it’s a quick attention-grabber that will draw in a large audience, but screwing it up just a little bit can cause all hype to ERASE. I was skeptical of Orange’s concept myself, for these questions.

1. Why do the people in this anime have the ability to send letters into the past when their only life problem seems to be losing a single friend? Why not give it to the MC of 91 Days so that he can prevent his parents from getting shot? I think that guy deserves it a little more.
2. How does it work? Are there certain limitations, such as what you can and can’t send? Can you send yourself a bunch of money and tell yourself to put it in the bank to be super rich in the future and not start getting into cocaine early on? Maybe if the latter happens, you can send a bomb and just end it quickly. Wait, would killing yourself in the past count as suicide? ...Sorry, I’ll get back to the point.
3. Why are they using this amazing gift just to potentially save someone’s life instead of something more noble and grand, such as preventing a massive tragedy, like the death of Harambe? Or Berserk fans?

The last question isn’t exactly a criticism of what goes on in the story, just a point that this concept could be used in way more interesting ways.

Plus, this concept just leaves a weird taste in my mouth. Future Naho has a bunch of friends surrounding her, a great husband, and a beautiful child… so she thinks “this fucking sucks” and just writes to herself in the past so she can change it? Alright. Granted, this is somewhat remedied in the future, but it’s pretty far down the line so this kinda bugged me for a while.

On a bit of a plus, the concept of the time travel letters was done pretty well for a while. It makes a lot of sense for Naho to be skeptical of them at first, because Future Naho apparently hadn’t considered that it's at least slightly weird to say that she's her from the future and that she knows all this shit that's gonna happen. So, naturally, Naho ignores the first thing or two, and there are consequences to obeying or disobeying the letters, but these consequences aren’t usually seen right away. This is great! It's not a quick and obvious story, therefore reducing predictability. They also naturally cause a chain reaction, with the influence of certain, early decisions continuing to make an impact many episodes deep into the show.

But eventually, the reader of a time travelled letter is gonna figure out that it’s not bullshit and start obeying every rule made; therefore, there can’t be any drama for disobeying them because there’s no disobeying to be done. How is this overcome in Orange?

Well, to being with, the main character, Naho, is--and let’s be reasonable here--a complete fizzlefuck with a brain having the consistency of mashed potatoes. I mean, my Arceus, her social ineptness goes to the point where I considered her to have some sort of mental deficit. She kinda sort of maybe tries to possibly form a relationship or so with Kakeru, the person she and her much more socially competent friends are trying to save, but when it comes to actually doing anything, her awkwardness and clumsiness don’t help out much, if at all. It comes off as normal at first, sure, but there doesn’t seem to be any learning curve over the course of the series--if anything, her incompetence goes up.

A bigger problem is the weird lack of drama in this show. Since the letters lay the plot out perfectly, there’s not much room for drama outside of Naho having a mushy brain. Naho needs a good rival. Someone who comes in to swoop Kakeru awa--oh wait, that actually happens! For a brief moment. The drama caused by That One Bitch (that’s her name) is cleaned up pretty quickly because of the letters, and then she disappears from the show completely. I wish she didn’t, and that the drama wasn’t solved so quickly. Having some sort of dramatic subplot would’ve been a nice break from the constant focus of the letters--or even better, someone could potentially steal the letters and use them against them instead. Wouldn’t that be something.

The other problem with the drama and the time travel is the character of Kakeru. He’s… boring. Too boring. In fact, the only personality trait he seems to have is that he’s depressed. This is the guy who needs to be saved, the person everything in the show revolves around, but I don't actually care about him that much. Just because a character is depressed doesn’t mean I’ll automatically like them. I like to be entertained. I want characters to be fun or interesting in some way. Someone is depressed and gloomy all the time? Oh. Well, have fun being sad, I guess. Just slapping the trait of depression on someone seems like a really lazy way to write an emotional story.

And since this is a romance anime, guess what? The two most boring characters in the show, Naho and Kakeru, are supposed to get together. You can kinda imagine how this goes, even moreso with Naho’s clumsiness. But see, that doesn’t bother me too much. I could just not really care about that shipping in the end. But it bothers me instead, because Future Naho’s husband, Suwa, is a major character in this show, who has feelings for her. This is a WAY better ship, because Suwa is a much more interesting character than Cockeru and actually does things other than be depressed. He was someone I was actually rooting for in the end. And I'm not alone--go on forums, go on Reddit. Many other people were rooting for Suwa in the end. When you have a show that’s destined to pair two characters together, but the audience is rooting for a different possibility that completely contradicts the story… that’s not a good thing.

And the explanation of the time travel… holy shit. Maybe they call it Orange because that's what Makise Kurisu would be shitting if she heard about this. Remember when in ERASED, it was a problem that they never explained the main character’s power? Now I feel like it might’ve been for the better, because Orange is so painfully dumb with its own idea that I wish they didn’t share it at all. I’m not sure if it’s a spoiler to post it or not, but it involves a really basic urban legend, and… nothing. That’s it. Someone in Future Naho’s group of friends connects it to a completely random class they had once (which was actually shown, to be fair), because everyone remembers random classes they had ten years ago, and… nothing. That’s it. They all completely believe this crazy legend that has absolutely no conclusive proof to it, and apparently make a huge effort to take a vacation wherever they need to go in order to perform it. The fact that it actually works annoys me, I wish these fuckers got lost at sea trying to attempt this stupid plan.

But if there’s any consolation, it’s not until very close to the end of the series where they actually explain this, so it isn’t a huge focus. It’s just kinda there to say that there’s a reason for it to work, I guess, even if that reason is retarded.

Enough of the negatives for now, though. Why was I a little impressed with the show at first, outside of the concept? Because it sells its setting, and to an extent it’s characters (despite what I said), very well. It’s a school, which automatically sounds generic, but it really feels like an actual high school. There’s always something going on, some people talking and moving and doing something in the background. Just a few details like some random stock characters saying a couple lines make it feel lively. And Naho’s group of friends really seem like a group of people who are friends. They each have great chemistry with each other, teasing each other by saying a bunch of dumb shit and playing off of their lines, always having a good time and being there for each other. The people not named Nah, Ho and Cock-a-doodle-do are quite fun to watch and breathe a lot of life into Orange’s natural environment.

However, Orange is not completely tinted Orange, so it gets a 1/10 in the art department. But it does, at least, have some pretty strong lighting; that’s what stands out to me the most in the early episodes, as there isn’t a whole lot to do in terms of animation or even character design, which is about average… in the early episodes. Later on, the show almost completely falls apart at points, with character models looking completely sloppy, like the studio only had five minutes to animate the episode. After all, TMS Entertainment did like every show this season that J.C. Staff didn’t have a hand in, or something. But, it’s still driven forward by what I said about the environment being lively, with a lot of things going on in the back.

The soundtrack wasn’t memorable at all, though. By episode four, I wrote a note saying “every song is acoustic guitar” and didn’t seem to keep track of it beyond that. Oh. The OP is okay, though… I don’t like the singer very much, but the song is very mellow and pretty well-written. The ED is pretty boring with its even more mellow, dreary tone, but it at least has some decent art of the gang together. And there aren’t any post-credit scenes, so it’s easy to skip anyway.

I recommend Orange to those looking for teenage melodrama, but do know that it’s not too interesting due to its overall lack of drama and really basic motivations for the characters. Perhaps if you’re into time travel and some consequences of it, Orange kinda taps into that, but not too much. I do wish they could’ve done with the letters…

Other than that, Orange was… eh. It was okay, I guess. It wasn’t horrible; I’m not even sure if I can say that it was flat-out bad. I wish a lot more could’ve been done, though. It plays itself almost unconfidently, with its basic lead characters and lack of drama. It’s too safe.

Story - 5/10
Art - 5/10
Sound - 4/10
Character - 4/10
Entertainment - 4/10
Juice - Tangy/10
Overall - 4.25/10 (Range: 3.75-5.5)
Favorite episodes - 1, 3
Favorite character - Suwa
Recommendation level - Medium-low

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Since Rewrite is a visual novel by Key, a lot of people will compare it to the likes of Clannad, Angel Beats, Air Cannons, etc. But, I propose some new comparisons.

1. Shitcom, because both are pretty shit comedies.
2. The sensation of hitting your head against a brick wall for six hours.

If you enjoy either of these, then Rewrite might be the perfect show for you. Otherwise, I consider it one of the worst anime of 2016: a fucky jambalaya of overdesigned characters, dumb memes, and a plot that was probably written by someone putting a bunch of sticky notes on a dartboard and writing in whatever they threw at.

Before I go on, let me just say that I don’t give a flying fuck about how good the visual novel is or isn’t. I don’t care what purpose this anime serves to it, whether to be some sort of adaptation, if you can even call it that, or just a teaser meant to advertise it, whatever. I’m just reviewing the anime the same way I review any other anime: like a little dickbag who isn’t good at anything els--I mean, independent of any other source material. I did not at all write a Shokugeki review comparing it to the manga to contradict myself and then delete it out of embarrassment.

So if you’re not very familiar with Key’s works, here’s how they generally go: The MC is an everyday normal guy with just enough wit to keep him from being 100% beta, but not enough substance to put him above the level of a general self-insert. He goes to a weird school filled with even weirder people (mostly overly-designed cutesy girls) with some maddeningly strange characteristics. Various shenanigans occur for a few episodes until the plot finally comes in, or maybe there’s one to begin with but doesn’t have much of a focus yet.

If you can’t tell, I’m not a fan of these Key guys who think it’s funny to put their logo on every coffee can in every episode of every show. The way they tell their stories is very jarring because of their spontaneous, bombastic sense of humor. Half the time, I can’t tell if they’re trying to make a teenage melodrama, or if they’re trying to make a dinnertime cartoon sitcom for dummies. It's an uncomfortable mixture of both, like ketchup and mac and cheese. Since they like to dick around with their storytelling, things can get rushed and/or confusing in the end.

These things are increased thousandfold in Rewrite.

There is no plot in Rewrite. None. It pretends to have one in the second half, but the “twist” being that something is actually happening comes out so half-heartedly that the writers seem disappointed in themselves that they can’t write in as many dank maymays into their show. Instead… eh. There are monsters, eh. People are fighting, eh. The world is gonna die, eh. FEECOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoops, there goes Rewrite being funny again xDDDD!

Don’t believe me? Here’s part of MAL’s synopsis, albeit fanmade by MAL Rewrite (that joke is funnier than anything else in this show):
"Equipped with the superhuman ability to permanently rewrite any part of his body to multiply his strength or speed, Kotarou is naturally drawn to the supernatural."

You know when this Rewrite ability is shown for the first time? Episode fucking four. Not one. Four. And, as usual, the story just reveals it as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. No prior hints for him having this power, no explanation as to how or why he has it, nothing. And that synopsis isn’t even accurate, because it's not just about increasing strength. At one point, he “rewrites” his body to resist poison. What else can he do? Resist age? Resist death? Become invisible? Triple the size of his dick? You know, that would be a good power to have in a massive waifu war such as Rewrite. I think there was a hugely missed opportunity here.

Other people have powers too. Just because. And there are shitty CG monsters sometimes. Just because. Eh. It’s all part of the hilariously goofy fun that is the Whatever Club at Whatever High School!

The real plot towards the end turns out to be some environmental awareness campaign. People are assholes and don’t take care of the planet, so other people need to out-asshole them and activate a thing that will kill everyone so that the planet can live. I don’t know how this is supposed to tie into the main character having the ability to theoretically give himself the neck of Alolan Exeggutor. Maybe there’s a reason somewhere that I missed, but it’s a little hard to follow along when the show tries to adapt every possible waifu route in the game while playing catch-up with the plot because that took forever to come in and now it needs to do 3,000 things at once if it wants to wrap up in time. Except the plot took so long to come in that I lost interest before it even happened. Maybe this show should’ve had a rewrite, eh? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh???

And at the end of the day, what did this amount to? A dead end. Literally. The ending is not satisfying, as it’s apparently just one route of many, leading me to wonder what the point of all of this even was. Was it to introduce the characters? Anything could’ve done that within a couple episodes; to say an entire thirteen-episode season can be dedicated to that would be an outright lie. Is it to introduce the setting? Kazamatsuri has basically no focus at all. I know that it’s a big place and kinda environmental-friendly. My fucking bedroom could've been a more interesting setting, because at least I have Big Order posters. Is it to explain the conflict of the show? Well, it only took them until at least six episodes for them to reveal that there was any conflict in the first place, so… no. It’s all a bunch of mush, and I’m not quoting whatever that pink sheep dog thing was. It tries to please both visual novel readers and newcomers by adapting the visual novel with an anime-original route that tells a complete story while also introducing a story. I don't even know what the fuck that means, but it failed at all of it.

Key should just make their own Nichijou. A show where nothing happens, everything is stupid, and it’s funny as hell. Make something like that to satisfy their own sense of humor, so that maybe they can tell a compelling story and find a way for someone to get attached to its characters beyond humorous interactions. Ha ha, Kagari likes coffee and calls it "feecof"!! What a deep character!!!
As everyone will write in every review for every comedy anime in the world: comedy is subjective. Not everyone is going to love it or get it, so making the characters more like a bunch of running jokes in the midst of a deep melodrama might not be the best idea. When they fed me a character's sob story, my reaction wasn't "Oh no, how sad! I'm emotionally invested now!", it was "Wait, I was supposed to take this seriously?" The usual nonsense that follows a sad moment leads me to believe that I had the right idea.

I can admit that the show was a little funny at times. It was. There was about… one gag per episode that got a laugh out of me. For about four episodes. Because within those first few episodes, I was still somewhat invested in the show. I thought everything would make sense in the end, that something was gonna happen at any moment that would tie everything together and make me believe the show was actually a work of genius. But then it never happened, and even still I was trapped, because I was at a point where I was in too far to pull out and cut my losses. I needed to see it to the end, so I could at least splash more salt than Arataka Reigen. Perhaps that was the point, just to lure everyone in and keep them thinking that, someday, it’ll all come together and make sense, only for them to post a note at the end saying “lol fuk u idiot”. If so, congrats Rewrite, Key, Studio 8bit, you totally PRANK’D me bro!! XDDDDDdddeDdDdrefzdfxff

Ah, it’s like someone probably once said, a good piece of entertainment is one that leaves the viewer thinking. Rewrite leaves me thinking that I should’ve died in that car wreck I had last year.

I don’t know who the fuck this 8bit studio is, and given the art of this show and that their most popular work is Infinite Stratos, it seems I haven’t missed out on anything. Rewrite looks terrible. Not even because of the mediocre studio, but even designs imported from the visual novel. Who in the name of Lady Gaga designed the school uniforms in this show? What kind of cruel monster would subjugate these poor girls to this kind of torture? They all have to wear these extremely overdesigned, uncomfortable-looking dresses with skirts and sleeves that you could drive a truck into despite the torso clinging to their tits like a wet washcloth. Isn’t that nice? No, they don’t look cute in the slightest, they look like they take a half-hour to actually put on. And I’m sorry to disappoint everyone, but I’m not really into fucking the wrappers of strawberry-and-creme hard candies. But, whatever fetish you relish.

The animation is mediocre, which for the most part isn’t a problem, but for some reason the anime becomes an action series with a bunch of fights, and then it’s a problem. Even worse is that there are a bunch of weird supernatural beasts in the second half of the show, and while they have an interestingly jaded color scheme, they’re done in really poor CG. At other times, it’s inconsistent, such as the way they animate Kagari. Do her ribbons move around with a mind of their own, or don’t they? I dunno, I guess whatever key animator 8bit hired for that episode gets to decide that. No particular positives about the art can make up for the big negatives; the only things possibly worth mentioning are that the OP’s and ED’s look surprisingly good, and that maybe the character designs are okay, but as you can expect from a visual novel full of girls, some of them are gonna look strange, like Shizuru and Kotori.

I guess I should also mention some of the voice acting, because Hana Kanasamanawamallama voiced the main loli girl. Apparently that means it’s good. Not really, because her role didn’t have anything impressive about it, but at least her voice is nice to hear. Otherwise, the soundtrack was decent; it never felt spectacular and most of the time it was pretty average, but there were some good, emotional or light-hearted tracks here and there, especially when (and this is weird to say) Kotaro was about to grope Akane, they played the VN's OP. Nice. The OP’s and ED’s were all pretty decent as well, though not impressive either.

Do I need to say anything else? Don't watch this anime, no matter what sort of relationship you have with the source material. This anime sucks. The story sucks. The idea of it sucks. The way it’s told sucks. The people who are in it suck. Hell, the people that made it probably suck too. Maybe I’ll join Gaia. Not because I care about the planet, but because, sometimes, I just feel that a lot of people dying would fix things. Kefka did nothing wrong. Get well soon, Maeda-san.

Story - 1/10
Art - 3/10
Sound - 6/10
Character - 2/10
Enjoyment - 1/10
Memes - Aboutaslifelessasharambe/10
Overall - 1.25/10 (Range - 1-2)
Favorite episodes - 0
Favorite characters - Akane’s Boobs
Recommendation level - no

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Being some sort of antisocial, misanthropic millennial fuckwad, I have this sort of mentality where I believe that reproducing humans is stupid, children are awful human beings that are completely useless and unlikable until the ripe age of “get a job you fucking bum”, and being a parent sounds like the absolute worst thing that could happen to me right now.

And therefore, I am here to tell you that Sweetness & Lightning, a slice-of-life about a father and his young daughter, is one of the best anime of the entire year.

Let’s get the overused joke of the season out of the way. “This show is so incredibly sweet!” Yeah, that’s fucking great, but why? Well, Amaama comes with a lot of heart, with a concept that’s not only realistic but also relatable perhaps, as it’s about a dad struggling to care for his daughter after the mother passed away because reasons. The dad does his best, but his job makes him busy all the time, and the daughter is just a sweet little girl who does sweet little girl things like watch dumb magical girl shows, say weird things that make no sense, and hate eating vegetables. The dad, Kouhei, is a good and caring parent for the most part, but has one severe flaw, which is being unable to cook, so this show is about fixing that. But Amaama also has an optimistic view on this scenario, as Tsumugi, the daughter, will be sick of eating something and not finish a meal, but still play it off as being full because she understands that she doesn’t have any other options.

This is not a fierce melodrama. After watching the first episode, I had to consider that the show could’ve become intensely emotional very easy, but it also looked like it was just gonna be a happy little slice-of-life cooking anime with a parenting theme behind it, with only small amounts of drama sprinkled throughout. It’s the latter… and I’m okay with that, because the basics of the show are shown so beautifully in the first episode, which was what I believe to be the best pilot episode of the season. The small details in the personalities of Kouhei, Tsumugi, and Kotori, the things that are shown instead of told (such as the leftover meal thing I mentioned), all with a very charming presentation by TMS Entertainment.

The show does get pretty repetitive, I’ll give it that. The show does get pretty repetitive, I’ll give it that. I’ll give it that. And I do kinda wish there was a little more drama between Kouhei and Tsumugi to compensate for that, but personally I didn’t mind the repetition because I watched it weekly on Crunchyroll™, your #1 source for anime and drama, now teaming up with Funimation™ to bring you more than ever!! So, having just a small dose of this heavy cuteness each week made it very tame for me. It never got old, and I looked forward to it each new week, though when the episode ended I didn’t feel the insane need for the next episode. Even now that it’s over… eh. I’m alright with that. If they make another season, that’s cool. If they don’t, it was fun.

But back to repetitiveness as an issue. It is still an issue, a little bit, and I still think that more of the character drama would be nice, because that’s probably what I liked most out of the show. Episode 7 was particularly outstanding because it had a big conflict, with the cooking aspect of the show not having much of a prevalence as it usually does. But usually, the episode will have something going on with Tsumugi, whether it’s an event at school or she just generally wants something, and the rest of the episode will be about making a meal out of whatever can tie into that. Since it’s a slice of life, there’s no story progression to be had, so it’s something that needs good characters in order to keep me coming back.

...and it totally does. I think everyone would love to have a daughter like Tsumugi; even me, the 20-year-old deadbeat who wants to drop kick every child that runs around his workplace. I work at 2AM, WHERE DO THEY KEEP COMING FROM?! PUT YOUR FUCKING KIDS TO SLEEP!! FOREVER!!!!!!
*ahem*
That said, Tsumugi is very idealized because this show needs to be pleasant to watch. While she’s adorable and playful and excitable and kind (OR I GUESS YOU COULD SAY… SWEET!!! AHHAAHAHAHAHA), her only flaws are generally the same flaws a normal little kid would have. She get mad and cries over really petty things, like someone making the retarded assumption that she stole someone’s Play-Doh. That kid was an asshole. Fuck that kid. No pedo tho. She doesn’t like eating vegetables, and sometimes she’ll get inappropriately mad in public. I guess I don’t need to mention that she’s five years old, or somewhere around that age. Still, for the sake of fun, I don’t mind that she’s not entirely realistic.

Kouhei, on the other hand, is much more realistic, being a dad who struggles a bit to care for his daughter without his wife. Watching him try really hard and act optimistically was really endearing to watch, and the basics of his character make him easy to root for. Each episode has a good payoff when he finishes cooking and the characters eat and react to it positively. And Kouhei stays humble, he’s not an over-the-top character who bursts with excitement whenever something good happens. It’s just a normal, but very genuine happiness. Tsumugi’s the one who should be exaggerated.

Kotori is more of a third wheel in terms of development, as her role is to basically support Kouhei and Tsumugi with their cooking, and just generally be the best waifu of the season. (If any of you fucking say Rem I will shove your fucking head into a trash compactor where your shit waifus belong.) It’s still great to watch her, ‘cuz she’s like an emotional weirdo who really really really wants dat sensei D or something, and so she gets worked up over whatever dilemma either Kouhei or Tsumugi have. She’s basically a replacement mother here.

I also wanna bring up Yagi, even though he’s a very minor character who only shows up in about half the episodes. But it was always great to see him because he’s more mature and very deadpan. Since Amaama just oozes with love and peppiness and excitement, it’s nice to have a character that kinda balances everything out without taking away from the mood. He’s still a nice guy and goes along with whatever’s happening around him, he just presents a much more different mood. He’s also followed around by Shinobu for some reason, making them fun to watch as some weird couple.

With all of the light-heartedness of Amaama to Inazuma, TMS Entertainment compliments it with a softer color palette and consistently good animation; at no point did I think it was particularly outstanding, but it still features some well-timed sakuga with some character reactions and cooking. The overall design of the backgrounds and characters are about average, but also as good as you could want them to be. However, Tsumugi in particular has the best hair of 2016. There’s no contest to this, and if there is, you can shut it down right now because everyone has been absolutely blown the fuck out. I highly respect anyone with curly hair, especially if that hair is basically the size of their entire body. She’ll put that hair into twin-tails a lot of the time, which is especially cute, moe, kawaii, and other synonyms. Tsumugi’s entire design, especially with her childish expressions, just scream moe for the entire world to hear.

The sound is equally exceptional, being very soft and gentle with few instruments being used, and it’s implemented quite well. For instance, in the first episode, Kouhei and Tsumugi run through an alley, and it’s a rather intense scene for this show, but only an acoustic guitar is playing, and it sets the rather sad mood perfectly. The OP, honestly, isn’t my kind of thing to listen to, though I didn’t skip it much. It’s just another peppy, happy song that anyone could expect to hear in a sweet slice-of-life such as this. I like the ED, though, it sounds touching, hopeful, and slightly emotional, and the stylish illustrations to visualize it made for a beautiful cap on every episode.
The voice acting is pretty solid as well, with great performances all-around in the main cast. Tsumugi is especially great because she was actually voiced by a child, something that isn’t done enough. Granted, Rina Endou is a few years older, but she still sounded completely real. Tsumugi actually sounds like a goddamn child, and that’s fantastic.

Overall, I really loved Sweetness and Lightning and didn’t mind its few flaws. At its worst, it was a repetitive moe slice-of-life Shokugeki no Soma that was still fun in its own right, and at its best it was a phenomenal character story with some moments so sweet that you could rot out all of Willy Wonka’s teeth. ...oh wait, Gene Wilder died. Shit.

I most certainly would recommend this to anyone in the mood for a slice-of-life that they would only watch in small doses instead of binging in one day, and anyone who wants an anime with a parenting theme. Though I also wouldn’t recommend it if you’re looking for drama, because this doesn’t exactly have enough of it, even if it is good.

But I can’t end this review without leaving a very important message…………… Watch out for sharks!!

Story - 8
Art - 8
Sound - 8
Character - 9
Enjoyment - 9
Sweetness - PROTECT TSUMUGI
Overall - 8.25/10 (Range: 6-8.5)
Favorite episodes - 1, 7, 12
Favorite character - Kotori
Recommendation level - High

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