Critique my rap lyrics for my song "Schizophrenia"

Jul 20, 2019 11:42 PM

Offline

Jul 2018

564612

(I don't actually have schizophrenia. This is a fictional story)
Be as critical as possible. I'm damn hard on myself, seeing as how this is my 5th draft.
Intro:
My name’s Jake Adams, and this is my story

Verse 1:
The Higurashi are crying as always
I’ve been hearing nothing but voices all day
To my sanity, I say sayonara
I’m going crazy like Keiichi Maebara
I’m in a time loop, distrusting my friends
Which is why I’m unable to comprehend
Syd Barrett helps, but not antipsychotics
Mind’s A Saucerful Of Secrets. Agnostic
But I pray, I may be going psychotic
Growing in my mind seeds of doubt that are toxic
Money tree’s been smashed to the ground
Time is money, and I’m getting a discount

Pre-chorus:
It all started small. First, it was just noises
Then it became voices now my life’s joyless
I am seeing things that don’t even exist
As the pendulum swings I resist

Hook (2x)
I’m not worthless I’m not worthless
I do not know what I must do
Someone save me, please!
Shut up shut up shut up!

Verse 2:
My friend invited me to a party for his birthday
I thought, “okay” but it was a cursed day
When I walk into the room it’s All Eyez On Me
Like 2pac, I’m hot-headed. The way things seem
It’s Me Against The World I wanna hurl
Maybe I should go get help like my girl
The demons, I’m able to feel them, they’re real
Even when I eat my meal they’re schemin a deal
As I took wine voices said it was asinine
They wanted me dead in an acid mine
My glass fell, friend asked if I was okay
Demons spoke loud, my hearing was betrayed
Demons said, “he hates you”, “shut up” I yelled out loud
“What?” my friend asked, raising his eyebrows
As the crowd stared at me, the demons spoke
“Worthless, no one’s proud of you, you’re broke”
I went home, feeling a cold sweat on my neck
Laid down, stared at the ceiling, smoked a cigarette
Phone rang, demons said, “They know who you are”
“Don’t answer”, but I answered the call
Barely heard with the voices ringing in my head
It was my friend, asking me if I was okay, I said,
“Yeah.” I didn’t know how to explain the demons
He’d think I lost my mind like Jesus
I hung up, and thought about getting help
I didn’t want my mind to go to Hell

Pre-chorus:
It all started small. First, it was just noises
Then it became voices now my life’s joyless
I am seeing things that don’t even exist
As the pendulum swings I resist

Hook (2x)
I’m not worthless I’m not worthless
I do not know what I must do
Someone save me, please!
Shut up shut up shut up!

Jul 20, 2019 11:50 PM

deg

Offline

Jan 2009

92511

i do not know how that ryhmes but as a schizophrenic the symptoms presented are good enough

Jul 20, 2019 11:57 PM

removed-user

Offline

Jul 2018

564612

deg said:
i do not know how that ryhmes

What do you mean? Could you please elaborate?

Jul 21, 2019 12:12 AM

deg

Offline

Jan 2009

92511

HopefulNihilist said:

deg said:
i do not know how that ryhmes

What do you mean? Could you please elaborate?

nah nevermind im no english native speaker or even at least fluent in english to know if it can ryhme like a rap

Jul 21, 2019 3:52 AM

Yarub

Offline

Aug 2012

6210

Drop the rap and turn this into some emo rock or metal core song.

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Critique my rap lyrics for my song "Schizophrenia"

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