Why is it so hard to make genuine connection and friendships these days?

@Auron friends are easy to replace too if there are plenty of potential replacements so loyal genuine friends becomes rare or in other words shallow friendship is whats in demand at least in the internet

scarcity is what makes something high value same with friendship imo

there is also the problem of overchoice

@LittleOwlbear no i do not mean any superficial reasons only, i meant all reasons like the ones you claim here

@deg

It's just easier nowadays to get away from people, who are unhealthy to you and don't bring joy to your life. Especially if you don't live on the countryside and you got more than enough option to decide who you wanna spend your time with.
I had toxic friendships in the past and exactly that has been my thought process: why should I endure this, when I could have healthy friendships with other people?
Also time is valuable today (and my alone time is also very important to me) and so I gonna decide which contact I value the most to spend time with on a more regular basis.

It's not like you portray it tho. Most people don't "exchange" their old friends to new ones for no reasons at all, or for very superficial reasons.

I agree with LOB Here.

@deg Not to really gatekeep or impose a specific set of criteria, but "actual" friendships are a pretty significant investment in terms of emotion and time. So it begs to question that if someone "exchanges" their old friends for new ones as you said, then it should be questioned whether or not there was anything substantial in the first place.

People who do this simply cannot form anything other than superficial friendships. As for why urban areas appear to be hotbeds of loneliness? couple of reason.

[1] I think part of it is just population and visibility. We do not pay attention to more rural areas.

[2] I also think highly urbanized environments without much nature and accessible open areas are just demoralizing and dehumanizing at best. Of course, while you are not going to make friends in Central Park, you can make friends with Central Park. Every city is different, but in my experience without the proper, human-centric planning that so many urban areas lack, cities can be very dehumanizing. I think this is a huge issue in China, and goes in hand with the development of "third places" to simply exist outside our abodes.

Boston and New York feels so much friendlier than most of Hong Kong. You know you fucked up when NYC is friendlier than you. Environment plays a significant role in well-being, from the architecture of an individual apartment building to entire cities.

[3]Huge disparities lead to social stratification, especially in a society that judges us by our friends, whether we like it or not. Like often mixes with like, and while part of this is opportunity, much of it is just social expectations. Rural areas tend to have less disparity, or at least less obvious ones. Part of this influences #2. If you are working to live in a closet than you probably would not be in the best place to have friendships.

[4]Immigration. People of similar backgrounds will of course aggregate together. This is the basis of ethnic enclaves such as Chinatown. If you are not a part of these enclaves then it can exacerbate feelings of alienation you have. In addition, it could also be that immigrants from another nation may find it difficult to find friends for related reasons.

[5]New York is full of assholes.

I think capitalisn, at least in the United States, plays a cultural role, not least because who you are influences expectations of who you can be friends with and why. As well as capitalism literally structuring the surrounding landscape, with nary a consideration for the people who live there. I recently took an interest in architecture and city planning, and it is really amazing to think how awfully fucked some cities are or areas in certain cities.

speaking from personal experience, i can attest that it's only hard if you're an unlikable person that nobody wants to be friends with

if people actually liked you, you wouldn't struggle with this

it really is that simple

@Vasdeferens I disagree on it being that simple. In my experience, I think it is a bit more than that for some people, particularly those with pretty niche interests or certain issues, be it mental or physical disorders.

For example, auditory processing issues aren't deafness, so it often does not get diagnosed. Other people are not only introverted, but shy. One cannot be likable if they are noticed, and friendship is a two-way street. To note off your point, charisma is often conflated with being a likable person, which is not untrue, but this suggests people without such a presence are unlikable rather than unnoticed.

I think for many people, an issue is being shy and intimate, and not understanding that certain friendships only persist because of shared interests, and that far more meaningful friendships require a sort of click that is only understandable if you ever experienced it. You have to offer something to someone else, and they have to offer you something else. This is not a transactional relationship, but mutual.

If anything, I think shyness is an even more visible problem than it was before, but maybe it was because I was shy and did study this issue for a time.

@PeripheralVision

I really don't agree with this. Being ambiverted or extroverted get you to know more people, but 9/10 people I know, I only talk to a few times a year. If any. And I'm glad tbh, because investing time in too many friendships becomes draining.

My demeanor is quite calm / not saying too much, when I talk to new people, since I don't know what topic to talk about until I know them a bit, and I still make some opportunities for new friendships.
I just rarely pursue / deepen them further tbh... as I said: having too many genuine friendships is draining for me. So most times I keep my small circle of three to seven, depending who to count, people. That's kinda my fault that I don't have more close friendships, but I also believe almost no one got more than a handful of close people.
I remember well when I told my grandma as a child that I had ten friends at school and she replied: "no, you have two." That sticked with me.

About charisma ... charisma is something difficult to put into words or point out why certain people have it. Most charismatic people just feel secure in themselves, but it's still hard to point out why certain people have it.
But charisma doesn't make friendships, it makes people talk to you. These are vastly different things.


@FriendlyPaw



That's not just your opinion, it's scientifically proved that doomscrolling and mass attention from social media destroys grey brain matter in the Prefrontal Cortex, especially in minors. Brainrot through social media and lack of real life experiences and relations is unfortunately real and I'm so grateful social media didn't exist when I grew up.
I've always been a kid that had special interests in media, reading and studying, but my mom regularly told my equally nerdy and weird friends and me out to go to the park too. My school friend and I made a whole album categorizing leaves and some insects when we were told to go to the park lol.

Also people who think they only can build genuine relations online, won't have a security net of people catching them in their real life and won't have shared experiences with them.
Actually doing and experiencing something, and connecting the experience to a person, engraves into your brain. Going somewhere new, say someone's flat, and touching someone, even if it's just a welcome hug, engraves into your brain.
Typing and talking into a screen is the same "flat" and uneventul task people are doing everyday. The human brain is not built to go completely without touch (and I don't even like being touched by most people lol) and friendships where you can have face-to-face communication and doing actual activities together.

I will forever remember the vacations in Norway and on the countryside here in Austria, and I remember well the pen and paper evenings together, cooking together, going to cons and a cafe etc. that I shared with people, who are important to me.
I will forget the private massage I've written to someone on a screen tbh.