AlmostGod said:Here is your known casual shitposter sini5ter, AlmostGod etc.
Don´t you dare troll this, I have some thoughts haunting me lately so bad and I wanna vent a little...
So here are some of the questions I been meaning to ask:
1. Do you think I am just hopeless and can never have a true life and should just give up trying already?
2. Who/what is to blame for me being the person I am, Why do people keep thinking I choose to be the way I am. I been struggling against my inner demons my whole life long, and if there is someone hated it the most, that is me. I mean all my problems started since birth (which is another tragic story of my mom actually wanting to get an abortion due to pressure of my relatives thinking there should be noone sharing the genes of someone as fucked up as my father, but shit happened and here I am, bla blah. thx daddy u rock) I can not stop thinking about this daily, I have a feeling it would have been million times better if that abortion thing had happened for real.
3. I wanna make friends, I wanna live a normal(atleast as normal as it gets after this point) life like everyone else. I want a serious deep relationship. These are truly what I am in need of instead of trying to fill my emptiness with temporary bullshit that never seems to help, or getting one med prescribed one after another. But I am scared. I am scared of the person I am, and I am scared of leaving myself open to feelings/to get hurt. I only use my sadistic tendencies on people I think who deserves it (totally depending on my sense of justice, such as bullies, whatever) except for the times my explosive side takes control over. But like in reality I do think and wanna believe I am a good person afterall? (somewhat, somehow?) Do you think I don´t deserve anyones love or understanding and should just give up on humans already and go live with my plants and 495 dogs completely isolated from the world?
4. Why does everything suck? Why did I have to win the lottery for all this?
I'm not going to shitpost/troll you, but what I might say likely won't be what you want to hear.
1. What is a 'true life'? You live, do you not? You consume sustenance and provide some level of product or action with an end purpose, right?
There is no one 'true life'. Everyone's lives are different, everyone suffers in important areas and excels in others. Not everyone will have a close circle of friends, or keep on friend for a long period of time. Not everyone will get married, and not everyone will avoid having to raise 5 kids. The Human expereince varies heavily from one person to another, no one experience is the 'true' one. I'd argue that as long as you both take both physical, mental, and emotional support from others, and in turn you do your best to return physical, mental, and emotional support to others, that you are living a 'true' life.
2. Are you religious?
If yes, then take the easy way out and blame God and/or Satan, or whatever deity it is you follow.
If no, then there is no one to blame, unless your parents did alot of crazy stuff that might have damaged your development in the womb.
There is no real 'blame game' to be played. Sure, maybe you psychologically abused others. That's just the result of a chain of circumstances that spans backwards in time for decades, if not centuries. Some of the circumstances might be environmental in nature, some might just be genetic, and some might just be you reacting to something that happened to you, which in turn was a reaction to something that happened to someone else, and on and on.
There is no point in pressing charges and pointing fingers if a culprit can't be punished. There is no value in punishing your father for doing something as base to human nature as wanting to spread his genetic information to the next generation. He has no control over his genetic makeup, just like you have no control over yours. Likewise, there is no value in wishing to pursue your mother's family for trying to get your aborted. They're acting in self-interest, or in interest of a family member. It's easy to act like you are not worth spending energy on when your presence at the time is little more then a pound or so of developing cells hidden behind a woman's belly. They merely wanted to take the easy way out.
So once again I must say, there is no one to blame. Unless you want to blame God/Satan/Inset Deity here.
3. Why give up? Go and do it. JUST DO IT! MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! No, this is not shitposting. I'm dead serious. Yes, you are a terrifying creature. Guess what, almost all of humanity consists of terrifying creatures for a massive number of reasons. Your circumstances might be different, but as a whole you are no different then anyone else out there.
When interacting with someone, be honest. That's not to say your opening statement should be "Hello, my name is 'X', and I have Sadistic Personality Disorder!". But if you find that you are going to spend a significant amount of time with someone over a period of days, weeks, months, or even years, let them know the gist of what they are in for. As terrifying as humans are, they can also be quite forgiving, especially in the long-term. Don't stop trying to be your best, and don't stop trying to show your best to others. That is the human experience, and that is something that no one else can take away from you. Only you could take it away from yourself by isolating yourself.
4. Yeah, your life sucks. You life in a cardboard box on the side of the street, with no income, no chance for a job, and no one who gives a danm. Yeah, your life sucks, you're horribly disfigured and your upper lip is fused to your nose, encouraging terrifying bacteria and diseases to grow within your skull. Yeah, your life sucks, you have a parasite in your eyes and is slowly eating away at your visual receptors, and blindness is the only option for you. Yeah, your life sucks, you run the largest country in the world but are unable to make any significant changes that you promised/desire because all of your life is now going to be spent trying to appease the middle-men just beneath you. Yeah, your life sucks because the only person that you ever cared for is gone from your life, and you are left with six figures of debt and children that you never cared for. Yeah, your life sucks, because you never had a life. You were killed before taking a breath outside of the womb.
Fuck that thinking. Slap yourself on the face for me because I'm not there to do it for you (and typing 'virtual slap' does all of jackshit). You live in a civilized country, can comprehend the inner workings of the universe, can appreciate art, and can (attempt to) choose to act or not act on your tendencies. Your life sucks, and so does every other person out there. Embrace the suck, and live.
FUCKING LIVE!!! |