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Jul 2, 2022 11:09 AM
#1
Offline
May 2022
1
this is the Synopsis

In 9021, the machine evolved into humans, but Trinity corp want to turn humans into robots for the benefit of social productivity. One gynoid cop by the name of twenty-six once finds a phone that leads her to a path of both rebellions and criminality to try to find the meaning of her life in a war between both organizations held bent on trying to manipulate her for their bidding.

https://www.honeyfeed.fm/chapters/39070
Jul 4, 2022 3:07 AM
#2

Offline
Feb 2019
2410
Completely and utterly illegible. The basics of punctuation and grammar are lost on you, in the first chapter alone there are over 50 individual errors. More speech marks closed than opened, capitals in the wrong place, extra and missing spaces, full stops instead of commas, tenses and plurals all over the place, as are pronouns, I can go on. This sort of thing really should have been ironed out well before bringing it here.

Narration is unreasonably brusque. Loudly announcing that the protagonist is torn between family and work, having them say "I can't wait to see my brother again" is far too obvious. SdT is marched out so much that it's a cliché, but this is a perfect example of why. Dialogue is incredibly unnatural, particularly in the first few chapters.

Your worldbuilding lacks sense. It's contemporary, with next to no cultural advancements, yet is supposed to be set 6,999 years in the future. That would be such a drastic change as to be unrecognisable from current society. Original terms and names are inconsistent. "S. T. Dennis Street" becomes "St-Denis Street" in the space of about 5 sentences. "Édouard" becomes "Edouard" in the next chapter. As before, this should have been dealt with already.

The plot is just a mess. Chapter 3 stands out as an example, the time, place, tone and purpose of the scenes within are just baffling. In addition, within the first few pages all we have is people heading into cars and going here and there, there's no instigating event nor angle of interest. And though it's the least of your concerns at this time, the story is rather generic from a thematic perspective too.

I've several times highlighted what seems to be the worst of this year, but now I think I shan't need to any further. It's imperative that you first proofread, thoroughly, then look into improving prose. After that you can look into getting more of a literary voice, and developing a more meaningful story.
Well I for one already loved Lain.
Jul 4, 2022 9:29 AM
#3
Offline
Apr 2022
59
Lukas535, don't be discouraged! While O_T_T raises valid criticisms - and you'll find that I have already made similar comments in your story - do not give up. Your story has some potential, so you should make use of the advice to continue improving.

As O_T_T said, and I think I mentioned it in your story itself, your grammar and punctuation could use editing. Your story also needs better transitions, because you tend to jump from scene to scene without any proper flow. I think I also pointed out the flow between chapters is also abrupt and out of nowhere. Like, one moment they are doing this, and the next sentence (or the beginning of the new chapter), they are doing something else entirely and in a totally different location, with new characters. It's abrupt, jarring and confusing.

I wouldn't say it's completely and utterly illegible, but I did mention plenty of times that I found your story confusing. The grammar and punctuation errors only exacerbate matters.

With that out of the way, I think you do have some good ideas and philosophy. Though I am unable to see it come across in your story - perhaps the execution is lacking - I understand that your intention is for a robot to become sentient and begin questioning the meaning of humanity. I can also sense your passion and desire to tell your story, even if the meaning gets lost.

I am also aware that English is not your first language. It takes a lot of courage to write in a language that is not your native one, and I highly respect you for it. Do not let this deter you - yes, your story might be - to put it bluntly - in tremendous need of reworking and editing, but you have taken the first step forward. Keep soldiering onward. Don't be discouraged by criticism and advice, but use it to improve your writing.

I know the critique is worded harshly, but there really is no other way to put it. Just take this as a baptism of fire and push forward. Continue believing in yourself, and no matter what you do, do not give up.

Oh, and one final advice. It helps to read a lot as well. And when I suggest you read, I mean you should read professionally published books. Books published by Random House, Penguins, Black Library, Bloomsbury, etc. Read proper novels, not just web fiction. And yes, in English, in case that wasn't clear. That's one of the best ways to improve language - by constantly reading. Once you've read a lot, your grammar and punctuation will automatically improve. Take note of how professional authors structure their sentences and use punctuation (and these texts have usually been heavily edited by professional editors). I guarantee you'll improve tremendously if you read more.

For now, just continue writing the story and do NOT give up!

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It’s time to ditch the text file.
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