Report 11Kami's Profile

"I LOVE SUSHI!" exclaimed the woman in the thick-rimmed glasses. "Ah, excellent," Kobayashi thought contentedly to himself, "they are enjoying themselves." "I love Japan, period" said the middle-aged man in the blue shirt, slight southern drawl lending a down-home earthiness to his earnest proclamation. "Oh my, it is such a joy to have such enthusiastic customers!" Kobayashi said to himself, beaming with pride at the delight he had brought to his customers. It was an idyllic day in Kobayashi's small sushi shop. But then things took a turn for the worst. "J-ROCK!" screeched a greasy-haired delinquent, quite obviously high on something. "Oh my, someone should be watching over that poor child," Kobayashi thought to himself. But, before he could finish that thought, a rotund man burst forth from the masses, the make-up on his face still smeared across his fleshy visage. "GIRUGAMESH!" the horrifying painted man exclaims, stabbing the air vehemtly with two massive, pudgy digits.

"What has begun here is something terrible," Kobayashi thinks to himself, rooted in place by equal parts fear, and morbid fascination. "I LOVE ANIME!" shrieks a curiously toupee'd customer, the disparity of voice and adornment calling into question the beast's gender. "AND MANGA" yells the man-lady's back-quatto, the horrifying extra upper torso protruding from the hermaphrodite's back, malign intent dancing across his/her eyes. Kobayashi is speechless at the spectacle unfolding before him. "AND GAYMEN!" an infernal scarecrow man drunkenly spews forth, every diabolical syllable dripping from his tongue an affront to sanity and dignity.

"Uh...DDR?," says a man quite plainly. "Finally, a respite from this madness," Kobayashi thought as he heaved a breathless sigh of relief. But what he had seen so far could never prepare him for what came next. "SMILE D.K." squealed the man's bloated pig-wife, barely managing to stay balanced atop her chair.

As these things happened, a realization dawned on poor, poor Kobayashi. "These people, these DEMONS, have taken all I know and love and made it wrong, corrupted it. I can not, no, I will not sit idly by as these creatures from beyond the veil wreak havoc in my shop!"

"HEYYYYYY!" Kobayashi growls, brandishing his knife like a modern day warrior. "SAKURA-CON NI IKIMAAAAAAAAAASU" he bellows, the traditional war-cry of his family. As Kobayashi leapt over the table, the gathered masses began morphing, face tearing asunder to reveal rows upon rows of sharp teeth, as new musculature rippled forth from beneath their clothes. Many dropped to all fours, revealing their true bestial nature, snarling and snapping their jaws at Kobayashi. Like a true warrior, however, he dove fearlessly into the throes of battle, slicing sinew and bone alike with a precision afforded him by his years of chef training. He laughed maniacally as bucket upon bucket of blood was spilled, the organs and flesh of his former patrons spewing forth like water down a hill. He and his restaurant alike were soon strewn with every type of viscera, and he gave an animalistic howl to the still-rising moon.

Kobayashi goose-stepped over the knee-high pile of cadavers, and, having finally exited the restaurant, he wiped the blood clean from his cleaver and strode off into the horizon. He knew that he had honored his ancestors with this true act of bravery, and helped to rid the world of a grave evil indeed.