Eon: Crimson Star

phmmoura said:
Is this the same as the other post?
I was reading, thought it would be better to read somewhere else.

im2famous said:
Needs work. dddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

phmmoura said:
Descriptions only get better with practice. Believe me. I'm still practicing (I still suck at describing my characters)

For now, it's best if you wrote the second chapter and then rewrite this piece.
This way you won't get stuck on this part.

phmmoura said:
I think it's a suitable segment. Remember, first drafts sucks, so there's no need to worry. At the beginning, it's better to keep writing while knowing your weak points and improving them.

Have you thought about the next part?

Revvie-chan said:
Nice nice, take your time :)

I'll post my feedback once I have any idea what to say ^^;

ThaddeusDrakken said:
This is a really intriguing story. I'm a pretty big fan of sci fi and futuristic stories as well as anime and tv series that fall into that category. You've definitely put quite a bit of time into this but you still have quite a ways to go.

I recommend you reread your work from the beginning and make the necessary grammatical corrections to start and see if there are any particular places where you would like to change things or describe them better.

Out of curiosity as well, what is the picture from of the boy in futuristic armor and gun? very fitting for the story you've been writing so far but doesn't seem to match with anything i have read so far.

Also if you're going to keep working on this story so in depth i would recommend befriending an artist to get some concept art or something going unless you're not quite at that stage.

LaxusAK said:
On chapter 3, gonna continue reading it in a bit, but as for feedback most of what I have to say has been addressed already in terms of showing more than telling which you have done really well in the 3rd chapter and little grammatical errors that don't really impede the story. Great job with Nizar I hate him and thats a good thing so far in terms of characterization. Good job and keep it up! Gonna go work on my story as well.

tambi33 said:
Okay, I thought I should give some feedback 'cause of my random fact earlier.
I'm a keen writer myself but right now I'm focusing on giving my world and characters the best structure from the start so I haven't written the story itself.

I've only read the first chapter but I gotta say; if had me compelled to read more as I wanted to know the environment they're in -more than anything really, and that's down to your synopsis.
So, there are subtle nuances which make a character and right off the bat I got the vibe of a cocky American coming off of Lenox, but his speech pattern was unnatural. I could see that his relationship with Tony is much closer than what is initially perceived but the interaction between the two didn't justify that e.g.
Lenox sarcastically goes "let's see... No" but the response would've been better as a quick "Nope"
Again, later on they're talking about the girl it would better to keep with the informal American by saying "she's military" instead of she's in the military which would have also implied the depth of Lenox's and Tony's relationship.

That's it really, you can disregard what I said if you've already rectified the issues in the succeeding chapters, but if not... you got this

QWERTYFish25 said:


Much appreciated. Right now I've been focusing on describing some of the characters that appear in the story even the ones wh don't appear in these chapters or in the rewrites. I often find myself kinda fleshing out the world a bit better through the fragments describing the characters lives. This however often leads to other characters that precede when these chapters take place...by a few decades even. Nonetheless it kinda leans into tye now. Unfortunately I don't really know how to tie it all together. I can talk about the characters and mention a war that shapes their lives now but not actually about the war itself. It's really weird. You had mentioned a story you're writing , what's a good method yo nailing these things together?

tambi33 said:

I've only read the first chapter, so I can only give you a general context of what should be done (my story has a similar genre but the dynamics of it are different)
The protagonists are the ones that lay the foundation of the world; so having a concrete protagonist gives you the chance to explain the story through their eyes... You can't go about explaining a war from eagle eye view, that never works. So keep with the characters shaping their lives as a result of the war. E.g.

tambi33 said:
•The main protagonist explores the world youve built, only through meeting other individuals will he be able to carve out an image of the war... It's usually short anecdotes like "so and so was here, did this" (yeh, it's a bit common)

tambi33 said:
•if you're the type of person who wants to remove a peotagonist from the fray to give a sense of that ever present danger in this war ravaged universe then it's gotta be by someone who has been beside the initial protagonist who will also feel the loss of their friend etc.

tambi33 said:
•But the best way to bind a universe is by introducing multiple characters with varying beliefs because there's more than one argument to be fairly proved I.e. Some who want to justify a war. So take a look at the MCU which recently attempted that with infinity war (not its story, just how the characters are bunched together) and for characters you should see how Rick Riordan created a fray of characters on equal footing in his Heroes of Olympus sequel books -albeit with them all being on the same side.

tambi33 said:
•I should've written this first... When writing about a war you have to lay down the results of that war before writing what happened in the war, that's so you can build towards that; even so, when talking of war, it's almost always reduced to two sides fighting each other thus allowing the scale of it to be drastically reduced - which is why in literature and media it is very common to see them preferring to portray specific campaigns of a war rather than the entire war.
So if your war has several nations, you can't have them all fighting each other... That leaves you with a massive mess; so allies are a big key I portraying the dynamics of the war as it will also show the most affected depending on the way it goes; thy will also justify the differing of opinions, give reasons for any rebellions etc. and set up the underlying truth which I think in the synopsis says that Lenox will be exposed to.
Having those allies allow for you to bring the war closer to their hearts

tambi33 said:
@QWERTYFish25
That question you asked at the end, well... Since this matter is all hypothetical I'll use history as my inspiration.

To be honest, they have no justification; as I said in another comment, "no one can claim a land that's not earth," but historically there hasn't been a case where land has been taken unjustly -on earth.
A guy named Oliver Cromwell ousted the monarchy through revolution but eventually create a pseudo-monarchy with him at the helm; the Balfour declaration which gave Zionist leverage in the colonising of Israel was done by the British, this giving military backing.

The common factor of this is military influence; so if any monarchy is set up in space then it's origins would have had to be in a stratocracy (military run government) and/or military dictatorship.
The only other plausible way to go about installing a monarch is to have a patriotic country with a monarchy to extend their rule to conquered space domains (in whatever way they've somehow conquered such an area).


P.S.
Does your story involve extraterrestrials, as I'm writing from the perspective that there are only humans in this story

tambi33 said:
@QWERTYFish25
The notion of extraterrestrials in terms of the creators has been expressed in various other stories -some notable- big they just aren't coming to mind; for now revise their potential introductions and see if they're truly necessary to the story.
However, the idea of having some of the humans developing abilities isn't all that far-stretched since adapting to environments, inevitably evolving (having this thesis will contradict the purpose of the "creators"), will mean that there can be an anomaly I their genes -capable of causing mutations. Just take care not to create powers that are too out there, otherwise it'll wreck the vibe of the story; and if it does take off it can be critically observed as "desperate attempts" of trying to attract alternative audiences.

Back to the powers, the most feasible ones were "photokinesis" (namely, radiation) and "hemokinesis"
And remember, if you decide to incorporate alternative extraterrestials (essentially those not originating from earth) then that will change the entire dynamic of the story... Think remnants of civilisations, active civilisations I.e. Inhabited worlds; and there may also be advanced technology that could be stumbled upon (a race cannot be perfect, they must have shortcomings otherwise these would be the ones who perfect the universe)
But hey, that could just be the organisation-extraterrstials running the story behind the scenes -especially when It's to the underlying secret I.e. The ones who cleanse the universe of corruption etc. (also binding to the motives of the intergalactic war)
At the end of the day, it's your story.

tambi33 said:
@QWERTYFish25
When I picked out photokinesis and hemokinesis I felt that they were the most feasible as for the following reasons:
•Photokinesis- the human body having adapted so that they can actively control the radiation their body would usually absorb; this particularly makes sense I nuclear warfare (where they can nullify the mutational damage collateral to nuclear explosions etc.). The adaptation of humans to do this could be down to living in close proximity to the star (not dissimilar to the sun)
•Hemokinesis- again, following information that we already know (of hot and cold blooded animals) the likelihood of developing the ability to actively regulate one's temperature and blood circulation seems to be probable; furthermore this could be down to settling on a planet with conflicting temperatures, necessitating for humans to regularly alter their temperature levels to cater for those sudden changes. Going one further, these sort of people can possibly be fine tuned for black ops and covert operations due this unique ability of being able to alter their temperatures e.g.
Undetectable by heat seekers, thermal cameras etc. their overall equipment requirement will change entirely and in terms of the type of clothing -minimal, since they don't need to worry about environmental temperatures.

Now, about you wanting to "introduce" yourself into the story. Do you want to literally be a recurring character or....?

QWERTYFish25 said:


No, more so familiarize myself with the world first hand. Sure the solution is sit there and think about what you wanna write. But I was also thinking about writing little snippets. Small pieces, several paragraphs long, related to the story that may discuss or describe the settling. Lenox and Katarine talking about the war, Maybe Lenox discussing his choice to join the military with his adopted parents and them expressing concern for his safety given the current situation. Literally scrap work or sketches figuratively speaking that is related to what I want to make. I was just wondering if that would be straying too far or it seemed reasonable as an exerciser to accustom myself to descriptive writing, spelling of uncommon names or phrases, and, on the fly coming up with ideas for the things I want to be in the story. Like mentioning a past historical battle from the word of one of the characters, making a note of that and then possibly describing that at a much later time in the story, or even making it an upcoming event.

tambi33 said:


Okay, if you're looking for approval to do so, no you didn't need to ask. If you just wanted to know whether or not that this is something to be done, then yes, you must.
Anything and everything that you have an idea of should always be noted; I, personally, have devoted an old phone just to be there for whenever I have to make some notes. They should all contribute to your world and when it comes to compiling you'll have so many pieces to work with and it'll shape the world that you're trying to build

QWERTYFish25 said:
I have a question about descriptive writing. Say I'm writing a paragraph and I have to describe someone's face, the shape of their eyes, nose, lips so on and so forth. How do I go about doing that? Like I've found myself using terms like "angular" or round" or "full" but how would I go about putting that in a book that is, I'm guess supposed to "flow?" I'm guessing that something like "She has brown eyes, a big chin, a pronounced jawline, long dark hair, and beady green eyes" isn't really gonna cut it. Or at least not always. I mean it's one thing if a character is looking at another vs if you're trying to describe a character from an omnipresent POV.

Another thing is what is an acceptable way of describing someone in the context of a profile versus the middle of the story? Like an "Appearance" section of a profile?

Also would it be acceptable to write analogies that pertain to modern tech to describe something in the story to the audience? Like for instance comparing thge humming of the fusion reactor to a microwave running?