I dunno, sorry to everyone reading this shit but it's 2 AM and the thoughts are just swirling around in my head so I'm just going to ramble on about stupid random shit and thoughts about myself for a while and post it.
Your religion story reminds me so much of myself. I'm agnostic (rather than atheist), but not the type of "agnostic" where people say that they believe in something, but that something isn't the Christian God or whatever; no, I'm agnostic because I believe it is as impossible to disprove the existence of a god as to prove it—
"To be certain of the existence of God and to be certain of the nonexistence of God seem to me to be the confident extremes in a subject so riddled with doubt and uncertainty as to inspire very little confidence indeed" (Carl Sagan).
If you look at the word agnostic, a- means "not, without", and gnost means "know"; I am a theistic agnostic in the purest sense of the word in that I doubt that any essential divine truth is knowable.
Recently, it occurred to me that I am agnostic in my convictions and beliefs about the world, humanity, society as well as religion—I've been feeling so incredibly self-conscious recently about my own ignorance. I know that the world is so incredibly complex that no one could ever hope to understand everything, and there are some people who don't understand anything. I had already accepted this, and resolved to strive towards learning as much as I can, to continually try to improve myself and expand my mind. But lately I've been so lacking in confidence, so incredibly diffident, that I doubt whether I even know the things I know, or if I am just one of those people who doesn't understand a single thing in the entire world.
Maybe I should go ahead and mention that I'm just a child. I'm a seventeen-year-old boy in his senior year of high school with no idea of what he wants to do with his life or where he wants to go to college or even if he's going to be able to live on his own at all. I've never been in a romantic relationship of any kind with anyone—I've never kissed a girl or a boy. I'm obsessed with lesbians, so it should come as no surprise that I'm attracted to girls. (Actually, wait, I don't like that sentence—I tried to phrase it as best I could, but it still sounds hetero-normative and prejudiced. Please know that I don't intend for it to be interpreted that way.) However, I've acquired a sort of distaste for heterosexuality (not to say that there is really anything distasteful about heterosexuality—I don't approve of my own prejudice against it), so I don't feel good about the possibility of being in a relationship with a girl, because I'm not a girl. I wouldn't consider any sort of gender transition, though, because I'm quite certain in my own gender: I am male, indeed, but I just wish that I weren't, which I view as quite different from believing that I'm not. I might be attracted to guys, though. I might be pan. I don't really know. I haven't had any sort of romantic experience whatsoever, so it's hard to tell.
WrongPriest Being a filthy male is suffering lol (Hope that doesn't seem creepy—I just read the club comments sometimes when I'm bored and supposed to be doing shit)
I can already see the comments telling me that I'm just young, I need to live life and experience the world in order to figure things out with myself. And they're probably right, that is what I need to do, but damn if it isn't frustrating! Here I am, a regular Raskolnikov. Intelligence is the quality I value the most. I view intelligence as my central character trait. (I'm also suffering from a grandly inflated ego, of course.) I think, and think, and think, and still I know nothing. It's torturous.
Ugh. Disgusting, discursive, disparate, insipid, pretentious, conceited, dramatic trash. But I've wasted too much time already to delete this, so I'm going to be brave and post it. My apologies. |