I saw Shinobu's Nendoroid and bought her without hesitation. No regrets there, she's one of my favorite figures in my pretty big collection (I got the premium goodies as well, those were neat). A few months before that, I got around to watching the first two episodes with my boyfriend, and both of us were far from impressed. Still, I gave it another chance when I returned home for summer break, because now I had Shinobu and of course I needed the others (such is the life of a collector) and because I'd heard that it got better with time. What a lie.
I can't say I understand the massive hype surrounding this show. The first thing I want to make clear is that it's pretty damn boring. It's essentially just fifteen episodes of two characters having very dull conversations, with the oh so hi-larious Koyomi getting bullied or verbally outwitted by the members of his haunted girl harem.
I can't emphasize enough how much I hate Koyomi. He's your typical perverted harem protagonist with a heart of gold, willing to valiantly give up his useless life for anything with a pair of tits. His hobbies include staring at ass, popping boners over the slightest amount of female contact, and groping little girls. What? That last part? Groping little girls? That's right, groping little girls. Mayoi, the little fifth grade girl, is the repeated target of Koyomi's disgusting, grabby hands, and he is genuinely shocked when she fights back. Koyomi's got a pretty latent case of pedophilia; besides squeezing the chest of a fifth grader, he also gets an erection from touching a middle school girl's (Nadeko) MACHINE WASHED swimsuit and bloomers. This boy acts like he hasn't had an orgasm in three years, which is odd, considering the amount of masturbation material shoved at him every day.
Koyomi, unfortunately, is part vampire, so he's virtually immortal and heals quickly. He gets the ever living shit beat out of him a lot, which is pretty satisfying, but not quite as satisfying as it should be, knowing that even though he got a hole kicked in his abdomen, he'll be a-okay in the next scene. I was stupid for thinking that somehow, maybe the entire female cast wouldn't fall head over heels for him. Very stupid indeed. Every chick in this goddamn show wants to suck his nasty dick because he's their savior and is...no, that's it. Your typical damsel in distress scenario. Also, did I mention how ugly he is? If you're gonna have a harem of chicks vying for a dude's cock you better make him attractive. I can't say anything nice about this asshole.
Hitagi, his "girlfriend", is almost as bad as he is, the "almost" is purely because she isn't a pedophile. She is, however, a massive bitch. She treats Koyomi like the piece of shit he is, but it's not in any way satisfying because she's a bitch to everyone and her life is awful so we're supposed to feel bad for her. It's probably the most generic tragic backstory for a female anime character ever: she's a sickly girl who was great at everything (smart, athletic, popular), she used to be rich, she got sexually assaulted, and her mom is a nut who donated all their money to a shady religion cult.
I'll admit I pitied her at the end of the second episode and even shed a tear or two, but even though one of her massive problems was solved, she still acts like the world owes her everything. It's very hard to believe that her and Koyomi are even dating; she doesn't give a single shit about him. She pulls that edgy "if someone kills you i'll kill them" bs with Koyomi all the time and it somehow becomes a plot point more than once, but that's the extent of her affection. In one scene, she claims to have no interest in sexual activity due to her assault (understandable), but minutes before she was rubbing the inside of Koyomi's thigh, licking his ear, and whispering unintelligible, presumably dirty things in his ear...while in the backseat of the car her father was driving. What can I say? These two deserve each other.
A whole lot of emphasis is put on Hitagi's "tsundere" personality, but I'm only seeing tsun and no dere. She is entirely a bitch and her "sweet" side doesn't extend past death threats.
Any time not spent straight up ignoring Koyomi is spent verbally berating him and firing off one unfunny insult after the other. This shit is honestly, genuinely supposed to be funny, so it happens in every goddamn episode where Hitagi shows her ugly, scowling face. Koyomi acts as only a reactionary, taking the insults like the little bitch he is, which is also supposed to be funny, but it sincerely isn't. It's so painfully unfunny.
In short, the two main characters are the most unsavory of the bunch. They're your generic harem male lead and tsundere bitch girlfriend with very little thought put into either. Their quarrels are intended to be funny and witty, but I found myself sitting through these scenes either completely straight-faced or just rolling my eyes at the money wasted on this mess.
As for the other characters, besides their appealing designs, there isn't much to them. You've got your cute yet sassy fifth grade girl, your sporty, "lesbian" chick, your shy childhood friend girl, and your generic smart, sweet, big-tittied honor role student. All these characters are are flat reactionaries with one or two oh so quirky personality traits that serve as Koyomi's arm candy and fanservice. This show isn't an ecchi, I can tell you that, but the ass and boob shots are so out of place in this *~*occult avant-garde mystery*~* that it's just embarrassing. "I'm a monster that's possessed your friend and I kill people to relieve stress, but I'm also a sexy kitty with big boobies, nyahaha!" That fucking laugh made me wish I was deaf.
I enjoyed Mayoi's character at first. I appreciated her hostility and hesitation to trust Koyomi, and her arc had an awesome opening theme. I cried a bit at the end of her arc as well. This admiration soon transformed into disappointment as she gradually became another one of Koyomi's bitches, losing basically ever bit of integrity she once held for me. She gets angry when being groped and retaliates as expected, but as soon as she discovers it's silly Koyomi's doing, it's alright! Also, the "I flubbed your name" thing got old, but she is a fifth grader, so I guess I can let it slide.
Suruga, the athletic one, quickly became one of my favorites. She's cute, she's personable, and she knocks Koyomi's lights out twice! And get this: she's gay, so she won't want to suck Koyomi's chode! Awesome!
...Haha, so naïve. She's not gay. I mean, she is, for Hitagi (god knows why), but after being saved by Our Lord and Savior Koyomi Araragi, she insists on stripping down when talking to Koyomi and pretty clearly want to ride his shriveled dick into the sunset. Honey, you're not gay. I know, it was hard for me to accept my bisexuality too. You'll get through it. It's really infuriating to realize that even though these writers /could/ give us a gay character, they wont't, because apparently writing a female with no romantic or sexual attraction to men is literally impossible. I don't care if she's bi, in fact, that's great! Just don't call her gay.
Her arc was probably my favorite, though. That scene where she stands ominously in front of Koyomi near the train tracks at night? Genuinely scary. That awesome, fast-paced fight scene? Fantastic! I loved that. Too bad it only lasted like, four minutes. Then she turns into another notch in Koyomi's belt. They had the chance to make a good character, and they didn't take it.
Nadeko is the reserved, quiet, childhood friend of Koyomi and his sister. Gonna cut right to the chase: she loves him too. Boooring. Not much to say about her, except that despite her age--no, wait, especially because of her age, Koyomi still wants to bang. Her backstory is...confusing? Why did her friend curse her? Because Nadeko said no to the boy her friend liked? Wouldn't that make things easier for the friend because she has a chance with the dude? I don't get it?????
Tsubasa's the perfect, sweet little cat girl with a rough home life. You want to like her because there really isn't anything to dislike about her, but the fact that she's another sweet smart pretty big tittied girl with a thirst for some ugly protagonist dick nulls any positives for me. I feel bad for this chick, but I just can't like her.
Meme is a badass. He's the only decent male character, which isn't saying much, considering there's only two. He looks sleazy, but he's a cool guy who doesn't hesitate to help out someone in need. Half of me wishes he got more screentime, but the other half isn't sure what that time would be used for.
Shinobu doesn't say a word at all. She sits there with Meme, eats donuts, drinks Koyomi's blood, and eventually does do something important. Not much at all can be said about her unless you watch the following seasons.
Besides his two sisters who don't do anything until Nisemonogatari and Hitagi's dad, whose face you don't even see, that does it for characters. Literally. There are no background characters. Other people, like Hitagi's mother, is mentioned, but never shown. I did actually like this, it made the town feel entirely empty besides the main characters, which gave it a more lonely and spookier feel.
The art is lackluster. It's not GORGEOUS like people make it out to be. Hajime Ueda's art, the stuff during the credits, was the most enjoyable part for me. It actually made it feel like an enigmatic monster story, which Bakemonogatari apparently is not. I can't be the only one who didn't appreciate those goddamn flashes of text, either. Entirely pointless, distracting, and seems like a cop out to cut down on animation costs. From what I can tell, in Nisemonogatari, it gets cut down significantly, which is nice.
The music is pretty good. Each arc had its own opening theme, and I found myself listening to them almost every time. The ending was enjoyable as well, both to listen to and watch. I can't pick out any songs during the show that I loved, but most of it was alright.
I can't say that I enjoyed this show that much. It's loaded with out-of-place fanservice, initially interesting characters that melt into puddles of affection for the MC, annoying flashes of text coupled with just average art, and long, long periods of boring dialogue and quips between Koyomi and one of his bitches. I found myself bored watching this, and you could probably afford to skip most of the dialogue parts because the plot is easy to follow. I'm sincerely hoping Nisemonogatari turns out better, but my hopes aren't high.
Unfortunately, being the sucker I am, I'm still gonna buy the fucking figures.
