There are two perspectives you can watch this show from: Either you played the game, or you haven't. This show is clearly designed to appeal to the former, and does a great job at failing in everything because of that. The thing about making an animated series of something like Kancolle is that, aside from having the fans seeing their favorite characters being animated, it also gives a chance for them to see the characters develop beyond their limited personality trait in the game.
What happens in this 12-episode odyssey is the complete opposite of that idea.
Before going any further into this series' embarrassing writing that makes Boku no Pico Shakespearean in comparison, there are several other notable aspects of this show that warrant mentioning: Music, for the most part, is pretty decent. Apparently there seems to be an unspoken rule that terrible shows must have a decent/good soundtrack. Though, having claimed that, it's actually pretty difficult to hear most of the soundtrack because the battle scenes barely last more than a single minute. And yes, I'm being pretty lenient with the term "battle scenes" because the visuals are legitimately worse than something from a Toei show. It's not even like YYY where 3DCG scenes were hardly noticeable- It's just literally everywhere in every battle scene in this show, and they're all so incredibly poorly choreographed that it makes you wonder whether a properly functioning human being was responsible for them.
-Spoilers below-
As mentioned previously, this show is something that tries too hard to appeal to the existing fanbase with the smallest effort possible that it fails at its job completely- First, the characters. There are way too fucking many. How did Diomedea manage to include all these 50+ characters in this 12-episode show? The answer is, they didn't. None of them end up being actual characters, and all they get for lines is repetition of the same throwaway line they babble in the game ad infinitum. See, this is the difference between a game and an animated series that tells a story- In games like Kancolle, it's pretty difficult to actually express characters' personality aside from their throwaway lines, so to keep the game interesting, more characters are added to compensate for the lack of further development from the existing characters. But when you're trying to tell a story, that no longer applies- The more characters there are, the harder it is to focus on a certain character(s), and thus, it makes them as bland as they would be in the game when the point of telling a story is the complete opposite: Developing them beyond what would've been feasible in a simple click-and-win game.
These characters' gimmicks are also influenced by the fanon- Such as Akagi being a big eater in the show due to her consuming lots of resources in-game. Completely necessary addition, I'm sure. Fubuki, the MC, is incredibly boring and breaks personality several times in-series just to create unnecessary drama, which makes you wonder why the Admiral favors this particular character in the first place outside of her status as the main character. Everyone else can be summed up with a single sentence: Shimakaze likes going fast. Kongou likes speaking in broken English. Hibiki says one Russian word every chance she gets. Yuudaichi likes -poi more than -desu. Sendai really loves night battles. Naka won't shut the fuck up. Calling these protagonists cardboard cutouts would be an insult to cardboard cutouts from Akame ga Kill, so I'm not sure what to call them.
What about the antagonists, though? If you expected anything other than "incompetent mute cyborg zombies," then god damn is this show happy to disappoint. I'm not sure what the trend is with all these silent villains that have no real motives, but I guess writing any form of conflict outside of badly animated/choreographed battle scenes was beyond Diomedea's capability. And if that wasn't enough, the Abyssals are pretty pathetic at their job and manage to be as threatening as moving dartboards. I guess they manage to finally sink a character who had a total screen time of less than a minute, who happens to be a friend of a boring friend of the boring MC with a last-second sneak attack. Oh, the horror. It's especially hilarious when the show cuts to Abyssals looking ominous and evil with spooky music playing in the background when they're a complete non-threat.
And finally, the Admiral. It's pretty obvious that this Admiral character was designed to represent the viewer/player, which is why this character is never truly shown on the screen. Therefore, the character's motives/personality/appearance are all completely unknown because it's supposed to be “you.” I'm not sure why this is even necessary considering this character plays a very little role, but apparently it was- Which is why Diomedea decides to fuck that up too by giving this character an identity. Apparently the reason why the Admiral favors Fubuki (the boring MC) so much is that he has a boner for this character. Well, that's great. Now everyone knows that the Admiral is this guy who has a boner for Fubuki, who is the most boring character in a show full of characters solely identified by throwaway lines. What happened to ambiguity, again? Honestly, Wo-class is a much better representation of the viewer- Looking bored and stoned as fuck throughout the entire fucking show pretty much sums up my experience.
Aside from the poorly written characters with no effort put into them, there are two other things Diomedea decided to do to “appeal” to the existing fanbase of this series. One is tying in in-game mechanics like repair docks, buckets, upgrades, and etc. Not exactly necessary or hindering, but I'd think that alone should have been enough for references from the game instead of making every character what they are in this show. The second thing is "historical reenactment"- Since all the characters are based off of real life ships, the idea is that they would meet the same fate at the same time at the same place. This is sort of "foreshadowed" in the opening sequence where you can briefly see the real Akagi ship sinking and is a “major” plot point in the latter part of the series. I'm not exactly sure how this is supposed to be an appeal, however. Knowing what's going to happen in the show based on real life events seems completely uninteresting especially considering the flat characters and setting, and if it was any more focused by the series, it would just be yet another cliche'd "fighting against fate" plot line that's been done million times over, so I really don't get it. I guess it makes some people feel smug for knowing that this one character that may have been in the background in one episode will sink before other people do.
So outside of Diomedea's blatantly embarrassing fanservice, what else is there? I guess there's supposed to be a plot somewhere, but the pacing is so horrendous that it's actually difficult to remember what actually happened in this show. That being said, this show does few things that could be considered two of the worst things one can do when writing a story. The first is lack of focus- Just like several other shows, this show cannot decide what kind of a show it wants to be. It could be either a fun show about wacky hijinx, or a serious show with drama that may or may not be forced. If it stuck with one, and did just that, then it would have been fine. Unfortunately, Kancolle attempts to do both, and fails at both- I'm not sure why so many shows do this when both drama and comedy hinder each other most of the time, thus making their simultaaneous inclusion counter productive. I'd assume it probably sounded good on that used toilet paper they used for the storyboard for this show. The amount of sudden mood shifts in this show is transcendent, and this is made even worse with piss-poor pacing. For example, there would be a forced drama scene with Fubuki and her friends. Then it would immediately cut to Ooi and Kitakami doing their usual comedy routine. Then immediately cut back to the drama scene. Flawless.
The second problem ties into the first- Even the drama is completely forced. And even then, these supposedly sad scenes aren't even relevant or impactful. Because by the end of the episode, it turns out everything was fine all along, which makes the characters seem idiotic for worrying about it in the first place. This problem is especially notable with Fubuki breaking character and doing something reckless against the enemy because suddenly she decided that she wanted to feel important and have a personality. She obviously fails at everything noted above, but this scene itself has also failed at having any lasting impact. No one ends up getting hurt in the end, and everything was daijobu. Then she goes to train with moving targets, which really are as threatening as Abyssals considering how much damage Fubuki came out of it in the end. What a joke.
But wait, there's more. In the last episode, where everything seems "hopeless" because that one mean Abyssal just won't die despite it being only able to shoot out nearly harmless white balls in the protagonists' general direction as its masterful strategy, Nagato suddenly shows up to the rescue- It was all according to plan, apparently. Then when it doesn't work, a new shipgirl appears out of nowhere that got a brief "foreshadowing" (using this term extremely loosely) in the previous episode and comes to save the day- Then the Admiral literally uses repair buckets out of nowhere to get more shipgirls in the battle, and the show doesn't even try to hide its Deus ex Machina garbage writing at this point. Then Black Rock Shooter and Fubuki stare at each other before the former realizes this writing is fucking retarded and goes back down the ocean.
Basically, every single episode in this show can be summed down to this: 20 minutes of filler that may or may not include poorly written drama that ends up resolving itself the same god damn episode, and 2 minutes of poorly choreographed battle scene where victory is solely decided by shooting at things a lot with no strategy involved.
It's incredibly ironic that this show tried so hard to appeal to the existing fanbase that it only alienated them as a result, and ended up appealing to an entirely different group of people who watches shows based on anything but quality. Now, I think it's pretty notable to mention that some people seem to defend this show with claims like "What did you expect?" But that sort of claim would only be valid if someone criticized something like Hamtaro for its lack of drama. It's completely invalid here because it doesn't do either drama or comedy because it tries to do both and fails at both. Most criticisms for this show do not come from complaining about what this show doesn't have- It comes from what this show does have and that is fucking awful. Some might also claim "It's a game advertisement show so it obviously wouldn't be good!" What about Rage of Bahamut: Genesis? That was a show based on a Mobage, and it was one of the best shows of its season, so that excuse isn't valid either. Any show, no matter what it's based on or which studio's doing it, can have actual effort put into it, and that alone would make any show significantly better than this garbage. The fact is, this show is just a lazy, half-assed attempt to make money off a popular franchise while putting as little effort as possible. And just to emphasize on the point of "striking while the iron is hot," a second season is immediately announced by the end of the last episode. Subtle.
The best way to describe Kancolle would be that it's basically anti-Touhou. It's everything that Touhou isn't- Kadokawa also apparently decided that it didn't want to put any effort into their “game,” so they decided to forbid any Kancolle doujin game whatsoever because having to make anything that's more than a clicking simulator would be far beyond their talents. And then they get this show made just to make sure they can rake in as much money as possible before the popularity wears off. Considering how this show turned out, and how many of its existing fans reacted to it, I think it's pretty safe to say that ZUN made the proper decision. And I think it's pretty worrisome if all this makes a drunken man who can't even get human anatomy correct after nearly a decade seem like Albert fucking Einstein.
