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[Narrator]
There are gajillions of stories...



of mischief and fun,



but to keep things simple,



let's start with just one...



about a mom and two kids...



and a house and a hat...



that, oddly enough,



was worn by a cat.



But soon enough
we will get to all that.



In the valley that stretches
from this hill to that hill,




a city is nestled...



that city is Anville.



- [Kid] Hurry up!
We'll miss the movie!
- Any more tutti-frutti?



I'll check.
Thanks!



[NarratorContinues]
It's a town that's not huge,
but quite big enough...



for buyers and sellers
to sell and buy stuff,



from shoes and shirts...



and elongated ladders...



to sailboats and gibble-grated

berry-juice bladders.



[Horn Honks]



So ourstory begins
at the corner
ofMain and Montroob...



in the spotless
real estate offiice...



run by Hank Humberfloob.



[Woman]
Humberfloob Real Estate. How can
we make yourdreams come true?



[People Chattering]



What do you mean,
you're leaving?



You're a babysitter.
Babysitters don't leave. They sit.



Baby-leavers leave.
I'm sorry. I really
gotta go, Miss Walden.



Well, I need to come home
right away.



All right.
Thank you, Amy.
Sorry.



[Sighs]



Attention, everyone!
It's 9:02.




Staff meeting!
Staff meeting!



[All Gasping, Murmuring]
Look alive, everyone.!



First I'd like to
welcome aboard...



our newest member
of the Humberfloob family,



Jim McFlinnagan!



- Mr. Humberfloob,
I wanted to thank you...
- [All Gasping]



Fired.
I beg your pardon?




Fired.
B-But l...



Fired!



One, two, three,
four, fiive, six, seven,
eight, nine, 10!



As you know, tonight is
our bimonthly"meet and greet" party.



Tonight's host is...
Joan Walden.



This is where people can
meet our real estate agents...



in an informal,
yet hygienic setting.



Mr. Humberfloob,
I have to get home to my kids.



Ah, yes.




Your children.



Joan, let me make this
perfectly clear.



If your house
is as messy as last time,



you're fiired!



[Employees Gasping,
Murmuring]



That's pretty clear,
Mr. Humberfloob.




Don't worry. I promise.



My kids'll be
on their best behavior.



Great.



[Phone Rings]
[Woman]
Humberfloob Real Estate.



How can we make
yourdreams come true?

Please hold.



[Narrator]
Lfyou leave Humberfloob's
and turn left onto Main,



three miles down
you'll fiind Lipplapper Lane,



a pleasant-enough street
in a pleasant-enough way...



where a neighbor greeted neighbor
with a neighborly"Hey.!"



Hey!
Hey!



Here the hedges were hedged,

the weeds were all weeded,



and lawns were mowed daily,



twice daily ifneeded.



And at the end
ofthis street,



in a house like any other,



something magical
would happen...



to a sisterand her brother.



[Barking]




[Barks]
Shh! Nevins!
Stealth mode.



Today's to-do list.



Number one:
Make to-do list.



Number two:
Practice coloring.



Number three:
Research graduate schools.



Number four:
Be spontaneous.



Number fiive:
Create lasting
childhood memories.



And numbersix:

Amend will.



What is he doing?



[Sighs]



[Whines]



[Beeps]



Number 10:
Make tomorrow's to-do list.



Ladies and gentlemen!
[Nevins Barking]



Nevins,
your attention, please.



You are about to witness
the third most spectacular stunt...



ever performed
under this roof!



Do you know how hard it's getting
to tell people that we're related?



Relax.
I'll put everything back.



[Whining]



And now,
for the indoor stair luge!



Indoor stair luge?




I'll have to add this one
to my list.



Go have no fun
somewhere else.



It... is... showtime.!



- [Whimpers]
- [Grunts]



Whoa.!



[Yelling]



- Aah!
- Yeah!



[Groans]



- [Woman] Oh, my word.!
- [Nevins Barking]



Nevins!



Nevins, come back.!



Hey, Mom. What's up?




You are so lucky
you didn't ruin this dress.



Mom, I know
you're angry,



but there's something
you need to know.



This was all Sally's fault.
Oh, really?



And how, exactly,
was it Sally's fault?



Give me a minute.
I'm workin' on it.



Save it, Conrad.



Why today? Why did you
have to pick today
to destroy the house?




You know
what's happening today.



I tried to tell him, Mom.



"Mom's throwing
a very important party," I said.



"All ofher important
clients will be here."



But he went right ahead
and wrecked the house
and let Nevins get away.



Now, again, I hope
you're going to ground him.



Yes, Sally, for a week, but
that's none of your business.



Aweek?
Come on. Two days.



I asked you to do
one thing today, Conrad...




keep the house
clean.



Do you know how frustrating it is
that you're always doing
the exact opposite of what I say?



Knock, knock, knock.



[Growling]
Someone lose a dog?



I found him next door...



in my yard... again.




You are a saint.



And here I thought
you were only dating me
for my good looks.



Lucky us.
Larry Quinn is here.



Hey-a, sport.
Call me Lawrence.
Okay?



You rescued Nevins!
Thanks, Lawrence!



It was my pleasure, Sally.
Anything for my little princess.




Oh, I don't wanna be a princess.



In a constitutional monarchy
parliament has all the real power.



I see.
Okay, that's great.



Uh, look, pal, be a sport.



Why don't you go
tidy up the living room.
Okay...dude?



I don't have to listen to you, Larry.



Conrad,
do what Lawrence says.




Have you given some thought
about the Wilhelm Academy?



You mean the Colonel Wilhelm
Military Academy forTroubled Youth?



That's the one, Joan.



I'm not sure
it's right for Conrad.



Oh, Joan, Joan.



Joan, Joan, Joan.



I have so much respect
foryou, Joan.




Single mother, careerwoman,
raising two children on your own,




and still fiinding time
to be the best darned
real estate agent in town.



I know how hard it is, Joan.



It is hard.
Oh... I know.



And I know
how hard you're trying.



This is a once-in-a-lifetime
proposition,
and you must act now.



The Colonel Wilhelm
Military Academy
forTroubled Youth...



is what we call in the sales game
a win-win scenario.




A top-flight military school,
and it's only... eight hours away.



[Phone Rings]
Oh, the phone.



[Phone Rings]



I heard what you said.



I'm not going to military school, Larry.



Look, buddy,




I know I'm not your dad...



and this is probably
really strange foryou...



your neighbor's
dating your mom.



But here's the thing, son.
Come here.



I don't like you either.



But I'm gonna
marry your mom.



And if it was up to me,
you'd be at military school today.



I'm not going
to military school.
Ohh!



I think you're gonna love it.




It's just like summer camp,



except with brutal forced marches...



and soul-crushing discipline.



And one more thing...
It's Lawrence,
you snot-nosed son of a...



wonderful woman
who I'm absolutely crazy about!
[Grunting] Oww!



Gosh, I love children!



Oh, Joan,
I didn't see you there.



Would you be a doll
and help me bring up chairs
from the basement?




Nothing would give me
more pleasure, Joan,
but I do have to run.



I have a very important
sales conference downtown.



Oh. Okay.



- Well, I'll see you at the party tonight.
- Sure.



Mom, that guy's a total phony.
You can't let Larry...



It's Lawrence, Conrad.
[Doorbell Rings]



Kate's Catering.
I'm here to do your party tonight.




Oh, hi.
Where's Kate?



I'm Kate.
Oh. Okay.



Right this way, Kate.



Mom, you've gotta
listen to me...
[Phone Ringing]



Quiet!
Two weeks ago
you said you would...



[Joan Screams]
I "specialed" it.
See?



Quiet!
Nevins!




[Ringing Continues]
I said quiet!



[Ringing]



Joan Walden Real Estate.
Be it ever so humble,
there's no place likeJoan.



This is Mr. Humberfloob.



- Oh, hi, Mr. Humberfloob.
- Joan, I need you to come back to the offiice.



- Today?
- Yes, Joan.



- No problem?
- No problem at all.




Great!



- [Gasps]
- What's going on, Mommy?



Mommy has to go
back to the offiice.



Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan
can babysit.



- Not Mrs. Kwan!
- [Doorbell Rings]



Oh!
Hi, Mrs. Kwan.



Hi.
I'm running late.




Thanks for babysitting
on such short notice.
Mmm, yeah.



Okay, Mrs. Kwan.



Oh-oh-oh!



I'll be back
in a couple ofhours.
Hi.



Conrad's grounded,
so no video games.



Sally?
Last chance.



If you wanna make cupcakes,
I can take you to
your friend Ginny's house.



- [Growling]
- Ginny's not my friend anymore.



Last time we made cupcakes
she wanted to be the head chef.



I'm the head chef.




What about Denise, then?



She talked back to me,
so I ordered her
not to speak to me anymore.



- And you don't like bossy?
- I won't tolerate it.



Right.



Well, if you're both staying,
remember the rules.



Conrad: No playing ball
in the house, no fiighting,



no answering the phone,
"City morgue."



Mommy,
can't I have some rules?




No chewing tobacco.



Thanks, Mom.
You have my word.



And absolutely no one
sets foot in the living room, or else.



Orelse what?
You're gonna do what Larry said
and send me to military school?



Maybe if you'd just behave,
I wouldn't have to consider military school.



I wish I could trust you.




I wish I had a different mom.



Well, sometimes
I wish the same thing.



[DoorOpens]



[DoorSlams]



Mmm.



Good luck with your meeting.




[Car DoorCloses]



[Grunting]



Children, would you like
to watch television with me?



- We don't have to tell your mother.
- [TV: Channel Changing]




- [Speaking Chinese]
- [Yelling]



[Together]
Taiwanese parliament.
[TV: Yelling, Blows Landing]



You tell them, Kwi-Chang!
No more big government!
[TV: Karate Yells]



Rip his heart out.!



[TV: Blows Landing,

Yelling Continue]



[Snoring]



[Whimpers]



Hit me!
[Sighs]



[Narrator]
So they slumped in theirchairs,



too glum to complain,



and to make matters worse,
it started to rain.



[Butterfly Yelps]



They sat in the house...



on that cold, cold, wet day...



with no fun to have...



and no games to play.



They couldjust
stare out the window...



or perhaps get a nap in,



and hope that something,



anything might happen.



Quit bothering
the fiish.



I know.
Quit bothering the fiish.



Spit hand!
Oh, gross!




Get that away from me!
Get it away!



[Loud Bump]
[Narrator]
Then something went bump.



- What was that?
- [Barks]



How that bump
made themjump.
[Nevins Continues Barking]



[Loud Bumping Continues]
I think it came
from the closet.



[Loud Crash]



[Grunts]



Conrad?



Conrad.



Come on, Conrad.




[Screams]



[Laughing]



You shouldn't scare people.



You should've seen
the look on your face.
It was like you saw a monster...



A monster? Where?



That could've gone better.
[Wheezing Laugh]



[Both Screaming]



[Sally]

What was that?
[Conrad] I don't know.



Looked like
a humongous cat.



"Humongous"?



I prefer the term "big-boned" or"jolly."
Now, what are we hiding from?



[Chortling]




[Both Screaming]



Thatwas a giant cat.



But that's impossible,
isn't it?



It's entirely
impossible.



You know,
I like this hiding place
a lot better.



They'll never

fiind us here.



Scream and run.



[Both Screaming]
And there they go.



Who are you?



Who? Me?



Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat.
There's no doubt about that.



I'm a "super-fun-diferous" feline...



who's here to make sure
that you're...



Meeline? Key lime?




Turpentine?



I got nothin'.



I'm not so good with the rhyming.
Not really, no.



Look, I'm a cat
that can talk.



That should be enough
foryou people!
[Muttering]



I can talk.!
I'm a cat.! Yes.!
[Chortling]



Where did you come from?



Hmm, how do I put this?



When a mommy cat and a daddy cat
love each othervery much,



they decide that...



Oh, no, no, no, no.
Where did you come from?



My place!
Where do you think?
[Snickering]




No, how did you get here?



I drove!



Look, I've been here two whole minutes,
and no one has offered me a drink.



Harumph!



- Sorry, Mr. Cat.
Would you like some milk?
- Milk? Ecch! No!



Lactose intolerant.
Gums up the works. Oy.



You'll thank me later.




[Wheezing, Chortling]



- [Singer Laughing]
Wipeout.!
- Hello!



@¤@¤[SurfRock]
Surf s up!
[Chuckles] Yeah!



Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Yee-hee-hee!



Nice spread you got here.



Homina-homina-homina-homina!




Who is this?



Ohh!



That's my mom.



Awkward, yeah.



Yes, this place will do
quite nicely, actually. Yeah.



Although those drapes
are a train wreck.



[Chortling]



[Snoring]

And this is the lumpiest couch
I ever sat on.



Who is this dreadfully
uncomfortable woman?



Get offher.
That's our babysitter.



What the... Babysitter?



You don't need one of those,
do ya?



Let me get this straight.



You pay this woman...



to sit on babies?



That's disgusting!



I'd do it for nothing!
[Laughing Loudly]



Hmm!



Now, let's see
what the old "phunometer"
has to say.



- "Phunometer"?
- Yeah. It measures
how fun you are.



[Chortling]




Hi.



[Bell Dings]
Huh?



Ohh.



Ah. Control freak.
Yeah.



Now you.



[Whispers]
Hi. How are ya?



- [Bell Dings]
- Whoa!




[Whimpering]



Oh.



Tap it.



Listen, kid,
you can tap it with a hammer,



it ain't gonna change.



Just as I suspected.



You guys are both out of whack.
You're a control freak,
and you're a rule-breaker.



That'll be $700.
Who's your insurance carrier?




- So, what do we do?
- Well, there are two treatments
I'd recommend.



One is a series of painful shots
injected into your abdomen and kneecap.



And the other...



involves a musical number!



@¤@¤[Orchestra:Fanfare]
@ Me-Me-Me-Meow @



How many shots?



[Wheezing]
"How many shots?"
Aren't you precious?




[Gasps]



Maestro!
@¤@¤[Orchestra:Introduction]



@ I know it is wet @



@ And the sun is not sunny @
[Thunderclap]



@ But we can have lots of
good fun that is funny @




[Both Groan]



@ It's fun to have fun @



@ But you got to know how @



[Gagging]



- [Vomits, Liquid Splatters]
- [Both Gasp, Groan]



Hair ball.



@ I know lots of good tricks
and I'll... @



Stop this right now.!
Huh?




- Who said that?
- Me!



Remember? The fiish?



Came home in a Baggie,
loved me for two weeks, and then nothing!



- The fiish is talking!
- Well, sure, he can talk.



But is he saying anything?
No, not really. No.



[Fish]
Hey, Socks, can it.!




This cat should not be here.
He should not be about.



He should not be here
when your mother is out.



Come on, kids!
You gonna listen to him?
He drinks where he pees!



@¤@¤[Salsa]



@There was this cat I knew
back home where I was bred @



@ He never listened to
a single thing his mother said @



@¤He never used the litter box
He made a mess in the hall @¤



@That's why they sent him
to a vet @



@To cut offboth his ba... @



ba... ba...



@ Boy, that wasn't
fun, fun, fun @



@ He never learns
You can have fun, fun, fun @
But less is more!



@They may ship you off to school
so rein it in a little @



@ We can't spell "fun"
without "U" in the middle @



Human, this cat is currently in violation

of... 17 ofyour mother's rules.!



[Rings]
City morgue!



- Eighteen!
- [Laughing]



[Crowd Cheering,
Applauding]



- Olé!
- [Bull Growling]



Ooh!



[Screaming]



@ You can juggle work and play
but you have to know the way @



@ You can keep afloat a wish
like the way I do this fiish @



@¤ You can be a happy fella
Someone throw me that umbrella @¤



@ And that rake, that cake
Life's what you make it @




@ So have fun, fun, fun @



@ Go insane and have
some fun, fun, fun @



@Just look at me
Fun, fun, fun @



@ No more rain
Look, it's the sun, sun, sun @



@ So can't you see
I'm as happy as a clam
I'm as fiit as a fiiddle @



@ Yeah, the dogs
may bark about you @



@ And the purebred chaps
may doubt you @



[Fish]

Getting motion sickness.!



Milk? Big mistake.



@ But remember this
You can't have fun without "U" @



I can't breathe!
Ohh!



Whoa!



I knew that milk would
come back to haunt me.
Help! Help!



- [Loud Burp]
- [Groaning]



[Yelling]




[Grunting]



@"U" in the middle @@



[Gulps]



[Panting, Chuckling]



- Bravo, Cat.
- Huh?



These children are smart enough
not to fall foryour MTV-style flash...



at the expense of content
and moral values.



That was wicked cool!
Do it again!




I'd love to, but Shamu is right...
I really should be going.



- No, don't go!
- No, I should go.



I should let you and the fiish
have all your fun conjugating verbs,



cleaning your room,
doing long division.



No, you have to stay!



All right, I'll stay.
Oh, yeah!
[Conrad] Yeah.!



But if I'm gonna stay,
there's something I wanna show you.




Something magical...



and full of wonder.



- It's called a contract.
- You want us to sign this?



- Just a formality, really. Yeah.
- Who are they?



Magical time-traveling elves.



[Chortling]
Yeah. Magic.



Okay, they're my lawyers.



Liability issues, litigious society,
frivolous lawsuits.



You understand.




Basically, this contract guarantees
you can have all the fun you want...



and nothing bad's
ever gonna happen.



- All the fun we want?
- Uh-yeah!



- Nothing bad will happen?
- Uh-no!



Come on, Sal,
for once in your life
try something spontaneous.



It goes against
my better instincts, but...



fiine.



Beautiful.
Initial here.




And here. And here.



Not here!



[Wheezes]



Turn it over.



This is nothing.



[Clears Throat]
Scratch this.



Smell that!
Terrifiic.



Yadee-yadee-yadee.



Sign the bottom.

[Pencil Scratching On Paper]



You're it!
Okay, gimme fiive!



Four.



[Chortling]



Let's get this party
started! Uh-huh!



Hey, check out this room!
[Laughing]



What now?



Mom says we're not
allowed in the living room
today, or else.




She's worried we'll mess up the couches
byjumpin'on 'em orsomethin;



And she's right.
You can't jump on these.



Not like this.
They need some adjustment.
Yee-haw!



[Chuckling]



Let's take a look
under the hood.



[Spits] Yeah.
[Chuckles]




Just doin' my job.
[Fart]



Sorry.
What have we got here?



Whew.



Here we go.
[Chortles]



It's oversized.
That's unusual.



Here it is.
[Grunts]



[Elephant Trumpets]



Down, Simba!
Down, Simba!
Get outta here!



Spray me, would ya?
You...




[Whimpering]
[Trumpeting Continues]



[Choking]



[Blows Landing]
[Elephant Whimpering]



[Panting]



- [Elephant Trumpets]
- Thanks for the help.




Back in a second.
Who's your couch mechanic?



You oughta call
Mr. Catwrench.



[Grinding, Rumbling]
Oww! My fur!
My fur! My fur!



[Groaning, Shouting]



That oughta do it.
Whoo!



[Chortling]



[Laughing]



Come on, kids.
I could use a little company.




What about Mom's party?



What about it?
We signed the contract.



Wha-hoo!
[Laughing] Yeah!



One cushion left,
Sally.



She'll never do it.
She doesn't know
how to have fun.



Fun? Sally,
you're betterthan fun.
Fun is beneath you.



Remember
what your mother told you...



No one sets foot
in the living room...
[Conrad Shouting]



You know what?
Let's just watch some flashbacks.



[Voice Slowed Down]
Absolutely no one sets foot
in the living room, or else.



You're fiired... fiired... fiired...



fiired... fiired... fiired...




[Takes Deep Breath]
Fiired... fiired... fiired... fiired...



And that's why...
[Groans]



Oww!



This is where
they buried my brother.!



[Cat Laughing]
[Conrad]
Yeah.!



[All Laughing]
Yippee!
Oh, yeah!



This is amazing!
Like being
in the circus!



Yeah, but without
those tortured animals...



or drunken clowns
that have hepatitis.



See, kids, I told you
we could have fun!



[Laughing Continues]
[Conrad] The best thing is,
no one will ever...



know.



Judas Priest!
I can't believe what I'm seeing!



Oh, Mr. Quinn,
I was just telling Conrad
to get off the couch.



Bad, Conrad!
Bad!



Sally,



baby, angel, princess,



I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, okay?



Nobody likes a suck-up!




[Quinn Laughing]



Where's the cat?
I don't know.



[Burps]
Ohh!



Good bread.



What are you two
lookin' at?



[Sneezing]



Is there a cat in here?



[Sneezing Continues]




I'm gonna...
You're gonna...



I have to...
[Sneezes]



[Sneezes]
Get out ofhere.



[Sneezes Twice]



[Both Laughing]



See, kids, I told you.
Stick with me, it'll all work out.



[Sneezes]
Oh, no! Ohh!
[Chortling]



Little-known fact...
cats always land on their tushy.



- I thought they always
landed on their feet.
- Oh, sure, now you tell me.




Harumph!
[Chortling]



- So, kiddo, what do you
want to do for fun?
- I wanna make cupcakes!



Cupcakes? Oh, yeah!
[Chortling]
To the kitchen!



[Announcer]
Live from the kitchen,



the following is
a paid commercial announcement

forAstounding Products.



Hi! Welcome to
Astounding Products.



[Laughing]



I'm your host,
the guy in the sweaterwho asks
all the obvious questions.



[Studio Audience
Laughing]



Now, here to tell us
about his astounding product
for making cupcakes,



all the way
from Cheshire, England,
please welcome...



Me! Hello!
[Chuckling]



Now... Hello!
I'm so excited!



Do you love
making cupcakes,



but hate all
the hard cupcake work?



I know I do!



Well, forget
everything you know
about making cupcakes...




and say hello...



to the amazing Kupkake-inator.



- I'm so excited!
- [Audience Chuckling]



Cupcake-a-what?



[Cat, Audience]
Kupkake-inator!



Oh, this amazing device
can instantly make cupcakes...



out of anything that
you have in the kitchen.




- Wait a minute.
Did you say"anything"?
- Anything.



Anything?
Yes, anything.



Anything?
Anything.



- Anything?
- I'll get you, and it'll look
like a bloody accident.



- [Audience Tittering]
- Anything.



Now, take off the lid.
You can put in, I don't know,
a carton of eggs.



What?
How about
a pack ofhot dogs?




That's incredible!
Why not some ketchup?



Yeah, why not?
How about...
I know what you're thinkin'.



Even a fiire extinguisher.
There we go.



Hmm?



Now, close the lid
and Bob's your flippin' uncle!



What an
astounding product!



[Audience Applauding]
Oh, yeah!



Open the drawer,
[Bell Dings,
Motor Whirring]




Fiill the patented
Kupkake-inator tray,
[Audience Gasping]



- Close the drawer,
- [Audience Continues Gasping]



Then place it
in a conventional oven.



[Audience Laughing,
Applauding]



Delicious cupcakes
are just minutes away.



Did you just say
"minutes away"?



[Host, Audience]
That's impossible!



You're not just wrong,
you're stupid.
Now, wait just a minute...



And you're ugly,
just like your mum.



[Audience Gasping]
Did you just call
my mother ugly?



Shut up! I mean it!
I will end you!




- [Grunts]
- [Audience, Cat Gasping, Groaning]



Um, Cat.
Your tail.



What about it?



Oh, I see! I've chopped it off.
That's interesting, because...



Son of a bi...
[Beep]



@¤@¤[Whistling
"The Girl From Ipanema"]




Look, I'm not saying
we're going to sue.



I'm just saying
we have a case.



We'll talk later.
Lxnay, ixnay.



[Wheezes]
Hi.



Cat, is the oven
supposed to be
making that sound?



Huh?



Of course. That means
they're almost done, Conrack.



- Conrad.
- That's what I said, Condor.



- Cat!
- Now, that's my name!




[Oven Whirring, Rumbling]



[Timer Bell Dings]
Yep!



They're done!



Oh, man!
There's nothing
to worry about.



I'm sure
they still taste fiine.



Yecch!
They're horrible!




Who wants some?
Come on, come on!
[Chortling]



Oh... my... cod.



Ohh! Aah!



Cat, you need to
clean this mess up pronto.



We have a contract.
All right, I'll try.



You don't try. You do.



Yes, ma'am.
Right away, ma'am.



[Coughs]
I'll be right back.



Whoa!

[Crash]



[Chortling]



[Snoring]
Hi.
How are ya?



Okay.
[Chortling]



Look. I'm a girl.



[Giggling, Purring]



Stop! That's...



[Together]
Mom's dress!




[Gasps]
This fiilthy thing?



She was gonna wear that tonight,
and you ruined it.



Honey, it was ruined
when she bought it.



Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.



I told you
all this would happen.!



- But no one listens to a fiish!
- Oy.




A dog goes "woof-woof"
and everybody knows that
little Timmy's trapped undera log.



But a fiish speaks
in plain English...



All right, everyone,
let's just take a deep breath
and calm down.



[Inhaling, Exhaling]




You know who's gonna solve it?
Me. I am.



I will personally
take care of everything.



And I know
just the guys to do it.



[Wheezing]



[Chortling]



In this box are two Things.
I will show them to you.




Two Things, and I call them
Thing One and Thing Two.



These Things will not bite you.
They want to have fun.



So without further ado,



meet Thing Two
and Thing One!



[Whooping, Babbling]



@Ta-da @



Oh, yeah!
[Chortles]




Thing One, Conrad, Sally.
Conrad, Sally, Thing One.



Thing Two, Conrad, Sally.
Conrad, Sally, Thing Two.



Thing One, Thing Two.
Thing Two, Thing One.
Conrad, Sally. Sally, Conrad.



I am the Cat.
Don't belittle me.



Ah, yes, of course.



Thing Two would like to
clarify that just because
he wears the number two...




does not imply in any way
that he's inferior to Thing One.



And all of the above.



He says you may feel free
to call him Thing "A," if you like.



He will also accept SuperThing,
Thing King, Kid Dynamite,



Chocolate Thun-Da...
or Ben.
[Chuckles] Ben!



[Thing OneJabbering]



Thing One says
he's Thing One for a reason,



and some people
should just get used to it.




It's a Thing thing.
You wouldn't understand.



[ThingsJabbering,
Arguing]
Okay, enough!



You are quickly turning into
one of my least favorite Things.



Listen, Convex,
you probably don't
wanna do that.



Why not?
It's just a crate.



This isn't just any old crate.



It's the Trans-dimensional
Transportolator.



It's kinda like a doorway
which leads from this world
to my world.




But it says,
"Made in the Philippines."



Yes, but not this Philippines.



Look, now,
I'm not usually a rules guy,
but this is a biggie.



No opening the crate.




No lookee, no touchee.
Got it?



[Thing]
Mekka-dekka we should
settle ourdifferences.



[Jabbering]



[Cat]
Things, front and center.!



Cool.



All right, Things,
I'm not paying you to
stand around and look pretty.



Here's Mom's dress.



[Thing Cackling]
Oh.! Mommy's dress.!



[BothJabbering, Giggling]




- [Gasp]
- [Gasp]



- What about the couch?
- Which couch?



The clean one,
orthe horribly stained one?



- [Wheezing]
- [Jabbering Continues]



Ho!
[Chortling]



Mekka-dekka
don't worry!



Incoming!




Cat, they're wrecking
the whole house.!



[Snoring]



[Groans,
Continues Snoring]



[Jabbering, Giggling Continue]



- Conrad, help!
- Help yourself!



Look at me!
Come and get it!




[ContinuesJabbering]



[Grunts]
Whoa! Ooh, yeah! Whoa!



[Giggles]
That tickles!



[Jabbering]
Geronimo!



[Jabbering, Grunting]



[Crab Lock]
Mine, mine, mine!
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!



Ride 'em, cowboy!
Yee-hee-hee! Ho-ho-ho! Whee!



[Snoring]



[Continues Snoring]




If this were my house,
I'd be furious.



[Laughing]



Hey! Klondike!



Do you have any idea
what happened to the lock
on this crate?



- It's on Nevins's collar.
- Nevins?



[Sally]
Nevins? Nevins.!




Put the dog down!
I said, put the dog down!



Why won't they
listen to me?



Oh. I don't know if this helps,
but the Things always do
the opposite of what you say.



Why do they always
do the opposite?
That's so annoying!



Remind you of anyone,
Conrad?



Zinga!
[Things Cackling]



Zinga! Zinga!




Blue! 41! Set!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!



Hey, Thing,
don't let go of that dog!



Let go!



[Conrad] Catch him...
I mean, don't catch him.!
[Screams]




[Crab Lock Chuckles]
[Barks]



Well, this is just great, Conrad.



The whole house is destroyed,
the party is ruined,
and now Nevins is gone.



Sally, Kojak,



that's nothing compared
to what's gonna happen
if we don't lock this crate.



Take a look.
It's already leaking.



[Grunting]



- It won't stay shut.
- Not without the lock.



Look, if we don't get that lock off of Nevins
and put it back on this crate,




we're gonna be staring down
the business end
of the mother of all messes.



[Grunting]
We've gotta go out
and fiind Nevins.



[Grunts]
Impossible! Sally!



There's only four hours
till the party.



The Fish is right.
We should call Mom
and tell herwhat happened.



Look at this house!
There's no way we could
explain this to Mom.




We gotta get Nevins back
and lock the crate!



We're staying and calling Mom.



We're going and getting the dog.



[Sinister Voice]
There is a third option.



@¤@¤[Organ:Dramatic]
There is?



Yes. It involves...



murder!
@@ [Dramatic Chords]




- That's your option?
- No.



But you guys both had options.
I just wanted to have one too.



[Chuckling]
Or did I?



- Cat, you're not helping!
- Come on. Let's go get that dog.



Now, wejust need
a heavy, inanimate object
to weigh down this crate.




[Kids Grunting]



[Grumbling]



There. That oughta
buy us some time.



Come on, kids!
Let's go, go, go!
[Wheezing Laugh]



[Grunting, Sighing]



[Man On TV]
Identical sister Mitzy...



[Sighs]
[Man #2 On TV]
That's right.



[Grunts]



- [Knocking]
- Yeah!



What do you want now?



Repo.




You're repossessing my TV?



I'm sure I made a payment.



If it's about that bounced check,
let me give you a credit card.



That one's expired.
Huh? Oh, come on!



[Woman On TVGrunting]



[Narrator]
With the lock on his collar,

Nevins kept running,



unaware ofhis part...



in the evil Quinn's cunning.
[Ringing]



Joan Walden Real Estate.
Be it ever so humble, there's no...



Oh, hi, Joan.



The kids let the dog
out again.
You're kidding.




Don't worry. I'll go get him,
then we'll have a conversation
vis-a-vis military school.



I don't know.
Conrad's like you, Lawrence.



He's very... sensitive.
Uh-huh.



[Sighs]
But I suppose it's something
I should consider.



I'll get the dog.
I'll be right over.
[Dial Tone Hums]



[Sighs]



[Groaning]



- [Barking]

- [Conrad]
Okay, there's Nevins.



Stay out of sight.
[Barks, Growls]



@¤@¤[Violin Strings Plucking]



@@ [Plucking Continues]




I thought the moment
needed something.



Oh, what will become of us?



Your motherwill lose her job,



and we'll have to...
live on the street!



[Sobbing]
I can't! Don't make me go...



[Groans]
I don't know this world.!



It's dry! It's like...
I can't... It's too...
Fish!




It's too much!



Would you like to go back
in the toilet?



On second thought,
it's such a beautiful day.
Why spend it indoors?



- Thank you!
- [Gasps]



Okay, kids.
Get out of my way.



This fence is no match
for my cat-like grace and reflexes.
Here we go.



[Neck Muscles,
Knuckles Cracking]
[Exhales]



Ow. Okay.
Watch me fly, kids.
[Wheezing Laugh]



[Loud Crash]

[Grunting]



Ow!



I don't think
the little girl's even trying.



What about your
cat-like... reflexes?



What about showing a little effort,
shrimp boat? Now, push!



Whaa!



All right, Nevins.



Time to die.



- [Whimpering]
- Cat, you scared him away!




Dirty hoe.



I'm sorry, baby.
I love you. Hmm.



[Conrad]
Come on, Cat.!



[Yipping]
There he is!



[Children Shouting]




[Man]
Happy birthday, Denise.



[Sally]
Denise?



Everyone I know
is there.



There's Ginny and Alan.



How come Denise didn't
invite me to her birthday?




Don't worry. Let'sjust
get Nevins and go.



- [Woman] Okay, kids.
Everyone outside.!
- [Kids Screaming]



[Yelling]



Aaah!




Nevins.
Cat, get down!
They're gonna see you!



Hide.!



[Excited Shouting]



[Chanting]
Piñata! Piñata! Piñata!



Piñata! Piñata!



Piñata.! Piñata.!
[Nervous Grumbling]



- [Groans]
- Everybody join in!




[Girl]
It's breaking!



Step out of my way.



This cannot end well.



- Piñata! Piñata!
- [Howling]



@¤I'm easy @¤



@¤Ah, ah, ah, ah @¤
[Whinnying]




@¤I'm easy
like Sunday morning @¤@¤



- [Howling]
- [Both Groaning]



[Howling Continues]



Oh-ho-ho! Whoo!



- Oh.! Whoo-hoo.!
- I got an idea.




[Conrad]
Candy.!



Candy!



[Growls]



[Both]
No!



Get back!
Cat!



[Cat Grunts]
I'll get you!




[Sighs]
[Phone Rings]



[Gasping]
I'd love to buy some.



Hello, Mrs. Kwan.
It'sJoan Walden.



I just called
to check on the kids.
Are they okay?



[Chuckles]
Those aren't children.



They're little angels.



[All Laughing]




That's sweet.



Well, all right, Mrs. Kwan.
I'll be home as soon as I can.



Bye-bye.
Bye.



[Things Babbling]



[Sighs]



[Groans, Snores]



[Excited Chortling]



[Cat]
All right, soldier.
Our bogey is in range.



Commence
search and destroy.



- What?
- Search and rescue.



I meant search and rescue.
Come on!




I can't believe I wasn't
invited to that party.



Hey!
You're a lone wolf.



[Whispering]
Live alone, die alone.
Yeah.



- Can we please get the dog?
- [Mocking]
Can we please get the dog?



Can we please get the dog?
Boo!



[Conrad]
Oh, no.! Oh, man.!




Hello, Nevin