| Hello! I've recently gotten into writing and am working on developing my prose/getting the fundamentals down. I have the (very early) beginnings of two short stories I'm working on and would greatly appreciate any feedback (especially criticism). I'm especially curious to see if people think my writing has any potential whatsoever. Thanks! Excerpt #1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vQ59yonFGwH0daZVnuxXhbMBWloIypo2JpuVQikOyPgiPONvaFI8LGBMOxA1LSfhLqGAGBjqDx898Xa/pub Excerpt #2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vSeE0MhLnHllDYw4seEA3TN0Fz6FgziBJMZv5RYI3KoajbYJiGeRoM5HoZ-zlxn2b1lxViinyQ-wJih/pub |
YungStairwellMay 13, 11:03 PM
| So I'll re-edit this comment when I'm less tired to see if I'll still stand by it, but here's some constructive criticism/nitpicks from a non-writer. Just someone who worries way to much about grammar: - Excerpt #1; - In the first line of the first paragraph you use a simile to compare Stump's stomach to a punch bowl. In the second sentence you say, "...red drink sloshed around...", which I presume you mean blood. Just a kinda strange thing to have the reader imply. And then in the third sentence you again refer to it as a punch bowl, which for me is just a strange thing to do. The point was already made that their stomach is eviscerated, there is really no need to continue to do it. - The line, "...said Zag, the driver", implies that this is likely an introductory chapter. And for me at least, you are name dropping alot of people in a short amount of time, which could confuse a reader into who's who and what they do. In this excerpt, you introduce five individuals who we would need then need to try to keep track of. - You mention a god and capitalize the G in god. You're not really referring to a specific god, so doing that is not really necessary. - Excerpt #2; - No criticism here, first paragraph has descriptive storytelling, which allows you to immerse yourself into the world the character is living in. - Third paragraph, how big is that medicine drawer? I don't think any drawer I've seen that people would use to store medicine can fit a gallon tub in it. The phrase, "I reach into the medicine drawer and take out three items...", is just a bit strange to me. More specifically, the "...three items..." part, I understand being descriptive. But to me being that descriptive is weird, contrary to popular belief, the reader can most likely count. - Obviously, I do not know the characters full story. But it is deeply concerning to me that this individual has a gallon tub full of non-descript pills and is just willing to take pills from it. In addition, I spoke to a friend of mine who entering into a medical field and has experience with working with pills. It is quite hard to crush pills in your hand for the average person. Especially pills with a protective coating as you described. Certain pills are designed to be crushed or broken, but not necessarily in your hand. - As stated, prior, there are some things that we obviously do not know as it is just an excerpt. But what was the point of the excerpt from the book. With the way I read, I typically skim over what I'm reading initially to get a feel for what I am reading and then read it in detail. It just seemed odd and really out of place. - The phrase, "The strong sense to piss fills my bladder" is just funny to me and something I never expected to read. - "" - Ah yes, "hidden". - In the last paragraph, you mention a septic tank. From what you have written I take it that the tank is located partially above ground. While they can be, septic tanks are often permanently installed partially above ground. I hope this doesn't discourage you. As you said, you're aspiring writer looking for feedback on whether you have potential. Everyone has potential to do anything, you just need to put in the work. Would either of these be something I read? Probably not, don't really fit my taste (then again, I haven't read a fiction book in years). Edit: Still stand by it, and some grammar fixes. |
bevarnowMay 16, 6:54 AM
 Be safe and well travels, Chris |
| ^ Wow those are some good points. Mine will be pretty basic and my intention is not to come across as mean, so this is just some feedback from a mere reader: 1st Excerpt - I felt that the tension of the scene was misplaced, it seemed that the focus was more on Wicker and Zag arguing than on poor old Stump bleeding out in the back (maybe it was just how the excerpt was selected). - When Wicker palmed his forehead I expected it to leave a bit of Blood on his brow, bringing some attention back to Stump's condition. But I think I'm just wanting too much from the little bit I've been given. - What was Sunshine doing before he or she shouted, was he/she just sitting there calmly amid the chaos? - I really liked the pace though, and it makes me wonder what this Wicker character is really about, with his grinning while next to the wounded, how invested he is with the coin thing (pun intended :P ) and the way he caused some uneasiness in Zag. EDIT: 2nd Excerpt - I liked the 1st person Noir feel in the beginning of this piece. Kinda like something 'Max Payne' would narrate out aloud. - I had a little bit of trouble figuring out the part about the callousness. At first I thought it meant he was numb to the world, then I thought about callouses on the bottom of his feet, but that would mean the callouses would be "inches deep" and thought that can't be right, surely his feet aren't that padded. I got a bit puzzled here. - regarding the "Fucking Mondays" part. Having characters complain (internally or otherwise) about something while introducing them, kinda throws me off a bit. Along with a cliche mirror scene (which actually worked here quite nicely I might add), or a waking up scene, a getting ready scene, or a being chased scene. These types of intro sequences can come across as a bit typical or factory produced. maybe just something to keep an eye out for. - That's one hell of lolly jar full of pills, was it lying down in the medicine drawer maybe? also a recurring image of a sloshing-around stomach like theme from excerpt 1. (not a complaint lol) - The book passage was a nice addition, but it seems that your dialogue is often replied to with disapproval from another character, like in excerpt 1. And also another recurring theme of lock-picking. (stomachs and lock-picking) - The part following him taking a leak was quite jarring, the character went from stumbling slowly and shuffling about with bloodshot eyes to RUN RUN RUN and cutting corners in an instant, did he even zip up? xD funny image if he just dashed off mid-piss with his bits dangling lol sorry sorry. maybe the drugs had something to do with it. - The baseball bat under the door mat felt a bit strange, unless the bat was beneath a floor board under the mat? 'End Part' Without too much to go on, so far you seem to be stronger writing in 1st person. You know how make a character experience an event in a meaningful way. You can immerse the reader in a scene (especially the 1st part of excerpt 2). I don't know much about prose but while reading I didn't feel like I was tripping over my tongue, and I was able to get through without it feeling clumsy. If I had to point something out overall, maybe a bit of character description, but these were short stories so I can understand that. I'm more of a Fantasy/Sci fi reader so I'm not sure if I'll read something like this either, But thank you for posting it I'm sure the genre will suit countless others. So yea keep writing, these are great if they're early attempts. And if they aren't, then keep writing anyway. :) |
luckyruneMay 19, 10:12 PM
on @bevarnow Sorry for the late reply. I appreciate the feedback; this gives me some great things to think about. And no worries, you didn't come off as a dick at all. This kind of criticism is exactly what I'm looking for. Thanks again, seriously. |
| @luckyrune Thanks for taking the time to look this over! The feedback is really helpful, especially what you had to say about excerpt #2. For one thing, I hadn't realized just how quickly the pace changed post-piss. I agree it is a bit jarring and sudden. Thanks again! I really appreciate it. |
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