Jingai-san no Yome

There is nothing in it. It's not funny, not cute, not touching, not even eye pleasing, nothing. It's so bad it doesn't even deserve an ironic review which would only lure people into thinking "it's so bad it's good", but it's not the case.

So what do we got here? We are in a world where young males are chosen at school by weird creatures to become their wives. The young males have no prior knowledge of the creatures, have never spoken with them, and yet they all seem very pleased and instantly fall in love. The creatures range from small piggy like things to huge ... bear like creatures, not to forget female one winged cyclops twins. To make things better, half of those creatures do not speak. How do they reproduce? No idea, and the show won't give a clue (fortunately!).

One day, the main protagonist, whose name I already forgot, is chosen as a mate by (Ba)Kanenogi-san. A speechless 2.5 meters high creature, stupid enough to continuously bump his head on the wall above the door until the MC tells him to bend down... But everything is well, because Bakanenogi-san's fur is so fluffy... Oh yeah, Bakanenogi-san eats bricks too, something that I guess was supposed to be funny. Ahem.

Everything in this show is bad. The art is subpar, as is the animation. As for the sound, yep, pretty bad as well. I could do with all this if at least it was funny, but alas, the humor is nonexistent. This is really appalling. Yes, I get it's a 3 minutes show, but some 3 minutes animes achieve much more than this. I really enjoyed "Aiura" (4 minutes) a few years ago. Yesterday I laughed a lot wathcing "Orenchi no Furo Jijou" (4 minutes), and "Teekyuu" with its frantic pace manages to be funny in 2 minutes. "Jingai-san no Yome" just sucks.

Seriously, even the infamous "Mars of Destruction" is a hundred times better than this piece of crap, and that is saying! Yes, it is that bad.

What makes an effective psychological horror? Is it the claustrophobic ambiance evoked, your deepest fears that writhe in the deepest crevices of your mind unveiled, or perhaps the dawning of existential dread crawling up your spine, as you realize you will one day die? “Sure, all of them work,” I would have said two days ago. But that was the old me; she is now dead and buried, being feasted on by worms. No, the new me has seen a comedy anime that inadvertently threw away all my ancient preconceptions on what constituted truly disturbing horror out the window.

Welcome to the fucked up world ... of Jingai-san no Yome.

Oh sure, the cover photo looks cutesy. A demure teenage boy sitting awkwardly with his sentient throw rug of a monster sidekick, right? Maybe we can expect some light-hearted isekai shenanigans or a tale about the importance of friendship and rainbows. I, too, used to be that naïve, dear reader. Now prepare to kiss away the last remnants of your innocence, because this is actually the story of a boy forced into sexual slavery to a reject abominable snowman.

From its first episode all the way to its uncomfortable conclusion, my face was contorted into a silent scream, madness dawning in my eyes. Elementary and high school boys are chosen by monsters to become their “wives”. Why the series refers to them as wives instead of husbands will remain one of the universe’s unresolved mysteries. In this chilling society, schools serve as de-facto marriage-arranging companies. Each student’s homeroom teacher informs them of their grim fate with a smile, the kids’ loud protests ignored. They marry these strange creatures, and live in a house funded by the government. If suspicions arise that the marriages are fake, students must submit proof of their commitment to the ward office. I am not making any of this shit up.

Jingai-san no Yome tries to present itself as a wacky romcom, but I could see right through the facade. No joke lands, its slapstick fails, and every romantic moment destroys the last remaining pieces of my hope for humanity. Despite not having a trace of world-building, I still needed answers. Normally, when a story has a sloppy presentation of its setting, I will quickly lose interest. Not so here. Hundreds of questions bubbled up within me as I completed episode after episode. Where are their parents? What do first-year students do in their school’s ‘Wives Club’? Why are girls never chosen as partners for these monsters? Why is child bestiality so widely accepted in this world? Does God stay in heaven because he too lives in fear of what he has created?

I remind you all that this anime is one of the very few that focuses on married life. Let that sink in. To my eternal dismay, plenty of romantic scenes abound. Thankfully, it is all PG-13, or I might have had to jump off a bridge. However, the rating still does not completely blunt the blow, for what the audience sees is enough to raise goosebumps all over their flesh. In episode 5, we see the main character, Hinowa, taking a bath with his monster husband, Kanenogi. He looks at his lover’s tail, eyes glistening, cheeks bright red as if kissed by a cherub. He jumps out of the tub as if struck by lightning, hastily readjusting the towel around his hips. Someone call 911, I’m going into cardiac arrest.

The rest of the characters are introspective, deep, and charismatic, in much the same way like roadkill rotting under the sun is. Other monster husbands appear in the series: a mummy with a crude smiley face drawn on, a balding pig with a Japanese conical hat, and two bat-like humanoid twins wearing red stockings. It is a shame Shakespeare died so early, for he would have written countless sonnets about their love.

Animation looks like it was done on a shoestring budget, but I suppose there was some creativity involved in the monster design. Kanenogi looks like a Wampa from Star Wars finally deciding on settling down. He wasn’t getting any in Hoth. Hinowa’s design is rather hideous; he looks as if he got a haircut at a slaughterhouse. Other male characters’ designs look interchangeable except for their hair. For example, one kid has long red hair and the other looks like a backup dancer from NSYNC’s heydays. Voice acting is passable. Deku’s (from My Hero Academia) voice actor was cast for the main lead’s role; I sure hope his agent knows what s/he is doing. OST is disappointing. Instead of the more thematically fitting demonic choir from Hell chants, we get cookie-cutter pop songs and uninspired synth tracks.

As for the ending…well…Stockholm syndrome has kicked in for good. Very sad.

Recommended only to brave motherfuckers with huge ovaries/balls of steel. Your courage inspires us all.

This anime is 3 minutes per episode, 12 episodes, and tries very hard to be cute but falls flat in every department. While running forward at breakneck speeds and not explaining itself at all we enter a world where it is okay for teenage boys to be married off to what appear to be monsters or yokai that they've never met before.

Normally, this is where I would ring up the furry community, but none of the featured creatures match eachother in any way. They call their chosen boys "wives" and each boy fulfills very feminine rolls like cooking, dating, wearing the dress at the ... wedding, etc.

With such a limited runtime of 3mins per episode, this feels more like a sunday paper comic brought to life than any sort of cohesive story. I like cute, I don't mind gender-swapping roles or romance, but this was just so strange I couldn't get my head around it.

Who are these creatures? Why do none of them speak? Why do they get to look through a high school yearbook and select a boy to marry? Why do they call the boys "wives", not "husbands"? Why are all of the creatures genderless? Why is it appropriate to find a high school boy for this, why not an adult if you're looking for a companion that can care for you? Why are some of them like gigantic stuffed animals, and others are like tiny-puppy sized?

I have too many questions, and the 36-minute run time of the entire series (with credits added in!) is not enough to answer ANY of them. If you can't enjoy the ludicrous concept, stay away.

3/10

Just... Why....?

To be honest, I checked this short anime out because of all the attention it received from tiktok. It was weird enough to make me want to check it out... and as expected, I did not enjoy this one bit. I finished all 12 episodes (considering they're only 3 minutes each, it was a fast experience) around midnight with a friend over the phone, and God was this a nightmare. The only way you'd enjoy watching this anime is if you were into making yourself suffer and you like questioning your own existence. The whole concept is just so weird and appaling. Is this ... somehow the writer's secret fantasy? Is the writer a furry? I don't know but I'm gonna start having nightmares I think.

A short review for a short "anime"

Imagine you're in school and while you're busy sitting at your desk being bored listening to the teacher drone on someone comes into the school and is greeted by a teacher who shows them a graduation school book. This acts as a catalogue that they may choose any student from the student body to marry without any prior consent or knowledge. This is completely normal in this society and is in-fact encouraged by the treacherous teacher who not only willingly, but happily plays her part in the system. And as the man flips through the pages the picture of ... a particular student spots their eye and their greasy finger slides up to point at it- their choice made, and a life stolen.

But because it's a big furry bear-like creature it's totally okay.

Yeah fuck this "anime". I don't know who this show was made for. I really don't. Comedy fans will find it unfunny. SoL fans will find its superficial writing annoying. Boys can't relate to the main character. Girls can't relate to the monster thing. And fujoshi can't see two human males to get wet to. Not only is the premise completely creepy but, if you can somehow get past it, the events that lay out are some of the most generic, boring, shallow "rom-com" crap presented by one-note, flat characters that has been done a million times better in every other show. And seriously, at best the main character is a perverted beta male who's also a massive furry. It's more interesting to watch if you follow my personal head-cannon that the boys are poor souls who were brought by sick-minded child traffickers as slaves to be their "wives" and all the stuff that happens in the "anime" is their hallucinations brought on by the torture they endure every day in order to cope with reality. This is why every situation is absurd and "wholesome" because their minds are so shattered they can only imagine what life could be if they truly were in a normal, healthy relationship. Kanenogi being able to move blindingly fast represents the inability of the poor main character to physically run away from his captor since he'll just be caught up to. And the constant stalking shows that he's under constant surveillance and cannot hope to plan an escape. Things like these are all re-contextualized into "wholesome", "funny" moments the accursed main cast laugh at and relate to. They are married to monsters, yes. But not the fun ones portrayed in this show. The ones that dress up in human form and commit heinous acts against the helpless and weak.

And the animation is choppy and cheap and the pacing is so slow even for 3-minute long episodes that I had to watch it at 1.75x speed. Ok bye.