| Needs... more before I can judge it properly. Based on the summary right now, I would not watch or read this because it seems rather basic. Guy living regular life blah blah blah... then suddenly something happens to change his regular life of course. Plus he seems basic by himself. You'll need more characters and a bit more of an explanation of what the "end" is. |
| Signature removed. Please follow the signature rules, as defined in the General Forum Guidelines. |
| I would have to agree and disagree with the above poster. In my opinion most introductions are pretty simple but like he said, there needs to be more information for me to actually judge. I feel it has potential but you would have to give us more background information of this "game" you call "end". |
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| A shorter tagline would be better. A life and death battle sounds interesting. |
| What is this I don't even? Mobyz said: Akira soon discovers End, a game so iniquitous the human soul darkens as soon as one enters this twilight zone. A rigid test of the human identity, soul, heart and self preservation. Sounds much like WoW. |
| A pretty good start, I'd say. |
| Note: the below is just advice. You don't have to stick to it if you don't want to. If you know something different would work for you, by all means do it. By the way I have stuff specific to your story after the =+++= if you want to skip to that. Go away and come up with more info before you start uploading stuff about it into the public domain. Personally I find that if I don't do this then the very act of uploading stuff for it will dampen my enthusiasm for a story I am writing. Some things you will need: First off, decide what you want the dominant influence in developing the story will be. For example, do you want to create characters and/or a world and then write the story around this, or do you want to create a story and add characters and/or create a world to serve a purpose within the story? This may not end up having an influence on the story, but it is often possible to differentiate between these. For example, the Haruhi Suzumiya series is an example of the first, whereas the discworld series (not an anime I know but still) is almost exclusively an example of the second. Either can create a brilliant result at the end of the day. Do you even want to create a world at all? Note that stories that are often supposedly in the real world still often involve world creating, but there are some series out there which are actually set in the real world. Bear in mind, though, that setting it in the real world doesn't make it easier - it just replaces imagination with research. Once you've done that, set out on whatever you decided to have as your dominant influence. If you've decided to use the world setting as the story basis... Well, my advice would be to go out and buy The Rivan Codex by David and Leigh Eddings, even if you've never read the Belgariad, which is what the book is talking about. It gives a very good (and fairly rare) example of how a successful author used this method to create a story. Admittedly, the story was also very heavily based on literary tropes, but the process still involved inventing the world, then creating characters and the story out of this world. If you decide to use characters as the story basis, then come up with all the main characters in detail. Come up with backgrounds even if they will never be explored, character traits and quirks, how the background leads to these quirks, the character's opinion of themself, the character's dream, the character's opinion of other people. You should know the stuff. There are resources for this style of character creation all over the place. But the resources often neglect the next stage. Because the characters and the story have to connect. So if you start by building the characters, you need to develop the story and (if applicable) the world based around these characters. As a result, many people who use this method effectively will create characters with very distinctive personalities (again, see Haruhi Suzumiya). From this they can come up with the situations that the characters would get themselves into, and how they react to it. And there's your story. However, I always think that this method, while the easiest to do SOMETHING with, is by far the hardest to do something GOOD with. It's all too easy to create cliches with this method, which should be avoided unless you want to parody or deliberately subvert them. Plus the fact that people think this method is easy and the done way of doing things inevitably leads to people who don't really know what they are doing selecting this method by default. It can be done effectively, but you will need to be something very special to do so. The third method, coming up with the story and then building everything around that, is my personal favourite. This involves writing out a synopsis of the story before doing anything. I'm not sure how long it should be for an anime as I've never even tried to create one myself, but in writing I generally make the synopsis about 7-10% of the length of the final story. Leave out any speech or descriptions for now that aren't absolutely crucial to the plot. They can be added later. I typically use a set batch of code names too - you want to be focusing on the storyline, not the characters. Coming up with names, appearances etc. would just prove a distraction. As you go along, you will start to get a feel for what the characters and the world should be like in the story. Jot down any ideas that come into your head in a separate place. You may find the characters then start subconsciously influencing the story. That's fine. Just don't stop and think about it. Whichever method you choose, once you have a world, a story and a good cast of characters, you start applying feedback between them. For example, if you've got a character needing to go to a pub for the sake of the storyline, but the story demands that pubs are filled with cigarette smoke and the character in question is hypersensitive, then either have the character hate going to the pub (and perhaps go out of their way to avoid it) or adjust the story to eliminate the contradiction - perhaps by sending the character to a cafe instead. Thus everything comes to fit neatly together. =++= Now onto specifics based on what you've put. Plot: Has potential, but, as others have said, it really needs more to it before I can say anything much about it. Character(s): You've only got one so far, so obviously you will be needing more. I've tried writing a story with a single character before and found that it really doesn't work. You need others, if only to interact with the main character. Plus the character you have at the moment seems to have dangerously Mary Sue-like traits. "wealth, wits and popularity unmatched by his peers" - seriously? Some triggers for expansion: Who made the game? Did they intend it to turn out the way it did? If no, then who is the antagonist? If yes, what is there purpose for creating such a game? Was the hero specifically targeted or were they just an unfortunate victim? What made the hero take up the game in the first place? Will you have a party or will the hero be solitary? If the former, how and why does the hero depend on others? What is he unable to do that others can help by doing? Try coming up with more details about the game itself. Sorry I don't know the game in question that you mentioned, so you may have come up with things like this already. Is the game multiplayer or solo? What is the supposed aim of the game? Does it even have one? If it is multiplayer, what are the other players like? Does the game's corrupting influence affect only your behaviour in game? Only in real life? Or both? Does the game literally absorb you into the game world? Can one get out easily? If not, what is needed to get out? How exactly does the game impact on the hero's behaviour? If you can get out and the game affects you in real life, what does the hero start doing? Does it affect his relationships with others? Is the hero really a hero at all, or does he descend into being an anti-hero or even a villain protagonist? 2021 isn't very far into the future. Does the world of your story have an alternate past (as per Code Geass, for instance) that has led to a more rapid technological advancement? If so, what are these differences? If not, then why has the world changed so rapidly? How have people reacted to these changes? As for "A rigid test of the human identity, soul, heart and self preservation": Firstly, are you sure you mean rigid? Secondly, what actually tests these things? How does the hero react? How do others around the hero react? I know I just typed out a lot, but you did say you wanted constructive criticism, and I got a bit carried away. Hope some of it helped at any rate. |
| There is no such thing as shit taste. Only idiots who think everyone should have the same taste as they do. |
kuuderes_shadow said: Kudos. That was probably the single most helpful and well-written response I've seen on MAL. If we had some sort of "Best Of" feature, I'd nominate your post. Get ready for a bunch of friend requests, kuuderes_shadow, whether you want them or not. I know I'll be sending one, though not quite so randomly. |
Mobyz said: Indeed :), Thank You. I'm not good at structuring/organizing storyboards, just trying my best. Mobyz, no disrespect, but I'm hoping you'll send a more thorough and thought-full response to all the effort this man/woman has put forth for you, than a mere "Thank You, I'm trying my best." |
FauxAzn said: Wow that was kinda unnecessary.. Anyways I actually really liked it Mobyz, it's just a little more insight into this game would interest me a lot more. It sounded like an actual description from an anime that i would try out.Mobyz said: Indeed :), Thank You. I'm not good at structuring/organizing storyboards, just trying my best. Mobyz, no disrespect, but I'm hoping you'll send a more thorough and thought-full response to all the effort this man/woman has put forth for you, than a mere "Thank You, I'm trying my best." |
Ghostt said: Was it? I was simply trying to provoke Mobyz into saying something like:Wow that was kinda unnecessary.. Mobyz said: instead of leaving the guy or gal hanging.I'm fixing my storyboard first beforehand so I don't disappoint, I want to be able to prove my worth and show that I actually read his criticism and make improvements on my work rather than spouting a bunch of lies about how I'm going to do this and that. But yeah, my apologies if my comment seemed distasteful. |
| Oh I thought this was a 'Share your dream anime', but it seems it's actually some sort of project... ...Can I still share mine? |
Ammish said: Oh I thought this was a 'Share your dream anime', but it seems it's actually some sort of project... ...Can I still share mine? I wouldn't hijack this thread, but I created one here for you if you'd like: http://myanimelist.net/forum/?topicid=391575 Sounds kinda fun, I might be contributing my ideas of a "dream anime" too shortly. |
FauxAznJan 19, 2012 6:18 PM
| Rather than focusing on sounding eloquent, I'd get the solid plot elements down if you don't have them figured out yet. Worry about the rhetoric later. |
| Ummm... Perhaps my reply isn't as constructive as one of the previous posters here but: 1) In my opinion, you need a more powerful tagline. If it is to be used to catch a reader's attention, try not to go for something too cliche-sounding. 2) Your summary is fairly good. I advice you to reword it a bit though. Think of better adjectives and words that pique your audience's curiosity/attention. It should have such an impact that people would want to read more of it. For me, I think this sentence: "Akira soon discovers End, a game so iniquitous the human soul darkens as soon as one enters this twilight zone" was the most effective. |
You should really just comment on my profile if you want me to see your reply. |
| Haha,my story is about a boy who in the future will be a king in the elemental world.But his fate was changed by his parents because they don't want him to suffer to become a king so they transported him to the human world to live peacefully.But,after 13 years he's fate changed back to the way it was.My story is very long so I don't want to say it all.So I advice you to show all of the things that happens in your story,because if you don't we can't understand it. |
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