After laughing my ass off to some TFS's parodies, I thought, maybe this new turd from said franchise that supports itself via fanwanks and merchandizing, was also some sort of parody - it just had to be! After a good doze of vodka, I watched it, and... Excuse me, my brain seems to be little broken, right about here.
I have no comprehention for this! This had to be a pardoy. A joke. A hoodwig! Something, that one should find, only by stumbling in to some really dier, and some really, really stupid fanfiction - like if Naruto and Sasuke did the fusion-dance! Because, that's how this movie felt... every single flipping second of it! Some stupid, stupid fanfiction about Carrot becoming a God, because Toriyama is clearly at this point writing himself being a Carrot himself, and collecting some new ideas from his fanboys with same power-fantasies... because they're ugly, fat and virgins - not muscular, flying virgins!
It just... it just had to be a bad joke! What, it's not? Well, fuck you too!
Story (1)
The plot in overall is very simple to grasp, knowing first that the DBZ franchise only has about one or two "plots"... kinda like the Alien-franchise. Wheter or not these two can actually be called as a plot itself is still open for debate, me saying no - they aren't!
(1) Some stupid idiot - presumably an alien, since they, unlike humans, have "cool/epic/(=stupid)" megapowers, and they're most likely gonna mess things up and brake stuff even more efficiantly, than our "heroes" themselves! - is heading to Earth, or already is on Earth, searching for Dragon Balls for whatever "evil" reasons.
(2) The stupid "cool/epic(=rehashed)" villain is heading to Earth, or already is on Earth, and wants to break shit up, because he's evil and gets himself off of it.
In this time around, this movie presents to us the plot number 2, meaning that this movie is - like already stated above - just some truly idiotic fanfiction, waiting to be brought to the fans so they can wank upon it with their hair-dyed glee. I wouldn't necsessarily mind about it that much, but this isn't my franchise, and I just can't get myself off by watching it! Not my fault - not many are getting off by tentacles either!
The story's as follows. Some ancient Egyptian cat-god- reject is all like "Being destructive/possibly hated god is such a bore! Better let the writers brainstorm for a while in Angelfire's DBZ-section, and come up with some good ideas for a plot! What's that - a new plot-device on the franchise? A Super Saiyan God, you say? And he's on Earth? No kidding?! Let's get going on some random planet, so that the universe/some other gods can hate/fear me even more!" Since that "once in every millenia"- entiteld supersaiyan-status is already pretty much bunked at this point, only those born into this specific rase - not Gohan, since he's a family man and thus too weak for the franchise, and who even cares about Goten or Trunks?! - can now become gods themselves, because who wouldn't want to be over-priviledged beyond rhyme or reason, and to be born in a race that can turn themselves into a gods via temper tantrum?! The Cat goes to Earth, but gets no pudding, and so the obvious happens. Everybody starst flailing and punching each other, Bulma gets slapped - finally! - and by the powers united by... holding hands in circle, Carrot becomes a god. Oh God... Some more flailing around occures, then some revelations about the multiverse, and the Cat leaves. Unbe-fucking-lievable!
What pissed me off most in this movie, is the utter and complite pointlessness, in terms of god-consept, and the complite lack of threat, urgensy, or consequenses. What't the point of Beerus, the god of destruction, if all he ever does, is eat good food, and blow up planets?! That's no reason, to be called a god! That's no reason to be called a character either! Expecially when the whole god-consept in itself is already so insignificant as it is! Vegeta could destroy planets - is he a god? Not yet, but if the Fandom demands it...! And what about Frieza and Buu? Good try for Cell, and maybe even Piccolo! By the same standards, they could've been called gods as well ages ago - both not so easy to kill... and eastern gods can be killed! Heck, if given the right moment, and the right two or three wishes, Tien or Yamcha would've easily been the new gods of the universe... and they're both humans! Why are the saiyans only so blessed with convienence, that they're allowed to be "turned into gods" so to say, just because the "story" needs them to be?!
I already mentioned this in my other review, but when the plot itself is constantly trying to write itself into a corner - "we have to get stronger, because villains are getting stronger... and not smarter, just like us!" - you would think, that the humans and/or namekians would also have something similar in their own mythos! Humans have gods/demi-gods too! Why can't they have something similar?! From the side of the point, what's the point of having any gods of destruction at all in the first place, when our so-called heroes kill, and destroy even more shit, than most of their villains ever do, almost every time, when one of them needs to prove themselves for someone?! Beerus, in his all flamboyant idiocy, is hardly any real threat at all at this point, when looking at the bigger picture, since the Earth has already been destoyed once, and everyone still survived... even the guys, who caused all of it - I'm looking at you Goku... Vegeta... Buu!
You would think, that introducing a villain, who can destroy planets and likes to eat - is he a cousin of Buu?! - would bring... if not nescessarily anything new, but atleast something interesting to the table, but no! Maybe, if this movie wasn't just about it's villain desperately trying to kill some time and in the process threathening to do his job, but about him trying to steal the dragon balls to turn them into evil, kinda like in GT, this could've been somewhat endearing, but no! It's just fighting, and some lame power fantasy, and nothing more! There's no danger, no stakes, and certainly no consequenses found from this movie, since this movie is just that, what it clearly was ment to be in the first place - a fanfiction, made into a movie, for the fans of the franchise, to wank upon!
Even a fanfiction can be good sometimes, but I wouldn't give any of them an actual real-life money to spend, and make their brainfarts into a movies on big screen for everyone to look at and spend their money on, even if I was up to my tits dipped in cocaine!
I mean... is there any limits for stupidity, even among the Fandom?! Is this really, what the fans of this franchise want?! More stupid plots after stupid plots, more stupid transformations and overly used plot-devices being overused - is this what's so good for you, you sick freaks?! Are you really wishing so desperately to be the next Pokemon, do you?! Well, too bad, since that's where you have been staying, since the Buu-arc and Super Saiyan tres!
This movie steals now even from it's fans, and that's just low... and I love it for it!
Art (4)
The art is... kinda mixed bag of beans to me at this point... pointing out the fact that it earns no points from me, in the overall-score. The art is itself amazingly improved since the old days, with it's clean lines, original animation and nice colors. The characters have a nice detail on to them, the heads are no longer shifting sizes between the cells, and they no longer pose constantly on that obnoxious legs wide open- position, like they're trying to push out huuuuuuge dump.
That being said, is it just me, or is the art-style a bit... plasticy? Is it just... maybe even too clean, crips and full of color? Is it just weird to see all the lines so fine and graphics so updated, that it kinda feels like... not what it's meant to be?
See?! I'm not even a fan, and even I can feel the difference in the end product! Even I can see, that almost twenty years has passed - more or so, I can't bother myself to actually care! - since this franchise lastly gasped air, and even I can still say, that this ain't pretty! It's better, but not pretty!
Although, I do have to say, that I like the fact that they used in this movie, most of the running-time in an actual story-mode, rather than the fight-mode, but still... even if I was hoping to see some interesting fighting in this one - since the story really isn't anything worth being even invested in - what I got to see in the end, was really, really... bland, to say the least. I can honestly say, that I knew the outcome in a second when the first hit was made, and even if they tried to decorate it with some new CGI-effects, pantering and pseudo-philosophical dialog, it was nothing less but a sore for my eyes.
Sound (4)
The sound is quite better too, I guess... I can't remember any of the soundtracks, and dialog isn't really anything to write to home about, but atleast Chris Sabat doesn't no longer sound like a smoking frog, suffering from bronchitis, so that's a plus... I guess.
Whatever! This section in the scoring doesn't earn any points to the overall-score from me either, so I'm not gonna spend my time in this section any more than I have to! You like it, good. I you don't, that's good too! I don't care!
Character (1)
Since the day that I started watching and reviewing this franchise - and since I started to hate my masochism - I've heard over and over again, that while the stories and plots aren't nescessarily the strong points of this franchise, the characters are. Like... all two of them?
Seriously, what is the appeal, other than their powers, since that seems to be the only reason, for picking the favourites out of the cast that basically looks the same, and acts the same - all stupid and pointless, with no longer no motives or arcs to fulfill! Women are either eye candy, baby factories/trophies, or horrible jokes, humans are either meatshealds, eye candy or stupid jokes, "hybrids" are either plot-devices or cameos, and aliens are either villains, ex-villains, eye candy, lame jokes or filling up the empty space. They weren't interesting then, they're not interesting now, and seeing Veggie sing and dance on the stage in front of everybody, isn't my idea of a subtle character development. Maybe it's just me, but to me, something seems a bit off with this cast... and not in a good way!
Why are these people even alive at this point, since the biggest criteria for importance in this franchise, is that how golden your hair is?! (Didn't Piccolo die for realzies in the GT... or is it just not cannon enough?) The way that I see it, from the story's point of view, Gohan would still be the only one, who would have any kind of story-arc left to fulfill and discover, him supposedly being the next hero of Earth, after his deadbeat father kicks the bucket! No one else no longer has enything else to do, contribute or achieve, but there they all just are, flailing their little song and dance- rutine for the fans, so that they can donate to the franchise through nostalgia!
"Yeah, I remember Tien! He was cool... with his thing, that he did... that one time!"
"And Krillin! He was funny! And he also did that thing... that one time... that was cool... before he died... Yay!"
"And Gohan - look, there's Gohan! Do you remember?! He used to be so annoying, and then he was cool, but then he became lame... and then cool yet again... until he became pointless... and started to have a character..."
"18 used to fight... Videl used to fight... Chi Chi used to fight... no they're all mothers, and useless..."
"Oh, and Piccolo! He's hot... right? I'm not the only one... right?! Guys...?"
If you don't have anything that you can do with your characters, don't keep them around, but either let them go, or kill them! I can only assume, that for the fans of this series, it's actually painful for them to see, how their once favourite fighting figurines - they're not deep enough to be called characters - dwindle and wade away from existance, to stand on the background and look stupid! But, since Toriyama can't write and this franchise needs to be supported by something...
Enjoyment (1)
This movie, is just a little something, that I like to call, a "Power porn"- movie... or a "Power Fantasy"- movie... or a "Fandom Wank"- movie. This is a... porn movie, for those, who are stupid enough, to like DB/DBZ... or god forbid, DBGT/DBS, and trust me... I know my porn! Like in any good porn movie, story in this is just so paperthin, that you almost won't even notice it - main focus on the fucking, please! - and the characters are so simple, bland and boring, that you won't remember their faces afterwards, just about who fucked who, and in what order... if any! The conclusion is messy, loud, yet shallow, and short-lived satisfaction, with little to no results, depth nor reason, and most importantly... no porn-babies - we wouldn't want any consequenses, now would we !I can already see, thousands and thousands, lonely virgin males, in their mid-thirties, watching and wanking on this pathetic waste of animation, paper and ink, while screaming manically "Goku, Goku, Goku... oh my...!" over, and over again! You have to like porn - and be stupid/easily satisfied, in order to like this movie, so thank goodness, that America isn't going nowhere - who else would give Toriyama money these days?!
Is it still necessary to say, at this point, that I'm not a fan, neither or this movie, nor this franchise?! This movie is... pointless. Just... pointless. Stupid. Overhyped. For stupid kids, and even stupider adults. Deep as a buddle of puke! Tasty, as a shitty cardboard - a waste of time, money, paper, and ink. There's just... nothing in here! Nothing to look at, and nothing to marvel upon... that is, if you're not some adrenaline-based lifeform, with no brain-functions, other than screaming and wanking, and any need of thought, meaning, or enjoyment, that you wouldn't find, from some empty shoe-boxes... or some really shitty, amateur porn!
This movie had no meaning, no plot, no story, and absolutely nothing, that any actual fan of anime, or movies in general, would, and should enjoy! My condolenses for the fans of this franchise, for actually indulging yourselves with this kind of a trash... and never realizing, of how shitty it really, really is!
For the rest of you, who know, and demand something better, than this... go, and forget this garbage! This movie, and this franchise! Forget it now, so it won't spread, and infect us all - like some really vicious STD! And trut me... those will burn!
