Report epsilono's Profile

I don't know what I should write here... it prompts a "tell us about yourself" but somehow I think that isn't relevant with how I intend to use this platform - my intention is to have a personal space (for myself) filled with a list of mainly anime (but manga as well) and it's episodes/chapters counter (well sure, besides having this uniform list that serves as a source of truth, I also from time to time do see myself engaging in reviews, communities and discussions... I mean, I'd lie if I said it's something I'm not mindful of because (besides being mentally challenged) a thing about me is that I get >very< much influenced by other people's opinions and/or thought patterns. Me seeing a bad review means that I may end up dropping the anime (or manga) I'm watching (or reading) if the review is well enough structured and argumented negatively towards it (even if it's something I'm enjoying). It's one of those experiences that blinds me and makes me dismiss my own opinion. I constantly observe other people's reactions toward things I enjoy, it's a strong urge and internal need to see how others experience what I've experienced and what is their reaction to it and how is it different to mine... I do it quite often but never understood it's origin. I crave understanding how others experience things I do, almost like needing validation of my own perception.
There are instances where I refrain myself from seeking opinions on things I enjoy since it may taint me, and I try to box the context and knowledge strictly to my own perception. This struggle with identity leaves me feeling non existent, I have such a lost sense of identity as if I'm merely a mirror or a vessel that adopts others perceptions, that adopts your perceptions, so we become one, and your dissatisfaction ruins my enjoyment... or I suffer doing what I once liked because I now know your opinion, I see from your eyes - your thought pattern, a pattern I shouldn't have seen).

I am continuously baffled by the reality that what I think and do is an external-influenced-reaction. Am I just a product of external influences, echoing the thoughts and actions of others? Unironically I'm not OK, but can't I also authentically form opinions and make decisions? A compilation of observations and imitations, devoid of true individuality breaking >this< fabric that invalidates my opinions.
Why do I prioritize others viewpoints over my own? Where does this need for external validation come from, and why does it hold such power over me? Are all of our decisions just some mere copies of a copy of a copy and even if I were not consciously thinking this out loud OR not thinking this at all, I would still unconsciously be influenced in the same way.
The same reality, but in an illusion, the illusion of choice that I am liking, and I am wanting, but there is no >I<, as >me< is composed from pieces and observation from a thousand of >you's<. I am a copy. An unauthentic soul because I do not possess the capacity for genuine authenticity. I'm a mere number, a solitary digit in a world of infinity.

So no, forget the conventional "introduction" detailing my likes, dislikes, or personal experiences... this is about me and how I can't seem to think for myself. In fact - you shouldn't care about the detailed introduction, you shouldn't have read this far... why do you want to know me? Who are you and what am I to you?