Report Zukame's Profile

Hm.

Well, I do only answer the ones that interest me. And if it sounds like the person is provoking me (a recent message I received from someone), I won't respond. It's a hobby of mine, to answer them.

Of course they know it. And they knew what it meant to me. But there's nothing that can be done. And I mean, why bring something up that they have unpleasant associations with.

Though everyone likes or dislikes something for a different reason, I don't often care for the reason. I just acknowledge that it's what they like/dislike. If I cannot understand the appeal to a certain thing, I will question them, or do research on why one may like it. Most things I can understand the appeal to. Some fetishes I simply do not understand, such as the fetish for falling down the steps. But I suppose if a person is very masochistic or thrill seeking, they may like it? It is a strange endeavor. Yes, that is the reason many people have certain fetishes, because of the associations. I wouldn't necessarily say I have a leather fetish. However, I've always been drawn to Mello from Death Note, who wears leather.
If you inflict pain on someone, there must be passion behind it. I suppose it is the passion that I am aroused by. As well, I do not feel remorse, and the thought of harming someone has always been exciting. If I feel someone has wronged me, and then I get revenge on them by hurting them, it is something arousing. I like to see someone suffering, and always have. Even in preschool, I fantasized of kidnapping and raping children. I am not sure how I knew what rape was. But every night, I made my stuffed animals rape each other before falling asleep. It is my nature to be sadistic and aggressive. I am a controlling person, and to take control of someone defenseless is pleasurable. I want to have control and power. It is difficult to describe just why a person's suffering is pleasurable for me, as I've felt that way all my life. If I inflict pain on something, it either means I love or hate them. In other words, sadism can be how I convey my affection, or how I convey my hatred and rage. To me, such things are pleasurable. Getting revenge on someone who has wronged me, or just showing my love. I also want to harm the things that cannot consent. I do not want to harm someone who consents to it. The pain I inflict should be grotesque and unexpected. It is not fun in the slightest if they want it. I want them to be scared of me. It makes me feel powerful when I see fear on someone's face, which is directed at me. I do not understand why people online refer to me as scary, when it only arouses me for them to say such.

Well, there are many different strands of HIV. If you have one strand, and the person who infects you again has another, then you now have two. Let's say you have one strand, and there are 30 types of medications for it. If you develop two strands, it could drop to 11 types of medications. There was one person who reportedly had such an awful strand that no medication worked for it. I wonder if the flu works in such a way. I personally have never gotten the flu. Nor have I ever gotten a flu shot. It is illogical to get one, as they protect against last year's strand. Each year means a new strand, which they do not have the proper treatment for. So if you get a shot, it technically does nothing, and you can very well still get the flu. My immune system is strong in the sense that I do not get serious illnesses which cause vomiting, but I get frequent colds. Two summers ago, I had a horrible ear infection and cold at the same time. I assume I will get a cold in June, as that is when most people get sick where I live. Either then or late May, which also seems probable.

Yes, that is correct. However, I do want to mention that I am attracted to animals. I do not see a person and become aroused, but I do feel arousal toward my cat. When it comes to the people in porn, I am not attracted to them, and only aroused by the sex itself. But I am aroused by animals. It is just a paraphilia of mine. Yes, I am aroused by inanimate objects, and things such as plants. It is another paraphilia of mine. I wonder if a video of two socks having intercourse would be arousing, heh. But perhaps it would be, yes. It is not as if I look at an object and feel arousal. Otherwise I would be aroused 24/7. I have to already be in a state of arousal in order to feel it toward objects. When I am aroused, everything around me seems to stimulate it. This never includes people, as I feel nothing toward them. When it comes to children, the moment I look at one I am attracted to, I feel arousal. This doesn't apply to objects or animals. Maybe it's confusing, but essentially I have such a high libido that I can feel arousal toward anything around me, when I am turned on. Just not humans.
Yes, that is important to acknowledge. I have my own morals. Honesty and loyalty are two things I value greatly. Maybe I am immoral in the sense that I wouldn't mind severely harming an animal or human, but as a person, I do have certain morals that I refuse to go against. Unfortunately, people always see the worst in me. How ignorant they are.
I enjoy threesome porn, and support those in a polygamous relationship. But I am far too devoted to partake in one, myself. I am not willing to be with anyone but my lover. I do not mind the kind of relationship someone is in, as long as it is not unhealthy.

Oh, I love being asked questions.
I wouldn't necessarily call myself cynical. I would say I am neither an optimist nor pessimist, but a realist. I try to see what is realistic in each situation. If I get a low manic episode (bipolar), I tend to see things in a more pessimistic light. If I have a high episode, I see them in an optimistic light. If I do not have any sort of episode, I am neutral. It is dependent on my episodes. But yes, I am a loyal and sadistic pedophile. I visited a psychologist to discuss my attraction with him, but none of the information he gave me was useful, as I've done a lot of research on it, and everything he told me was something I already knew. He works on the board of people who deal with sex offenders, so I thought he would be a good source. I am most certainly attracted to children, but my reason for having the attraction differs from others'.
As I grew up, I was neglected. I stayed on the third floor all day, and did not interact with anyone. I did not speak with classmates. I began using the internet when I was 7. During this time, I started going through puberty. Why? I was born with asthma (and psoriasis, but that is irrelevant), and nearly died from it in preschool, when one day I stopped breathing and had to be sent to the hospital. I took breathing treatments for it at home. The breathing treatments had steroids in them, which caused me to go through puberty early. I developed a crush on a boy, who was 6. I had dreams of kidnapping and raping him. I wanted him all to myself, and grew jealous when others went after him. I was very paranoid, after being hacked on a website I used. My best friend became somewhat of a bitch. She copied off my papers and mocked me. She ended up stabbing me in the neck with a pencil--and of course the teacher scolded me for it. When the girl said she wouldn't be my friend anymore, I didn't give a shit. Good riddance. When I was 8, I started watching porn. Beastiality, BDSM, and hentai. The sight of penises scared me (I am not joking), so I only watched lesbians. I started going on chat rooms, and helping people online out of suicide. Yes, a big thing for an 8-year-old to do. But I was very good at it. A good friend of mine online said that she wanted to murder her parents as they slept. She calculated the times they fell asleep, and did not mind going to jail. I was not bothered by this. And to this day, a friend of mine could become a serial killer and I wouldn't care, they would still be my friend. I am loyal to my friends. I broke my leg/growth plate, and had to wear a cast for a long time. I got surgery on both ankles, when I was 10, in order to close the growth plates (this means I would grow taller, but my feet would stop growing). I became depressed, and very suicidal. I wrote in a notebook about wanting to die. My only explanation for this is the emotional neglect. I felt betrayed when my sister read the notebook and told my other sister and father. When my father discussed it with me, all he did was hug me and tell me of this guy he knew who committed suicide. It made me feel awful, because I did not receive any fucking help, just a damn hug. I continued to be neglected, and did not feel loved or cared for in the slightest. This is why I never learned how to care for other people. Because I never felt cared for, myself. I was frequently asked for nudes when I was 10, by older males online. I always led them on and then never sent them anything. I just blocked them. Ah, I forgot to mention. My mother came down with this rare disease when I was 8, which is akin to, or worse than, cancer. Little research has been done on it. She spent years in and out of hospitals, so she was rarely home. Doctors claimed she was crazy and that the pain was all in her head. She felt constant burning and numbness (and still does). Eventually I got rid of the depression on my own, because no one would help me or care. The only one who could help me was myself. My mother received many different types of medicine. She takes a lot of it. Perhaps it is the medicine that made her become so irrational. But well, my father is a "psychologist" (I use parentheses because he's not quite a psychologist but a counselor who deals with the mentally retarded), and figures she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. If you study her behavior, it is rather obvious she has some severe disorder. She is the most dramatic and emotional person I have ever met. 2013 was the best year of my life. However, I developed an extreme fear of bugs after going on a vacation with a friend. I also had an auditory hallucination in which I heard a voice in my head. I started writing suicidal things in notebooks once more. I would not say I felt depressed, just that I could not stand to live with my parents. They started fighting, threatening to divorce. My mother would always leave and return. My father started drinking more. In 2013, I started watching anime, as well. 2014 was rather the same as 2013. The fighting just got worse. In 2015, I started writing a very sexual story. I had been writing stories since 2011, but this was the first very sexual one. I cannot recall much from that year. In 2016, I went on a penpal site and met a Japanese man. Not long after meeting me, he claimed to love me. I did not love him, of course. He left me after I refused to give him nudes. Petty. But it took a toll on me. I suppose in the month that I knew him, he became special to me. I developed an eating disorder, and became a rather impulsive person. Which is disgusting to recall. I also joined MAL. During the time, I was writing a new story, about a meth addict. I did not value myself, and the most satisfying thought was becoming a meth addict, myself. I wanted to be "one with my character." I became rather delusional. I did not care at all about myself. This was the first time I had a low episode. Many people on MAL treated me so horribly, I debated leaving altogether. It was either May or June of 2016 when I discovered my attraction. I hadn't had a crush on anyone since I was 6 or 7. The last one was that 6-year-old boy I mentioned. I always wondered why I felt nothing toward the people around me. Then during either of those months (I don't remember which), I saw a little boy walking along the sidewalk. And suddenly I felt so aroused. When I went to the pool, or the waterpark, it was hell. I felt arousal toward the male children I found appealing. I hated being around them. I wasn't too open about my attraction online. I figured people wouldn't believe me. I made jokes about having children in my basement. I'm sure people thought it was some persona, when it was not. I only made jokes so that they would not become uneasy after knowing I was serious. I told certain people I felt I could trust. Some believed, some did not. Whatever. My low episode lasted months. I despaired. In October of 2016, I fell down the steps and got a concussion. Which was never properly treated, because as I said, I have always been neglected. I still get recurring headaches each day. My short term memory was severely impaired. It just gets worse as time goes on. I got another head injury shortly after, which only added to the pain. I developed a sensitivity to light and sound, and became extremely aggressive. Whenever I went out, I had paper in my pockets and shredded them because I was constantly pissed. All I wanted was silence and darkness. Eventually the sensitivity to light and sound vanished. In November of 2016, I met a Russian boy, who also claimed to love me after hardly knowing me. I didn't love him, either. But like the Japanese guy, he was special to me. However, this guy had anger issues. His mother abused him from time to time, and he dropped out of college. He always took his anger out on me, which pissed me off. It is important to mention that I was an extreme sadist at this time, as well. I liked to watch beastiality and prolapse porn the most. And I've been a porn addict since I was 8. I used to have a big piss fetish back then, but it's not as strong anymore. The Russian boy was disgusted by my fetishes, and told me to stop talking about them. He was a controlling person who never fucking left me alone for two seconds. He got angry when I watched hentai instead of talking to him. Annoying ass. On Christmas Eve, he left me, because of his own issues. This took an even bigger toll on me. I had been having small hallucinations since November of 2016. I've had them all my life. I recall when I was very young, I heard a woman sobbing in the bathroom walls. On the night of Christmas Eve, I got my first mixed episode (high and low at the same time). I felt excited, aroused, exhausted, upset, and angry, all at once. I scratched at my arm and wrote incomprehensible things on a Discord server. My brother and sister were out in the hall, talking. I had a compulsion to beat them with a bat. I had a countdown, and once it reached 0, I was going to go out there and beat the shit out of them. It did not reach 0 before they went back into their rooms. My father became an aggressive alcoholic and started physically abusing my mother (on occasions, I witnessed it). Once she went to the hospital after he kicked (?) her neck, and she had to get a neck brace for it. I became terrified of my father, and every day I feared for my life. My hallucinations and delusions became much worse. However, I was no longer impulsive at all, for the record. I became very derealized (detached from reality), and felt nothing but paranoia. I went through a long state of emotional flatness (which is a Schizophrenic thing). It lasted even during the summer. I developed several voices, rather than just one, in my head. Hm... started a new story in March of 2017, in order to convey my paranoia through the MC. My behavior changed that year, as I became very serious online. During the summer, I entered a state of extreme despair and sobbed each night over things I couldn't help, such as my attraction. I punished myself for being that way. Eventually I saw the psychologist I mentioned. But he didn't help at all. Later I saw a psychiatrist, and I have antipsychotics at the moment. I have Schizoaffective disorder, which is a mix of Schizophrenia and bipolar. During a low episode, I lose interest in things and become very suicidal. I get these frequently. I don't reply to people during a low episode, so. It makes me very exhausted, and all I want to do is sleep during those times. A low episode can last for a very long time unless my mood changes. But it's more severe than it used to be, because I make attempts at my life now. The hallucinations worsen during a low episode, and the voices are very loud. A high episode feels very euphoric, like you're on drugs. Sometimes I start laughing hysterically. It makes me light headed, and I twitch from excitement. A mixed episode is dangerous, and when you're most likely to harm yourself. A low episode can turn into a mixed. That's why it's best to prevent a low in the first place. I met my lover in October of 2016, but we didn't talk much until around September of 2017. We got together sometime after. At the moment I just have a lot of work to deal with, this disorder, and more. I don't mind my attraction anymore, and I don't fantasize about children. I started wanting to go to jail sometime during 2017, but no longer want to, as I do not want to be separated from my lover. I wanted to commit a horrific crime. There is always this misconception that all pedophiles were raped or abused, but I was not. Perhaps psychologically abused, however. But I developed the attraction because of the early puberty. And well, all of this is what led me to who I am.
My perceptions are distorted because of Schizophrenia. If I perceive something as "cute," then I am aroused by it. Certain bugs are cute, so I feel aroused when I see them. I do not have the ability to lie. I am not sure how to. I wonder if this is a problem. But honesty is what I value most, so even if I knew how to, I wouldn't do it. I refuse to go against what I value.

Yes, always. I am always overwhelmed when I think about the messages I still have to reply to. Sometimes I forget the person's username and can't go and reply to them because their message gets buried. I have some very long ones to reply to.

Yes. I saw it as a symbol of unity, as well. And I am a very romantic person, despite what others may think. I saw it as something very romantic. But now I no longer think much of it, as I have no reason to. It made me sad, as well. I discarded it from my thoughts, so I no longer think of it. A part of me still holds on to it, but there is nothing I can do.

Curiosity? Well, a lot of the time I watch porn and do not masturbate to it. I did that for years, in fact, every day. I don't care if people find me to be "weird." I've been called many things. I'm not one to criticize someone unless they wrong me. I don't think I've ever found someone to be weird. Yes, I agree. Many topics I don't like. But I always enjoy answering about myself. I'm glad you don't think it's disgusting. And it used to be a fetish of many Chinese men, otherwise it wouldn't have lasted for such a long time. I am aroused by the pain of others--and disfigured bodies seem to be painful. I can spend hours reading about certain things, such as drugs, disorders, and murder cases. Of course, I find such things to be fascinating. I have not decided whether I should become a clinical psychologist or a criminal psychologist.
The logic behind it is... the gays feel they will get HIV, anyway. So why not get it sooner, and intentionally, rather than having to spend years worrying about just when they will become infected? They believe that if they get it, they will be able to have all the sex they want. Which is not true. Because if you have HIV, and someone else has it and infects you again, the strain becomes less manageable. Essentially the more infected you are, the less your body can fight it, and you die quickly.

I do not feel sexual attraction to others. It is extremely rare for me to feel sexually attracted to someone who is not a child. And even if I do feel it, it does not last long. I am the type who refuses to have sex with someone unless I love them. My lover is the only person I've felt romantically attracted to. Naturally, I am also sexually attracted to them, and the attraction never disappears. I'm an extremely loyal and devoted person. Once I want something, I will do anything to obtain it. Once I have something, I will do everything to keep it. Once I become very drawn to something, I just do not lose interest. I mean, Yashiro has been my husband since 2016, for instance. I am obsessed with my partner, and want them all to myself. Just as I belong solely to them. Of course they don't want me to, but I would never consider having any sort of relation with someone else. Moreover, I am not attracted to anyone else. I cannot fathom being with someone else, when I have met the only person worthy of my affection. As for my profile, polyamory is a fetish in the sense that I like the idea of someone who is NOT me in a relationship with more than one person. And all parties must know of it. I, myself, will only ever be with one person.

There is not any particular perception I want. It often changes over time. I get irritated when I am perceived incorrectly, but I cannot say I want to be perceived a certain way. It is very easy to misunderstand me. As long as their perception is not drastically different than that of my friends'. It is not hard to figure me out. However, you can always read blog entries to gain a better understanding. I have created many rants. If you ask about the details of my life, it is easy to perceive me. It is also important to keep in mind the things I value. If only there were a documentary of me, heh. I intended to create a manifesto of sorts.
I can't remember. I was in an awful state--perhaps it was out of desperation.

Death Note is the best starter for sure, really destroys the whole "cartoons are for kids" idea right away lol

Well, I apologize. And I don't really think it anymore, especially after your explanation. Haha, someone once told me that they see me in so many people's comments. These days I reply to people very late because I'm busy, so I'm not everywhere anymore. But I'm glad you messaged me.

I would, but they do not want marriage. Some perceive it as nothing but a certificate, after all. And while initially it was something I wanted very much, because I thought it to be romantic, if my partner doesn't want to be married, then I can't help but to lose interest in the thought of it. Of course, we will spend our lives together. There just won't be a wedding or anything. And I wonder who would come, anyway. I certainly would not invite my parents, as I detest them, and want nothing to do with my family. Yes, sometimes I feel I am not worthy of them. But simultaneously, I feel I am the only one who deserves them, and that it just can't be any other way.

Well, voyeurism is just a big fetish of mine. And I am a porn addict, so I will watch any porn I can get my hands on. To me, it is all the same. It just provides me with dopamine, which is what I want. Sure, I have my porn preferences, but ultimately I'm willing to watch 99% of things. I just refuse to watch porn featuring maggots. I like to read sexual stories about maggots, but I can't stand looking at them. I think that is the only type of porn I cannot watch. Well, it's an obscure fetish, I don't think many know of it. It's a popular fetish for gay males in particular. This is why many people who contract HIV are gay/bisexual males. I do not know, I find it to be fascinating that people have such a fetish. As for myself, I have a fetish for Chinese foot binding. I'm sure many find that to be disgusting. But I am aroused by someone's disfigured body. People have an HIV fetish because it's a means of belonging. To the gay community, people who are seeking HIV/giving others HIV are treated as equals. They don't discriminate against each other. They all feel they have something in common. And well, while I don't support intentionally giving someone HIV, I do understand the allure to the fetish. Just because I understand it doesn't mean it's my own fetish. One of my biggest fears is getting an STD, in fact. But it would be impossible to get one unless my lover has one, and that is not the case. Moreover, I refuse to have sexual relations with anyone but my lover.

Yes, you are right. Age changes the perception of someone, hence why it's the only thing I am not open about. I don't mind being open about anything else. I've had the attraction all my life, so by now I am just used to it. The only person who knows of it offline is my mother. No, she does not hate me for it, and did not yell at me when I told her of it. My sister has had suspicions about it, and once called me a "pedophile who only cares about themselves." Which is incorrect, as I do not care much about myself, and care the most about my lover. She says that I am insensitive and cruel, and was disgusted when she learned that I almost strangled one of our cats.

I just find it odd. And I suppose most people don't go on the forums until weeks or months after they join. Which is why it is strange. I assume you found me on the forums.

Hm. I would say so. After all, they understood me better than others. They saw my reasons for wanting certain things. As I said, they have much more in common with me than anyone else. So of course they are similar. No, and I in fact did not think I would feel that way about anyone at all until they came along. I will forever obsess over them.
I hope so.

Yes, I am not sure why they mention it if they aren't willing to share. I think it is important to share my stories, as they reflect who I am through the characters. I am not 100% like any character I create, but in certain ways, I am very like them.

I'm glad you read it.
Yes. I will watch any kind of porn, because I am a voyeur. I am aroused by the act of sex itself. I feel no attraction toward any of the people in porn. As long as they are having sex, I don't care who they are, what they look like. This is also why I like animal x human, animal x animal, insect x insect, and finally human x human. As long as it is having sex with something. I also like the sound of moans. So please, do not misunderstand. Just as I can watch poz porn without having an HIV fetish. Poz porn is porn in which men intentionally infect each other with HIV. If it's sex, I'll watch it, basically.

Initially it was available, but I have had unpleasant experiences with it. I no longer wish to share it, and I think my privacy should be respected. It makes me uncomfortable to discuss it. Moreover, it is more fun for people to guess. I like to see how they perceive me. In any case, you can look at it like this. I am an individual, not an age. Let's say I'm someone's mother and I have cancer. I wouldn't want them to refer to me as "my mom with cancer." I would want them to see me as "my mom." In said scenario, sure, I would have cancer, but the fact would remain that I am simply the person's mother, and that the cancer is insignificant as a means of describing me. Perhaps it is not the best example. Similarly, I do not want to be referred to as "my _-year-old friend." I want to be treated as Yaoi, not an age. As for the last question, I don't think much of it.

What about yourself?

Well I watched dbz, kenchi, yuyuhakusho and all the other toonami classics when I was a kid and my first year of college I got mono and was stuck in bed for months. Burned through all the Netflix anime and it’s been constant every since lol

No, suspicious that you messaged me on the day you joined. Makes me think you're an alt. Though I'm not saying you are, just makes me curious.
I don't interact with such people.

Of course, I am loyal to my lover. But I had the connection with them before I realized I loved them. They understand me better than anyone could. I spent over a year searching for someone I would never grow tired of--someone perfect. And they are that person. From the start, I felt a bond with them that I hadn't felt with someone else. I went to greater lengths to help them than I would with anyone else. I always felt that I would spend my life with them, and the thought of them being with someone else made me jealous. I finally acknowledged I loved them. It made me so happy that they loved me, too. I've always felt I have much more in common with them than I do with someone else. To me, they are utter perfection. Maybe I'm not phrasing it properly. Yes, I receive that often. It only makes sense.

I do not like discussions I do not gain from. It is more a personal thing for me, which I do not want to talk about with someone else. It bores me to do so.
Well, yes. They're linked on my profile.

Well, I stated what is suspicious, hm.
And I wouldn't ever say I get "offended," for the record.
To answer the previous question, I am not unable to care for another. My care is exclusive for my lover. I am very caring toward them, and love them to pieces. I may not be able to sympathize with others, but I do sympathize with my lover, because I have an emotional bond with them. I'm more distant toward other people, and cannot form a bond with them, even if I am their friend. My lover is the only person I've ever felt care for, and I don't see that as a bad thing.
I got into it when I watched Junjou Romantica in either 2013 or 2014. But I don't like to talk about yaoi, or anime. The story I wrote in 2016 is yaoi, I suppose. Disdain is not, as it is a story about a young boy who is in love with his mother. SS is somewhat gay, but that isn't the focus of the story.

>Makes a new account just to talk to me.
Suspicious.

I am not one.