| Nice idea. Names. What kind of names.. like from what country? |
| Anyways I'm kind of confused on this whole 2 world thing. And why did the Titans fade away? I'm kind of lost. |
Suzune-chanOct 30, 2013 12:44 PM
an egomaniac and a fool |
| I find it overly familiar. There isn't much originality. Obviously you probably have way more details bouncing in your head than you placed here. The story isn't very clear yet though. May I suggest a few things. 1. Back story 2. Powers 3. Character Random Names along with the theme (Admittedly some are pretty bad) Aerostar said: This story sucks. it's horrible. This wasn't helpful. Good Luck! And keep working on it. The light bulb was born of thousands of failures. |
DamaeinOct 21, 2013 12:50 PM
text27 said: yes if you read the whole thing...robots will only kill the people you put in-front of them so yeah. RandomChampion said: u were that homie in the thong werent u |
ryntrn said: In this anime/manga/light novel, during the earliest traces of human civilization, the world was ruled by 5 powerful titans: Titans will make people think "this guy is just making a fan version of SnK". Unless you plan on making them similar to the actual Greek titans you should rename them. ryntrn said: Hyperion of sun and the light, Kronos of shadows and the darkness, Apollo of speed and quickness, Zeus of strength and sturdiness, and Krios of the mix of fire and water(special power, NOT steam). In all honesty, when I hear about different elements and stuff in an anime, I tend to fall away from it. I really don't feel like watching a bunch of arcs about each of these characters. This would be a fun plot for a video game, but this just sounds like quests to me, and you don't want to watch an anime about that. ryntrn said: Our protagonist is a lazy teenage boy living on Earth who believes he has seen it all at such a young age. Disgusted by how the evil in people's hearts has created the distorted reality he lives in. 2013, peace is standing on a needle, humans have now adapted to a lifestyle in which they live for the sole reason of putting their fellow human down, as corrupt but powerful humans have taken everything and left the scraps for the poor who can barely stand and cower before the sight of the monster known as their fellow man. Our protagonist is forced onto a path of pain and possibility to stop the evil from distorting the world any further. The hero seems too much of a perfect character. It sounds like you make him out to be a hero who hates evil and only does good, when in reality, nobody can do only good, we all make mistakes, and we always have trouble relating to perfect characters in anime. It really doesn't seem like you gave much of a plot, you just gave a backstory and then said "in this world, a hero goes and fights evil" which is basically every single show anyway. You leave me asking a ton of questions, what is he fighting, how does he fight, what is his reasoning, does he have any special abilities, why this lazy teenage boy and not some hero? |
 Check out this animation yo! [/center] |
| The war between different element users isn't that unique. Tho instead of having "one this world" and "one another world" you could make one real world and another alter ego world. So the normal one is just as us, regular human in a peacefull world. And the other is so called "element user's world" The alter ego characters has their war against each other, meanwhile their regular form is (well i don't know) drinking tea and having some personal problems. One day a gap is created between the normal and the alter ego world. And this will make certain people(mainly the maincharacter+friends) will switch place with their alter egos and reverse. Just a thought from me (︶ω︶) |
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| Fire tsunami is the first thing when I read about Krios Damaein's suggestions for names is really good and you could actually use those for the names of gods, also try a female for one of the gods, it adds flavor imo Also about the worlds, it's important how do these worlds collide, the alter ego idea is interesting, you could give each of the humans an alter ego world entity? not each human should be able to use it right away but through loads of training also not even notice the change in his body, and of course only a few should be use them right away(something like a gift from heavens or... as a cause of a drama) to get the whole alter ego thing started. The whole story is kinda complicated but I like the concept of the protagonist, he reminds me of a very fucked up character(that awkwardly I really liked) |
ryntrn said: And yes my character explanation was pretty bad, how did he sound too perfect? It just seemed like you wrote him out to be this character that is so disgusted by evil, meaning he must be the epitome of good. A 100% good character isn't interesting because they're unrelatable. Also I have a couple more things to add that might help you flesh out this story. ryntrn said: Our protagonist is a lazy teenage boy living on Earth who believes he has seen it all at such a young age. I doubt he's actually seen it all, you can't just give teenage characters immense knowledge and dedication because they're still teenagers and they're still discovering a lot about life. Although if you used this in a way where you showed everything from his perspective it could be interesting, like, he sees everything as more evil as it really is, and thus he begins doing things in order to "cleanse the world" classic anti-hero. ryntrn said: Disgusted by how the evil in people's hearts has created the distorted reality he lives in. I'm a bit confused by this sentence. Is he disgusted at the evil people because they've distorted the world he lives in, or has he distorted his own reality so he doesn't have to deal with the evil people? ryntrn said: 2013, peace is standing on a needle, humans have now adapted to a lifestyle in which they live for the sole reason of putting their fellow human down, as corrupt but powerful humans have taken everything and left the scraps for the poor who can barely stand and cower before the sight of the monster known as their fellow man. This society sounds like it would die out in less than a year, there have to be some good people trying to restore order right? ryntrn said: Our protagonist is forced onto a path of pain and possibility to stop the evil from distorting the world any further. How is he forced into this path? I'm pretty interested in this part. |
Check out this animation yo! [/center] |
| Well the MC could have passed through a very traumatizing experience so that he's both lazy and disgusted with the world they live in, and lazy in the sense of resigned with his limited capabilities as a human, how about that? As for powers you mentioned earth water fire lighting and wind... well about that.... Each human that is able to control an alternate world ego should receive some kind of power from the alter ego, such as water clones or even wind clones(easy to make used as decoys) or fire users fire attacks or even the almighty FIRE TSUNAMI, earth users instant growth of the land and things like that, earthquakes controlling boulders and sth like that, lightning should control electricity and light as a whole, somehow picking up huge amounts of photons to create a ray of light capable of cutting through solid metal. Just some random ideas that I had while returning from high school. |
| That kind of story would be good as a light novel than a manga. This is quite like the Percy Jackson series. Having Titans/Gods. Modern Time. And I read something like this too. I mean the concept of deities fading then leaving something to balance the world that they made. From what I understood, your story progressed like titans leaving off something then as time passed by, people gradually became evil. then by 2013, CHAOS. Where are the 5 elements? What happened to the titans? What happened to the armies? How did the other people get the powers of the 5 elements and why did the other people wasn't able to obtain it? Also about the two worlds, is it the kind of "another dimension" world? or the "outside-distance-space" world? Sorry, If I may have missed some things. The story covers a very very wide concept. Advice: Narrow your story that would make it more entertaining, understandable and would eliminate questions. One technique of making a story is trying to put in a concept then ask yourself why you put it. You could try outlining your story then analyze a bit of how you want the story to go. Like giving a vivid image of your setting. It's very important. Try giving your main character a personality that can please most people or maybe a character that people would love. This would make your readers more interested in your story. How your plot progresses is important too. Make sure that it doesn't drag your story for too long from reaching your climax unless you can pull off a long long story without making your readers bored. Also, when putting in characters (supporting), make sure that they are essential or help the story progress interestingly. Try putting foil characters also. Just saying bro. :) |
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| Don't give up, but it sounds like a story I wouldn't be interested in personally. Too shounen-ish. |
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ryntrn said: Good feedback guys. It really helped. I'm currently working on a edited version that will hopefully make more sense than the one I have now and answer your questions. Be sure to check, I'll have it up by tomorrow. AIght I'll be looking for it. Question, you said this was a light novel/manga. Does this mean you are able to draw, or you just have an idea that would look good as a manga? |
Check out this animation yo! [/center] |
ryntrn said: Also, my talents in the writing area are lacking :P so if you're confused, it's probably because of my crappy writing. ryntrn said: But I'm even worse at drawing than I am at writing lol. You can't draw, you can't write. And you gave a story anyone could come up with, or just a background, actually. The story isn't " Titans made up the world like that " it's " MC is gonna do this and this will happen ". What's the story about ? MC becoming a magician ? Humans from Earth going at war with the others ? That's not even 1% of the work. You're at least supposed to draw a shitty manuscript, even with sticks, if you want to get a drawer to draw for you. And a writer who'd write in your place ? I'd give up on that. Also, do you plan on doing that in japanese ? I don't see how you'd call it a light novel otherwise, it'd be just a casual novel. You except too much out of people. Way too much. If you want to do something do it yourself. Or at least pay the people. |
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Aerostar said: ryntrn said: Thanks, my work actually paid off :). And I need all kinds of names man, from characters to places in the anime/manga. Don't really want specific country but since it's an Anime try Japanese but anything is good. Really Appreciate it. :) And I'm also thinking of putting some romance in the side but it need to be something creative, need suggestions for that. And Aerostar please go find the nearest trash can and jump into it please, you are what is considered the trash of society. i just said my honest opinion, and then you insult me. you are real trash. If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it at all. |
Aerostar said: itazuranamelody said: Aerostar said: ryntrn said: Thanks, my work actually paid off :). And I need all kinds of names man, from characters to places in the anime/manga. Don't really want specific country but since it's an Anime try Japanese but anything is good. Really Appreciate it. :) And I'm also thinking of putting some romance in the side but it need to be something creative, need suggestions for that. And Aerostar please go find the nearest trash can and jump into it please, you are what is considered the trash of society. i just said my honest opinion, and then you insult me. you are real trash. If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say it at all. he asked for feedback/opinions, and they don't always need to be positive. i just said my honest opinion. this story is garbage. Yeah, I guess that's true. I probably should have just kept my mouth shut. |
ryntrn said: That's none of your business buddy, I asked for feedback on my story not a rant about how I'm going to make the manga/light novel. Please, if you wanna hate go somewhere else. He does have a point though, it's pretty hard to get someone to dedicate their time to draw something for you unless your idea stands out a lot. Just learn to take rude comments more easily, because it's still someone's opinion. If you think someone saying they don't like your idea is "hating" then you're going to have a bad story, because you don't take criticism well. Take what people say is wrong and think about it, it'll make your story a lot better. But that being said, just because you can't draw or write doesn't mean you shouldn't come up with ideas, keep coming up with ideas, it's fun to be creative and it's fun to read about other's creativity, so keep it up! :D Okay now for another in depth analysis of this story ryntrn said: History (edited): During the earliest forms of human civilization, the world was lead by the six legendary TItans: Hyperion of the sun and light, Akavari of the shadows and darkness, Ophilia of the Earth, Athena of the Wind, Zeus of Lightning, and Ixion of Fire and Water. I hope you don't expect us to remember those, because nobody will unless it's a really looooong story where each spirit gets a chunk of plot time. Also, Hyperion sounds like an Eevee evolution. ryntrn said: A struggle between the six to see who was fit to be King/Queen of Titans resulted in an eternal clash. This is interesting, a battle between gods to see who becomes the "Zeus" of the bunch. ryntrn said: The reason why the Titans never fought directly is unknown, but each of these TItans had an influence on ranging numbers of humans based on their philosophies(don't have ideas for each Titan's philosophy yet) and these humans became their followers. I like this too, reminds me a bit of Airbender. Each tribe will have a philosphy and will do things based on the element of their respective Titan. Also, I hope there's an interesting plot twist when you finally reveal why the Titans decided not to fight directly, don't leave this unanswered. ryntrn said: Each group of followers formed armies and countries representing each of the six TItans and fought with other armies to see which Titan will be named King/Queen. What made them decide to kill eachother over their Titan? There should be a motive for the humans as well, not just to help their Titan. ryntrn said: Hyperion's followers were known masters of the day, they fought in large numbers using teamwork and the light to their advantage. The followers of Akavari were known to use the shadows to attack in small groups while their enemy was off guard. The followers of Ophilia were best at close range combat as they didn't need any weapons due to their strong bodies and control over the Earth. Zeus' armies were known to be masters of long range combat, using the lightning to their advantage during battle. Athena's followers were the quickest of them all, using the wind to increase their speed and kill the enemy with swift attacks. Finally, the followers of Ixion, though they were the smallest in numbers, they were considered the most dangerous. Each of them were powerful individuals with the powers of either Fire or Water bestowed upon, they often fought alone as mercenaries with a reputation of causing mass destruction whrereever they battled. I like this, this could make for some really interesting fight scenes. I honestly would be more interested in a story about these wars then a story about the "real world". Just think, the two armies are fighting, the close range and the far range, the far range are boasting about how their army is going to defeat the others because of the matchup, when suddenly, the mercenary clan bursts from behind and attacks them! ryntrn said: As time went by, the Titans clashed with their armies, blood was spilled, wars were fought. As the many years of battle went by, severral treaties were made and broken. Peace was built on unsteady ground and repeatedly but always broke. After several years of constant war, the humans grew weary and started to lose their will to fight. They decided that living only to be used as puppets for the Titans was unjust. I think they would've noticed this a while ago, unless the Titans somehow tricked them. ryntrn said: The Titans, looking at this, met in what was called the Solistice Meeting (I know it could use a better name) and decided this was going to become a problem if they couldn't influence the humans to fight for them. Peace was finally achieved between the five Titans with no King or Queen among them. Woah woah woah, how did they come to peace so fast? I don't undestand how, after years of warring, they could just decide on peace, doesn't make much sense to me. ryntrn said: But this was with the exception of Ixion who was considered an outcast unworthy of power by the rest of the Titans what happen to Ixion or why he was considered an outcast is still unknown. You'd better explain this and it better be interesting. This seems like a very vague detail. ryntrn said: Here it is for those who want to read. The explanation about the powers needs work, I know. But I hope this built a good base for the story. I'll have the rest of it done soon. Alright lemme tell you something. You've been making a huuuuge background for this story, but you haven't said anything about your actual story except that there's a kid who hates evil (like most protagonists). Honestly, you have a pretty interesting backstory that could be used for some really cool stuff, why don't you try writing your story about them? I'd be interested in reading about how these groups fought and stuff. It seems really cool and interesting how each tribe is different from eachother. So yeah, that's just my two cents on the matter, good job getting your ideas out more clearly. |
Check out this animation yo! [/center] |
| This looks more like the background for a game. Anyways I just skimmed the stuff, and well, it's ok. How about adding in human factions and instead of separating the humans into two planets, you create friction between those with power and those without power? |
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