In Search of An Oasis - Original Yuri Action-Adventure Novel

O_T_T said:
That you're actually using proper manuscript style paragraph breaks is unexpected but neat. On the other hand, "music prompts" are a terrible idea when attempting to create written fiction. It speaks to a complete lack of prowess in presenting emotion or tone through the text itself, instead hoping the work of others will supplement it. The use of footnotes to clarify terminology or explain your own decisions. You should not be trying to replicate "TL Note: Nakama has no direct English translation but is like a very close friend etc etc."

The text itself, immediately plagued by unreasonably huge costume dumps. The visual medium allows for intricate character design thanks to it not requiring any additional time to exposit, but the written word has the exact opposite. You'll want to either simplify your designs or find a way to present them less obtrusively. Lower down, all dialogue seems tagged in excessive detail, this further prevents any flow from building up across the piece. Couldn't make head or tail of the actual plot, didn't seem to have a running theme.

It's much more a strange draft than a finished work. Cutting it down to be more efficient and to no longer require an entire second column of extra notes would be the first step.

JB-94 said:
I'm guessing you did read it, so for the sake of improving, if you don't mind my asking; did you read it without prompts or annotations? If so, how was the experience?

I did include an image gallery, so was thinking of cutting down the earlier chapters, where apparel are drawn into sharp focus (sticking to the description length that minor characters are given), so it's good to know that rewriting is probably a better way to go. I'm not sure if it was achieved, but I'm guessing "excessive detail" with the dialogue tagging meant that you knew how the characters were feeling throughout the dialogue-intense passages? The overall story timeline that my friend wanted to see is about thirty or so chapters long, where the story begins to cohere from chapter eleven onwards, so hopefully (thought I don't expect you to, given the feedback) the theme would become obvious for the remainder of the story. (Though this does beg the question of whether or not you're already bored by it?)