Tebaldi's Blog

Anime Relations: Toaru Majutsu no Index

I've been thinking about how human beings are fragile and malleable. In how people can be manipulated not only by the chin and temptations itself, but by circumstances. We are hostages of nature and society all the time... This makes dreams and ambitions born and die all the time. The Universe we can feel is merely a illusion created by our brains and societies we live in, and also coercive powers that come with them and may even become something beyond them... How do we want to consider ourselves free if we're stuck? It will not be okay if we accept the prisons? It's comfortable, after all. But I don't accept it. Knowledge for me is above all because only it will have something true.

But I wonder whether I have or have had something true in this life... Maybe my determination let me find out. Or maybe it's just a waste of time. I hope it's not the latter option...

Oh, expectations... What could we do without them? It triggers the whole world... There were already gone the days when such a Sara Gaspar said that she had no expectations. Liar. How could she is? Anyway, it's only the anxiety generated by what we believe to happen... Here is the point. Everything revolves around us. Our ego does everything to survive and not be engulfed by the Universe, that is, by Empty... So we want to fill that Void, and often create our own reality based on the facts... It's easier to create our Version of all than be exact, than following the truth. It's instinctive to imagine all sort of distorted stuff to fulfill our preferences. We might see what we want, even though if it hurts us... We are flexible to all that surrounds us, but also ourselves. Easily we succumb to our desires...

That's what I ask myself. How can I get out of this addiction cycle? How can I overcome the ocean of delighting and tantalizing doubt and know and live in truth? Like having a fully real life, without all the falsity and emptiness that surrounds us? That's what I looking forward: how to be true.

Anime Relations: Shinseiki Evangelion, Shinseiki Evangelion Movie: Shi to Shinsei, Shinseiki Evangelion Movie: Air/Magokoro wo, Kimi ni, Evangelion Movie 1: Jo, Evangelion Movie 2: Ha, Evangelion Movie 3: Q, Shin Evangelion Movie:||, ChäoS;HEAd

Trust me. You might be fooled.

What are feelings? I have thought about it my whole life. The clue that I follow more is from currently science. Don't be fooled: this science actually doesn't have a lot of answers, and negate some clues that could be approach us of Truth. However, for this argue's sake, I must currently use science knowledge. I think that is more close for reality.

We are animals. I had fooled myself for fourteen years. Since I was a kid, people teach that science is TOTALLY wrong and HUMANKIND is not an animal. Christianism stuff. There are many Protestant churches here, and I used to go to someone. I was fooled, and fooled everybody who have believed on me. When I realized that it's false, I closed my eyes. We are animals. Why do I insist in say that? Because animals can feel. About all can. How?

Feelings born through our nervous system and hormones. Basically some stimuli can excite our nervous and exocrine glands, making our sensations. It is about equal to all animals, with few differences.

What is reality? Our "reality" is a bunch of feelings interpretations. Also human feelings are progressions of the primordial instincts: eat, sleep and have sex to survive and prolong humankind existence on this world. For several years, there is law. However, humans have noticed that situation could be annoying and turn survive more hard. So conscious, a needed strategy to survive has created our societies and current feelings, and has reinvented knowledge to human levels. They were developed for a lot of years, and now it is on "almost consciousness". People have forgotten that it's linked to instincts. Always. It's only an strategy. May Ideas overcome Nature? In some aspects, yes. Notwithstanding there are many flaws on this strategy, in this lie to ourselves. This lie is dying us. Ironically it should save us. But don't be fooled: it's SAVING us, depending which is your view.

Feeling rises believes. Belief can betray us. Believes sometimes must fool us. To survive. To survive's sake. Trust can build giant towers, but also can throw you down. Because of that I am sick of it. I am sick with system. I want to change all of it. However I know that it's another lie. I can't change anything. I'm only a kid. I can't figure out anything better too. So I'm TOO tired... I want to leave this world right now. I guess if I don't have this "conscious", I might be "happy". But I know what is happening. I know my mediocrity yet damn cognition. I want to feel good moments. It might never happen again. It's so fast and then... Only pain...

Anime Relations: Kizumonogatari I: Tekketsu-hen

I think it's about time I talked about her. I believe it's something I have to do. I met her few days before my official high school first year begin. That meeting had such impact and was also quite devastating.

It remembers me Kizu, so they are related. LOL

She is the person I've loved, I guess. I don't know very well about my feelings. When I realize that I understand myself, I get in trouble because I notice that I don't know a lot of things. My self knowledge is destroying me. That's why I don't know what I had felt and what exactly I feel about her.

She confuses me a lot. At the beginning, she was cold but interesting. Some weeks later, because of my insistance, she opened up to me. Not at all, but a little. She could smile and laugh, so it filled my heart with happines. However she had a boyfriend. At first it wasn't bored me, but after my feelings started to revolve and change... I get myself in a big task. What should I be? What am I for her?

Even her boyfriend broke up to her, I couldn't do nothing. We had badly wrangles. I think it's my fault. Always the fault is on me, as my mother says. Do I want to date her? Do I love her? Why do I endeavour too much to her? Why have I so been upset always that I see her? There are the questions that my brain asked a lot for many months. It must burn.

It have broken me. More and more. A crisis is necessary for build solid relationship, but actually we did never have a true relation. The three, about to four, months that she beside me is an weak phase for her, I guess. When I was weak, she left from my side... It is loneliness, but the truth is women tends to run away if men are insecure or are not reliable (like a artificial product, money resource, psychologist, teddy bear etc). Actually I realize that I am always weak, but she didn't realize it at that days.

Not only me have been destroyed, but her too. I have destroyed her too many times. Conscious and unconsciously.

Rejection after rejection, my core revolved many times. And at the many school breaks my mind was about to explode. I was about to kill myself any times. I've destroyed our lives... I have... But I.

At January 5, 2015, when our classes have started again, I figure out to kill her. Not only kill, but also rape have sex and torture with her. I felt a neccesity to do this worse things. I hadn't felt like this before. I was scared with myself. I can assume that I wanted to revenge, but even it's not a good way to solve it neither she doesn't want stay with is NOT a big problem, why was I like this?

It have passed, but nowadays there is a pressure when we are together. A big tension. She can't stay beside, and so do I. We are used to fight every time. I don't want at all. But I don't want to stay with her anymore. Do I love her? I don't know. Notwithstanding she never have loved me. I lied to myself since our first "meet" at March 2014 about it. She loves me! Because that she is treating me like this! She is tsundere! How stupid could I be?

I was similar to Koyomi Vamp: I was become slave of she, so do Koyomi was slave from Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade. However he act based on altruistic sake, instead I was fed by egoistic desires.

Anime Relations: Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Comedy wa Machigatteiru.

Friends.

WoW, very strange name. Can I use "amigos"? It's the "translation" to my first language, and even I don't know very well etymologies in English, I'll develop my thoughts based in what I know much better. I am 17 years old at this exactly moment, close to 18, as my date birth in my profile says; but I speak and write my first language so very well that some people, expecially teachers, think that I am a genious or I'm copying and paste from another. I am only like Portuguese, memorized almost all rules and exceptions and can write such as I've read. However, my English is poor nowadays because I'm learning yet. So my argues will be simple or confusing... Anyway, let's continue.

"Amigos" are people that you and others consider closer, helpful and you (plural) can stay connected by a unknow (should be stronger) bond. Since someone can dive into your "âmago" (core), you "ama" (love) it. Did you see similarities? Well, it's my intention to write it in Portuguese, not in English....

In my childhood, I used to have any "amigo". I usually to be the strange guy, even nowadays. Since my 7 years I realized that I couldn't handle pressure, troubles and my thoughts alone. Then I was looking forward "amigos". Changing schools, I was registered by EP (acronym of the school) for February 2006 to March 2013 (3rd to 5th elementary school years, whole middle school and begin of first year of high school, even schoolar year usually starts at February in my country). I achieved true "amigos" when I was on middle school. However, time passed and just after my middle school ended, my ex "namorada" (girlfriend) broke up (December 20, 2012... One day before end of world LOL). After, more and more "amigos" follow your ways and dreams (so do I, I guess), and I realized that I was about alone. I was alone at my house from March to May. From May 22 to February 2014, I count with one "amigo" only. Rest are classmates or family (I can't trust on them) or virtual friends (even they are so far, it's hard)... And then I moved to another school, and I am currently registered at this school.

More and more facts happened, but my moves and fights proved me that nothing is forever, and I was wrong about people who I considered as "amigos", I guess. You could like people at the Internet, but they can't really help you. Even only one had saved my life with a IM chat, it's still insufficient. Now... I realize that due to I often pull my troubles into my "amigos" and expect that they can help me, I will always being frustrated. They are running away from me. Always. In some time, it always occurs. I can't do anything to change it. I am about to be used to it.

Human beings are very limited, and my failures and my experiences proved it to me. They can't understand me. They shouldn't understand. I am a sinner, a failure, and should be an watcher. I don't have claim to go through my stupid dreams, count on persons or "be happy".

"You're always doing something to claim attetion, aren't you?" Sara Gaspar asked me yesterday. It entered in my core such as a blade. Déjà vu.

I think that she could be right. Nevertheless my choices are decreasing... I'll lose this battle against myself and world. And it remembers me what Hachiman said about at episode 12 of first season of OregaIru. To release myself to this pain, I must do this. But I can't do it anymore... I shouldn't ruin any life anymore because my usual fails.

Anime Relations: Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Comedy wa Machigatteiru. Zoku

Own happiness sake's lifestyle.

I'll give up on this way that I'm currently run.

My useless impulses self esteem and dejection laziness energy conservation tells me every time that it's time to give up to be a fool who believes that can do everything. I know that I'm below average, but I was trying to believe any time that I can be kind, likely, smart, interesting or whatever. I can lie and fool people because I'm always fooling myself.

I can't handle this troublesome life.

I must sorry for my deceased father because I can't manage mission that he gave me before my birth: take care of my sis. I can't wait for... Well, factual changes happen or... my death.

Even I can't survive on offline neither online world, may I have to survive to my own pleasure? Since I can figure out that it could be other personas inside me, I can grant that it will being fed. I can't be helped since I hate myself, even it can be explain by an unresposible sentence: "I can love everyone, but I can't tolerate myself." It's the ugliest being that I found until now. I'm not talking about appearance, but about mind stuff... I want to sleep for many days, weeks, months, years etc very often... It can't be helped if I can't manage myself. But I can't like me because I am the problem, I am the trouble and I only can find a lie for realized solution. True salvation can't be created or found. It is a troublesome dream only.

I just watched OregaIru Zoku 10, and then I realized that what is true is because our own efforts. But if it couldn't sufficient, what should I do?