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Hello, Consp, short for Conspiracy. I thought of that name, mostly because I couldn't think of anything else, I'm personally envious of other creative names, maybe one day I'll change it (Procrastination).

I'm only writing here because I thought it'd be a fun time capsule sort of thing, when I look back and say "Woah!" or if someone stumbles upon this randomly, and takes interest, not that I think anyone will, but what I've learned from the lottery is, if you're not in it, you can't win it. Same principal, if I don't write this, then nobody will read it!

I think most of my time on the internet, and life, can be considered a failure. I think a lot about regrets, and the future like a lot of people, which personally makes me feel terrible because in life nobody is unique unless they're lucky enough, if they write something popular or if they think of a great idea, if someone makes millions. I've had a hard time speaking to people, I think that's what harms me the most, if they don't continue to chat to me, I usually lose them as a friend, it's my fault for it, and I know it is but it's hard to fix something like that.

I've not done anything successful, I find it hard to learn anything, I can't draw, or have any great hobbies. I hardly play video games, my interests always change, or are different enough that nobody really talks enthusiastically with me about them, or if they do, I usually drone on and make them bored and then they lose interest with me.

I used to me a lot more social, I think platforms like discord and my real life school friend group destroyed that sort of life, I spent most of my youth on discord, and I enjoyed my time on it, however I didn't achieve anything, I hardly made any friends, I didn't become anything, I was just someone in the vastness of these servers, talking for nothing, I played some online games with them, those were fun times.

I think I got sick of it though, I sort of want to go back, to when I could speak to people, but when you reach adulthood, it all becomes obvious, at least it did to me. School is replaced with work, more of your life is dedicated to getting an income, I personally don't have a high paying job, not with my education, I like my job, but getting by with minimum wage when I feel like I could have had much more opportunities is rough, those are some of my regrets.

I found it hard when I saw a video of someone saying that "Education is a luxury!", I completely agree, completely, what makes me feel angry, is myself. I didn't take it seriously, and in the end I think "There's someone in a third world country, that could have become a doctor, or lawyer, or something they dreamed about, yet it had to be a failure like me"

I always think of ideas, and I'm like "I'll write it down, or I'll make a comic and learn to draw" It never happens, I think I've ruined my brain, they say your childhood is the most important part of development and I feel like I agree with that, spending days in your dark bedroom, voluntarily bed-ridden, sleeping very late, and waking up very early, I couldn't concentrate in school, I felt far too tired, I think that messed me up. Maybe I can still change, but that was 8 or more years of the most important parts of my life.

These days I don't speak to anyone, I've tried joining discords that have similar interests to mine, but I don't feel like I can connect with anyone. I don't play games anymore, I watch YouTube for hours when I'm not working, I average 13hrs, I'm addicted, I don't enjoy what I watch. The only reason I look at it is because that's the only thing that keeps my brain interested, the constant stream of clips. I hate myself for it.

Lastly, I just want to say this, I'm completely miserable, however I keep going on, I keep working, I keep living, because I personally believe after death there is nothing, your brain just shuts off, there's a privilege to being alive, I can think of all the horrible moments, but I've had good moments too. The second reason is because I see two futures, this may sound strange but bare with me, one is that all of humanity dies to a myriad of reasons (climate change, nuclear warfare, world war 3 etc), the other future is that with the advent of A.I and other advanced technology, human living standards will rise, and so will anything we've ever conceived. This is my theory:

A.I is pretty much a brain, but in contrast with ours, it has limitless potential, it can constantly evolve. This technology can end up curing horrible diseases, helping fix climate problems, possibly solve diplomatic disputes, it can do anything, literally anything. If an A.I isn't developed for warfare, I think it would help try to solve our problems, of course there's always a possibility that it goes Skynet and we all die, but we're doing that process ourselves anyway, I think it's our only saviour, Humans are too stupid, and greedy, historically we've only been saved from mass destruction to luck, and a few important heroes.

I think if an A.I is created to such an advanced degree that I'm thinking of, anything that has a 0.1 chance of happening can happen, if teleportation is possible, then an A.I could go through trillions if not quadrillions of possibilities and find out the formula, and then develop such a technology if it was possible. Currently we're in the beginning of this era, and I hope to live long enough to see what happens.

I personally don't agree with generated art by the way, but I believe A.I is more than that, scientifically and medically. This might just be a pipe dream, or delusion on my part, but I think it's possible, and in the past century we've advanced incredibly far technologically in such a short time, with A.I on the horizon this might be shortened down even further. I have hope for humanity.


I know I said that would be the last thing, but I want to say one more thing, to whoever is listening, reading or watching me, God, some deity or possibly something beyond what I know. I hope I can live how I want to live, I hope I can get my dreams and wishes granted, I hope I can achieve something here, if anyone is there, please.

That's all, thank you.













[All opinions and ratings are basically on how I feel watching a show, if it makes me feel happy, I rate it highly, vice versa. I rate mostly on story and characters, I like great animation and music, but if the former is terrible, then I don't think the latter can save it, just my opinion.

Some ratings are based on a thought out score, some are based on nostalgia (Maybe if I rewatch some my ratings would change, some are probably just not what I thought it would be, or maybe that I expected something and was disappointed.

That's pretty much it, thank you for reading.]