| Could a few of you read the first part of my story? Be as honest and rude as you want about your opinions/suggestions. Just keep in mind that it's the first story I've every written for my own entertainment. Here goes: “STOP….PLEASE” That was the first thing I heard when I was about to walk into the front door of my new high school. Ugh why does this have to happen so early in the morning? I made my way to the side of the school where the cry for help originated. There, a group of students watched helplessly as a short, nerdy boy got pushed around by a small group of delinquents. They weren’t tall or muscular; the victim was just so tiny that they looked freakishly huge in comparison. Really you’re ganging up on a kid half your size? How messed up can you possibly be? Even worse no one is raising a finger to help. Like seriously, what kind of students sit there and watch as one of their own gets bullied? And people ask me why I don’t have friends… who needs them if they’re like this? Whatever, I guess I have to be the one to intervene as usual. “Hey how about you st—” I stopped myself as a cute girl with long brown hair walked towards the commotion. She looked like the type of girl that is popular with both sexes and finds joy in passing false rumors throughout the school, the type of private information that our generation calls “gossip”. Girls like that were the worse. Her looks didn't match what she was doing though; a "gossip" girl wouldn’t step in at a time like this. Weird. They only noticed her when she cleared her throat. The silence that followed was deafening. The anxious whispers that were present a second ago were gone. “What do you think you’re doing? What kind of disgusting trash gangs up on someone smaller and weaker than they are?” She spoke with such confidence that you could almost forget that she was actually really fragile looking, like a doll. How is she so confident? She must realize that she doesn’t stand a chance against 3 of them; their fucked up sense of superiority would never allow them to back off peacefully when there's so many people watching, that'd make them look weak. “We WERE about to leave this kid alone and head to class, but since you came along all high and mighty, I think we might stay a little longer” The biggest guy of the group of delinquents walked towards the girl and tried to grab her by the collar of her shirt…… When he was a few inches from reaching his target I grabbed his arm and pushed him away. Man... why’d I have to get involved? “It’s one thing to push around a guy, but it’s another thing entirely to lay a single finger on a girl without her permission.” Now why did I say that? And when did I get so badass? I guess acting like a gentleman could potentially get my reputation up. I mean it can’t hurt to try, right? WRONG, it hurt. It hurt a lot. I’ve been in a lot of fights in my life, all of them for other people. What can I say? Whenever I see someone getting disrespected I feel compelled to help them. Anyways, even with all my fighting experience I didn’t stand a chance against that guy, he was extremely fast and his strength was stunning. Technically speaking, I should have been able to take this guy no problem since I was much bigger then he was. But in the end he still kicked my ass. Hard. As I was swallowed up by the darkness of my consciousness leaving my body, I saw mostly everyone leave. The only ones remaining were me, the girl and the nerdy boy. So much for being different this year. Thanks for reading! I hope it's not completely terrible but either way GIVE IT TO ME! I WANT YOUR HATE! xD |
| your story might of worked in a generic slice of life anime or manga but on paper it just sounds bad |
| I realize that I need to put description in their speech... I'll work on that. As for organization it just so happened to paste like that. Anyhow what do you mean by "your descriptions seem a bit weird to me" could you give me and example? Nonetheless I appreciate you reading my story. Thank you. |
| @sethrollinsfan42 Could you expand on "just sounds bad"? Also, I know you can't tell right now but the story is actually about demons and such but the MC (narrator) hasn't yet unlocked his powers and doesn't know about that world atm. |
| Do you have any suggestions on how to get information out there then? Because like I said this is my first story and I don't know how to do a lot of things. I read TONS of novels but I'm always so immersed in the story that I don't really pay attention to how parts of the story is written... For example, let's say I want to touch on the MC's background story... how would I do that? Or at least, how would you do it? |
| Not bad for your first story.. im no writer or anything so i dont have amazing critique but as someone who reads books frequently ill try to offer some points. I like the voice that you have going for this story..its different and almost sounds like someone posting their experience on a blog. This might work for some people but might be a turn off to others. Plot wise however, it sounds like your everyday slice of life/school story so you could add a few elements to make it stand out more like having decent character development instead of focusing all on the boy getting with the girl..which i am expecting to happen after reading just that bit of your story! Honestly i think if you applied Sanmarios advice to your writing which is amazing and sounds like it came from a professional writer.. you are on your way to making a fairly decent story :D |
 |
KawaiiMimiDesu said: Not bad for your first story.. im no writer or anything so i dont have amazing critique but as someone who reads books frequently ill try to offer some points. I like the voice that you have going for this story..its different and almost sounds like someone posting their experience on a blog. This might work for some people but might be a turn off to others. Plot wise however, it sounds like your everyday slice of life/school story so you could add a few elements to make it stand out more like having decent character development instead of focusing all on the boy getting with the girl..which i am expecting to happen after reading just that bit of your story! Honestly i think if you applied Sanmarios advice to your writing which is amazing and sounds like it came from a professional writer.. you are on your way to making a fairly decent story :D Thank you for your opinion! I'll work on it for sure and hopefully get better. Practice makes perfect... |
| Kinda sounds like a cliche anime how your writing it, I know most early writers are heavily inspired by what they read and watch but you need to construct the scenario a bit better, unlike an anime we have no eyes to see what the school looks like, no ears to hear the mumbles of other students and so we require these be provided in excess to us compared to when in anime. I'd say work on your idea as well, you wouldn't believe how many people I've seen here write their first anime portraying a scene exactly like this (new guy at school, sees dude being bullied and wants to help, ends up in fight but notices some pretty girl, etc) Try and do what everyone else doesn't. |
| I've been here way too long... |
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