There's a sort of golden rule in writing, and that is that if you have the opportunity to show something interesting to the read, do that rather than telling the reader. There are exceptions to it, of course, but you have an opening line for a character, yet no-one is saying it; you are
telling us what the character said. Think about how impactful it is to get a cold opening like this:
"I think you should hang yourself."
This is your opening line of dialogue, and all of the power in this sentence lies in how it is delivered. How were the words delivered? What is the impact of this sentence? Who said this, and who was this said to?
- Suggestion - sensorial example: The words dropped like a guillotine, so matter-of-factly that it was as though they were trying to accomplish the very thing that they were suggesting all on their own, and that the recipient's head would fall into a basket any moment now.
Your POV character does not have a verbal response to this sentence, yet the sentence renders a profound effect on who it is said to, and so you should think in terms of gravity: a heavy object (the sentence) has just dropped onto the foot (or the conscience) of your POV character. Ouch, right? Consider conveying the impact of the statement by using descriptive language, analogies, metaphors, and other creative means, to better illustrate (or express) the weight of this one-sided exchange.
- Alternative suggestion - business-class;
- "I think you should hang yourself."
These were the words of a father to his son on his 23rd birthday; of a man who would did not believe in another man. Theo watched as his father turned and departed from the temple, leaving him and his words behind. The young man did as he always done in the wake of his father's ire: nothing. He did not move, yet his eyes could not keep still and stung of tears; his mind became wild and unfocused. It was the call to prayer that broke the spell of paralysis - the temple bells rang loudly, their swelling sound drowning out the murmurs and chants of the devotees. Birds atop the temple took flight, leaping into the heavens themselves. Dogs and cats ran amok in the streets, excited by the sound, and the children ran after them, excited by the animals.
The sun created a warm canvas, glowing orange, from the sky to the temple's own roof. Light dappled through fractal windows, falling upon Theo, who stood illuminated and alone amidst the reverent tones. He was surrounded by those he had known since birth, and standing before those old rosewood doors--in this moment--he felt as though he were truly seeing them for the first time.
The point of writing like this is to be clear and concise, and to trim as much fat as possible from your prose and dialogues, leaving only the leanest meat for a reader. In your shared excerpt you have this:
Even before the first tear slipped from his eyes, Theo's dad made a sharp turn of his head and left the temple. His father often did so when the truth in front of him clashed with the one in his mind. Theo did what he always did in such moments. He didn't move. But his eyes couldn't keep still.
As Theo's father stepped out of Theo's vision, he couldn't decide what to think about. As he mused about what to think, the prayers started. Bells clashed against each other frenetically. Their sound drowned all the worldly murmurings of the devotees. Birds atop the temple took flight as if leaping to the heavens. Dogs and cats ran amok in the streets, and children couldn't stop chasing after them.
Theo stood there all alone. Surrounded by people he had known since birth, he felt like he was seeing them for the first time. The sun, through the fractal-shaped window grills, sprinkled its most tranquil rays on Theo. The orange painted in the sky by the dipping sun merged with the orange top of the temple. The rosewood doors of the temple, once a matter of great inquiry in Theo's childhood, now seemed to flung open like a leaf torn from its branch.
God saw all this, and he couldn't decide what to think about. So he, too, stood still.
The God's face had a look of clairvoyance. His eyes seemed like an ornamental pond, and Theo's soul was visible in its water. Those eyes seemed to tell Theo to let it be. The God looked at Theo, his gaze piercing into Theo's heart. At that moment, Theo felt that God knew more about him than the people he had been living for so far. He had always thought of them as nothing more than statues, but now, God woke up to life.
The God walked down from his aureate womb chamber, and Theo looked at him like a man dying of thirst looking at a mirage. He first felt like asking God something, but he let go of that thought as he had done with many previous thoughts. But now his eyes were still. God gave the faintest of smiles, and Theo wished to see the Truth that he saw at that moment to be ever-present.
I'm no theologian, but that is a lot of Theos. You want to purge redundancies like this from your text and merge what ideas you can together, as I did a bit of under business-class. Use character names sparingly when possible, and spare no expenses when the name
should be coming up often. Next, you've introduced a deific entity in the story - God, or the aura of a statue of a god anyway - and while I don't have enough information concerning the intended themes of your story (it could be a slice-of-life/comedy, for all I know, but told over a long timeline), when you have already centralized a POV character in the first few lines you may want to spend a touch more time with him before stacking on another meaningful development such as introducing a major character/plot device/plot point into your story, and provide greater insight into the setting, as well as establish the context of the narrative, or hint at some of the prevalent elements, like you did with the magical aspect in your first few lines. Take your time and give your characters, as well as your readers, a sort of adjustment period to absorb everything before immediately moving on to the next point. We are starting with a father telling his son to kill himself - by paragraph 5, God is coming out of the womb. Pacing is important, building up to things like this can be a sort of adventure in and of itself.
Anyway, those are my thoughts. I like your descriptions and I like that you had the mind to give sensory details. That is good and you should be keeping the senses in mind all of the time, as that is the way to connect a reader with your setting. You do not need a mile's worth of prose to convey sensory information, or constantly address it, but you want to give the reader the sensations of magic, just as you would like to tell them of a chilling breeze sweeping off of a colder, restless sea, with the pungent odor of brine lingering in the air. You have a hooking opening line if it's spoken, and I think the power of it wanes substantially if you write it as prose and not dialogue. Keep at it and know that writing is a skill honed over time, through mileage, life experience, and knowledge. So it goes: interesting people write interesting things, dull people write dull things; anyone can be interesting if they work at it, and everyone would be dull if they didn't.