Sharkall's Blog

I haven't updated my progress for a while, so they just kept pilling up. For the sake of acceptable-sized-posts, I had to do it before the list got too long ^_^ . (UN)Luckily I had very much work to do this semester, so I haven't been able to read at my usual pace ... a book per week is so lame. Shameful ><. And I guess things will keep getting worse ... damn the system. I am DISSAPOINT :P
I'm a bit lazy, so I won't find reviews for all of 'em ...

Then, I have at last finished the ships series ... I somehow enjoyed the last books a little more, but they weren't especially entertaining. The usual stuff





Next, I've been reading a lot of star wars books lately. A few more and finnaly I'll get the New Jedi Order done. The plot is actually interesting, spanning over so many books, but they're not the type you can read more than 2 consecutively. Tops 3, if hardcore fan ^_^. But it's ok reading one now and then, between other things.






I have to mention that M.W.Stover is really good. One of the best SW books, alongside Darth Bane series, Thrawn, etc. I came into this book with higher hopes than I had for any of the other books in this series and I have to say that my hopes where met and exceeded. ( that's because I read Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith by him long time ago) Beautifully written, compelling and Forceful (pardon the pun :P). The psychological pain of Jacen Solo's breaking, interior conflicts, and powerful visuals associated to truly epic moments ( last stand kind, for example ) ... Masterpiece.
Example :






Next, I've read some Vargas Llosa. I usually don't buy this kind of books, but if a friend of mine gives some to read, I'll tag along. It's quite good, actually. But I won't pay for it :P Fortunately he has already bought all of them, so I won't have to, either.





Night Angel series was one of my favourites. I enjoyed things like the inventive magic system, genuine evil, sometimes obscene, moral dilemmas, sexual tension, and the epic moments and moving heroism that ocasionally brings tears to the eyes of the reader ( yeah, I think I have a weakness for it ^_^ ). Cliffhangers , too. And maybe some sex scenes :P
Here's a review for the first book.





All right. Because I really loved M Stover's SW, I started the Caine series, hoping to find something, well, transcendent :P. And I wasn't disappointed, but maybe I expected too much, also. Anyway, it was really good, and original, too.
This is an extremely good review ( <3 jay tomio ), even if it's for the third book.





Next, a book I absolutely had to read. Only I couldn't find it anywhere ( damn, why didn't I get to live in US ). Since Malazan series is arguably my favourite one, after Dune, any book written by Steven Erikson is a must. Even if it's only short fiction.
Made my day.
Here's a review.





// TO DO :

So , that's what I've been reading these weeks; I've included a link to a review for each of them. However, if you have some questions/recommendations/suggestions to give or to request, feel free to send a message. Sadly I hadn't time to elaborate, since some exams are creeping closer ... bah

Books finished in February :

Robin Hobb - Royal Assassin

Robin Hobb - Assassin's Quest



Robin Hobb - Ship of magic

Robin Hobb - The mad ship


Frank Herbert - The dosadi experiment

Friedrich Nietzsche - Beyond good and evil




Glen Cook - A fortress in shadow
This contains the 2 prequels to the Dread Empire main series (1980), written afterwards (1984- 1985). Here's a review for the main sequence

Gene Wolfe - Shadow & Claw , and another one here



R A Salvatore - The orc king

Brandon Sanderson - Mistborn, the final empire



Greg Keyes - Star wars : edge of victory II


And what I am currently reading :

These are for college, have to read ~ 100 pages / week ... Probably I won't finish any of them anytime soon. And for the Japanese cooking one, I have to compel someone to help, since it's not so easy to do all that stuff alone. May be boring, also ^_^
Modern Operating Systems, Windows System Programming, Linux System Programming and JAPANESE COOKING ^_^




Greg Keyes - The born queen

Troy Denning - Star wars : star by star (new Jedi order # 10 )

First of all, I have to thank her, for her made me realise we had a lot in common. I wouldn't have thought at posting about it otherwise. Hope she doesn't mind me using some of her words, since my feelings are scarcely different.

What’s this hallow feeling in my chest? ...This overwhelming loneliness?

No matter how hard I try, it won’t recead. It won’t go away. Is it because I can’t do anything about it? Or because I don't want to? Is that even possible? Maybe getting used made it so real I can't imagine a way out ...

The only thing it seems I can do is lock it up, deep inside me. I wonder if that’s the reason I wake up with tears in my eyes every morning... Those are my feelings, trying to get out...

I miss the feeling of freedom I once had. I'm the prisoner of my own sentiments. So I am dreaming, for dreaming is my last road to freedom. I can stride, reach out to the sides, reshaping everything. I can make the world as I want it, as it should be ... Maybe if ... or ... But I have to cut off this line of thinking. The what's and if's are infinite and meaningless. All that matters is what occurs. Allign yourself with that , man, and perhaps you will stand a chance of remaining sane ...

I miss the way everything seemed so perfect in my innocent eyes... The way all felt so pure and right. The hope that was driving me from behind ... the certainty that something better awaits for me there, just out of reach. I still hope, but now it's more like what gets me up in the morning ... I'm not the "prince of the universe" anymore ... The world has stopped spinning around me, and I relinquish claiming yet again : Witness !

I have been cast aside. They have wandered off, and nothing but confining walls and insensate furniture gathers close to mock my last few aspirations, my last dwindling reasons for living.

I don’t know why I lock up my feelings from everyone, except for the fact that I use it as a defence mecanism, as if I’m not allowed to show any weakness. Indeed, I try not to. And as a result, I oftenly get myself hurt by others. I don’t run from it, though. They didn't mean it. I must forgive and become stronger, so I can survive getting kicked; So life slaps me harder and harder, and the only thing I can do is looking forward to it. No way to evade, it comes like a tide where the difference between life and death lies in how you face it. So I try to brace myself and avoid getting swept. And laugh ...

Ha- ha ! That's right ... laugh. Hakuna matata ! Sometimes life just stinks and there's not much I can do to change it, so I might as well laugh. Why so serious ? It doesn't cost that much to smile. Maybe it won't make a difference to you, but it can make all the difference for someone else. Conforting, if slighty depressing. And as a japanese proverb puts it, we do not smile because something good has happened; rather something good happens because we smile.

People tend to think I’m stronger than I really am.

Me? I think I’m a fool. Too kind. Too sensible. Too much imagination. A dreamer. An idealist.

I have nothing to do with this world. I worry and care too much about the others to give any thought to myself. If it helps someone, I don’t even mind getting hurt. I have no greed. Not like the society in wich I dwel. So I am unfit, I'm not adapted to profit like others do. Does that mean I have no right to request to be happy ?

All I want is for this loneliness to go away. I have no real attachment to objects, titles, and wealthness. All of those are like chains that trap the humans. What I want is freedom, therefore, I’m not attached to them.

Now that I think about it, I’ve even began to put up a barrier to anyone I meet, so that I won’t become attached to the person. I’ve been hurt far too much, and so, each time I get hurt it’s like I tend to take another step back from everything. To shield myself. But it only makes my loneliness grow wider. It's so like my horoscope ... walking always backwards when being proactive it's the correct path to follow. Hiding under the shell, being two different persons to avoid getting hurt ... guessed it by now, right ? Cancer ...

I wish I could have my carefree nature back. Sometimes I can still have a small glimpse of those times. It’s rarity, makes me apreciate it so much more. I can only feel it when I’m undisturbed and unusually peacefull, like listening to the the wind rustling in the forest trees... seeing a sunset by the sea shore... But though I feel free and disconnected, I still feel alone. Something similar happens when I'm reading certain manga's or some very dramatic anime : even if it gets me overwhelmingly depressed, it's something I can't refrain myself from. Maybe I've become addicted to that intense sentiment, since it can stirr emotions powerfull enough to make me feel that I'm really alive. That it's somethin there worth looking forward to.
Feels like there is value in pain, if only to remind oneself that one still lives.When it's beyond your reach, when nothing normal could be regained, ever, then other pleasures have to be found. So body and mind taught anew, to delight in a darker strain. Sounds dramatic ? It feels so, too ... Maybe somewhere I've made a wrong turn, or didn't make the right one, but this is my heart's alchemy I've reached on my way.

Am I trying to fabricate excuses out of nothing ? Why do I have to justify myself ? Am I feeling guilty ? Does identifying the wrong turn provide me the inertia, the will to cast it off and start anew ? Will I be able to do just that ? ... I wonder ...

I wonder if somewhere in this world is someone that’ll be able to understand it. Someone that’ll be able to care for who I really am.

Sometimes that sounds to me like a children’s wish, and the fact that I didn’t had mine realised, doesn’t give me much confidence in it. It's like feeding itself : since I've barely had my goals accomplished, I've no willpower left to keep hoping, and how would it happen when I cant even believe it will ? Yet, I still dream ... and so, I wonder ...

Is there really such a person? The one who can take away my loneliness... the one who’ll care for me no matter what.

Sounds like an utopia to me.

But still, after all I’ve been put through, I can’t help to wish that that person really exists and that we’ll be able to meet each other. I will strive to be there when it happens, and give my best. I just hope I've hope enough to make it till then. So, while I'm still able, I will not give up.

I cant give up.

Untill then, I’ll have to live with it. Like a host to an overwhelming loneliness.