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As a child, I used to wet the bed a lot. Then I got bored and started wetting other people's beds. I've always been something of a dreamer, and most of what I dream about involves Kathy Lee Gifford, plywood furniture, small woodland creatures and a cement mixer. Most of the social workers assigned to me have resigned in disgust and retired to Fiji. They're responsible for the current coup there. As much as I love myself, I hate myself. That's because there are two of me. There's the me who pays his taxes, wears remarkably protestant ties and drives on the right side of the road, and then there's the me who smokes crack in church and sets fire to his own ass merely to win the attention of a 13-year-old who has spurned his advances. There's also another me who has the head of a goat, the torso of a certified public accountant and the tail of a slightly smaller goat, but there's always the chance that that me could be imaginary. At least that's what God tells me. I have nothing more to say.