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hi,
for some reason, i can't send any messages. last night was cool (more people should have shown up but it was fun anyway) so if the club wants to meet somewhere and do something, i'm in :)

I remember the other day I tried to explain to my mother what Twitter was. I couldn't. I completely drew a blank, because there was no way I could have done it without sounding like a moron. Eventually I managed to, and she said, "Well, what's the point in that?" To which I also could not answer.

I find it all terribly lacking. I mean, I am trying to explain the concept to one of my closest friends of missing being near her. To her, it's enough that we text, or chat online or call on the phone. I was not sure how to make it known that there is something else, a need (perhaps) for people to be near one another, to converse face-to-face, to touch, to breathe the same air... I didn't know how to say it in those words that I missed being near her since people completely don't understand the concept of wanting physical contact with another person without it being sexual in nature. I swear to you, I can sleep on the same bed with a half-naked girl all over me (has happened) and not feel a damn thing other than comfort because the girl is someone I love and care about and being close to her was important to me. Wasn't aroused, no dirty thoughts. But it makes me wonder why it is people want to make everything become sexual or romantic in nature. Lacking something in their own lives, perhaps? You ever notice how an anime is rarely popular unless it has love and/or sex in it?

You said quality of information. It makes me think of history. You ever think that with all the documentation going on, anyone 100 years from now will have trouble understanding US? I mean, our problem with the past was that we can never truly understand what they knew, or see the things they've seen. Now with all the video and textual documenting of every minute of our lives, you think that they would have problems deciphering our culture? Unless in the future, every moment can be connected via thought and whatnot, and they'd find our methods to be as primitive as we find drawings on a wall to be.

I remember trying to explain this not too long ago about that kiss. Bland? I am not sure. I mean, if I try to remember it, on a good day, I'd rate it as a 4. On a bad day, maybe a 3. I go with the last kiss I've had prior to that, which I would rate an 8. I found it to be quite... mechanical. No spontaneity, no emotion--perhaps that's why it wasn't enjoyable. Then there's the whole issue of the both of us not really wanting it but doing it because we both thought that's what we wanted. Hmmm. Humans are retarded.

Touching? Only a little. But it's amazing how chemistry/un-electrifying it was. I mean, one touch from another girl could get me hot and heavy, but every time I touch her, it always feels like... comfort. I can't explain it. She can slip her hand under my shirt and rest it on my tummy, and I'd feel nothing other than affection and safety. I guess she's not really someone I am ever supposed to have more than friendly relations with. Perhaps she's one of those "just friends" and I never really saw it. It makes me wonder if it's even romantic feelings I had or if my feelings for her on the whole were so overwhelming, I didn't know what to make of them and a crush/infatuation was the closest thing I could liken it to.

Human feelings have let me down so much. It's been quite a while since I felt any and now I wish they would just go away. Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all has obviously never been in love before.

Anyway, to answer your question properly, there was some touching. You know that really nice spot on a girl's hip, that if you manage to touch it ever so lightly (also good for rough grabbing), it can make her melt...? She got me there. And you know what? Nada. Nothing. It just felt... right, but I wasn't turned on. In fact, I think we both get a lot more from just touching one another and being close than having anything sexual. Funny how things work out that way.

Hmmm, is it still wrong to want to get sexual and emotional and intellectual stimulation from the same person?? I know the trend these days is to have one person who satisfies a particular desire. Perhaps I'm old-fashioned. I can't be turned on by a person if I don't have all. That alone has made me turn down a handful of girls. There was one I felt particularly guilty about. Perfect intellectually, emotionally, we connected amazingly, but there was no physical attraction on my part and so I turned her down. I think there's more to love than just that--desire has to be there. We're all just selfish about these things in the end. Everything is want, want, want. Even with love.

It's sad how now I don't want her that way. I mean, of course on some level, I wish she would just turn my way and accept my feelings and we'd try to work out something between us. But seeing her actions lately (it seems she's swinging a figurative bat around and knocking the people who care about her out cold) has made me wonder if perhaps I should be glad that nothing came out of our brief, one-time foray out of the Friend Zone. She's totally demolished her current boyfriend. I explained this situation to someone before. I didn't care for the guy, since he took the girl I wanted for so long only because he made a move first. Yet now he's depressed and totally crushed and I feel... sorry for the bastard. But looking at it, I came up with an analogy for the situation. About my feelings about him.

We're at a bus stop, I've been waiting at the back of the line for ages trying to make it on. The bus finally arrives and I am getting ready to get on, but then out of nowhere, he cuts in front of me and takes the last spot, and I'm left standing there, pissed, as I watch this guy assume my position. But then, a few streets down, the bus explodes with him in it. And I witness it all. So yes, I hated on him for taking what was (to me) meant to be mine, but I'm sort of relieved that HE was the one to get his heart stomped on, and I'm a little upset that it had to happen to him. But not too much. In a way, a sacrifice was made, and I was spared. I just still haven't made it to where I wanted to go though.

I've never had a serious relationship but I've had some "serious" ones. You know, the drama, the fights, the blah and the shit and the annoying crap. What the fuck is up with girls, seriously?! I mean for shit's sake, sometimes I wonder why I can't have a Juno-esque relationship where all problems can be resolved with orange bloody Tic Tacs?! Is that too much to ask for? I am sometimes of mind to think that women don't like to see anything peaceful as much as men do. I mean, maybe Kaiser Wilhelm II had a nagging wife?? "Fuck the Triple Entente! I vant a new country!" Bam! World War I. I dunno, there was this one girl I was sort of with who just seemed to LIVE, and I mean LIVE for me pissing her off so she can tell me how much I suck and whatever. I think they're addicted to feeling like crap and crying. Oh yeah, the dude in me is rearing his goofily attractive (that's how I'd describe myself; though, I don't look like a boy, I do have that innocent, disarmingly charming look plastered all over my visage) face now.

Anyway, yes, the girl I kissed WAS dating another guy. They're broken up now. So much takes place in so little time. It's explosive, really. Not for me, though she tells me I'm partly the reason why she couldn't have sex with him the night they were going to (oh my!) but it's not important anyway, since I know I wasn't the main reason (another guy was the main reason). Yes, it seems I like a girl who is rather... engaged, if that's the nicest way to put it. Though you can't blame a girl for who she likes and how many people like and desire her back. But I'm starting to think that maybe she's fucking with me. I mean, she neglects telling me so many things, important things, yet she tells me just the right amount to have me hooked and sunk.

Not anymore. I mean, I will get out those Aretha Franklin records and remind myself that I need a little respect. And if she doesn't wanna give me that, well, perhaps I should kick in some death metal and tell her to fuck off.

Movies? Books? Sounded like what I did when I lost my Internet, though curiously enough, I got more anime watching done WITHOUT my Internet than I did when I had it. And have it. I realise that the Internet actually hinders me from watching anime. So many other distractions...

I know, I know. Friendship over relationship. In fact, the girl I have feelings for admonished me when I confessed with, "Weren't you the one preaching that you'd never get involved with a friend?" My argument wanted to be that I hadn't considered her just a friend for the last two years, but oh well, I suppose I am that priest from the Thorn Birds, never practising what I preached.

That's the thing. Our relationship is so close, that if say one thing changed about it, and that thing being us taking it to a physical level, it would be the same thing. Just with kissing, touching and probably sex. She's the kind of girl I can lie in bed with for hours, whispering corny jokes to while she's got her head on me and an arm wrapped tight around me. But I guess, all the more reason she doesn't want to eff it up--how many people can you do that with without it leading to sex in some way or another?

She's not hiding anything from me. She claims that if we get together, she's the one who'll mess up what we have. In short, she doesn't want to lose me so badly that she cannot have me. Normally I am the rational one. I had been in a situation like this before, where I was the one being confessed to. Except it was different--I didn't reciprocate any feelings. The girl I care for now, well, she feels something. She doesn't want to look at it or acknowledge it though.

Now, well, her new boyfriend can make her forget about me. That's great. Now I assume the role of the best friend who is (not-so-)secretly longing for the protagonist while her love affair with the hero dude plays out. I have newfound respect for those unrequited lovers of anime. Before, it was wonderful to see them pining away, and you get that, "Aw, how sad." feeling for them. In their place? I am never gonna say that again. I'll watch those bastards and say, "God, that's fucking brutal."

I do still enjoy downloading. I do it as much as I stream. Especially anime movies--I try not to stream them. I rather watch them on DVD or DL the file.

The only thing I liked about Blood+ was the first ED theme song by Hajime Chitose. That anime opened up her music to me, and for that I am grateful as her songs punctuated a period of my life that I would truly forget ever happened were it not for me remembering, "Oh yeah, and I got this song that year..." I liked Blood the Last Vampire quite a bit. So you can understand how cheated I felt when I saw Blood+. It was like they dumped the original content into a shounen soap opera.

Omg, that Chun Li movie was literally the WORST movie I ever saw, and I saw Cursed and Gigli. Blu-ray. Ah. Didn't even have the decency to spell the thing right and it's the new DVD. The new phones will be called fones soon. The English language shall soon become extinct. It happens, I suppose.

Wow, a bike?? I love bikes. I can't ride one since I'm a girl, apparently. Where I'm from, it's only acceptable for a girl to ride a bike when she's little, and when she's cycling for exercise or sport. If say I wanted to run an errand and wanted to use a bike? I'd get either:

a) assaulted
b) robbed
c) condemned
d) laughed at

by the people in the neighbourhood. Women are supposed to walk or be driven, apparently. Fuck my country.

So apparently, my net or phone lines won't be returning until a month from now, so...

I manage to be in school, I have a free period, so time to exploit the school's internet.

Oh man, I know that feeling of starting off promising and then ending quite mediocrely. I was watching something called Kurokami--the first episode practically made the violent fangirl in me jizz in her pants, but the second episode and later episodes truly paled in comparison. I'm holding out hope that it will not turn into a pack of crap eventually.

There are some anime that start bad and you hope it will get better though. In my experience, if it's bad from the beginning, nothing gets better unless you get immune to what you see. For me, I get bored, and when I get bored, I get mad. I don't care what an anime does--offend me, shock me, disgust me, just don't BORE me. Same with people. It's why I tend to date assholes than nice girls--nice girls are more likely than not, quite boring.

I think the reviewing system here on MAL is totally flawed. Most reviews are just fans gushing about something. Nothing wrong with that--gush, if you like, just give enough that it isn't a love poem to the anime you've written, but a criticism of it. My Xam'd review is totally long, probably going to be hated by the masses since I picked the anime and its characters apart, but I had damn fun writing about it. I could do a damn thesis on it, actually.

You shouldn't remove a review if people hate it, but I understand how you feel. I've stopped caring about what people think and just feel satisfied knowing that I've written something I would like to read and said all the things I wanted to say.

Someone said our conversations are "walls of text"? :P I am rather amused. I just know the one person who was rather amazed by the length of them. It's okay, we've become a quick, busy people over the last few decades. We don't take our time for anything. Food? To go, please. Sex? In a toilet, preferably with my clothes still on thanks. Rearing a child? Better pay those sitters well, I hope! What am I even saying--nobody has time to even say please and thank you for those things anymore!

Nobody wants to talk to anybody and nobody really wants to learn from anyone else. I think most people have turned into empty vessels, or they've become quite like the parents on the Peanuts: mwap, mwap, mwap.

Haha, I sit through movies, yes I do. Anime however, if it's boring, I tend to look at EVERYTHING ELSE but the screen. I bite my nails, close my eyes, but I don't leave from in front of the screen. It's pain and torture like you don't understand. Shikabane Hime has been the latest boring as fuck anime I forced myself to finish.

My money problems are more like, "Spend it this way at the mall? Or spend it that way at the mall...?" Something like that. I don't buy clothes and whatnot that much--though when I do shop for clothes, it's like an entire day devoted to filling the wardrobes since I go shopaholic crazy around that time. Most of my allowance goes into buying movies, anime, food, and personal knick-knacks, nothing more or less.

I cry too much during movies :D Slumdog Millionaire made me cry the most and probably the only time for any of the 2008 releases. This year, to me, was weak, but everyone's been shooting me down with that one saying this year was the best in a long time for movies. Maybe I'm a lot harder to impress lately.

Btw, where did your Chaos;Head review go? I miss it--it dissed the anime appropriately, albeit, stream of consciousness-ly.

I know. I feel sorry that actually brilliant anime are left all alone because it doesn't conform to what fandumb wants to see. I would love to see anime that dare to be different while trying to be popular. I was hoping this would happen with Toradora, but so far, it's been panning out the way I expected it to.

Hmmm, the new Afro Samurai is out? I didn't even know...

I am not sure what I would get off as, but I make a fairly good conversationalist. Or at least, I make a very good chatterbox, that much I know. Oh my, I don't use MSN anymore--people think I've died or something. I find most conversations I hold there are vapid and pointless, unless I am speaking to close friends. It's why I prefer not to take any more requests with people from the Internet asking to chat with me in real time. Part of the appeal is that there is indirect communication, a chance to ponder, collect thoughts, soak things in. One on one convos on MSN or another instant messenger? Mostly it's just a lot of "I know :P" or "What, really? :O" and "Okay :D" I want to get away from that. I've had enough of that.

I dunno, well, I think you know with guys, I prefer short hair. I like wavy or curly hair to play with though--love running my fingers through curly hair, but I am not particularly attracted to curly hair on people. It's funny, I don't really play with people's hair, the ones I like, I mean. They mostly play with mine, though.

I find the tomboy from the L Word to be exceedingly hot, but that's just me.

I probably won't ever go on a roller coaster. I'm very boring. I have to do things on my own pace, really. Damn, that sounds effing dangerous, that night driving thing. Dangerous, though exhilarating.

Oh God, computer nerds again. If I meet another Mac dork who tells me how awesome his laptop is, I'm gonna punch something. I mean, sure it's cool to just slip your CD or DVD right into the computer instead of having to eject a tray or whatever, but that's the only nice thing about it.

Ugh, the only movie that managed to make a comic book into brilliance was the Dark Knight. Now, I am not one to follow hype. I don't like Christian Bale, I don't (didn't?) care for Heath Ledger, and I sure did like my campy Tim Burton Batman flicks, but that one blew me away by managing to be a psychological action flick with some crime drama thrown into the mix. Excellent adaptation, better than the freaking comic books even.

I don't know about my skin being clearer, but you can't get me to drink those things. I like Lucozade, though. And maybe one flavour of Gatorade which tastes like they tried to make a thousand gallons of it with one packet of cherry Kool Aid and tonnes of Splenda.

I think I overdo it with coffee though. I would drink it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, randomly if given the chance.

Let's face it, hair or lack thereof is what makes a man. You saw that Axe commercial? It's one of the few Axe commericials that's semi-realistic. They got all these good looking guys to wear ugly wigs and try to pick up chicks, and those women blanked them. There is this one boy in school. He came in with his mop on his head that looked like the hair of the gheys from High School Musical, the one with the afro. I found him utterly unattractive and proceeded to debate with the girls that the short half-Chinese one was the best looking boy in school. Then he got a hair cut, the afro-boy, and I had no idea how much he looked like T.I. and all the girls started paying him a lot more attention. I do think T.I. is pretty hot, when he's not making those stupid faces.

I've never heard of the guy with glasses. I stopped doing anything video game related when X-Play changed their set, hair, make-up, wardrobe, entire TV show... I couldn't bear what was happening to stupid gaming channels. Tech TV was awesome. Now I wanna watch video games, I have to deal with a marathon of Star Trek or Arrested Development before I could get to see a walking pair of plastic boobs try to tell me what's hot in the world of gaming. I'm pretty sure the only thing she knows about Warcraft is that her rich geek boyfriend likes to ignore her and play it when she's sucking him off (this has happened in reality).

I am sooo not the people person. Absolutely not. I tend to be rather warm and friendly, but that's because I am. It's like letting someone have the ability to run 100 metres really quickly but the track team holds no interest to them. Most of the time, I feel like shutting myself up in a cave. But I have no cave. I don't even have a basement. I do have a nook under some stairs though...

Yeah, as for kids, I would love a little girl. Not because I don't want a son, but I've seen how boys in my country turn out and I'll be damned if I raise a pompous, arrogant, helpless, pathetic, aggressive, ignorant tool. Adoption seems to be the most logical thing to do, but I want something that I made, not that somebody else made. So, in vitro or I wait until science and ethics have been debated and allow two women to miraculously have children together, like those lizards do. I forget the name of it, but who cares? I think they could be solving AIDS or cancer. Which, I think they have, but they just don't want to tell anybody. Oh, if only House could've really existed... He could've prevented breast cancer with a sarcastic witty one-liner and save a lot of people a lot of money.

Teaching homosexuality in school...? That makes no sense. Are homosexuals a science project? The only way I see that even making sense is if they're teaching sex ed and the kids, the potential little poofs and the baby dykes, need to know the protective measures needed for homosexual intercourse and the results of it (i.e. no baby).

Ha, intellectual type? Never! Update: I don't own an mp3 player unless you count my computer and phone as being one. I don't see the need to get myself one of those things since my computer does wonders for me. And I still use CDs sometimes. I know, I know--might as well bring out the cassette tapes and VHS. I try not to smoke. Most likely, I'll be the one sipping on something that's very child-like. Went drinking Friday night. Had me a Mudslide. Everyone else was getting wasted on tequila, but I enjoyed my feeble cocktails.

Are You Afraid of the Dork, more like. It scared me, I will admit. Though now I'd probably be like o_O if I watch it. Today I saw a new version of X-Men. It was awful... They should just stop making X-Men cartoons.