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Jul 10, 2009 10:02 PM
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Chapter 1: My Name is Koguro Saturo

My name is Koguro Saturo, I'm a mystery to everyone including myself. I was raised here in the depths of the demon world.
I woke up feeling like it was going to be a normal day. To me all I do is wake up and train all day and then go back and get and get some sleep. The same thing everyday.
"looks like your up Koru" she said happily with a smile
She's my trainer, her name is haruhi samu. She claims I have a natural tallent and insist she trains me. I still believe she's hiding something from me. I'm 16 and all I know is I woke up a few months back knowing only I was in the demon world and my name. Haruhi is the only person I trust.
"yah I'm up" I said replyed dullfully "let's go train now"
"always so determind" she said cheerfully
As I walked out with haruhi to the training grounds I wondered what I'd do and learn today. I had np idea bow much I would learn about myself and how dangerous it would be.
We finally arrived. "alright to start were going to begin with knife throwing. Now try to hit me, I won't accept a complete miss"
I began by watching her movments. I found pettern and threw the knife in her next landing spot. Just as I had expected she caught the knife.
"nice shot" she said impressed "now try to concentrate your abilitiesinto the knife"
"alright I will"
She began to hastly move around, I began by concentrating my energy into the knife. I next found her new pattern and threw the knife. The knife began to glow and it split into 20 duplicates.
"holy shot what happened" haruhi yelled "aaahhggg!!!" she screamed as the knives pierced her flesh and ripping into her body ripping her tendons. She collapsed onto the ground.
I then was forced to watch the only person I gusted getting carried away wondering what I did and what would happen would she lice or would she die.
My name is Koguro Saturo and all I know is that I posses powers I can't even begin to imagine or understand. I wonder what will happen next.

That's chapter one please comment about my story :3


zandreiJul 10, 2009 10:31 PM
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Jul 10, 2009 10:09 PM
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you have a bunch of spelling mistakes and make sure to add more details about the environment and what the characters looked like. Besides that good story and you started off with a great way it makes people want to find out what happens next. :)

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Jul 10, 2009 10:13 PM
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Yay I'll explain more about his looks later cause I've got ideas and it should work, and the demon world is going to change a lot so it'll be good later on
Jul 11, 2009 6:01 AM
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Your topic is very good and your ending was amazing because that would be what anybody least expects and was what drew me in the best. I will also be looking forward to reading more!
Jul 11, 2009 10:24 AM
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Thank you I'm writing more today ^_^
Jul 11, 2009 12:04 PM
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Chapter 2: the forbidden art

I woke up and threw my black shirt and pants on. I grabbed my weapons bag and walked down the shadowy halls of my current home. When I reached the end of the hallway and I was greeted with an unpleasant surprise.

"well if it isn't Kordo Landson the king of all demons" I said with a suspiciously "what are you doing here?"

"you can use the forbidden art and now we know, we plan to move you to our home now. We plan to find out were you learned it" he looked at me as tho he wanted to kill me with those sharp peircing eyes "get him"

Two demons dropped down behind me one of them chopping at my neck. I collapsed to the ground watching the only world I new fading away.


"Where am I?" it looks like I'm in a cell. I'm chained up and there's others here to "hey you" he didn't respond "hey I'm talking to you" I suddenly realized the smell of rotting flesh and burnt blood I also noticed the bloodstains on the walls "wait this could be a torture chamber"

Dammit I screwed now how do I get out I thought to myself I need to get out of here.

"so your up" Kordo said menicingly "are you ready to talk or should I leave you here to rot"

"go to hell" I said

"what? Talking to me with such disrespect"

"you think I'd tell you anything" what's be even talking about I wish I knew.

"TELL ME!!!! how can you use the thousand knives!!" be was now desperate and grabbing onto the poles to the cell I was in with boiling red eyes.

"I'll never tell you" I said glaring into his eyes

"fine you can stay here forever and starve to death" he said as he walked away.

An old man suddenly appeared next to me sitting on the floor and was no taller than 4 feet. He was wearing a robe that went down to his ankels. "so you can use the forbidden art?"

"mind explaining to me what that is" I replyed back curious myself.

He responded with "well it is said that only the ones who are gifted with the power of thunder can summon it. In other words only those special enough can use the technique called thousand knive. It represents that you have a beast inside you. That is the most powerful technique and only I e of many that you should be able to posses. Also you should be able to form into a creature depending on your personality."

I was shocked to hear about my abilities and to know I was a summoner of forbidden arts.

"now I will help you release your power so you can control it but first you must escape this dungeon by summoning all the power within and launching it into your beast side to summon it"

"but I don't understand" as I said that the man slowly faded away. "dammit don't leave, I still do t know how to summon the beast within!!"

My name is Koguro Saturo and I am a summoned of forbidden arts, Will i be able to escape or will I rot to death in this dungeon?

Please comment and I will post my next chapter tonight or tomorrow about at this time.
Next chapter the secret of the beast within.



zandreiJul 11, 2009 1:18 PM
Jul 11, 2009 12:53 PM
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a few grammar mistakes but all in all it's pretty good

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Jul 11, 2009 12:59 PM
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Yah I'm gonna start chapter three soon and then I'll post so thanks blaze ;3
Jul 11, 2009 2:50 PM
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mh...lolz, why's it called thousand knives, when it has to do with some beast within your main protagonist? I don't really understand...well I guess it'll be cleared later...
Jul 11, 2009 3:07 PM
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Well thousand knives is a technique that be hasn't mastered, it basically is an attack in which he throws his knife after charging and it splits into 1000 (hense the name) knives but he hasn't mastered it swing as how he doesn't eve know what it really is. It also explodes with thunder.
Jul 11, 2009 4:53 PM
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Chapter 3: the beast within

Days passed and I couldn't free myself from this cell. Kordo continued to attempt to ease the truth out of me. I began to think about my abilities.

If my abilities can multiply my knives by concentrating energy into the knife than maybe by concentrating my energy into myself I may be able to summon the beast within. Ok let's try. I began to concentrate my energy.... "dammit it's not working!!"

A few days later.

"have you decided to tell me?" asked Kordo
"go the hell away" I meanicingly looked at kordo. What am I saying was that... really me?

"So your going to tell me. It's been a week now we move to torcher" as I way he'd him pull his deadly looking knife out.

"you won't get me to tell you anything like that" I blurted out.

The cell door opened with a load creaking noise as Kordo walked in stabbing my arm. "TELL ME!!!" his eyes were bloodthirsty and pitch red.

"haha a chance in hell" wait why can't I control myself or what I'm saying. As I looked over to my arm all I saw was a knife with these strange vines rapping around it. What's that I thought. There was no blood and my arms began to glow.

"what's this" Kordo said while backing away. "your eyes there red"

"rrrraaaggghhh!!!!" I burst out of the chains my body wasn't the same my arm was now full of these matzo vines and my hands were now claws. My legs body and head was now like this along with a tai I now had that had a clawed end.

I now held Kordo by his neck. "you weakling your a disgrace" my voice was dark, deep and evil. As I said that my other arm reached up spearing his stomach and in one fatal swipe I uncuntrolably ripped him in half throwing his pieces aside and watching the blood seeping out of his mutilated body.

My body began towalk to the top of the dark dungeon. When we got to the entrance we were greeted by three demon guards.

"take him down" the two demons jumped at me. My body reacted swiftly and ripped through each of them. They fell hitting the floor with a load crashing of there armor skidding across the ground.

My bloodstained body now moved to the third demon who was preparing a spell.

"KORZON!!" he shouted. Flames roared put of his hands engulfing me. "your not as strong when it comes to spells now are you"

As the flames subsidded they revealed me being completely unharmed. "foolish welling I will crush you with one swipe" as I had said my body lurched forward and the one swipe tore the last demon in two.

That's when my body regained it's original form.

I ran now in control to the forest witch I discovered a small cabin.

I knocked on the door. No one answered. "hello!!" I shouted. There was no response so I walked in.

That is were my hardships would begin, my life was about to get much harder and I knew it.

Next chapter: chapter 4: the wanderer

Please comment, I hope you enjoy :3
Jul 11, 2009 5:02 PM

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a few spelling mistakes and try not to use I so much to start a sentence. Besides that great job :)

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Jul 11, 2009 5:09 PM
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(just so you know the spelling mistakes I don't care about as long as it makes sense.
Jul 11, 2009 5:16 PM

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isn't he overpowered? defeating 3 demons without much effort is a bit...well <.< but I guess they were lowlife demons lolz
Jul 11, 2009 5:20 PM
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well they were low lives and the demon king didn't see it coming and it was a fast attack I didn't say he was completely dead tho. The three were just your basic demons. But he definitaly will be facing stronger opponents. But I do see what you mean. ;3
Jul 11, 2009 11:49 PM

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I have to admit that I was really not expecting him to turn into a demon himself!! It's very good but I only have one question that is what is really making me wonder: what happened to Haruhi?? Don't tell me if it spoils the ending though!!
Jul 12, 2009 9:58 AM
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FYI it's not a demon it's a machine like creature (you'll find his name in the next chapter) and koguro is part human/demon/machine. As for haruhi you won't get rid of her that easily. The next chapter going to explain quite a bit.
Jul 12, 2009 8:23 PM
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The chapter name has been changes to "preparations"

Chapter 4: preparations

Meanwhile in the prison cell:

"that monster tore me in half. Solseyorine forstan." a glow illuminated the cell. It began to slowly dim revealing the healed kordo. "let the hunt begin"

Kordo began to make his way up into the castle, threw the darkness illuminated by the dim glow of the torches that still burnt. Rats scurried around gathering chunks of flesh for a midnight snack. The crackling of bones was heard as the rats crawled around.

As he continued a small glow was seen in the distance. "who's there" kordo shouted.

"oh just the dungeon keeper" said a crackly voice. "what brings you here my lord"

"I have business. Now let me pass"

"very well" he opened the door with a load metal screech. Kordo walked through and continued until he reached the door to the main castle. He swung the door open. The castle was dark with a red glow from the windows. The railings were black and unpolished. There were skulls attached on random spots of the railings. In each of the corners there was a gargoyle, they had wings like those of a dragons, fangs of a vampire and eyes like hell itself that glowed as though they were watching you.

Two of the gargoyles shifted and stepped of there platforms greeting kordo as be walked in. They spoke with the voice of a devils cry, "you have returned my master" they bowed to him.

"thank you sorgon and forzel."

"so how did it go?" sorgel asked.

"have you awakend shiva?" forzel continued.

"follow me." they began walking threw the castle corridors. They glowed red from more tinted windows.

"shiva has awakened" kordo answered "he seems to have chosen a young boys body for the time being." he began laughing evily.

"master we have some bad news."

Forzel continued "it's from the horizon faction."

"yes what it is" kordo replyed suspiciously.

"haruhi samu the creator of light and darkness has escaped."

"WHAT!! How can this be, she can't find korugo or shiva could be sealed." he began to think hard. "send a group of the finest most skilled demons for haruhi and korugo."

"yes master" sorgon and forzel replyed "we will do that now."

It was now morning at the cabin.

I woke up with a yawn. The sun caught the window and illuminated the room.

"ugh, stupid sun" I sat up. I began to think to myself, what should I do now, were should I go I don't know dammit. I smashed my fist into the floor.

"looks like you've escaped as I expected." the old man said.

"whoa" I jumped back. "how long have you been here."

"well this is my house you marched into"

"I thought it was abandoned" I said confused.

"well anyways we should be on our way I expect they will be here soon." he got up and began to pack some clothing and a few scrolls and weapons. "grab your bag and let's go."

I grabbed my bag and followed the old man. "were are we going?" I had already passed the point of carring who was following me.

"to an old friend of mines."

We continued threw the forest. The bugs buzzed in your face as we trudged threw it. At times we would have to trusts through swamps that would pulls us deeper down. I was always trying to keep up with him.

"can I ask you a question?" I asked.

"you can call me figo." he responded. "were almost there."

I looked around but I saw nothing that looked like a settlment. We went on for another ten minutes until we arrived. There was a small cabin with many holes and it blent in well with it's surroundings.

"here we are, now wait here while I grab him." figo ran up to the trashed house and knocked on the door. The door creaked open, there stood a man.

Next chapter: chapter 5: the master
Please comment on my story :3
Jul 14, 2009 11:24 AM
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Chapter 5: the master

He stood there staring at me calmly. His hair was a very dark shade of blue. He had a large scar running from his top left eye to his bottom right cheek. His eyes were slanted as thoughs of someone whose killed. He was tall and looked about in his thirties but he was much older. At his side was a sword.

"if it isn't Figo." he said with a straight face.

"yes, it is I."

"it's been a long time!!" he said with a smile picking Figo up and hugging him.

I sttod there staring with my jaw hanging out.

"who's this young lad." he said as he teleported behind me and rubbing my head.

I jumped back "who are you, what do you want?"

"call me Ryouta Shou. What's your name?" he smiled again.

"Koguro Saturo." I turned to Figo. "why are we here Figo."

"it seems you and Ryouta have something in common, he will now give you a task to complete while I talk to him about this thing you have in common.

Ryouta's smile disappeared as he looked at me. He was obviously thinking hard. He followed Figo to the house and said "your task is to survive and bring me the special glowing stone." as he saidthat he stepped in.

What I thought to myself. The trees around my began to jump to life one of them picking me up into the air. The trees began throwing me across the canopy.

The skin on my arms was being ripped off. I realized now that I wasn't bleeding and I didn't feel much pain.
Next chapter
Chapter 6: Haruhi's travel
I reached into my pocket and grabbed a knife. I then sliced a branch off of a tree I was being thrown into. The tree missed me by a hair. A crashed into the ground. As I rolled across the ground the first pain hit my left arm. The pain felt as though my arm was being stabbed I we and over again.

I feared to look towards my left arm. As I glanced at my arm I couldn't see anything there. I looked closer and realized my arm wasn't there.

The second pain hit as though my arm was being ripped off slowly.

"aaaagggghhhh!!!" I squirmed in pain as I screamed.

My eyes began to glow red as I slowly struggled to get up. My I saw my arm fall out of the tree. My body reacted swiftly and. Caught my arm as it fell.

My mind began to race, what's going on the pains gone but I'm not transformed wait is this just part of my other self?

As I thought my body began to absorb my left arm. My body then grabbed a knit out of my pocket. And threw it at the trees.

As the knife soared threw the air anything it touched melted down to ashes.

As the knife hit the ground I began to fade back to myself again. I saw a glow in the area where the remains of the trees were. I ran over and grabbed the glowing item. It was a yellow rock that had a glow to it, it was a clear-yellowish.

I walked back to the cabin holding the rock and saw Ryouta and Figo staring at me. I ran up to Ryouta and asked "what is this?"

Ryouta responded "you seem to posses the power of electricity." as he said that he raised his arm.

I began to collapse and the world began to blur. I collapsed onto the ground and blacked out.
Jul 14, 2009 11:32 AM

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I'll be blunt: I don't understand anything anymore xD what does chapter 6 have to do with haruhi? you writing it in "I" form outof haruhi's view? I don't get it D:
Jul 14, 2009 11:35 AM
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Well I'll explain it in chapter 6
And quay don't you understand?
Jul 14, 2009 2:13 PM

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sakurei is right how does chapter 6 relate to haruhi?... besides that though good job :)

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Jul 14, 2009 3:26 PM

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I would suggest slowing the story down so that you can explain it a bit more because I found it a bit confusing. Other than the story line going too fast, your line of thought on how you were going to write it was good!
Jul 14, 2009 5:40 PM
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@devil thanks and you know how she escaped well she's going to show up in the story and I need to explain her character before she just pops up.

@asianvamp yah I wasn't all there web I wrote this chapter I was a little distracted. I started by writing it down on paper and I didn't even understand it so the story is a little confusing but Ryuota is a specialist at anything brain/mind related so he forced korugo to black out by "controling" his mind. I will explain the rest in chapter 7 probably.
Jul 19, 2009 12:46 PM
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I'm finally posting chapter 6

Chapter 6: haruhi

Haruhi jumped down from her cell and landed outside on the ground. It was a foggy, dark night. The fog was thick and you couldn't see a thing.

"there she is, get her!" a guard yelled. The guards rushed at her.

Haruhi's hands began to glow and in her left hand a light sword appeared and in her right hand a shadow sword appeared, and with one swift movement she cut threw the 3 guards.

The fourth guard drew a giant axe. "so you seem strong, but you aren't strong enough." the guard smashed his axe into the ground.

The earth around Haruhi began to rise and circle around in a vortex surrounding her.

"hahaha your finished!!" the guard laughed.

Shadows began to fly into the swirling rocks. Shadows then errupted from haruhi. Her pink hair was waving around and her eyes were blood red. She approached the guard threateningly. "is that so?"

The guard had a scared and fritened look as he stepped back. "how did you survive?!?!"

"I am not human. FUSION!!" the shadows fromed into her right hand "DIE!!!" she lifted her shadow sword and stabbed the guard. A large explosion of shadows errupted. When it subsided the guard was gone and haruhi stood there with her hair waving and eyes red. "now I finaly will leave this place."


Haruhi was running and an extremely fast speed. "I've got to get to the forrest in time."

Haruhi noticed a village in the distance. I should stay there tonight, she thought.

She arrived at the village a few minutes later. "Where is everyone?" haruhi asked herself.

The town was dark and each building was trashed and had holes, broken windows and rotting wood.

"what happened here?" she asked herself again as she walked into a house.
The stench of rotting and burning flesh filled the room. There were many decapitated and mutilated bodies that blead freshly.

"yet another weakling." a creature jumped down pushing haruhi back.

He was wearing a black cloak and dark grey armor. He had orange eyes. He was holding a very large sword that sparked with fire.

Haruhi summoned her swords. "what is your name?"

"call me Amatsu Mikaboshi. Or the Augest star of heavens, what can I call you?"

"so your the august star of heavens, I'm Haruhi Samu, master light and darkness"

"ah well then this fight should be interesting." he swung his blade launching a large disk of fire at Haruhi.

Haruhi swung both of her blades launching 2 disks which collided with the fire disk and created a large explosion that hit Haruhi and Amatsu and sent them flying across the room.

"impressive moves you have there" he pointed his sword at haruhi and it glowed red and flames shot out of it.

"FUSION!!" Haruhi yelled. Haruhi collided the flames with a ball of light. Another explosion filled the room.

Haruhi charged forward "it's over."

A small demon jumped forward and smacked haruhi with a large hammer.

"what the, who are you?"

"he is my fellow servant, Motsu." Amatsu said while laughing.

"FUSION PHASE 2!!!" haruhi yelled as she raised her hand and launched waves of darkness at the 2 of them. As the darkness collided with the light that was recently inserted into Amatsu's body a large explosion exploded within Amatsu sending him into the wall.

Motsu jumped forward stabbing Haruhi with a large knife.

A bullet ripped through motsu's head and he fell to the floor and layer there lifelessly.

"who else is with you? Nevermind I'm going to end this now. DANCING FLAME SPIRIT!!!" he raised his sword and swung it down, flammes errupted around haruhi. "FUSION PHASE 3!!"

The flames subsided and reavealed Haruhi burnt. Her swords fused and looked like a shadow version of Amatsu's sword. She swung it down releasing firey shadows ripped through Amatsu and sent him flying through the wall and into the forest behind the house.

Haruhi's vision began to blur. She collapsed into a mans arms. "you did good Haruhi." he carried haruhi into the forest and into a cabin. He set her down on a table.

"you will wake soon my daughter" said another mans voice.

Next chapter: chapter 7: secret army orca corrum
Jul 19, 2009 12:50 PM

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a few spelling mistakes and a few missed words like master light and darkness would be master of light and darkness but other than that good job :)

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Jul 19, 2009 12:53 PM
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Thanks, I was a bit distracted when I was writing it. But it's better than the first I think
Jul 19, 2009 2:59 PM

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There were a few mistakes but other than that it was really good. I can't wait to hear what happens to Haruhi or Koguro!!
Jul 19, 2009 3:05 PM
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Thanks :3
Jul 20, 2009 4:20 PM

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its a very good story :)
i am a very bad speller =_=
Jul 20, 2009 4:38 PM
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Thank you. :3
Sep 2, 2009 8:52 PM
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Alright imfinally adding chapter 7 and here it is, sorry v.v

Chapter 7
Scret army orca corrum

"foolish mortal, you think you can beat me!" shiva said as he laughed evily.

"NO!!" I shouted coughing up blood and struggling to stand up "you won't win, I won't let you!"

Shiva approached me and struck me with his sharp claws that dug into my stomach.

"aaaaggggghhhhh!!!" I screamed as I woke up.

"are you ok?" haruhi said as she jumped to the side of my bed.

"haruhi is that you?" I asked as my vishion became less blurry.

"of course it's me, who else would it be?" haruhi looked very sad but relieved that I was there. Tears were running down her face.

"how did you get here? I thought you were dead" I sat up and noticed ryouta and figo sitting in the corner of the room.

"long story short they healed me and delivered me to a prison were I escaped so I could find you" she reached over and hugged me tightly, I had never felt this kind of feeling before, I had never been hugged, and it... It felt very warm as if all it problems were solved.

"well we seem to have an odd way of meeting don't we?" ryouta's happy face suddenly became serious "koguro I'd like you to see your arm"

I stared at my arm and thought "wait, why is my arm back?" I had a confused look, with a slight touch of anger in my eyes.

"I'm sure you were aware your arm was ripped off, and we replaced it with a special arm only given to the orcas" figo explained.

"what are the orcas?" I asked curiously.

"please follow me" ryouta stood up and headed to what looked like the kitchen he lifted a broken moss covered board up and revealed a handle which he lifted it to reveal a staircase.

I peered down the staircase and saw a faint glow. Ryouta began to head down the stairs and haruhi signalled to me to follow.

I followed them to the bottom were I saw 2 mean and a women sitting at a table.

Haruhi sat down next to the woman. "hey koru come on, sit next to me"

I approached haruhi and sat close to her, I had a look of fear in it eyes.

One of the men asked a question "so your korugo saturo right?"

"um, yah, who are you?" I didn't know what else to say.

"I'm takano kawa, I'm a water type user. This here is daisuke hachiro, he hasn't ever said more than he needed so I don't really know" daisuke glarred at him. His eyes flared red and a dark cloak flower behind him as a he took a drink from his glass. Takano pointed at the women "and this is our own sexy mama" takano winked at her "amaterasu chiasa"

Amaterasu reached over and smacked him. I mean she was pretty but I had already decided that takano was a perverted guy, he looked around 25, she looked about 30. She was wearing a long black dress.

"what's the point of this place anyways?" I asked still looking a bit scared.

"well you know how you have that machine demon monster thing inside you?" I nodded "good, cause everyone here has the same thing, there all different tho. So as I was saying your the 7th member and the last person with those abilities. So were the orca corrums or orcas for short" takano responded.

"it's getting late I think we should get to bed now and rest up for tomorrow" figo announced.

"one more thing, you haven't told me what the point of being here is!" I looked a bit irritated.

I got a look of sadness mixed with danger from everyone.

"we are here to discuss, master and find out the secret behind the creatures within" daisuke replied.

"we can continue this talk in the morning!" figo growled.

Everyone stood up and I watched them head to there seperate rooms. I headed to my room.

"goodnight koguro!" haruhi said lovingly.

I sat down in my bed and thought to myself "is this were I belong? But why was I created?"

I thought for a minute then layer down and fell asleep thinking about what would happen tomorrow

Chapter 7 end

I expect chapter 8 to come out within the next 3 days, gotta keep the club active XD

Chapter 8
The kings assasin

Coming soon to a club near you XDXD (joke)
Sep 3, 2009 4:18 PM

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lol I liked that coming soon to a club near you. good chapter though there were a few spelling mistakes. All in all though your getting better.

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Sep 3, 2009 4:20 PM
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Yayz! Also we need to get this club up and running again. Sadly the next chapter will be somewhat sad v.v
Sep 3, 2009 4:26 PM

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my next chapter is going to be cool... you ever wonder what a boy in a bear cage with 3 angry mother bears ends up looking like? that's all I'll say I don't want to give it away.

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Sep 3, 2009 4:34 PM
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You lost me XD I didn't understand a thing you said
Sep 3, 2009 4:52 PM

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Ooh!!! That good zandrei!! I wonder if Koguro and Haruhi will fall in love XD
Sep 3, 2009 4:55 PM
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Hahaha, idk yet there's quite an age difference like 10 years or something XD
Sep 12, 2009 7:46 PM

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so? they're both demons right? wouldn't that make them immortal or at least they'd probably live longer than humans right? so wouldn't that make a 10 year age difference kinda minuscule?

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May 2009
814
Actually to me only vampires and maybe wearwolves are immortal, but demons are just like humans they just have unarural tallents like in my story so 10 years is about the same. Oh and they live a bit longer like maybe another 10-20 years more than a human
Nov 3, 2009 9:05 AM

Offline
Mar 2009
8706
ONG I read the whole thing ITS DAMN COL AND AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:3
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It’s time to ditch the text file.
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