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Mar 2, 2013 1:57 PM
#1

Offline
Mar 2009
6
I just want to share my first story - http://marimons.blogspot.com/
It's not finished and I welcome any kind of criticism.
Mar 2, 2013 6:02 PM
#2

Offline
Dec 2011
74
Oh damn :D How will he hide his 'curse' now hehe :D

Your style is quite narrative, but styles yeah, we'll see how't will go :))

And, story is cool , when i read beginning, thought like how will he hide that he dissolves, and than read that you included that too hah :D Keep it up :)
Mar 3, 2013 12:22 AM
#3

Offline
Mar 2009
6
Yaayy! Feedback! Finally!

Hmm.. I too wonder how this will pan out. We shall see in the next chapter! Moahahahaha!

(I'm going crazy over here.. It's the feedback.)
Mar 3, 2013 8:27 AM
#4

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Dec 2011
74
AHahha ok, waiting new part than ^^

( :) )
Mar 3, 2013 9:18 AM
#5

Offline
Aug 2012
700
The prologue was meh.
Really liked the first and second chapter though. (I somehow read the second one first which was a bit confusing but I could understand what's going on, so I guess it wasn't too bad).
"Mitsu felt like falling through the ground and staying there till the lesson was over, but the floor wasn’t as cooperative as he would’ve liked."
Had to grin ;)

Looking forward to reading more :)
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Mar 3, 2013 9:22 AM
#6

Offline
Mar 2009
6
Haha, I kinda only liked the prologue :)
but maybe that's because the prologue's like the basis for the whole story.
Mar 3, 2013 9:45 AM
#7

Offline
Aug 2012
700
Well, it was probably because you threw in a lot of words you made up (or at least I've never heard of them) and I don't really like that.
Also, it felt a little bit rushed, you basically explained what they are, and that they are still there. I'm sure you could get a little bit more out of that (Like a special extra chapter or something, describing why they started to adopt those elements or information about why humanity believes it to be just rumours, or as you say "common folklore" (I mean considering that there are probably a lot of those people and that all of this started in ancient times, I'm sure at least somebody must have noticed something)).
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It’s time to ditch the text file.
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