| Hmm… quite an interesting story and you use first-person perspective in this. I have to say I'm a bit impressed. Though the motion effect shouldn't be used there. You can just say that "I went out of my room and went downstairs to the kitchen." The way you use your words can be a bit confusing too. Well anyways, it's got potential. Keep it up. |
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| Nope, not at all. The exaggerated emotions, inconsistent formatting, bad grammar, etc. break your story. |
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| Jesus Christ, finish Elementary School 1st! |
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Sloth_ said: Not everyone is privileged enough to go to elementary school. Please be more considerate you heartless rape ape.Jesus Christ, finish Elementary School 1st! |
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| It's pretty good that took a while to read but it was worth the content. : ) |
| @Emiya Nanaya Thank you so much for the feedback!!! I see, so i shouldn't use *running* or something like that for light novel? @yazio Im sorry! I'll try my best to improve the writing and will make it readable for you! @Sloth_ and Spurt I'm sorry! But I don't undestand this conversation! @Gaim Thank you so much for the feedback!! I actually pretty bad in english, that why i want to find editor so he/she can edit my draft personally :( @Rorschach I really glad you like it!! Your feedback make myself spirited to write more!!! I'll be updating the story time from time, and ill also add illustration to this story so it will be much more enjoyable! Here a sketch for Esst (This is when his age around 15):  Thank you to everyone who read it!! Please wait for the next draft chapter! |
| No prob. Just keep on writing. That's the way to improve your writing. I'm at the middle of improving my story too. |
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nh97 said: Here a chapter 2: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7rL0nASYPNgY2daMG1TTHhNXzQ/view?usp=sharing sorry if there is many grammar mistake and the sketch in there is also.....haha well a lil bit ugly. Anyway i hope you guys keep giving me feedback! Thank you! Ah nice : ) |
| It's a nice read. Better than the 1st one, so to speak… |
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| fantasy worl (you lost your D?), divided in Black and White, I had to stop reading. Feels too much cliché, the kind of stuff seen countless times, over and over again, but just by using these words, you exaggerate to the extent that I won't be able to go through the whole story. |
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ar4can7he said: fantasy worl (you lost your D?), divided in Black and White, I had to stop reading. Feels too much cliché, the kind of stuff seen countless times, over and over again, but just by using these words, you exaggerate to the extent that I won't be able to go through the whole story. You don't say? Well, a lot of anime these days are also got a lot of cliches, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it as if. |
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| I've got to be honest here... The way it's written is really hard to get through. All the light novels I've read don't have sound effects like yours and using brackets instead of quotation marks is irking me to no end. There's no need to explicitly state setting separate from the text itself. For example: --Family Dinner Table--. Put that kind of thing in the narrative. There are a lot of problems with grammar as well. For me to go over every single one is going to take hours. At the moment, it is basically unreadble for me. You really need to work on your basic grammar. Then move on to varying the sentence structure because it's robotic. The dialogue needs work to become realistic. If you want specific and even harsher advice to better yourself, I suggest submitting a portion of your work to reddit.com/r/destructivereaders. |
someprotagonist said: I've got to be honest here... The way it's written is really hard to get through. All the light novels I've read don't have sound effects like yours and using brackets instead of quotation marks is irking me to no end. There's no need to explicitly state setting separate from the text itself. For example: --Family Dinner Table--. Put that kind of thing in the narrative. There are a lot of problems with grammar as well. For me to go over every single one is going to take hours. At the moment, it is basically unreadble for me. You really need to work on your basic grammar. Then move on to varying the sentence structure because it's robotic. The dialogue needs work to become realistic. If you want specific and even harsher advice to better yourself, I suggest submitting a portion of your work to reddit.com/r/destructivereaders. Hey some, that's some comment, but yeah, I also want to point out that, but want to be a biit subtle on it... |
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EmiyaNanaya said: someprotagonist said: I've got to be honest here... The way it's written is really hard to get through. All the light novels I've read don't have sound effects like yours and using brackets instead of quotation marks is irking me to no end. There's no need to explicitly state setting separate from the text itself. For example: --Family Dinner Table--. Put that kind of thing in the narrative. There are a lot of problems with grammar as well. For me to go over every single one is going to take hours. At the moment, it is basically unreadble for me. You really need to work on your basic grammar. Then move on to varying the sentence structure because it's robotic. The dialogue needs work to become realistic. If you want specific and even harsher advice to better yourself, I suggest submitting a portion of your work to reddit.com/r/destructivereaders. Hey some, that's some comment, but yeah, I also want to point out that, but want to be a biit subtle on it... I was like that once. Too afraid to hurt another person by saying their writing was terrible (at the very worst). If we, as critiquers, hold out and are soft to the person asking for advice, then we are doing them a disservice. If you take your car to a shop, you expect a quality fix to your car. Everything broken needs to be fixed. If someone asks to be critisized, you need to do a thorough and honest job, even it means saying 'no, this is absolutely terrible. You'll need to edit and rewrite a number of times before something good comes from it'. |
| I stopped reading on the first sentence. Not to burst your bubble, but this is fanfiction leveled writing. I won't say too much, but overall you need to write in a professional matter. It doesn't matter light novel or heavy novel or whatever. |
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nh97 said: @EmiyaNanaya Thank you so much! Ill write and write and write to improve more! @gransibalac O_O i didn't know there is a loli est? But Esst has no involvement with her! xD @ar4can7he Thank you so much for the feedback! Also for the "D"! I didn't realize that ._." I see.....i didn't thought that the plot is cliche, but you're right though, there is a lot anime/manga/LN that already has OP MC but ill try my best to make the plot much more unique as the story goes on! and make it enjoyable for you! @someprotagonist No problem! I accept all harsh or whatever comment! So just gimme all the blunt comment! That what i want after all. (im not a M okay?) Then i should erase the sound effect, mmh okay i got it, ill try to improve the writing for the next chapter! And yeah my grammar really bad, but i'll also will improving my grammar too :D And thanks for the link! I'll try to submit my work there after i got into 5-6 chapter! @Nanet Mmh! Thank you so much for the feedback! Yeah you're right, i still has no experience in creating a writing arts, also this is my first, but i'll work hard to make my novel readable for you! Everyone! Thank you so much for the feedback! :D Stay positive! Everyone starts somewhere. Usually, the only way to go is up. The link I gave you usually wants 1500 words of first chapters. I'd advise you to pick the first chapter so they have the context of your story. |
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