"Zopiens" - My second one-shot - feedback please! (^o^ )/

Which one-shot you liked the most?

Sep 6, 2014 9:05 PM

Offline

Jun 2014

Title: Zopiens
Genre: Shonen/Drama (?)
Total length: 29 pages
Reading direction: from LEFT to RIGHT (--->)

Link to read: http://pt.scribd.com/doc/238908369/Zopiens-English-Left-to-right-pdf?secret_password=mrfx6be54uPWU2CURrjF

Cover page:

Synopsis: Zopien is a half-animal half-human creature, which was enslaved by humans. Colin and your friends are zopiens that go out to search for a precious jewel, which may allow them to free your people from suffering. But, in the way to the jewel's cave, they suffer an accident that puts your friendship to the test.

________________

I would be very glad if you read and feedback me, to help with my storytelling techniques improvement.

I appreciate any kind of comments, like if you didn't read it to the end or fall asleep, what you like in it and what you don't... it's free as long as sincere :) hahah

I do already have a sketch of my next one-shot, but before i give it life, i need to know what's wrong and right with my current style... and surrounding me now... there isn't many people to chat with.

Sorry for any English mistakes x_x'' [size=130]<<English isn't my first language>>[/size]
Oh, i apologize if the watermarks annoyed you.... i tried to make it really clean anyway.
______________
Please read and feedback my first one-shot too!! (Obversy)
http://myanimelist.net/forum/?topicid=1218623&show=20
_____________

And let me know which one you liked the most!! It is important to me :D

Sep 7, 2014 10:06 AM

Kazataro

Offline

May 2014

605

Good as a one-shot but it was really cliche the protagonist was just a cardboard cutout tbh apart from that it was fairly enjoyable.. colin is a asshole

Sep 9, 2014 8:47 PM

J-Aruki

Offline

Jun 2014

Kazataro said:
Good as a one-shot but it was really cliche the protagonist was just a cardboard cutout tbh apart from that it was fairly enjoyable.. colin is a asshole

hahahaha you're not the first to tell me Colin is an asshole...
"fairly enjoyable"< *-* yay!
Yeah~ I gotta start working more on the main character.
Thank you a lot for the feedback and for voting! xD

Sep 9, 2014 9:02 PM

Kazataro

Offline

May 2014

605

J-Aruki said:

Kazataro said:
Good as a one-shot but it was really cliche the protagonist was just a cardboard cutout tbh apart from that it was fairly enjoyable.. colin is a asshole

No problem

Oct 4, 2014 11:07 AM

Cheatreal

Offline

Feb 2013

222

All right, here I am again.

As promised I have read your second work too and I'm going to review it :P

Regarding the story...this time I have to divide it in 2 parts.

First part: 8

It's really interesting how the story starts, the main characters want to revenge and to do that they have to find something...
An awesome adventure I thought!
But unfortunately it wasn't like that...
I really liked how they fell in that ditch and the thought of how they are supposed to escape just made me want to continue read.
I mean, they were already in a bad situation by trying to evacuate their own people and the situation worsened even more by falling there!
And then...this is when the story becomes terrible...

Second part: 4

The second part is rushed and many senseless event occur ruining the whole manga.
I won't talk about it 'cause I actually didn't like the whole second part.
In other words the development in the second part was either cliché or forced.

Art: 7

I have anything bad to say about the art. :)
It was good enough but you can still improve it!
(btw: great! there is a girl!)

Characters: 4

Parky is bad in every sense 'cause he acts in many ways that really gave me the constant thought of --> "WTF?"

Aria has really no personality, she has no development at all, she just says useless stuff

I thought Colin would be a cool character but I was completely wrong, he's so naive.

Enjoyment: 5

I didn't enjoy reading it at all ;/

Overall: 5

If I have to compare it with your other manga I would say that the last one was better as a whole.
'Cause in this one you really destroyed it halfway and the characters were terrible.
This is just my own point of view, I'm not a professional reviewer or something like that.
In your next one try to focus even more on the story, in both the manga you had a great plot, you just need to develop it properly!
Maybe I'm being to harsh but if your final goal is to become a comic author/mangaka, this is the only way of improvement, listening to every critic and keep getting better!
Good luck for the next one :P

----

Ah, is there a way to follow your works? :)
I'm actually extremely busy in both rl and pc related stuff that I will probably forget to check or something like that <_<

CheatrealOct 4, 2014 11:25 AM

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"Zopiens" - My second one-shot - feedback please! (^o^ )/

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