I've written up to chapter 2, and if you can overlook my grammatical errors you will enjoy my novel/light novel since i have no idea which defines which.
Chapter 1
Pain...burning
Exhaustion...creeping
The weight keeps crushing, every single fibre of muscle is ripping under the extreme pressure, why is it continuing? Is the cursed man in red afraid of death, afraid to bid farewell forever to the pain of this unfair punishment. The eyes waver, the hero still keeps on going, his mind wears out; yet still he is not concerned about himself, changing his own destiny is what he aims for, only his resolve is standing now, every other sense has been broken, the arms covered in scars from battles long gone, the feet that have trekked this path of destruction, the eyes that have seen people, find and at the same time lose faith, the mind that has matured over the years is the only thing that remains of the once heroic body and soon enough even that shall vanish ''Naive aren't i?'' the hero burdened with an unbearable weight asked no one in particular. ''In the end, i still can't blame it''. The hero in red for the first time accepted his own fate; however acceptance does not mean the loss of hope; for it is the one thing that he will never run out of. The hero covered in rose red, carrying the weight of the world; It's name, Atlas.
The hero spent his final moments reminiscing about days long gone by. He did not think of them regretfully, for he forgot how to feel regret a long time ago. His reminiscing takes him back right when it all began.
Atlas was born into a poor family, there were five children and only two adults to take care of them, the taxes of the king were too high and every resident of the house had to work on the farm. Atlas was born in the night of the largest storm in centuries. The storm ravaged the farms overflowing the crops with water and destroying the land with the wind; of course this led to more debt, the parents managed to hide it well, but the children noticed something was off and started to take up extra jobs. As soon as Atlas was old enough to work he set to help his family as best as he could he had pale skin and thin glass like arms pure white long hair, the only thing that had color were his sunflower yellow eyes, the world had not given him a suitable body for work and this would eventually lead to even more debt, he was unable to even bring water to his household not to mention taking up a job. He was weak and he knew it, his family loved him but that love was unbearable. So when night fell, with his selfish wish in mind he left his home. Just before he left, he stared back at the wooden house that had managed to stay bright and warm all this time ''Or maybe i want it to be bright'' he crooked a smile at himself, illuminated by the beautiful yet sad moonlight the house surrounded by apple trees tethered itself to his very being; for he knew he will never see it or his family again.
But even he knew he would not last long, so he ventured deep into the forest in search of a lonely and peaceful death. He had only seen the outer parts of the forest because he never dared to step past the one ominous stump that he used as an indicator when to turn back, this time; however he was looking for it. The trees stood tall blocking the moon, darkness enveloped him yet no sense of fear was invoked. A passing wind, a lonely howl, silence.
The night was still like it was ''Holding it's breath?'' a voice that seemed to be coming from everywhere. ''Do you wish to survive, boy?'' A question so obscure, so unreasonable, but believable. Atlas did not care for the repercussions, he wanted to fight fate, unfortunate destinies, doomed lives he wanted to save them all. ''Who are you?'' Atlas did not care but he felt the need to ask. ''Ho-oh, correction i am not a ''you'' i am a ''we'' though understanding that might be too complex for you now ,the entity declared confidently, never mind that, you have to answer my question, you can die here a miserable death in self pity or seek retribution for the weak, so which one do you choose'' suddenly as if following a order the surroundings compressed and formed a circle, the old pine forest now looked like a jungle from fairy tales about far lands and vast forests where only nature reigned, colorful birds flying, singing beautiful songs.
''No-he managed to force strength into his words-i wish to fight'' silence again the boy was fearing hallucinations had overtaken his senses
''I apologize boy, your answer was fascinating'' the voice of the forest paused and the surroundings changed again, this time they seemed festive, like they were celebrating an inauguration ''Fine then, i give you the the strength and curse of the worlds weight, let me see you struggle against your unchangeable fate, entertain me boy!''
He blacked out, when he awoke he was in the middle of town.
Like in a fleeting dream he saw his brother, Tora. Atlas rushed to speak with him ''Who are you mister?'' upon the tall mans arrival the the older brother asked inquisitively. Atlas saw himself from his dear older brothers view, his pale skin had turned rugged like wood bark, Atlas's long white hair was no more, instead replaced by a dirt like brown patch of grass like hair, he was at least two times larger than his older brother who was supposed to be 9 years older than him. But the yellow eyes remained, they were dark but not empty, not scary but uncomfortable to look at and his voice was deep and powerful. ''Never mind, i'm sorry'' As the boy left Atlas's line of sight he swore to help the unfortunate with his acquired strength. However at the cost of this strength he was forced to lead a life of loneliness.
He envisioned his family forgetting all about him and like magic he uttered unknown words ''acta est fabula'' he then felt an incredible sadness, chains were constricting his soul ''By removing yourself from their memories you have taken up your family's unlived lives, you now bear the burden of 7 lives, sadness that would have have been, misfortune that might have happened, nothing convenient like ''they disappeared into nothingness'', I'm afraid, and this will happen every time you use your strength''. The voice explained within him, but the now mature Atlas had already grown cynical ''That's fine and all, but could you please try not talk from inside me, the literal heart-ache is bad enough'' Despite what Atlas said to anyone he was grateful to the spirit, ''It's Prometheus, forests are not my thing but a friend said i should hide there precisely because it's not my thing'' Atlas did not inquire; for Prometheus was a being outside of reason ''Atlas -the spirit seemed confused- What? Is it not natural to give your own name when given an-others?'' the spirit laughed so loudly it felt like the ground was shaking ''Oh, how cruel fate is, Atlas it is then, i'm truly looking forward to seeing you challenge fate!''
-Atlas did not know what it meant however he knew his old life was over.
A song of an unknown poet:
The once cowardly boy, entered the forest
There the end of fate awaited him,
Prepared to say his final goodbyes, he was deprived of the right,
Instead he was left to suffer a much more despicable end.
Fate really is a cruelty known only to the weak.
Chapter 2
''Do you have a plan?'' the spirit questioned Atlas.
''A plan not exactly, an idea that might work yes'' Atlas replied with extreme confidence.
''So? What is it?'' the spirit asked eagerly.
''A secret, and why do you have to ask if you can easily find out'' Atlas countered Prometheus.
''Unlike you i would like to not waste my power on trivial things like that'' Prometheus replied, completely flustered.
Prometheus and Atlas walked into the center of town, from there Atlas started to pay close attention to the buildings lined up around the main road. Saying things like ''This won't do'' and "Not quite'' at irregular intervals. The spirit remained suspicious of his activities, although an idea had started to form in the back of Prometheus's mind; however with one ''No way'' she completely dismissed it from her mind.
''This will do nicely!'' suddenly Atlas seemed filled with joy, his eyes were beaming.
''What will, this old shell of a building?'' Prometheus inquired.
''Old shell or not this will be our new base of operations'' and again Atlas declared his sentence with such confidence. ''The old look will serve as a disguise, and surely you can make it so only those who want to have their fate changed can find it''
''Yes, but that would require tethering yourself to this place and binding your soul...'' the spirit stopped and started to ponder, after a long silence Prometheus resumed ''Theoretically you could leave the place for a maximum of a week after that you and this place would cease to exist, will you still do it?''
''Yes!'' Atlas spoke his mind immediately .
''Yeah that's what i tho-'' Prometheus was not disappointed, nor was it sad ''Very well, i didn't want to materialize unless it was absolutely necessary, i hope this is worth it...''
Suddenly time went still, the market in the distance ceased all motion, the dog was trapped in the middle of a jump, only the old lady gazing out the window seemed content. everything would have been relatively fine, if tere wasn't a strange woman standing in front of him. Green sharp fir needle like eyes were looking at him. Through a face covered by auburn hair She seemed to have a monkey like build, strong arms and a flexible overall body. Nails longer than humanly possible, and she was slightly shorter than himself which was actually very tall. Not to mention all she had covering herself was fur, a bears, a tigers, a wolfs it was a zoo of furs.
''Yo! Save the questions i exist outside of reason, thus i am not bound by my worldly appearance'' She tried to explain, despite seeing the very puzzled face of Atlas.
''But still, i pictured you differently'' he tried to was desperately fighting against his laughter ''at least in the clothes of a scholar not furs, you look like a beast'' Atlas instantly put his hand to his mouth after the last sentence.
''Very amusing, i think i changed my mind, you're on your own kid'' Atlas had obviously angered the woman.
''So it really is you, i'm sorry, i'm sorry'' Atlas apologized with a straight face. ''But you know it's true'' he muttered under his breath.
Prometheus pretended not to notice ''What i'm about to do is dangerous, yada yada yada you might die if you're resolve isn't strong enough, blah blah blah, will you still do it'' she squeezed just enough unentusiasm in that one sentence to make Atlas cringe ''I'm not a doll, even i feel anxious that being said, you know my answer'' he said slightly trembling ''Any tips?''
''Nothing that would help because the possibilities might as well be endless, expect some sort of manifest, and by manifest i mean a spirits physical form but it can work the other way around.'' she continued ''you will be making a blood contract with the house, by endless possibilities i mean the houses manifest that could be a spider that has lived in it for as long as the house has been in existence ort the architect who designed it, basically the manifest is determined by it's origin it's path and it's soul, origin and of course path being the most important'' she explained carefully ''well that's about it'' she had ended her warning
''Why are you so worried, i mean you lose nothing if i die'' Atlas asked cynically
''With that attitude you might as well be a doll'' she smiled ''I'm not that cold heart-ed, although that being said even without the slight emotional hit i might take, i do use a large quantity of energy making this a very bad investment if you fail''
''I see, so it really isn't beneficial to you, is it?'' Atlas nodded in satisfactory manner.
''Don't worry about it, it will take more than that to take this old girl down, anyways are you ready?''
''As ready is i ever will be'' he told her as much as he told himself. Prometheus started to chant in a language incomprehensible by human ears. All Atlas heard was random sounds, which of course didn't make sense since language is based on repetition.
As Prometheus ended her chant she called out to Atlas ''Hey kid!''
''Yes?'' the once again puzzled Atlas looked at the green eyes.
''Don't die'' she ordered the yet to be hero.
Atlas flashed out of existence along with the house, Prometheus's face convulsed '' Guh, If i don't kick the bucket first'' she flashed a crooked smile before disappearing.
Feedback is appreciated, any at all; you think it's mediocre, post it! Think it's crap, post it! Think it's great, post it!
i will certainly need to see where the story goes from here to make an assessment. What i will say is that your writing leaves a lot of assumptions to be drawn by the reader. What i mean is, things are happening that I have no idea about. Like with the house being bound to him or whatever, I felt like I was expected to understand what was going on, when i didn't. It took a lot of thought, reading the whole thing, and re reading to understand it sort of. My point is, things happen without explanation or at least not enough of it. Now if this is intentional, that is were my needing to see more of the story comes in.
EDIT: I also think i find the premiss of the story intriguing. If i misunderstand it is one thing, but it seems to me he can take on the burdens of other people, living a more miserable life himself, so others may live in happiness.
whatamafu said: i will certainly need to see where the story goes from here to make an assessment. What i will say is that your writing leaves a lot of assumptions to be drawn by the reader. What i mean is, things are happening that I have no idea about. Like with the house being bound to him or whatever, I felt like I was expected to understand what was going on, when i didn't. It took a lot of thought, reading the whole thing, and re reading to understand it sort of. My point is, things happen without explanation or at least not enough of it. Now if this is intentional, that is were my needing to see more of the story comes in.
EDIT: I also think i find the premiss of the story intriguing. If i misunderstand it is one thing, but it seems to me he can take on the burdens of other people, living a more miserable life himself, so others may live in happiness.
I'm planning to make the next chapter go into detail about mostly everything. I am currently trying to compress all the ideas. Yeah that is the power i'm going for and i am trying hard not to make Atlas not too broken because of it.
Thanks a lot for the feedback, i really appreciate it!
