beast_regards said: Text colour confusion. Both you and Andariel lines are written in same colour :-) Also unnecessary splitting up with one character. Keeping her around is good option as any, I checked but its different color (mine is green, Andariel's is navy blue) Thats true, but with the background I found out to her, that exagerration was kind of necessary. Though I dont know what will happen, so it can be anything... |
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| Alright, what a beautiful way to end my stories marathon today. o_o Look, there may have been a few mistakes here and there, maybe a bit of exaggeration indeed... but Hell, I don't really care in this case. I read a lot of stuff today. But I can say that this chapter was definitelly the one that struck me the most this time. You may not have the most... elaborated or complicated descriptions like others have, but holy shit. Even if the scene you described could have been a bit clichéd, or that Maybe you could have... you know... Shad said: „I love you Andariel and I will never let anyone to hurt you again!” ...maybe ditched the "I love you" part, and the scene would have been way better in my opinion XD But still, the emotions and the character you just build around the devil... it was pretty amazing. I'm honest here, I loved this one. Just to say one thing in particular, I really liked your short one liners that were popping out from time to time between the monologue, where you showed how her words were moving you. I'm saying this because I lost count of how many times I've seen monologues going on forever, while the one listening to them just... disappeared completely, or acted like lifeless puppets. Little dettails like that can change a lot. This is why I always say to keep things simple, good job. |
 "You keep changing the shape of your eyes. How does that even work?" -AbhLeaderKrelian |
| Chapter 15: Left alone „You said because you felt you have to say it...” „No...” „I know. „Harsh words...” „Do you want me to keep here that much?” „Yes, and seeing your teary eyes, you want to stay...” „I...” We heard noises from behind me, I looked back and saw for a moment as Seira ran away. „You have to go after her, I think she heard it.” I hesitated for a second, if I go after her, Andariel will leave, if I stay to convince her, something would happen with Seira. Laila appeared too, probably she heard the noise too, that solved it. „Laila keep her here, Im going after Seira.” I didnt waited for the answer, I sprinted to the direction I saw Seira. I looked long for her in the forest, it was dark, it was not easy to find someone. After a while I was about to give up, eventhough I know it would be terrible if she would be lost somehwere something would happen. From out of nowhere I noticed a faint voice *sob sob*. It has to be her, she has to be close! I followed the noise, and I found her in a minute, she sat and cried at a little lake in the middle of the forest. „Seira, finally I found you.” *sob* „Why did you come after me?” „You ran away without a word, of course I was worried and came after you.” „You said you love Andariel.” „So thats why you ran away (though I knew it). Look Seira, I came to my senses after what I said. I dont really love her, I said it because I want to keep her here, because she wanted to leave and I worried about her.” „You dont worry about me...” Eventhough I know why she ran away, its strange, I feel something else beside it, something uneasiness. „I was worried about you, while you were kept as prisoner. I was a fool, I took granted you will stay with us after we got you back.” „With us...” „Seira, you are precious to me, if you want we can stay here for the night, if you want to stay with me alone.” I knew it was not much to give to her, but I knew she deserves it. I saw a faint light in her sad eyes. „Can you sit down next to me?” „Of course” I sat as close as I could, our shoulders barely touched each other. She didnt pulled herself away. „I dont know where to start. Im sorry for getting you into trouble, Im sorry for saving you that late, Im sorry for not spending enough time with you after it...” „You didnt do anything wrong, I caused trouble again, I know you will leave me, thats why I wanted to leave, before it happens.” „Dont say it, I dont want to leave you, and I dont want you to leave me. And why „again”?” „From where I came I always caused troubles to everyone, I broke many things, because I was too curious and wanted to see everything. The others always scolded me, called me „Good for nothing”.” „Your parents, Im sure they always defended you.” „Just my mother, humans cant live under water.” „I see.” „My mother was always there when I caused a trouble, she always set things right, she said Im a kid yet, and its not a problem to be curious and move around that much. After a while, she was more and more at home, I was happy because I was able to spend more time with her, she always smiled at me, but those smile started to change, her smiles started to look troubled.” From that point her voice became quiet. „I knew it was because all of the troubles I caused, I felt like burden for her. Once, when she was at home, she didnt smile at me, I knew it was because of me. When she went to sleep, I left a notice „I dont want to burden you anymore”, and then, I left.” „I came out of the water for the first time.” She made the hardest decision, leaving her mother. „Did it happen on the day we met?” „No, it was about a week before it. I was not able to go far from the water, something pulled me back, I knew I cant go back. The next day I started to wander around, I saw a human family, the mother, the father and their kid, they played, they smiled each other. I felt something, if I could find my father and let my mother meet him again, she would smile again, I wanted to see her smile again.” She still cares about to see her smile again. „Seira, I want to help you find your father.” „You cant...” „Why?” She stopped talking, she just sat there for minutes, before she forced herself to talk, quietly, it was more like a whisper, a whisper that she wanted to share only with me. „Couple of days after I saw that family, I remembered the name of the hometown of my father, and his name. I went there and asked the people where can I find him. No one knew, they said they moved here just a while ago. In the end I found someone who recognized his name, he asked „Do you really want to see him?” I said „Yes”, I followed him, he stopped at a point. I looked up and I saw the Signboard „Cemetery”, I didnt wanted to accept it, that cant be true. He pointed to a Gravestone near to the entrance, I saw his name on it. I collapsed, cried, long time passed while I lied in front of his grave...” She started to cry even more. „Seira, you dont have to talk more, Im sorry for making you remember it. Cry as much as you want, I will lend my shoulder.” She hugged me, she cried and cried, she cried her soul out. I think she needed someone who will listen to her. I understood why was she afraid of about me leaving her. The crying started to be more and more quiet, and then it stopped, I felt only her breathes and her chest movements as she breathed in her sleep. I picked her up as a princess, I breathed a soft kiss on her forehead, I whispered „I will not leave you alone”, I knew she will not remember it, after it, I carried her back where the others were. I will stay with her for the night, I want to make her feel when she wakes up, there is someone who dont want to leave her, and saying: „You already found your treasures.” |
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| Interesting. BTW I always imagined Sahuagins are not actually living underwater, but on the coast. I imagined they would have something like huts on columns on seashore or cave dwellings, they are closer to water lizards rather than fishes. (before someone gets jumpy, this isn't criticism) Nothing wrong about the story, it's just how I imagined them. |
| Signature removed. It was too good for this cruel world. |
beast_regards said: Interesting. BTW I always imagined Sahuagins are not actually living underwater, but on the coast. I imagined they would have something like huts on columns on seashore or cave dwellings, they are closer to water lizards rather than fishes. (before someone gets jumpy, this isn't criticism) Nothing wrong about the story, it's just how I imagined them. I didnt take it as criticism, and anyway if you remember chapter 3, when I talked with Seira about Sahuagins, I mentioned her look has a bit of sea dragon feeling. |
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| Chapter 16: The morning arrived in the woods The morning came fast, I guess it was pretty late when I got back with Seira, evereyone else were asleep, good thing, Andariel is also here. I woke up with the feeling of being in a cramped space, Seira is clinging to me, not that I mind, but if she stays like this, she will feel my morning wood... „Good... Morning...” She woke up finally. „Good Morning Seira. Please could you let me off?” „Its comfortable.” „Or at least loosen your grip?” „No.” „Seira?” She just looked into my eyes, she has beautiful eyes, but no, I must not lose here. „If you dont do it, I will poke you.” „I dont mind.” Seriously what happened, its like a switch turned on in her, acting that clingy. And she suddenly started to rub against me... „She showed her true self.” … … … „Andariel, since when you started to watch us?” „Since you woke up, its fun to watch how you want to hide it.” I should not be surprised about she knew whats going on with me. … „Andariel?” „Yes?” „Could you help me?” „Sure” She puts her hands under my shirt. „Just what are you doing?” „Helping to take care of your morning wood.” „I meant could you pull Seira a bit away?” „You cant deny it, you want it.” *stares* … … „Good Morning, Fianna” „I want to join...” „Better not...” „It looks fun” „You dont even know whats happening now.” Andariel whispered into my ears: „Familiars are an „artfical race”, they are for having sex with their master or bring partners.” … … „Maybe you know it, but still no.” As she tries to join, a sudden voice interrupt it. „We should get going.” Its Laila, my lifesaver, if this would continue, something irreversibile would happened. Seira was the first who got away from me, with an „I wanted more” face... Why do I think it was not just because „dont leave me”. Fianna is like a good child, immediately started to get ready. … … … „Andariel” „Yes” with a chirping voice... „Please get off me, you too.” „We can walk like that.” A true devil... „Please, I need to do something, alone...” „Let me help.” „You know what Im planning, right?” „Am I no good? Maybe you want Fianna, she was „made” for that.” „You know it happened because all of you rubbed against me...” „So you were close. Can I?” „Its not like I would not like it but...” Just what the actual fuck am I saying, and why acting tsundere... „Dont worry, I will keep it secret, and it will not mean you have to settle down with me.” *stares* „You 2, please do it, we want to go...” „Its not fun if they know it.” Without saying anything (I will not tell her, I was close to agree to accept her „help”) I start walking, its hard, my leg is still not fully healed, and Andariel is still hanging on me. „You were serious about walking like this.” She whispered her answer: „Yes, after the night, you made it too hard for me to leave, so I decided to be with you as much as I can.” I answer her quietly, I dont really want the others know about it. „Im happy you stayed with us.” „No, I stayed with you, eventhough Seira helped me in the past, now Im here because of you.” „Dont say things like that, you will make me embarassed.” „Hehe, I would like to see it, but I can wait.” „It will be for the better.” „You will talk with Laila today, right?” The mood suddenly turned into serious. „You know, I promised to her.” „I know its selfish to ask, but could you spend a bit more time with me after we arrive there?” „You are acting strange, whats with you?” Something is off, really off... „I want to believe to you...” „What do you mean?” „I know you didnt really mean what you said last night, but it still feels good, I want to believe it.” „Andariel, its so sudden now.” „I know, but if you spend time alone with Laila, you will love her, she does not show it, but she is really caring about you.” „I know, because of the...” „Its not true...” I ignore the fact that she basicly said Laila maybe has feelings about me. „Andariel, do you want me to love you?” „I-I dont know.” I stay silent, for the better. And anyway I noticed Laila expression, she is sulking, if I dont do something, our alone time will be not much enjoyable... |
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| You should really pick the girl before this gets far too Sydo-ish :-P |
| Signature removed. It was too good for this cruel world. |
beast_regards said: You should really pick the girl before this gets far too Sydo-ish :-P I dont see any problem with it. :D |
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Shad said: Do you really want to see him?” I said „Yes”, I followed him, he stopped at a point. I looked up and I saw the Signboard „Cemetery” My reaction here was more or less a confused bunch of italian blasphemies. XD Poor girl T_T The part where you explain how you said "I love you" just for letting her stay with you... I see what you did there! ù_ù Still, you're disgusting man! After 10 minutes you were trying to hug the other one! You animal! XD (jk) The second chapter was really funny though. You can see the experience of a hardcore harem lover there. I honestly have no idea how you'll be able to survive something like this... dealing with so many girls at the time... God. Good luck man XD (I'm not really sure about which girl I should cheer for yet. à_à) |
"You keep changing the shape of your eyes. How does that even work?" -AbhLeaderKrelian |
| Chapter 17: The „silent” walk „Andariel, when can we reach that town?” „Hmm, couple of hours probably from now.” „Look, as I see something is off with Laila, could we hold a little break, I need to talk with her, and not while we walk.” … „Andariel, is it that hard to decide?” „Its more like...” „Are you still afraid of losing me if I talk with her privately?” „You dont know her yet, you will...” „Nothing will happen with just one talk.” Sudden silence... Uncomfortable silence. She talks a lot, it feels a bit uncomfortable when she is silent... „Tibor...” „Hmm?” „After the break, will you... carry me again?” „Well, why not.” I didnt want to tell her I can hardly walk like that and my injury started to hurt. I let out a big breath and ask: „Could we rest here?” As it looked like, everyone else wanted to rest, because all of them collapsed on the ground almost immediately, except Laila. I was not surprised about Seira, she/we stayed up late, Fianna was in a lair for long, I guess she is not used to long walks. I step to Laila, after putting Andariel down. „Laila, is everything alright?” „Yes...” I ask her a bit stronger: „Is everything alright?” „Yes...” „Dont be stubborn, I saw your face earlier.” „Why did you carried Andariel all along?” „She was...” „She was not tired.” „Do you know she wanted to go away last night?” „I know.” „Then you should understand she was a bit more clingy after I convinced her to stay.” „I wanted to carry you.” … … … „Khm, Laila, if you would do that, that would not be good.” „But your leg is injured.” „But it would be embarassing for me.” „But I wanted...” She really caught up on carrying me. „Because Im your king? You know you should not do that, even if you would have to.” „Its not because of it...” That short sentence striked me „Its not because of it”, is she...” „Laila?” „I dont understand what happening to me, I dont know what is with me...” „The break is over, get going!” Andariel timing could not be any worse than that. *sigh* „Okay...” Without giving any chance to skip the carrying, she already hopped on my back. Its uncomfortable again, she is not talking again. The rest of the walk was in complete silence, Seira and Fianna are just not in the mood simply, but Andariel silence is surprising, not surprised about Laila, the talk was broken at the worst moment. My mind is filled with Laila during that time. What happened with her, she didnt acted like that, and she said its not because of her mission, did she developed feelings... But why so suddenly, she must heard what we talked with Andariel during the night, and she saw me leaving to get back Seira, those events triggered it... Aaaaaa, no matter how much do I think, I have to talk with her to know it. This forest has a strange feeling, there is no animals, I always thought a forest should be full of life, filled with the voices of animals, the songs of the birds, but here is nothing, all we hear is our steps. After that time, the town must be close, I expect a small, hidden village, and it gives me goosebumps when I think about it might be a ghost town, no life in the forest, and no life in the town too. I hope its not some horror clichéd town, in that case, I would rather stay outside all the time. In about half hour, we are out of the forest (I thought it will be in the forest), there is a little road, not too wide, its good maybe for 3 people to walk side by side, its made from little rocks throwed together, and everything else around is so green, I never thought green could be blinding. As Im looking around, Andariel points forward: „There is the town Sharram.” After an hour, a silent hour, we reach it's entrance, it has big walls, its must be an important city if its defended that heavily. I dont see the end of the walls, but in about every 50meters is a tower, and I notice holes on them, those are not damages from wars, more like holes for the archers. I put down Andariel before we step in through the big gate, this town is crowded, its a big city with full of people everywhere, it must be a rich town, all of the shops, even the house of the blacksmith looks clean, and their signboards are huge and all of them has at least an expensive looking jewel in it. I turn to Andariel: „We are here, where is our inn?” „Follow me”[/i] We followed her, she lead us to the „White Lisianthus”. It looks nice but sticks out of the place, it looks too simple compared to the other buildings here, but I will not complain, after long days, even if I will have a long talk, I will sleep in a comfortable bed, and I will sleep long. |
Shadowt5Mar 5, 2015 4:29 AM
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| You really need to employ some kind of harem manager :) |
| Signature removed. It was too good for this cruel world. |
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