| I am currently writing an original story and kinda hope it gets made into an anime. Can i have your guyses opinion on it? I havent even made a satisfactory chapter 1 but here is what i have: UPDATED 3/21 Genre: Action, shounen, military, supernatural. This post will be edited as i get more ideas. |
OutlawedDrifterMay 9, 2016 11:05 PM
 The peasant is bound by the king. The king is bound by the peasants and their kingdom. But the Viking is bound to nothing but themselves. |
| You need to elaborate more on why this things exist and where they're going. Also you need to make this post easier to read, as it is currently just a big ass paragraph filled with grammatical errors lol (granted I know you weren't exactly trying to type a grammatically correct post) Also, you've said things like "There are two types of powers in the universe. The Master soul, which gets its power from the user's own individual willpower and might." What is the other power? It seems like as of right now you just thought of some cool stuff to put into a story that seems to make sense but it's just all bunched together. Also +20 points for Aqua, Terra and Ventus. I award these points because I love Kingdom Hearts and for no other reason lol |
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| Interesting, certainly interesting for start, but... has quite a few problems, plotholes and stuff. Ok, here are what I noticed. I say before, I mean it as constructive critics, so not get angry or sad on it. (and sorry, it ended up long.) |
| Thank you for your feedback! I will try my best to answer your questions. @Gabagool The other power you mention is called the divine soul(which i mentioned in the OP) which is powers that are powered by fear and worshipping other things. It is also powered by others fearing and/or worshipping the user. It is essentially the opposite of the master soul. Can you elaborate more on what specifically your confused on please? @Sora_92 this is going to be long so ill answer your questions in a spoiler Got to go my battery is dieing and ill answer the rest of your questions later, but you have made me think of more ideas. Thank you for your support! |
OutlawedDrifterMar 20, 2016 2:16 AM
| The peasant is bound by the king. The king is bound by the peasants and their kingdom. But the Viking is bound to nothing but themselves. |
| The excuse "plez ignre teh grammar lolz" isn't acceptable anymore. If its almost unreadable, that's exactly what it is. If you aren't going to put the effort into correcting your mistakes to at least some standard, why should anyone pay attention to it? So if you are serious about writing a story, put some actual effort into making it at least presentable. I suggest you take some time to have a serious thought about the plot, make a rough summary of it. Usually this involves writing a start and a finish, then deciding on the middle as you come to it. Everything is subject to change but this certainly helps with creation. Next time you make a post lay it out with Tag lines so people can get to the information they are interested in quickly. Setting: Future/space/Earth/Date etc Genre: Plot Summary: Characters: Additional Information: Something like that will make it easier for people to digest and maybe even bother helping. Otherwise they'll do exactly what I did, read the first few lines, turn their brain off and rant on about something else. Or you know, something worse.... like not comment at all. Now I don't know how seriously you want to take this, so you can ignore most of this if its just something you had on the fly and probably drop in a week, like usually how I work. But if you want to take this seriously its important to remember the greatest stories took years to make, most started from a single idea and more often than not had nothing to do with their original form. |
| There’s no such thing as miracles, only the inevitable, the accidental and the things we do. |
El_Psy said: The excuse "plez ignre teh grammar lolz" isn't acceptable anymore. If its almost unreadable, that's exactly what it is. If you aren't going to put the effort into correcting your mistakes to at least some standard, why should anyone pay attention to it? So if you are serious about writing a story, put some actual effort into making it at least presentable. I suggest you take some time to have a serious thought about the plot, make a rough summary of it. Usually this involves writing a start and a finish, then deciding on the middle as you come to it. Everything is subject to change but this certainly helps with creation. Next time you make a post lay it out with Tag lines so people can get to the information they are interested in quickly. Setting: Future/space/Earth/Date etc Genre: Plot Summary: Characters: Additional Information: Something like that will make it easier for people to digest and maybe even bother helping. Otherwise they'll do exactly what I did, read the first few lines, turn their brain off and rant on about something else. Or you know, something worse.... like not comment at all. Now I don't know how seriously you want to take this, so you can ignore most of this if its just something you had on the fly and probably drop in a week, like usually how I work. But if you want to take this seriously its important to remember the greatest stories took years to make, most started from a single idea and more often than not had nothing to do with their original form. Thank you for your thoughts, i fixed the grammer and reorganized the OP. from now on i shall use the OP to put all of the pieces of the story. You were right about the grammer thing, thanks for telling me. |
OutlawedDrifterMar 20, 2016 1:17 AM
| The peasant is bound by the king. The king is bound by the peasants and their kingdom. But the Viking is bound to nothing but themselves. |
El_Psy said: The excuse "plez ignre teh grammar lolz" isn't acceptable anymore. If its almost unreadable, that's exactly what it is. If you aren't going to put the effort into correcting your mistakes to at least some standard, why should anyone pay attention to it? So if you are serious about writing a story, put some actual effort into making it at least presentable. I suggest you take some time to have a serious thought about the plot, make a rough summary of it. Usually this involves writing a start and a finish, then deciding on the middle as you come to it. Everything is subject to change but this certainly helps with creation. Next time you make a post lay it out with Tag lines so people can get to the information they are interested in quickly. Setting: Future/space/Earth/Date etc Genre: Plot Summary: Characters: Additional Information: Something like that will make it easier for people to digest and maybe even bother helping. Otherwise they'll do exactly what I did, read the first few lines, turn their brain off and rant on about something else. Or you know, something worse.... like not comment at all. Now I don't know how seriously you want to take this, so you can ignore most of this if its just something you had on the fly and probably drop in a week, like usually how I work. But if you want to take this seriously its important to remember the greatest stories took years to make, most started from a single idea and more often than not had nothing to do with their original form. This^^^.. The OP is more organized but still has many grammatical errors in it but like I said before you already mentioned you would do that so I'll give you a pass for now :). Power of absorbing Kinetic Energy is interesting but wouldn't that make people who stand still able to defeat him? Kinetic energy is energy an object has BECAUSE of it's motion. |
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| Your text cleanup is definitelly appreciated! it's a bit better now. Ok, let me say my opinion and notes on your answer. (wall of text again, sorry for that.) But you know what would I advice you to do? Write up the gist of the story of your MC, and once you have that, you'll see better what things are necessary from your concept and what has no role at all. If something has no role you might could consider omitting it, or replacing with something that has role. In other words see what background would fit to the story, rather than what story would fit the background. Afterall, the story is the center, the background is just the background. Sure background is important, very much, but pointless things has little importance and rather just end up as lose threads than anything important to the story. to the kinetic energy stuff, if others noted on too, I guess if MC's power has weaknesses too (like for example can't defeat just everyone) makes it more interesting. (IMO) |
Sora_92 said: Your text cleanup is definitelly appreciated! it's a bit better now. Ok, let me say my opinion and notes on your answer. (wall of text again, sorry for that.) But you know what would I advice you to do? Write up the gist of the story of your MC, and once you have that, you'll see better what things are necessary from your concept and what has no role at all. If something has no role you might could consider omitting it, or replacing with something that has role. In other words see what background would fit to the story, rather than what story would fit the background. Afterall, the story is the center, the background is just the background. Sure background is important, very much, but pointless things has little importance and rather just end up as lose threads than anything important to the story. to the kinetic energy stuff, if others noted on too, I guess if MC's power has weaknesses too (like for example can't defeat just everyone) makes it more interesting. (IMO) @Sora_92 Thank you for your feedback. You are really helping me form more ideas! (also yes it is possile to defect from master to divine and vice versa I think watching this video will help you understand the Ubermensch better: Elections: You know what? you are right i should not have them fight to the death. There will still be a duel between the finalists, but the losers have the option of becoming one of the Emperor's knights/top generals/companions. I think that sounds better, you still get a higher social rank after all your suffering in the elections. Yes the people follow the Emperor out of respect, loyalty, and somewhat fear, but they are master soul dominant. I agree that no being in this universe would fall completely into one side, but the little bit of fear that powers the divine soul remains dormant and insignificant as long as they dont see the emperor as something to fanatically worship. Note i said that Divine soul is fuelled when you start WORSHIPPING something as a supernatural being. The emperor is not a god, nor the leader of some religion. The emperor is supposed to be a purely secular authority figure, not something to pray to. For example, we respect the president of the USA right? does that we worship him? no it does not. Does that answer this question for you? For the individualistic society question, the difference between following a supernatural being is that the motive i guess. If you follow a human, you are most likely doing it for your own benefit. Following a god however, you are doing it because you want to the safety and comfort of being told what to do when it comes to morality rather than go by your own code. When you go to church or any religious site, why do you go there? You go there because it comforts you to know that there is an otherworldly power watching over you and so you can focus on comforting fantasies rather than harsh reality. Also why do you go to school to get taught by human teachers? its normally because you know it would be best for you in this world, not some otherworldliness, but to help you deal with life's problems rather than ignore them. Guardians:I did not say the guardians had higher intelligence. They are basically robots made by the planet as protection. Their loyalty is to the planet, not to those that live on it. If they deem an outside influence good for the planet, then they will side with them. In the story, i was planning on having the MC fight the 3 and convince them that the Deus ultimately dont care about the planet and that humans are not the enemy. G.O.D: The reason they havent achieved their goals yet despite having control over the planet is because they need to have 1,000,000,000 humans voluntartrily submit to them. Throughout their thousand year reign they have been doing all they can to stamp out all self-esteem in humans through Education centers, propaganda, fear, beatings, threats, gifts, etc. Their oppressive influence has been hammered into most of humanity through these fear tactics. At the point where the story begins, humanity is very much been "neutered" so to speak. And there are only tiny pockets of resistance groups in hiding and various bandit gangs to fight. Those people are the only ones left who still actively fight GOD. One of the MC's goals is to restore the people's will to power. The Deum Rex is the only one of the Deus who does not need to worship anyone since it is compensated with so many people worshipping him. Rank is not just decoration. A higher ranked member of god has less people to worship and fear and more people worshipping and fearing him. Probably shouldve mentioned this but there are no promotions on the GOD's army. I guess what im trying to say is that the golden rule among the GOD is to simply be obedient to those higher than you and do whatever you want with those below you. Again, im not saying that the superhumans hate things like companionship, cooperation, and teamwork. They know that no matter how powerful you are, you are only one human. They are also aware that a society depends on cooperation, they are not against the idea of teamwork. Its just its preferable if you can do things alone, for you alone are responsible for actions. Its just the thought of leaning on some supernatural being for help is considered weakness and laziness. To put it simply, its okay to believe in other humans because it benefits both of you and you know that they are real. Its not okay to believe in gods however, because it shows that you want an otherworldly and magical solution to your problems, showing just how weak-willed you are. To counter your argument on things we cant see or feel, we cant see or feel gravity but we know its there. And there are also things we dont have power over but know are not supernatual. Like the planet's rotation, sunrises, sunsets, stars, gravity, etc. That is the goal of GOD, to make all humans entirely dependant on the Deum Rex in order to form Paradisia. That is why they spent 1000 years trying to make humans more and more subservient. Your right, as i said earlier, no one is completely on one side. Even the most independent and rebellious individual relys on others to a small degree. And the even most weak-willed people desire a small smigeon of individuality. However, again, GOD's goal is too make humans completely dependent on the Deus so he can form Paradisia. By enslavement, meant literally and mentally. GOD has been doing all they can to squelch 1,000,000,000 human souls of individuality and will. During the story, Most Humans will be shown as scared, close-minded, and submissive sheep. Hey, i just came up with this cool idea: what if you can actually be overtaken by your master soul if you let your will and powers run wild and unrestrained. And you become essentially a disobedient, unreasonable, and aggressive berserker. Those overtaken by their master soul will gain great power but at the cost of being an angry monster. What do you think? Any other ideas/ questions? I really like how we are having a thinly veiled philosophical debate with this. It gets my brain going. If this story ever takes off, ill make sure to include you in the credits :D Thank you so much! |
OutlawedDrifterMar 21, 2016 10:57 AM
| The peasant is bound by the king. The king is bound by the peasants and their kingdom. But the Viking is bound to nothing but themselves. |
| See, we're progressing with the story too, now we already have some more info on MC. Though... those also brings new questions, I think. We still not know how he will accomplish his goal though, and that is the story itself, so that should be answered the soonest. (Wall of text again, sorry for that) Let's look at your MC too, if you already written some info on him. I will just say again what I said before, "Write up the gist of the story of your MC, and once you have that, you'll see better what things are necessary from your concept and what has no role at all. If something has no role you might could consider omitting it, or replacing with something that has role. In other words see what background would fit to the story, rather than what story would fit the background. Afterall, the story is the center, the background is just the background. Sure background is important, very much, but pointless things has little importance and rather just end up as lose threads than anything important to the story." And I mean, the gist of the story, not just the backstory of MC, but the gist of the story how he walks along his journey, and eventually menages to overthrow Deum Rex, and free humans. And I would say, for now, let's put the background in brackets (like these ()). Focus on you have your MC, who wants to overthrow some repressive ruler and his goverment or anything, without all the philosophical background. Let's see the story, the gist, without the background. and once you have that, let's add the background, considering where it's important and drop things from it that is not important, because those will end up creating just lose ends. And solve controversies too. I would think you should reconsider the whole background, on the line how I said upper, be it as YOU think, not as Nietzsche think. But before, write down the gist of the story, because it will help a lot to see what things you should care about in the background, a lot, a little, or not at all. |
Sora_92Mar 21, 2016 4:10 PM
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