 Check the novel here! → With Your Last Heartbeat Hello everyone! So I have been wanting to write some idea I had in my mind for a while, and came across the MyAnimeList x Honeyfeed contest. It´s a rom-com with an important drama element that will drive the story across many romantic and friendly moments. You are free to read it and give back any constructive critic or comment, as I will really thank them. |
| Buenos Aires, Argentina Check my latest web novel on Our Greatest Comeback🦊⛩️ and please drop a like or comment if you liked it! |
| Right, I'll just do it as quick as I can, I'm in a rush. There's unnatural dialogue, nobody says "I am sorry" like that. There're abrupt changes in scenes and chapter, the first ends at an arbitrary point, after going through many, pointless minor events that all appear as a single, unbroken line. There are plenty of blunt description of character expressions - "[I had a] face of anger," stuff like that, this really takes away from narration. Narration, actually, is another pretty weak area, with most of the first chapter switching between physically spoken and in-text first person narration, this is just awkward. The girls' a cliché and there's no defined plot or dynamic between her and the protagonist. And a few amateur grammar issues, most notably overusing ellipses. 5/10, I guess. |
| Well I for one already loved Lain. |
O_T_T said: Right, I'll just do it as quick as I can, I'm in a rush. There's unnatural dialogue, nobody says "I am sorry" like that. There're abrupt changes in scenes and chapter, the first ends at an arbitrary point, after going through many, pointless minor events that all appear as a single, unbroken line. There are plenty of blunt description of character expressions - "[I had a] face of anger," stuff like that, this really takes away from narration. Narration, actually, is another pretty weak area, with most of the first chapter switching between physically spoken and in-text first person narration, this is just awkward. The girls' a cliché and there's no defined plot or dynamic between her and the protagonist. And a few amateur grammar issues, most notably overusing ellipses. 5/10, I guess. Thanks for the comments. I´m still trying to improme my writing, so any comments are welcome about that! The problem with abrupt scenes it´s kind of a mix between bad writing and the fact that there is a lot of information I have to get into just 75000 words, but I would love to be able to complete that even more. I have only one question, how many chapters have you read? Because I think that could explain the problem of the cliché and the dynamic. |
| Buenos Aires, Argentina Check my latest web novel on Our Greatest Comeback🦊⛩️ and please drop a like or comment if you liked it! |
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