August 28th, 2011
The world I escape to...
...is the world of fantasy. I'm not sure why I am going to write what I am going to, but I feel that I need to do this. I've been watching anime for a while now, yet didn't really asked myself why do I like it and why in the recent months I've been nearly obsessed with it. I mean, I always loved animation, no matter of what making. In fact I loved anything and everything that had even a little of fantasy in it. My childhood was with fairy tales, my teenage years - with sci-fi novels and now - it's the world of anime... But why? Why I enjoy something that is not even real? Why only this kind of stuff kicks-in enjoyment centers in my brain? To my surprise the answer is really simple. It's the STORY and the DISCONNECTEDNESS from the reality....
Long ago I came to realize that I really hate reality! Not because I cannot cope with it, but because it's so boring... It's so boring that I do all I can to escape from it. The things people enjoy in it leaves me feeling empty inside for years now. I mean it's required from time to time to have "ordinary fun". One cannot deny his needs, but... It makes me sad and empty every time. I just hate it! It's convenient for me to think that this is because of my view on life from a nihilistic standpoint. After all, after one truly understands that there is no purpose in ones existence, one has to choose either existentialist path or... Well there's actually no other path. We are nothing more but a collection of sub-atomical particles. There is no nothing "supernatural" about us, living beings, humans. We are just another form of matter. That's it.
Sad, ain't it? I bet that there a lot of people who think differently. And by no means I blame or such. It's their choose to think what they think. Well, it's actually not, because there is no such thing as a free will... So what the hell one should do in this reality if one doesn't choose existentialist path? I've found the answer, but instead of making my life easier, everything just got worse. And you know why? Because of a simple truth that the life is not something you CHOOSE to do, but something that HAPPENS to you even if you hate those things. After this realization I started to plunge into the world fantasy even more. The funny thing that it was my subconscious way to cope with this. Just look at most of the stories, especially in anime world. There's a guy or a girl or a group of them and one day shi(f)t just starts to happen. The story is born and the meaning of existence appears out of nowhere. Not because one choose it, but because it happened.
But wait! This can and does happen in the real world too, one can say. That's true. But this thing is true to it's nature only and only when one is really ignorant of ones consciousness and the choose/happen principle. So basically, anyone who reads this and fully understands, I'm taking away the joy of experiencing the meaning of life (I do make people unhappy most of the time). That's because... Well... It's really hard to explain this and I don't think that I'm writing this to explain my theory of uncontrollability. Yes, thats a stupid name, I know...
But you know what? Screw my plan of writing about how and why I connect to the world of anime. I'll give it a shot. Say you understand that there is no meaning in anything and we, humans, create them for our convenience. You also understand that humans instinctively seek safety. Either it be biological or social. We can't deny food, shelter, love, recognition and similar things, can we? Yet why some or actually a lot of us enjoy something that is not real, that has negative or positive emotions? Our wholes lives are based on experiencing all of the emotional spectrum. It's the setting that changes. One enjoys this in a theater, one with a book, another in a game world, yet another, like me, in a fantasy world of anime. And why why why? Because we want these things to happen to us. But they have to happen without our conscious desire.
Paradoxical huh? That's because of the safety instinct. Please remember shi(f)t that happened in your life without your desire for it actually to happen. Memories are vivid, right? Either positive or negative, but they are the strongest memories in your head. And it's all because those things were unexpected and uncontrolled. Yet look at our world. For the most part all of us live ordinary and expected lives. Nothing TRULY interesting happens. Well it does happen. Your loved one gets in a car accident, you are beaten in the street, you get a fraking bullet in your forehead! This does happen, no denying here. And while you'd wish that this would not happen to you, actually it's a blessing when it does. Even if it costs lives. Maybe this sound cold and harsh, but that's the truth. Answer me, what if whole your life nothing unexpected would happen, absolutely nothing and at the same time you could have anything you want? When the time to die would come, would you actually feel that the life had a purpose and you lived happily? I would certainly not! There would be no "hard" memories that were etched into my skull. Just some hazy something somethings...
That's why, that's why, when my real life is so fucking boring and convenient, I ESCAPE TO THE WORLD OF FANTASY. Sure, go and make your life fraking interesting, you say. But that's not possible for the reasons stated above. The realization of choice/happening matter does not allow one to fully experience anything in the true form of unexpectedness. Because you know that if you choose to go to army and have the thrill of dying from the bullet of your enemy - it would be your CHOICE! And that's why I envy people who are ignorant. You know, ignorance is a bliss... They can have a lot of "unexpected" moments, since they cannot connect the dots to the point where it's actually a choice they made. I would not choose a rocket exploding outside my flat and all hell braking loose and I would hate the pain, the horrible things that I'd have to see. But that would be an experience in it's true nature. I know, it's horrible. There are wars in our world. There people die every day and would do anything to switch position with us, who are safe at their homes. They did not want any war and they did not CHOOSE it. Catch my drift?
Heck, no one wants these terrible things or anything to unexpected. I'm no exception. In fact I'm really good at avoiding these kind of things. Too good. Everything goes according to my choices and I rarely get caught unexpected. Even now I know that if there will be any comments to this post, I know all the possible types of them. Yet, don't worry, I won't hate those hate, pity or like type comments. It's something that my ego does. It always tries to predict everything in advance and prepare to it. Yet again, sad, ain't it? One nolifer spills his feelings on some anime website (by the way - a really good one) for no apparent reason... I'm lying though... There's always a reason for what we do. But I'm not going to tell, since, anyway, no one cares. And they shouldn't. Sometimes we need to let (or scream) out our emotions. And this is my way of doing, since I have no friends who would listen. Well, maybe there would be someone who could listen, but no one would truly understand. It's all in the physics and fundamentally impossible...
You know, our brain has ~100 billions neurons, how the heck could I hope to be understood, when !100 billion combinations (or even more if loops are possible - need to check) of neural connections could exist in our brain? Okay, I'm off to the world of fantasy once again, maybe there is another character waiting me to connect to such as ones in my favorite list. I really like the ones who has emotional traumas or underdevelopments (Ikaros is my favorite one at the moment). Wonder why... Actually I don't. I do realize it. My condition that is. There are exceptions of course. Like Kenpachi Zaraki, who is pure brute force. Just like me... Wait what, you may ask... I have to confess, it would be interesting to know what kind of a person you imagined reading this. Well, it doesn't matter since you'd be wrong. Since I'm really capable of living a "normal" life. It's just that I don't want to. You could see passing by in the street and you would see me as an average everyday guy, except for the fact maybe, that my (and now I'm boasting myself) body type is athletic. That's it. I'm very a-stereotypical, since I make a living from web development, but I'm not a true geek or a nerd. And no one would actually think that I'm smart (and I'm really am - yet one should not say it, but I don't care...), or anime fan or anything in such style...
Shi(f)! There I go again! Preemptive strikes, so I could prove you wrong about who I am. That's what I do all the fraking time! Securing my emotional safety after actually spilling a tone of it to a bunch of strangers... Frak it! Okay, sorry about that. Not sure what feelings I will leave to after reading this, but I'm somewhat relieved since I was planning to write this a long time. It's really easier do this stuff when one immerses itself into music it likes. Angel Beats soundtrack for the win! If you feel negative emotions after reading this, I'm sorry for that, but as I've said, my egoistical personality tries to preserve itself. Shi(f)t happens, you know :) Happing ani-time. I'm off to watch one more anime story so I could live another week in this miserable world.
P.S. I do not have a depression and I am not suicidal (no fraking way!). If it's a depression it's 8 year long already and without drugs. You see, there I go again with a preemptive strike...
Long ago I came to realize that I really hate reality! Not because I cannot cope with it, but because it's so boring... It's so boring that I do all I can to escape from it. The things people enjoy in it leaves me feeling empty inside for years now. I mean it's required from time to time to have "ordinary fun". One cannot deny his needs, but... It makes me sad and empty every time. I just hate it! It's convenient for me to think that this is because of my view on life from a nihilistic standpoint. After all, after one truly understands that there is no purpose in ones existence, one has to choose either existentialist path or... Well there's actually no other path. We are nothing more but a collection of sub-atomical particles. There is no nothing "supernatural" about us, living beings, humans. We are just another form of matter. That's it.
Sad, ain't it? I bet that there a lot of people who think differently. And by no means I blame or such. It's their choose to think what they think. Well, it's actually not, because there is no such thing as a free will... So what the hell one should do in this reality if one doesn't choose existentialist path? I've found the answer, but instead of making my life easier, everything just got worse. And you know why? Because of a simple truth that the life is not something you CHOOSE to do, but something that HAPPENS to you even if you hate those things. After this realization I started to plunge into the world fantasy even more. The funny thing that it was my subconscious way to cope with this. Just look at most of the stories, especially in anime world. There's a guy or a girl or a group of them and one day shi(f)t just starts to happen. The story is born and the meaning of existence appears out of nowhere. Not because one choose it, but because it happened.
But wait! This can and does happen in the real world too, one can say. That's true. But this thing is true to it's nature only and only when one is really ignorant of ones consciousness and the choose/happen principle. So basically, anyone who reads this and fully understands, I'm taking away the joy of experiencing the meaning of life (I do make people unhappy most of the time). That's because... Well... It's really hard to explain this and I don't think that I'm writing this to explain my theory of uncontrollability. Yes, thats a stupid name, I know...
But you know what? Screw my plan of writing about how and why I connect to the world of anime. I'll give it a shot. Say you understand that there is no meaning in anything and we, humans, create them for our convenience. You also understand that humans instinctively seek safety. Either it be biological or social. We can't deny food, shelter, love, recognition and similar things, can we? Yet why some or actually a lot of us enjoy something that is not real, that has negative or positive emotions? Our wholes lives are based on experiencing all of the emotional spectrum. It's the setting that changes. One enjoys this in a theater, one with a book, another in a game world, yet another, like me, in a fantasy world of anime. And why why why? Because we want these things to happen to us. But they have to happen without our conscious desire.
Paradoxical huh? That's because of the safety instinct. Please remember shi(f)t that happened in your life without your desire for it actually to happen. Memories are vivid, right? Either positive or negative, but they are the strongest memories in your head. And it's all because those things were unexpected and uncontrolled. Yet look at our world. For the most part all of us live ordinary and expected lives. Nothing TRULY interesting happens. Well it does happen. Your loved one gets in a car accident, you are beaten in the street, you get a fraking bullet in your forehead! This does happen, no denying here. And while you'd wish that this would not happen to you, actually it's a blessing when it does. Even if it costs lives. Maybe this sound cold and harsh, but that's the truth. Answer me, what if whole your life nothing unexpected would happen, absolutely nothing and at the same time you could have anything you want? When the time to die would come, would you actually feel that the life had a purpose and you lived happily? I would certainly not! There would be no "hard" memories that were etched into my skull. Just some hazy something somethings...
That's why, that's why, when my real life is so fucking boring and convenient, I ESCAPE TO THE WORLD OF FANTASY. Sure, go and make your life fraking interesting, you say. But that's not possible for the reasons stated above. The realization of choice/happening matter does not allow one to fully experience anything in the true form of unexpectedness. Because you know that if you choose to go to army and have the thrill of dying from the bullet of your enemy - it would be your CHOICE! And that's why I envy people who are ignorant. You know, ignorance is a bliss... They can have a lot of "unexpected" moments, since they cannot connect the dots to the point where it's actually a choice they made. I would not choose a rocket exploding outside my flat and all hell braking loose and I would hate the pain, the horrible things that I'd have to see. But that would be an experience in it's true nature. I know, it's horrible. There are wars in our world. There people die every day and would do anything to switch position with us, who are safe at their homes. They did not want any war and they did not CHOOSE it. Catch my drift?
Heck, no one wants these terrible things or anything to unexpected. I'm no exception. In fact I'm really good at avoiding these kind of things. Too good. Everything goes according to my choices and I rarely get caught unexpected. Even now I know that if there will be any comments to this post, I know all the possible types of them. Yet, don't worry, I won't hate those hate, pity or like type comments. It's something that my ego does. It always tries to predict everything in advance and prepare to it. Yet again, sad, ain't it? One nolifer spills his feelings on some anime website (by the way - a really good one) for no apparent reason... I'm lying though... There's always a reason for what we do. But I'm not going to tell, since, anyway, no one cares. And they shouldn't. Sometimes we need to let (or scream) out our emotions. And this is my way of doing, since I have no friends who would listen. Well, maybe there would be someone who could listen, but no one would truly understand. It's all in the physics and fundamentally impossible...
You know, our brain has ~100 billions neurons, how the heck could I hope to be understood, when !100 billion combinations (or even more if loops are possible - need to check) of neural connections could exist in our brain? Okay, I'm off to the world of fantasy once again, maybe there is another character waiting me to connect to such as ones in my favorite list. I really like the ones who has emotional traumas or underdevelopments (Ikaros is my favorite one at the moment). Wonder why... Actually I don't. I do realize it. My condition that is. There are exceptions of course. Like Kenpachi Zaraki, who is pure brute force. Just like me... Wait what, you may ask... I have to confess, it would be interesting to know what kind of a person you imagined reading this. Well, it doesn't matter since you'd be wrong. Since I'm really capable of living a "normal" life. It's just that I don't want to. You could see passing by in the street and you would see me as an average everyday guy, except for the fact maybe, that my (and now I'm boasting myself) body type is athletic. That's it. I'm very a-stereotypical, since I make a living from web development, but I'm not a true geek or a nerd. And no one would actually think that I'm smart (and I'm really am - yet one should not say it, but I don't care...), or anime fan or anything in such style...
Shi(f)! There I go again! Preemptive strikes, so I could prove you wrong about who I am. That's what I do all the fraking time! Securing my emotional safety after actually spilling a tone of it to a bunch of strangers... Frak it! Okay, sorry about that. Not sure what feelings I will leave to after reading this, but I'm somewhat relieved since I was planning to write this a long time. It's really easier do this stuff when one immerses itself into music it likes. Angel Beats soundtrack for the win! If you feel negative emotions after reading this, I'm sorry for that, but as I've said, my egoistical personality tries to preserve itself. Shi(f)t happens, you know :) Happing ani-time. I'm off to watch one more anime story so I could live another week in this miserable world.
P.S. I do not have a depression and I am not suicidal (no fraking way!). If it's a depression it's 8 year long already and without drugs. You see, there I go again with a preemptive strike...
Posted by h3r0e | Aug 28, 2011 10:30 AM | 1 comments