inoneoutheother's Blog

Back to inoneoutheother's Blog

wake up at 1pm.

knit.

watch anime while knitting.

check websites and leave comments.

knit some more.

watch anime.

eat something.

check websites again.

deliberate as to whether or not i should be productive.

decide against it.

more knitting.

feel depressed about being so lame.

listen to music and think about stuff.

while knitting.

websites again.

be depressed.

maybe eat dinner.

knit.

anime.

music.

sleep at 4am.

repeat.

I HATE MYSELF!!

ok.. so maybe i exaggerated, and maybe this isn't my exact routine.. but it sure feels like it.. i applied for a job online today but that is THE ONLY productive thing i've done.. maybe i should read a book instead of watching anime.. but still.. and the knitting is because i don't have enough money to buy presents for everyone this year.. or anyone.. heh.. i'm almost completely broke and i'm planning on leaving for a weekend in pittsburgh tomorrow?.. whattt is wrong with me??.. eh.. it'll be close to 100 bucks just to pay for gas to get down there.. i'm planning on meeting with someone at pitt to talk about the teaching program, and then i was going to look for a job/apartment.. but i know myself.. and i won't get around to half of the things i've planned.. erlghawsrkgelrkgwelrgkuqw.kaugrt.kgjrwlekj!!!.. someone needs to kick my sorry ass into shape.. i don't know if i'm waiting for something, putting something off, resisting something, looking for something.. i don't knowww but i'm off-kilter right now and i'm not sure why.. i would say it's depression of some kind, but maybe i'm only looking for a scapegoat to my laziness.. i'm in a funk and i feel no motivation to move forward.. man i hope this trip won't be a waste.. i need to be responsible and not just screw around with friends the whole weekend.. guess i'm just worried that i'll blow it and i felt the need to vent on here.. seems like i'm always frustrated with myself for one thing or another.. everyone thinks i'm so smart and hardworking and independent.. heh.. if they only knew what's really going on inside of my head.. i feel that i could so easily slip into a bad/negative lifestyle.. make the things that i do fit with the way i feel about myself.. maybe that's why i've been sitting around.. i feel the need to slow down and let people know that i'm just not ready yet.. i'm not ready for the world and all of its pressures.. i'm not ready to be alone out there.. heh.. i know i don't need a relationship at this point in my life.. but i feel as though i need something to steady me.. i hate that feeling of just floating in life, with no specific goals or desires.. no one person to live for.. and for some reason i can't figure out how to enjoy living for myself.. it feels too empty to me.. i always prided myself on my devotion to my friends.. but it seems the time has finally come for me to put those things behind me and move ahead for myself, my career.. whatever.. i can't bring myself to make that move though.. and i don't want to be another one of those kids wasting their degree, living at home.. that kind of stagnation scares me even more than the real world.. guess i just can't win..

bah.

wonder what it will take for me to find my happiness in life.. the only thing i figure is that i need to keep moving, even if i don't want to.. keep going until i find that job or that person that will make me feel worthwhile.. can't imagine a job doing that, but who knows.. maybe i put too much store in the ideal of love and marriage.. when there are other things to be done that could fulfill a person.. teachers can make a difference, right?.. so why not.. heh.. i'm sure it's possible.. and i'll just have to be sure not to get too discouraged if the "right" man doesn't come along one of these days.. need to keep it all in perspective.

sorry for the rant.

nite<3