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03-11-11, 7:10 AM
This is so horrifying, I'm so worried for everyone I know in Iwate. I'm worried for Japanese citizens in general.

This is like... some kind of twisted lesson to me. To not forget my priorities. I lose my will to watch Japanese things and have a mental breakdown, and this happens... how silly of me. Just as I try to give up something important to me, something devastating happens. It makes me realize even more how silly it was. And God this site is having a terrible time getting my post through, everything's falling apart, this site, Japan, myself. I need to remember this next time I start to let go of something dear to me, to remind me of how foolish this wavering is. Let this memory be engaved into my mind, the foolishness and worthlessness and the price of letting go. It almost feels as if, my punishment from losing sight of my life, instead of gripping it tightly, is that something horrible is happening where all of the Japanese people I know and care about most are suffering.

My homestay family live in Iwate. My Japanese friends live in Iwate. My acquaintances live in Iwate. Oh God do I hope they're okay. What have I done with my life? My homestay family that I care so very deeply about. I've dilly dallied around, lied to myself, cheated myself out of goals I had in life, hated myself for things that made me happy and denied myself of them, betrayed things I found to be beautiful out of self hatred, became a pitiful escapist pile with no motivation. And now it may be too late, my homestay family, my friends in Iwate, they may be dead. And it's all my fault for being pathetic scum with no strength. They took me into their home and treated me with kindness, even though, even though, even though I was a foreigner! And I wanted to see them again, they said they couldn't wait until I came back. And now I've squandered it, I've stomped on it. And now who knows what's happened to them. I didn't deserve their love and kindness towards me! I'm trash! I'm trash and I'm probably never going to get to see them ever again! This is all my fault!

I'm going to try posting this on my blog now, just to see if it will go through. Oh I feel sick. How bad is this, how many people are dying? Oh God, my head. Is Hanamaki remotely safe? I'm going crazy right now.
Posted by ukonkivi | 03-11-11, 7:10 AM | Add a comment
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