Somewhat recently, my friend David and I were hanging out BS’ing and the subject of the Moster Hunter live-action movie came up, mostly due to us both watching the trailer reaction from Double Toasted. Somehow our discussion evolved into hypothetical video games that “filmmaker” Paul W. S. Anderson could also badly adapt into a US live-action movie (or series of movies). One of the first video games that we thought of was Darkstalkers and we talked about it for so long that we ended developing casting picks for 10 of the major characters for the movie! I saved that information and enjoyed it so much that I wanted to record it here, complete with pictures for each casting pick.
So let’s be clear: this is all just for fun! I call this a “Dream” Casting with dream in quotes because this is largely meant as a joke. And for the record, I have VERY LITTLE KNOWLEDGE about the Darkstalkers franchise, but I feel like that makes me in a way extra-qualified to help create this list! With that said, if this sounds at all like it might be fun for you, click on the spoiler button and read on!
“Dream” Casting - Darkstalkers US Live-Action Movie
Milla Jovovich as Morrigan Aensland
Of course with this being a Paul W. S. Anderson video game movie, Milla Jovovich HAS to play the female lead! And we think she is fitting enough as Morrigan. And I’m sure she’ll make the character wonderfully boring.
Sam Worthington as Demitri Maximoff
David has a bit of a weird obsession with this Sam Worthington dude with how he is pretty much the defacto bland white male lead. So here he is! David was starting to develop a general plot for how Demitri would come into play as the main character, but I don’t remember all that much about it, and is it really all that important??
Cardi B as Felicia
With T.I. being a “major name” co-star for the Monster Hunter movie, we wanted to keep the theme of music artists as actors for this hypothetical Darkstalkers movie. And I felt that Cardi B would make a fitting Felicia and would do well to piss off a lot of fans in glorious fashion.
Jared Leto as Jedah Dohma
One of the big issues of discussion when David and I was talking about this casting was that we couldn’t have too many true “big-name” actors. Jared Leto was the only truly big name that we decided would be okay with putting on the cast. We were even starting to make excuses of how maybe he really connected with Jedah for some reason? Or that he’s a big Darkstalkers fan? Or that he maybe lost some clout after his Suicide Squad Joker?? Whatever!
Belle Delphine as Lilith Aensland
This one just came to me and I thought it was weirdly perfect. It’s so perfect in my mind that I’m a little surprised that I couldn’t find any pictures of Belle cosplaying as Lilith. I mean, she has done Cammy from Street Fighter. Maybe it’s just a matter of time??
Patrick Warburton as Jon Talbain (voice)
We decided that Jon Talbain would take up a good portion of the budget for this movie as the most intensive amount of CGI to make this character. So we mainly just needed to cast the voice and I thought it would be amusing to have the voice of Brock Samson from The Venture Bros. And hey, what the hell. I think it would be amusing to have a brief scene of Patrick actually playing the human version of Jon just for fun.
Jamie Chung as Hsien-Ko
I’ve never watched Dragonball Evolution (and probably never will), but I thought it’d be amusing to have one of the actors from that movie in this one. And when I saw that Jamie Chung started as a reality TV star, that was just icing on the cake!
Tekashi69 as Lord Raptor
So while I’m sure Cardi B as Felicia can get a good amount of hate from dumb conservatives and incels, it seems like pretty much everyone hates Mr. 6ix9ine as a crappy excuse for a human being. So yeah, lets throw him in here, too!
Olivia Holt as Baby Bonnie Hood
Honestly, B.B.Hood was the hardest one for us to cast. As mentioned in the “Jared Leto as Jedah Dohma” entry, we didn’t want to have a lot of major names and most of the fitting young actresses that we could think of for this character just felt too big for this movie. Millie Bobby Brown? Yeah, she could fit well, but she’s too big for this now. Elle Fanning? No, way too big. Together, the two of us couldn’t really thing of anyone who’d work. However, it was bugging me so much and I really wanted B.B.Hood in the movie, so I ended up just Googling young Disney actresses and such. This actress is the best I could come up with to fit the character. So yeah, absolutely the least “inspired” pick of this casting, but I think she looks the part at least.
Fred Durst as Victor von Gerdenheim
And lastly, Limp Bizkit has become a bit of a running joke between me and David. We’ve pretty much agreed that this is the music from our high school years that has had the biggest drop-off of aging absolutely horribly. It just sounds SO BAD and LAME these days!! So I think I originally suggested that wacky Wes Borland would make a good Lord Raptor, but I later switched that to Tekashi69. But after Fred Durst made The Fanatic, David and I kind of developed this little “headcanon” that Fred Durst desperately wants to be an actor, so here we are giving him that opportunity! And it also ties into our shoehorning of music artist into this cast, so it works out!
And that’s it! If anyone out there happened to stumble upon this, I hope you enjoyed it as much as David and I enjoyed talking about it! Strangely enough, the more I look at these images with the actors and characters side-by-side, the less and less ridiculous this casting actually looks to me. Anyway, this has been fun to put together! Until next time, laters!
