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WARNING: BECAUSE OF REASONS I MUST TELL EVERYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 TO GET OUT OF MY BLOG! OBEY OR I’LL BE DEFENESTRATED! ALSO BE WARY OF WILD ROAMING SPOILERS! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

: Zettai, you seem to be in a good mood!

Of course! My training is over and I’m now ready to face the last assassin!

: Why do you think she’ll face you now?

Why, because this is the last blog this month, that’s when villains strike!

: ...Makes sense.

Voice: AIEEEEEEEEEEE! *suddenly a girl falls off the sky and lands on top of Zettai*

: Whoa, déjà vu!

Voice: Owowow... It seems ironically I landed on someone...

!!! *Zettai’s face is unsurprisingly under the girl’s butt, staring straight at her striped panties* (This must be a tsundere all right...)

Voice: AAH! *jumps off Zettai in surprise* What are you do- Oh, you’re Zettai!

...You know me? I mean, I know you, you’re...



: That I am, the Goddess of Lastation! I always read your weekly blogs!

Awesome, always good to meet a reader! I hope for Topaz you read his blog too!

: I do, but he seems like someone who would prefer meeting Vert...

He would. I don’t, of course. *scowls* Who likes that fat cow? Breasts are nothing but useless fat, only good to ruin your back!

: Whoa! Are you related to Blanc? Because you say the same things!

No, but her ideas interest me and I wish to subscribe to her newsletter.

: Or you could read her blog! And mine! Read mine too! ....Not that I want you to read it, only do it if you want, of course!

Will do! Now why don’t you come to my house to play videogames?

: Sounds like fun! *smile*

: Zettai... *whisper* What if she’s...?

No way...

: *whisper* But she fits the criteria... She knows you, she showed up near the end of the month and from that attack video you showed me she even has a drill.

Well... *whisper* ...In that case, we must get the first strike! Mistress, get ready for Operation Genji!

: Flip her over and hit her weak point for massive damage, got it! *quickly pulls on Noire’s wrist with her whip and makes her fall stomach-first on Katja’s lap*

: H-Hey, what are you doing?

: Zettai’s orders! *lifts Noire’s miniskirt, pulls down her striped panties and starts spanking her bare pale ass*

: S-Stop! *moans*

: Now until you give up on killing Zettai! *spanks more until Noire’s cheeks get red and swollen*

: Aaah! *secretly likes it* But I don’t want to kill Z-Zettai!

: Then why did you show up suddenly?

: I got d-distracted on a s-s-stupid game with Nept-tune and I landed h-here...!

Sounds weird...

: Actually it must be the truth, since Nymph was the last assassin.*lets Noire go*

WHAT? You knew, Mistress?

: Of course! But I thought this would be funnier. And it was!

: It w-wasn’t funny for me! *secretly enjoyed it* Now I need a compensation! *puts on panties again*

Of course, Lady Noire, I’m sorry! *kisses Noire’s hand*

: Thanks... I guess... *whisper* Is this kid okay?

: *whisper* He has a few screws loose, but the important ones are fine

: *whisper* Just let him praise your butt and you’ll be okay.

: Well... Then let’s go play games, Zettai!

: Wait, someone please explain to me this “falling down” thing.

It’s when you trip and land on the ground.

: ...*Fujiokas Zettai*

Ow!

: If you mean my explanation, I fell from the floating continent of Gamindustri.

: Oh, so you fell from- WHAT?

The floating continent of Gamindustri is a flying landmass that soars over the skies of Earth and drifts all over the planet. First the colonies and now this? Chiaki, come on!

: In Chiaki’s defense, this is a pretty silly retcon.

At least I don’t spawn in Gensoukyou when I die.

: Oh, like Topaz?

That’s the joke.

: As much I like not this idle talk, weren’t we going home?

Oh, right! Thanks, Mistress!

: Hey, Zettai, can you make a blog for me in the way back? N-Not that I really want one, but it’d get Lastation more attention...

Sure thing!

Head

Hair
Noire has black hair, and it’s amazing. It’s long and, like her name suggests, black. She also has alternate hair colors in her extra costumes. Her hairstyle is twintails because tsunderes tend to have twintails, and she has bangs that frame her face, traditional large middle bang included. It’s really pretty and goes just right with her eyes and costume. In Goddess form, also known as HDD mode her hair becomes white, not as good but still very nice, and her hair keeps the bangs but is now down, long enough to reach her waist and has some “wildness” to it and fits well with her fight-loving nature. For some odd reason Victory changed her HDD mode so she would have twintails too. I mean, none of the other girls got a design change and in fact that game introduced Pururut whose hair does change when she becomes Iris Heart, so it’s just random. Idea Fucktory being typical, I guess! No, that nickname isn’t derogatory, is how Japanese fans call them. Well, maybe they do mean it as derogatory, but I’m just being silly.
Grade: A

: Thanks for the high score, sounds like Zettai all right! Bet I guess the next rating as well!

Eyes
Her eyes are even more amazing. When untransformed, Noire’s eyes are RED, a lovely tsurime, and the color has a slight gradient. They’re incredibly beautiful and go great with her black hair. Unfortunately when she transforms into her HDD mode they go light green instead, though at least they go well with her white hair, and she also gets power button-shaped pupils. At least they aren’t a triangle and a square. However, this was redeemed in the first game’s remake, where the non-Neptune goddesses appear wearing GLASSES. On top of that Noire gets THICK, RED ONES! Sadly they are slightly narrow, only covering about half her eyes, but those seem to be the only glasses Idea Fucktory knows so whatever. In case you want to see how she looks like, here is visual proof. The director went on record saying they only did because they wanted to see Vert in glasses. Then he took off his mask and he turned out to be Red Herring Topaz. Wait, no. Jokes aside Noire’s eyes can be various different colors in her alternate costumes, she can also wear glasses in Mk2 and her Metal Gear-inspired costume from said game gives her an eyepatch, but thankfully doesn’t make her look like Sean Connery. Still, go her glasses! Bonus vid: Blanc and Vert with their glasses on! And yes, Vert’s glasses don’t match her colors, but eh.
Grade: A+

: I got it! Truly you can tell the influence of Topaz! *puts on and adjusts glasses*

: Much like Zettai influenced Topaz to spank and kiss that samurai girl’s ass...

Thanks! Oh, seems we arrived earlier than expected. Mind if I end my blog first?

: Go ahead!

Body

Build
This franchise has measurements, hooray! They’re a bit more complicated than usual, however. Anyway, Noire is 158 cm tall which is a bit over my ideal but not much, and weight 43 kg which is normal. Her three sizes are 83C/56/80 in the first Neptunia game and 83C/56/82 from the second game onwards. No, that’s not a typo, they really made her ass bigger via retcon magic. I’m not complaining! In her HDD mode she grows to 160 cm and 45 kg and her measurements are 83C/57/81 in the first Neptunia game and 83C/57/83 from the second game onwards. Overall she looks nice, and is noteworthy for being the only goddess whose chest doesn’t grow in HDD mode. The anime just ignores this and makes her chest grow because it was made by Vert fanboys and thus tasteless. That aside she also manages to be perfectly average in measurements out of the four goddesses as Neptune is the second smallest in base and second biggest when transformed while the other 3 are consistent, go figure. Numbers aside her body looks fairly nice, her chest isn’t flat but it’s not big either and her flat stomach and nice legs help as well. However, her best feature is personally her glorious navel. Oh, she has such a cute navel, I want to passionately kiss it! Sorry... As a footnote, Noire’s own game represents the characters as chibi in-battle and they look adorable! Much better than the annoying chibi Tomoki from Sora no Otoshimono for sure.
Grade: B+

Butt
Kind of complicated. The anime was made by Vert fanboys and as such kinda forgot about lower bodies most times. Proof breast fans are awful selfish people right here.

: Are you REALLY sure you aren’t related to Blanc?

Really sure of it. Anyway, other sources are a bit better. The games at least SHOW her butt in the HDD transformation sequence, but it’s nothing special. Amusingly Uni gets an epic buttshot attack, little sister power! One of the games has a scene of her bathing and there’s a pretty nice shot of her bare ass, easily her best scene! The mangas also have some shots here and there, included a famous scene about butts where Uni says her sister’s ass is the best. And of course there is the measurement retcon that makes her hips 2 cm bigger. The Producing Perfection games do let you touch girls on their chest and butt apparently, but I have no proof of that. All in all Noire isn’t bad on this, but she could be better! As a related note the American AND European versions of the first game’s cover censored White Heart’s butt AND Purple Heart’s cleavage, what was that about only Nintendo censoring things again.
Grade: C

: Oh, right, I forgot you liked more that company... If you aren’t related to Blanc then the dislike of big breasts must be linked to that company.

Hah, if only.

: Not that I mind. Live in your world, play in ours.

Personally I’ll stick with the brain of the beast...

: Zettai, that motto was used only in Spain. Your one reader won’t get it.

Really? Then... Huh... Guess now I’m playing with power!

: That’s the system before, but will do.

: Chiaki, how do you know so much about retro games?

: Mostly from hearing Zettai talk... It’s been over a year after all.

: How old are you?

: 10

: How old were you back then?

: 10.

: ...Why were we mocking the Gensoukyou thing again?

Clothes
This one’s interesting. Noire’s default costume in the first two games and anime is a white and red strapless dress covered with what seems the lower part of a black jacket with golden details, as well as detached black sleeves with white frills, blue hair ribbons with matching ones on the tip of her twintails, a blue bowtie on her collar, and finally black thighhigh boots with garter belt. Other than giving her chest emphasis it’s a nice costume. In Goddess form she wears a black bodysuit with some white bits and again detached sleeves and thighhigh boots. It has cleavage for some reason, but it’s cool otherwise and it’s not like she shows most of her chest like Vert... In Victory and related games she instead has a dark grey and white with some blue top with NO cleavage, once again detached and a bit odd black sleeves, still the bowtie and ribbons but without the twintail tip ribbons, a black miniskirt and grey boots with dark blue thighhighs with garters. At first I wasn’t big on this costume due to its lack of frills and red bits, but over time it grew on me; blame her navel. Her HDD form also changed, being now grey with black bits and sporting different patterns; again cleavage but nice. As a note her designs are based on Sony systems; regular HDD is the PS3, Victory normal is the PS2 and Victory HDD is the PS1.

Besides that she also has a few bonus costumes. Those include a nice frilly kitty costume with a nice Black Heart version, a blue bikini, or a school uniform with a black blazer, dark grey miniskirt, black thighhighs, red ribbons and a red tie; it’s the ideal school uniform for my tastes and it’s not from an actual show, sad. There are also even more bikinis, her Producing Perfection idol costume and all her other costumes from the games I can’t find images of. The manga also puts her on a cute Santa costume. Lastly the anime did best for her; not only she wore a maid dress but an episode focused on her gave Noire various cosplays in a row: a cute witch costume Ram wears in the games, a black top and shorts costume from Umi, her aforementioned PP idol clothes, and on top of that cosplays of Chihaya Kisaragi with some Azu-nyan and of Kurisu Makise as unlike Super Sonico she has a moderately fitting physique. The last two costumes are awesome not just for the VA joke but also because the former has PANTYHOSE and the latter wears GLASSES, not sure why but she does. Noire in general does well in this, not surprising as cosplaying IS one of her hobbies in-universe!
Grade: B+

: N-Not that I’d show you my cosplays...

A shame, since there is one I’d like you to wear!

: Really? Well, then I could make an exception for you... Only this once!

Thanks! Mistress, take her to the Blog Girls Dressing Room.

: Is... Is this a common occurrence? *follows Katja*

: More than you’d think. *guides Noire in and helps her to put on the costume*

: T-This is embarrassing... *comes out wearing a familiar uniform with a white jacket and pantyhose, her glasses still on of course*

Looks as awesome as expected! Thank you, Noire!

: Thanks... *flusters*

: Bet your one reader likes this, Zettai.

: And he’ll like it more now! *slaps Noire’s ass again and somehow that makes her clothes BURST so she ends in a brown bikini*

Now THIS is an elaborate, faithful cosplay! *claps*

: This is embarrassing! *covers up and runs back to put on her regular costume again*

Mind

Personality
Noire is one of the Goddesses of the land of Gamindustri, taking care of the country of Lastation. Why yes, this is all based on gaming companies, that’s why the villains are based on piracy. And Atari. Atari is evil, you know, and also a Japanese company that is still around. Anyway Noire’s role and personality seems to change from game to game, which is okay since technically the first 3 games are set in parallel worlds.

In the first game she and the other three goddesses have been locked in a war for many years, and Noire alongside Blanc and Vert decide to dispatch Neptune because she’s the weakest. Of course she survives but amnesiac and goes off to thwart the nefarious plans of the villains while Noire mostly tries to take care of Lastation by herself and shows off to fight Neptune as Black Heart a few times. She can be recruited near the end of a game by reading how to do so in GameFAQs or a “capture” Wiki. Or she could join way earlier if you’re playing the remake, sure. Either way at the end she and the other goddesses lock their powers to live as normal people. That’d make for a lousy sequel so the second game is set in a parallel world as said, though Noire doesn’t do much in it as the game starts with her and the other Goddesses being defeated by Arfoire and friends so Neptune, Blanc and Noire’s little sisters are the true stars who save their older sisters and Vert. Victory gives Noire a bigger role, though it’s a different Noire than the Mk2 one. Much like in the anime they meet at the end. The anime loosely tells the plots of Mk2 and Victory, with Noire being awesome in battle and having an episode about her.

Personality-wise is hard to peg since Noire has been changing as the games go on, but the general gist is still there. The first game establishes her as an ideal goddess that works hard for the people of Lastation and overexerts herself, but is still in HEART a young girl that likes cosplaying and is into voice acting. She also buys a guitar because of a current musical anime; remember this is a 2010 game. While she’s not shown to be into video games as much as the other goddesses her favorite genre is RPGs. When she transforms into Black Heart she becomes more aggressive and eager to fight, but she is still tsundere apparently. In personal relations she has an amusing rivalry-friendship with Neptune, gets well enough with the other two goddesses and adores her imouto Uni very much, though overall she has difficulties making friends. In the topic of the relationships I never got why the Nintendo girl was randomly given a rivalry with the MICROSOFT one. Sega would make perfect sense, Sony could work too, but MS is just random. Idea Fucktory being they I guess! Back to Noire she’s also a strong fighter, in the first game she’s great like all the non-Neptune goddesses as her lategame optional status deserves and in later ones she’s a decent balanced character but not top tier. She uses swords and also guns but focuses more on the former. As mentioned in the plot she can also use a drill but, well. Noire is overall a great tsundere and good show of how to make a character of this type without they being overbearing and annoying!
Grade: A-

: That’s good you like me so much, but don’t you owe Vert an apology?

...What for?

: Insulting her so much! Just because she has large breasts is not an excuse to hate someone!

Well, I hate more how the anime favored her for no reason, especially the OVA where it was awfully obvious and utterly ridiculous. Especially because it fits with the only issue the anime has of being somewhat mamocentric. And Vert is the least popular Goddess so it’s not a case of favoring a popular character. Though I should apologize to Topaz because he likes Vert best and I’m being a dick insulting his girl so much for no reason. Forgive me, Topaz!

: What about the apology to Vert?

Get her to wear a costume without cleavage and we’ll talk.

: Fair enough.

Libido
Super yuri time ahoy! Not a surprise, given the franchise lacks noteworthy males that aren’t villains and even then they look like evil Pikaclones, golden trolls or Gaogaigar, but even for that Noire gets the most obvious pairing in the game with Neptune. Guess leads and rivals are always paired, so better if it’s yuri than yaoi I suppose! It’s not a bad pairing either, their personalities are cute together without coming like the dreadful opposites attract crap, People aren’t magnetic poles! Aside from that Noire has her own route like all other main goddesses in Producing Perfection, but the producer-player won’t even get a kiss with her because Idea Fucktory can’t even get escapist fantasy spin-offs right. At least the gameplay isn’t bureaucracy hell!
Grade: B-

: I don’t like Neptune like that!

Oh? And who do you like then?

: Uh... *flusters* Keep writing, you’re almost done!

Age
As a goddess, she must have lived for a long time. They don’t dwell much on this, but that seems to be the implication at least. Guess this score is about right.
Grade: A-

Voice
Asami Imai is a great VA with a very cute voice who gets both tsundere-Noire and battle-Noire really well. The anime even does VA jokes with Chihaya and Kurisu, two of my favorite characters of her, for more awesomeness.
Grade: A-

Total: 82 (B+)

: O-Only this much? Well, I suppose it’s alright...

It’s not a bad score, it’s not like you’re a dommy KanaHana imouto or something.

: Plutia isn’t Neptune’s little sister...

I didn’t mean her... Well, now I’m done we should play games, right?

: Of course! I call Marth!

: I call in question what will be the blogs next month about.

: Eh, we’ll find out in a week.