In 1989, a Japanese child came across the mythical monkey’s paw and wished for her favorite video game franchise to become an anime. It is the only logical explanation that I have for the existence of this monstrosity, ‘Amada Anime Series: Super Mario Brothers’.
Each episode has its own self-contained story and is a retelling of a classic tale. I do not know which executive producer greenlit this project, or what Nintendo was smoking to grant their approval. All I know is that each 11-minute episode has some of the most bizarre scenes I have seen in any anime. For example, in the first episode, a shooting star crashes, revealing a giant peach inside. Behold, baby Mario has arrived in all his mustachioed glory! The narrator tells us he is an infant, but our eyes see the same Italian plumber we all know and love, sans clothing. There are few moments in fiction that have given me as much of a mindfuck as an adult Mario bawling his eyes out like a newborn baby and sucking on a milk bottle. David Lynch should take notes.
The crazy marches forward in all three episodes. At one point, Mario carries a machine gun with him to defeat Bowser and save Princess Peach. After all, when you think of the Super Mario games, you immediately think of assault weapons. In another episode, a Mario the size of my pinky receives a sword by his father. Just as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Mario and swords are a classic combo, of course. Did I forget to mention that a female Bowser pops up at one point? When the series takes a break from all the weirdness, it is as dull as my cooking. Stilted dialogue, lifeless scenery, characters flatter than pancakes…you know the drill.
Animation is bad, even for late 1980’s standards. Characters slide across the screen, rather than walk. Mario’s fights against enemies are still footage repeated thrice in succession in a sorry attempt at movement. Colors are washed out and drab. ‘Dragon Ball Z’ also came out in 1989, and it looks infinitely better. Unfortunately, they did not Kamehameha this sorry anime out of existence.
Music is forgettable. A bland synthesizer plays in the background accompanied by a piano bit that sounds suspiciously like the one in the song ‘Baba O’Riley’ by The Who. Fault the director for this animated atrocity all you want at least he has good musical taste.
Recommended only to the most stubborn, die-hard Mario fans.
Be careful what you wish for.
